I just found out Fall Out Boy has a new album coming out in a month.
Fall Out Boy sucks.
Fall Out Boy is the worst band on the planet right now. They only appeal to 14-year old girls. 14-year old girls are idiots, so therefore Fall Out Boy is pretty much worthless. The only good thing about Fall Out Boy is that we’ll eventually get to see them fail and then we’ll be able to laugh about what a worthless piece of shit band they were. It’s fitting that Pete Wentz married Ashlee Simpson, because she was the only person on Earth whose lack of talent rivaled his own. Patrick Stump is a terrible singer and looks like a huge dork. I almost feel bad for the other two guys in the band, but then I realized that they actively chose to be part of Fall Out Boy, and then I just hate them instead.
Of course it’s not just Fall Out Boy. They’re simply the poster children for an entire genre of shitty music, emo. All emo bands are shit. The only good thing about being an emo fan is that you’ll eventually cut your wrists too deep and die, thus sparing yourself from having to listen to emo music. Unless of course there is emo music in heaven, but then again, that would pretty much make it hell, so there you go.
And it’s not just emo music, either. All new music sucks. You’ve got Nickelback and the 80,000 Nickelback clones growling about bar fights and pussy and other stupid shit. If I paid 5 cents to hear Chad Kroeger sing, I’d ask for my nickel back and then stab whoever tricked me into that terrible deal in the first place. Every band whose singer has a deep voice is terrible. These bands like Creed and Theory of a Deadman just sound like terrible Pearl Jam rip-offs. And Eddie Vedder was just a shitty version of Jim Morrison, so that should tell you how awful Scott Stapp is. It’s funny that Scott Stapp always does Jesus poses, because even God hates Creed. It’s in the Bible, look it up.
And what about rap? All rap music is garbage. It’s just a bunch of thugs talking about guns and cars and necklaces. They have nothing to say. Older rappers like Tupac and Biggie used to have something to say. Of course they were just thugs who killed each other so they suck too. Rap makes society dumber and it’s destroying music. Anyone who listens to rap has an IQ of 40 and will probably shoot your children.
And how about pop music? What a pile of dog shit that is. Fergie sounds like she stole her lyrics from a third grader’s pop up book, making the Clumsy video incredibly appropriate. Sean Kingston is the musical equivalent of having someone drill into your cranium and then pour rubbing alcohol through the hole. Britney Spears is famous for being famous and Christina Aguilera used to sleep with lots of guys so she’s obviously terrible. Pop music has always been terrible. Madonna was a little progressive but time passed and she aged and didn’t die young or disappear so now you’re an idiot if you ever thought she was good in the first place.
Music hasn’t been relevant since 1969. U2 sucks and Bono is an asshole. Tom Petty, John Mellencamp and Bruce Springsteen are all populist douchebags who sing anthems for retarded frat guys and stupid sorority girls. Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones just stole all their ideas from black people. The Beatles are the only halfway decent band that ever existed, but they once covered a Chuck Berry song, and Michael J. Fox played that one Chuck Berry song in “Back To The Future,” and the plot of that movie was absolutely ridiculous, and Ringo Starr was an average drummer at best, so the Beatles suck.
The only good music came from way before the Beatles. Blues musicians were OK but most of them spent all their time telling stories about selling their souls to the devil or drowning in the Mississippi River rather than focusing on the craft. Robert Johnson was all hype. There were old folk musicians, but they all sang about the same topics. 1800s folk musicians had no range. And of course you had the farmers who used to whistle while they ploughed their fields. Those guys were OK when they first came out, but their later whistling was derivative and became a bad caricature of their early work. They never grew as artists. Before that, you had Native Americans and their rain dances. From a music theory standpoint they were alright, but they were really just doing it to help grow crops and maybe get a few swigs of fire water in the process. Fuckin’ sellouts. Music is an art form, not a method for growing squash, dickbags! And don’t get me started on the ancient Europeans and their “Greensleeves” style ballads. Those jackasses were only in it for the pussy.
The only credible musician in history is Steven Wallace IV, who lived in Northern Ireland in the 8th Century. He was fleeing the British Army when he stopped and started scraping a stick against a tree. It was a hollow twig, and he was scraping a well-aged oak tree, so the acoustics were phenomenal. The rest of his Northern Irish brethren kept telling him, “knock off that racket, the Brits are on their way!” But Wallace kept scraping the stick against the tree, claiming, “I don’t care about the Brits, I like the way this sounds.” Now that guy was in it for the right reasons. He didn’t care about the public reaction or the money or even his life, he was all about the art, man. He continued practicing his craft even as his group left him. Eventually he was captured and beheaded by the British Army. What a tragedy. That guy had so much more greatness in him.
That guy who scraped a stick against a tree in the 8th Century was the only true musician to ever live. Everyone since him has sucked. Especially Fall Out Boy.
I, Tom Z, am writing to announce my candidacy for the Presidency in the year 2016. I feel it is my civic duty to campaign for President, and I am honored to have the opportunity to win your vote.
In these times of economic and social crisis, it is imperative that we elect a leader that represents the best interests of you, the American public. That is why I’m running for President. Like you, I am disgusted by these Washington insiders who work solely for the special interest groups. Our country needs massive change, a change that can only come from the outside. The “old boys club” on Capitol Hill needs to be eliminated, and we need a President who represents the views of the common man.
I am that candidate.
Like you, I understand the pressures of a failing economy and the toll that war has taken on our great country. Like you, I care more about being able to pay for groceries than being able to pay the big oil companies. Like you, I’m annoyed by the greed on Wall Street which affects all of us on Main Street. Like you, I can’t stand to see the same old party politics while so many people struggle to pay their mortgages. Like you, I despise our shallow values and celebrity-driven culture, and I believe that Britney’s comeback totally isn’t going to work cause she’s, like, still all crazy and obsessed with Justin Timberlake. Like you, I struggle with contractions and don’t understand the difference between “your” and “you’re.” And like you, I care deeply about our country and you’re children’s future.
You see, I’m just like you. I’m a man of the people. I’m not some Washington DC fatcat who has been entrenched on Capitol Hill for years and is out of touch with the rest of the country. I’m no Washington insider. In fact I’ve only been to Washington once in my life, and that was when I was 13 years old, when my mom took me to see to see the Washington Monument. And you know what? I thought it was overrated. I know it has great symbolic value, but it’s just a pointy statue in the middle of some park. You can’t climb up it and it doesn’t even have a gift shop. What’s the big deal? And don’t get me started on the Lincoln Memorial. What a piece of shit.
Screw Washington DC and its fancy cars and shiny marble floors and phallic-shaped “monuments.” I don’t care about Washington. I care about you! And that’s why I’m running for President. We need a leader who shares the values of the average American, and who understands the struggles that we all go through on a daily basis. I am that leader. I don’t go to fancy yacht parties or fact-finding missions in Darfur. I go to work every morning and bind and collate sales reports for a marketing team at a company that sells axle-rods to the riding lawnmower industry. I don’t read the Wall Street Journal and trade stocks; I read US Weekly and trade sarcastic barbs about Paris Hilton’s vagina. Actually, I don’t even know how to read. I just look at the pictures and assume the worst. I’m not some stuck up Washington elitist who believes in rainbows and butterflies and economic stimulus packages!
I won’t try to impress you with creative speeches or clever rhetoric. I know you’re sick of all the political spin that has dominated our country for the past two decades, so I won’t try to make your head hurt by saying lots of sentences with tons of big words in them. I care too much about you, the American public! Plus, I’m borderline illiterate. Some people have called me functionally retarded, but in reality my IQ is a solid 86.2, putting me right on par with the average Walmart shopper.
Did I mention I shop at Walmart? Yep, I’m just like you. Oh, those Washington DC fatcats have tried to take me to fancy stores like Crate & Barrel or Pier 1, but I looked them right in the eyes and told them, “what are you, a faggot?” Because that’s how the average American would’ve handled the situation, and I’ll be damned if I let these party politics affect me from doing my job of serving the American people! This has earned me quite the reputation around Washington as a “renegade.” Just as Rage Against the Machine were renegades of funk, I’m the renegade of Washington. But that’s OK, because I know that I don’t work for other politicians or Rage Against the Machine. I work for you! I shop at Walmart and I buy my pretzels in 20-gallon jars because we are in a recession!
I may be running for President, but I take offense to the word politician. I’m no politician. I’m just an ordinary guy. I didn’t go to politician school or pass some magical politician test. I can’t even spell the word politician without help from my computer’s spellcheck function. I dropped out of school in eight grade to work in my family’s shipping and packaging business, bubble-wrapping dinette sets for average Americans just like you. And as President, I promise to bubble-wrap our country and protect you from the ill effects of an economy that has been kicked around in the back of a UPS truck. I promise to submerge terrorists into a refrigerator box filled with Styrofoam peanuts, until they have inhaled massive amounts of asbestos and are no longer able to plot attacks against America. I promise to hand-deliver a better America by 8AM on a Saturday morning without requesting a signature, while speaking in vague metaphors that don’t really make sense but can be interpreted however you, the American people, choose!
By electing me as President, you’ll be scoring a touchdown for progress! Because like you, I’m a huge sports fan, and believe that athletes deserve the type of admiration and respect that hypothetically should be reserved for teachers and law enforcement. I’m not some Washington elitist who thinks that all laws need to be upheld! I occasionally jaywalk, just like you! Sometimes I fall behind on my credit card bills and write them angry letters saying I never got my statement that month, even though I did get it and just couldn’t afford to pay. One time I got hammered and drove home from the bar and struck a small child with my SUV. I didn’t stop to see what happened, but I found out the next day that the kid had died. Mothers Against Drunk Driving went on the local news and demanded that the perpetrator turn himself in, but I never told anyone what I did, because I don’t cater to the special interest groups!
The old boys club in Washington thinks it’s so great! They go out to $1000 dinners and discuss politics as usual. I, on the other hand, don’t play that game. I usually eat cut up hot dogs that I dump into a bowl of mac and cheese, and once in awhile I treat myself to some Arby’s. I occasionally steal the sports section of my neighbor’s newspaper, and then when he asks me about it, I play dumb, like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Jim.” I don’t shower on Sundays and just hose myself down with Tag Body Spray if I need to go somewhere. I’m often seen picking my nose in public and I have been known to cut in front of old ladies in line at the supermarkets. It’s 3PM, I just woke up an hour ago, and in just a few more hours I’ll be blackout drunk on low-grade grain alcohol. I go out to bars and hit on woman and it’s really creepy. I don’t pay my taxes and I haven’t given my ex-wife her court-ordered alimony payments in 6 months. I refuse to participate in such fiscal irresponsibility, and as your President, I would lower all your taxes by 50% while simultaneously investing billions of dollars into infrastructure and children. Of course, I’ll need a calculator to figure all this economic stuff out, because like you, I fuckin’ hate math! I think it’s boring and I never really got it. I’m not huge on science or history, either! This isn’t high school, it’s the school of America!
When I told a group of young parents at a diner the other day that I was running for President, one of the young mothers asked me, “Are you high? Leave me alone!” It’s sad that we live in a country where drug use is so prevalent that this mother just assumed I was high. And I can’t stand the fact that our country has become so divided by party politics that this woman would sooner ask me to leave her alone than discuss the real issues facing America. I’m running for President in order to make a change. As President, I’ll take the lead from the American public and stop succumbing to pressure from the big drug companies. In fact, I’ll take all medicine out of stores and lock all doctors into concentration camps. We don’t need those fatcats charging us $75 then telling us to just rest up and take some Advil. Not in this economy!
You might be asking, “Tom, why are you announcing your candidacy for President 8 years before the election?” The answer is simple: I don’t know anything about politics. I don’t understand how the political process works or how to campaign or even how to fill out the necessary paperwork in order to officially enter the Presidential race. That’s because I’m not some elitist Washington insider who participates in party politics or knows his own social security number.
I’m just an ordinary guy, like you. In fact, I’m even less than you. I’m a goddamn idiot. And together, we can turn this country into the America we all want to see. An America where the economy is stable, an America where everyone can afford gasoline and adequate healthcare, an America where we’re not engaged in a never-ending war, an America where pints are a dollar and everybody gets laid!
Vote Tom Z in 2016! Together, we can make it happen!
The Scofield brothers are back… in an all-new 9th season of Prison Break!
It’s all-new action! All-new excitement! All-new danger!!! And this time, they have an all-new mission on their hands! Oh sure, it still involves breaking out of a prison, but this time… they’ll be breaking out of prison in a totally different fashion than they previously broke out of those other 8 prisons!
This time they break out of prison… could be the last.
They’ve broken out of prison before. Eight times. They’ve even broken into prison a couple of times, with the intentions of eventually breaking out of those prisons. One time they purposely had the police manufacture a situation in which they appeared to be arrested so they could be sent into prison under the radar… and then break out!
But now, they must do the unthinkable…
Break all the way through a prison!
That’s right. They’ll have to break into a prison, walk all the way through said prison without being noticed, and break out the opposite end of that prison!
Some call it their most dangerous mission ever. Some call it a deathtrap. Some call it certain doom. Some call it more difficult than seasons 1, 3, 4 and 6, and not quite as difficult as seasons 2, 5 and 8. Most agree that the difficulty of this particular prison break is on par with the brothers’ prison break from season 7.
They thought about retiring. They realized breaking out of prisons wasn’t technically a job, and retracted on those retirement promises, only to consider quitting instead. They were told not to do it again. They were told that, THIS TIME, breaking out of prison meant certain death. They were even told by one guy that, although breaking out of prisons will never be a failsafe task, they’ve done it so many times that the guy was fairly confident they would once again succeed, yet still slightly apprehensive due to the level of danger involved in any prison break. They’ve been told that perhaps they should consider not getting into any more legal trouble, so that they wouldn’t need to break out of prison in the first place.
But they just couldn’t resist breaking out of prison one more time!! And as previously mentioned, their next prison break… could be their last!!! Unless of course another situation arises in which someone needs to be broken out of prison and the offer for their assistance is either too lucrative to pass up or involves someone holding their loved ones hostage and demanding their involvement in yet another prison break!!!!
Will the Scofields be able to break out of prison yet again? Will their emotions get the best of them, thus affecting their ability to break out of prison? Will they make it out of prison, only to be forced to return into that prison after an unforeseen turn of events involving yet another loved one? Will this prison break be more harrowing than their previous 8 prison breaks?!!
The answers, which are all yes, are coming this November… on an all-new 9th season of Prison Break! Don’t miss a moment of the action… only… on FOX!!
I don’t know if you pay close attention to NASA and our country’s space program. If not, you should be, because space exploration is one of the most intriguing and relevant topics facing our society today.
I’m just kidding. Outer space sucks. It’s nothing but a bunch of blackness, flying rocks and flashing lights. If you want to see that, you… well we all know there’s a Source Awards joke coming here so let’s just move on…
I stumbled across an article recently that claimed scientists are close to discovering Earth’s “twin planets.” According to legend, there are a few yet-to-be-discovered planets in the galaxy that closely resemble Earth in terms of atmospheric properties and proximity to stars. Not sure why they’re called “twins” if there’s a bunch of them, but whatever. The point is, this news brings us one step closer to discovering alien life, every NASA employee’s wet dream.
Everyone thinks the discovery of aliens is going to be so awesome. We’ve seen so many movies like ET and Independence Day, we assume discovering aliens will lead to either hyper intelligent beings helping us to advance or own society, or an interstellar war for domination of the galaxy. We think aliens will show us amazing new technology or use amazing new technology to blow us up. Either way, we think that’s cool.
I don’t doubt that there could be life on other planets. I’m not saying it’s definite, but it’s possible. Given the vastness of the universe and the fact that all planets essentially formed in the same manner — rocks crashing together — it’s highly possible that somewhere out there, some planets have an atmosphere that will sustain life. They’ve found water on one of Saturn’s moons, so there could be aquatic life (or maybe it was Jupiter; who gives a fuck?). Aliens could definitely exist.
However, I think we have seriously underestimated the odds of those aliens sucking. We search for life on other planets, but we don’t consider the possibly that maybe we don’t want to meet whatever’s out there. Aliens could be annoying. They could be dicks that try to attack us. They could see Earthlings, and believe that we’re the evil aliens, and attack us in self-defense.
Most likely, they’ll just be boring. There’s a very good chance that aliens aren’t as advanced as humans. Maybe they’re primitive creatures that can’t communicate. We’d essentially be traveling 50,000 light years to find a groundhog. Even if aliens are as advanced as, more advanced than, or exactly like humans, they’re not gonna speak English. Best case scenario, they’ll communicate through a series of clicks, like those African tribes. Then we’ll have to take 30 more years to fly an African click language translator over to galaxy XQ78, star 3B, planet 14. In reality, if aliens do communicate, they’ll probably have some method of communication that we could never possibly understand. Like maybe in alien culture, blinking seven times in rapid succession means “go to the bathroom before we head over to Uncle Steve’s house.” Or maybe waving hello and reaching for a handshake is their international sign for “I come to destroy your culture, you worthless fucks.” I don’t know why we expect to walk right up to aliens and start talking about their life. Communicating with aliens is going to be like talking to a coyote or a tennis ball.
Furthermore, evolution is such a crazy process that no other planet could possibly have undergone the same exact pattern as Earth. So likely these alien forms aren’t even something we could try communicating with. Hell, we might not even realize they’re alive. Keep in mind, plants are living things. If an alien came to Earth, would he try talking to a tree? No, he’d just assume it was no different than a rock. In fact he’d probably think, “look at that tall rock with leaves on it!” He’d say that sentence in his alien language, but you get the point. What if alien “life” is like a plant? What if aliens are blobs of gel that slither around at .01 MPH? What if aliens are the exact same as clock radios, only they have a spleen instead of an AM/FM switch? I’m telling you, it’s gonna suck when we cross the entire galaxy and spend $50 billion to find a clock radio that performs photosynthesis.
Let’s assume we’re going to find aliens one day. The odds of there being unfathomable and unbreakable communication barriers between us and them, or no communication at all, thus rendering our discovery worthless, is 92%. The odds of an intergalactic war is 7%. The odds of them being really cool and telling us how to fix Earth’s problems is 0.00000001%. The remaining odds say they’ll be pretty decent, but have a few annoying quirks, like telling the same stories over and over and never getting to the stuff about laser beam technology.
Now, scientists are going to tell you that we can study and learn from alien life, regardless of what that life is. Don’t believe the hype. We’ve studied dolphins for like 30 years, and what have we learned? Nothing. Oh sure, we figured out that they communicate through some kind of sonar or sonic booms or whatever, but nothing we’ve learned is applicable to life in any way. It’s like my grandfather used to say, “Ain’t no dolphin gonna pay my electric bill.” My grandfather was an illiterate man, but his message was clear. We’re spending millions of dollars on our space program when the average American can’t afford their mortgage. And for what? To discover aliens who are going to inevitably suck? Screw that. Aliens are assholes. Oh, you might meet an alien, but then you give them your phone number and they never call.
1984 is one of the most famous novels ever written. It’s one of those books you don’t even have to read, because it has been referenced so often in print and TV that we all already know the entire novel. The book, written by George Orwell in the 1940s, portrays a future dystopia in which the government controls every aspect of life. History is edited to the government’s liking, citizens are inundated with propaganda, and everyone is under surveillance all of the time.
It’s now 2008, and it’s safe to say that Orwell’s vision hasn’t yet come true. You could argue that the seeds of 1984’s prophecy have been planted, and that Big Brother is prevalent (and not just in the form of a shitty reality show). That’s debatable. It’s also very safe to say that 1984 was an arbitrary date, and that Orwell was depicting a future that could still happen at any point. That’s less debatable. If there’s one problem that all depictions of the future share, it’s that they always pick a time in the too near present. If you don’t believe me, ask yourself this: Where are the hoverboards? That’s right, we were supposed to have that shit, like, eight years ago. I haven’t forgotten about that, Michael J. Fox, now give me my goddamn hoverboard.
I understand what Orwell was doing. A book called 2372 wouldn’t have instilled the same fear in people as 1984. Orwell knew the deal. But at the same time, the whole world doesn’t change in 40 years. Unless of course you live in the Middle East. Cause, you know, they always get new music 10 years late, and that means that Britney Spears and boy bands are about to sweep the region. Watch out, Middle East, shit’s about to go down.
Here’s the thing about 1984: I think it’s slowly happening. I think that by 2084, we could see a reality that’s very similar to Orwell’s vision.
BUT…
I don’t blame the government. I don’t think some secret society is trying to change history or keep us down. I don’t think some ultimate leader is sitting in front of a TV screen, controlling our futures, Matrix-style.
I think we’re doing it to ourselves.
How much of your personal information is on Facebook? MySpace? Twitter, Instant Messenger, chat rooms, blogs, etc etc? How many embarrassing pictures of you are there online? Every day, employers are looking up potential employees on Google and social media sites and disqualifying them based on what they find. Every day, people are searching for information on potential boyfriends/girlfriends and disqualifying them based on lists of their interests and favorite movies, or messages that they received from other guys/girls. Cell phones and Sidekicks are easily hacked. Even Sarah Palin’s private email was made public. So much of our daily communication is available to anyone with a computer. You can find something incriminating on anyone, if you really want to. And if not, then hey, just Photoshop something.
With Google Maps, you can get a glimpse of your own house from space. How long until Google Bedroom allows you to get a satellite view into the room of your favorite cheerleader? How long until Google Upskirt lets you sneak a peek at some young Madison Avenue professionals on their lunch hour? How long until Google Package gives you a look at the football team’s shower sessions, you pervert? How long until people wear electronic rings that automatically upload their every movement onto StalkMe.com? Don’t tell me these things wouldn’t be popular. And don’t tell me moral obligations would prevent someone out there from capturing a good business opportunity.
What about fashion? If you have a corporate job, there’s only so much leeway you have as far as your wardrobe. And have you been out to a bar lately? Everyone either wears A) jeans and a striped shirt, or B) a Vinnie Chase-style fashionable tight long sleeve or t-shirt. Frat guys all look the same (cargo shorts, t-shirt, baseball hat). Hipsters all look the same (thrift store clothing, hours put into making it look like they don’t care). Emo kids all look the same (black clothing, weird makeup, cuts on the wrists). Parents all look the same (and they just don’t understand). Now I’m not criticizing; It’s just that, when you consider that most of the country has only a few clothing stores to pick from, everyone’s going to end up looking the same. You’re an Old Navy guy or a Hot Topic chick, and there’s no other choice.
What about beliefs? Every day the number of extreme personalities seems to grow, while the number of people who consider various viewpoints declines. Democrats get their news from the Daily Show and never consider that maybe abortion might possibly be wrong. Republicans get their news from Bill O’Reilly and never consider that maybe gay people deserve to be married. Christians read those Revelations books and rest assured that God is coming back soon to save them from this heathen world. Kids who want to seem cool and intelligent bash Nickelback, ignoring the fact that they sound like every other “cool” and “intelligent” kid (and ignoring the fact that, while “Photograph” may be the worst song of the decade, “Breathe” and “Saving Me” are pretty decent). Everyone thinks that “Arrested Development” was the best TV show ever and that wearing a popped collar makes you a douchebag (the latter may be true, but the former is certainly up for debate). Everyone has an opinion, except those opinions are all the same.
We’re a long, long way from the dystopia of 1984. But the bottom line is, technology is advancing at an incredible rate, voyeurism is spiraling out of control and the general public piggybacks off of the opinions of a select few. The evidence points to a world where our entire lives are on display for the world to see. It points to a world where we know everything about everyone, even if we don’t care. It points to a world where people will be disqualified from jobs due to any slight imperfection, and average people will go to extreme lengths to avoid standing out from the crowd in any way. Those who do stand out will be ridiculed and called douchebags. It points to a world where we all watch reality TV, and then we all complain about how much we hate it. It points to a world where politicians and TV personalities re-write history, and then turn on the applause sign to the delight of their faithful followers. It points to a world where we applaud the amazing rate at which our society is advancing, and yet I still don’t have a goddamn hoverboard.
To many people, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama represents an incredible step forward for this country. It’s not only that he’s the first African-American to ever gain the Presidential nomination; it’s his visionary ideas and the way he attempts to bring a forward-thinking agenda into our nation’s traditionally conservative and unchanging capital. Barack Obama represents a whole new way of thinking.
Or so people think.
I, on the other hand, do not consider Barack Obama’s ideas to be visionary. Sure, he has some good ideas for America, but they’ve been said before. Specifically, they were said in the 90s, by Tupac Shakur, in a song called “Changes.”
“Changes” was recorded sometime in the early-to-mid-1990s, but wasn’t released until 1998, after 2Pac had already passed on (or faked his own death, depending on your perspective). It was famously featured on Tupac’s Greatest Hits album, unarguably the greatest rap CD ever released. “Changes” calls for sweeping change in America, citing many of our nation’s problems that could be eliminated with a new collective mindset. And it sounds eerily familiar to the ideas of one Barack Obama. In fact, you might even go as far as to say Obama stole his entire campaign from “Changes.” Don’t believe me? Let’s analyze some of Obama’s positions against lyrics from “Changes.” It’s Barack vs. Pac…
Barack says:
Obama believes that the rich are currently running our country, looking out for their own interests while the poor are hung out to dry. He believes this class structure is responsible for many of America’s problems.
Pac said:
I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself
Is life worth living, should I blast myself?
I’m tired of bein’ poor & even worse I’m black
My stomach hurts so I’m lookin’ for a purse to snatch
Barack says:
Obama has stressed multiple times in his campaign that both parties need to overcome their differences and work together. Party politics are destroying Washington and the nation. Obama believes that it is time for everyone to metaphorically reach across the aisle, because the only way America can progress is if we all swallow our pride and work together.
Pac said:
I got love for my brother
But we can never go nowhere unless we share with each other
We gotta start makin’ changes
Learn to see me as a brother instead of 2 distant strangers
Barack says:
John McCain and the Republican Party constantly talk about traditional values and getting this country back to a time when things were better. Obama bashes the Republicans for spreading propaganda about a nostalgic “golden age” that never actually existed. Obama believes in progressing as a nation rather than trying to go backwards.
Pac said:
I’d love to go back to when we played as kids
But things change, that’s the way it is
Barack says:
Obama bashes McCain for being out of touch with the common man. He says that McCain’s wealth and his 26 years in Washington have put him in a state of mind where he cannot understand the average American’s struggles. On the other hand, Obama came from a difficult background, worked in inner cities and feels a strong connection with Americans, especially those in impoverished areas. In other words, he’s an outsider.
Pac said:
Yes I am gonna say that I’m a thug
That’s because I came from the gutter
And I’m still here!!
Barack says:
Obama stresses the importance of ignoring cultural differences and working together. We all remember Obama’s famous line about how “this isn’t black America or white America, it’s the United States of America!”
Pac said:
Take the evil out the people they’ll be acting right
’cause both black and white is smokin’ crack tonight
Barack says:
Obama is hypercritical of the Republican party for accepting money from big business, especially the oil companies. He preaches integrity and not kowtowing to the almighty dollar.
Pac said:
You gotta operate the easy way
“I made a G today”
But you made it in a sleazy way
Sellin’ crack to the kids.
“I gotta get paid”
Well hey, well that’s the way it is
Barack says:
Obama tells us that true change requires a major commitment. He says we have to completely overhaul Washington. He refers to John McCain as “more of the same” — a reference to McCain’s alliances with Bush — and demands that we chose a totally new direction for America.
Pac said:
It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live
And let’s change the way we treat each other
You see the old way wasn’t working so it’s on us to do
What we gotta do to survive
Barack says:
Obama opposes the Iraq War, stating that it is distracting from some of our country’s other, more important objectives.
Pac said:
And still I see no changes can’t a brother get a little peace
It’s war on the streets & the war in the Middle East
Instead of war on poverty
They got a war on drugs so the police can bother me
Barack says:
Despite his penchant for helping the lower class, Obama constantly preaches personal responsibility.
Pac said:
Don’t let ‘em jack you up, back you up,
Crack you up and pimp smack you up
You gotta learn to hold ya own
They get jealous when they see ya wit cha mobile phone
Barack says:
Obama was raised by a single mother, who taught him to shoot for the stars and gave him an incredible work ethic. Everything he does, he credits to his mother’s strength and parenting.
Pac said:
Tell the cops they can’t touch this
I don’t trust this
When they try to rush I bust this
That’s the sound of my tool
You say it ain’t cool
My mama didn’t raise no fool
As you can see, Barack Obama and Tupac Shakur are basically the same person. If you vote for Obama this November, you are essentially voting Pac into office. I don’t know if that hurts or strengthens Obama’s case. Ah who am I kidding? It definitely strengthens his case. Tupac was the best. So there you have it people. Vote Pac, I mean Barack, in 2008. You see, the old way isn’t working, so it’s on us to do what we gotta do to survive. It’s time to start makin’ changes.
As you already know, today is the 7th anniversary of 9/11. Today you will be inundated by TV, radio and Internet stories reflecting on the tragedy. You’ll hear plenty of tales of grief, as well as stories about the American spirit and overcoming tragedy.
9/11 is the worst thing to ever happen to our country. However, there were a few small bright spots amongst the massive dark clouds. We’re a country that believes in hope, so today, while you’re mourning the tragedy, I think it’s important to remember that a few positives did come out of 9/11. Such as…
Our country started taking defense seriously
Before 9/11 you could sail a ship made of dynamite into any U.S. port and have 30 terrorists walk off carrying warheads and firing AK47s in the air while screaming in tongues, and no one would notice or care. After 9/11 we wised up and locked down our ports. We started looking after our bridges and tunnels, much to the delight of guidos from New Jersey who wanted to go clubbing in Manhattan on Saturday nights and totally couldn’t hook up cause “that bitch was ice cold.” We tightened airport security and gave “random” searches to every suspicious looking person (tough break, foreigners!). You can never be 100% safe but we’re better off than we were.
Hilarious country songs
Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You” is hands down the funniest song in the history of country music. It would probably be the funniest song ever if not for “Popular” by Nada Surf. Read the lyrics. Aside from the fact that he’s exploiting a national tragedy to get a hit song, which is funny in a “you’re a terrible person” sort of way, it’s also some of the worst lyrics ever written. The song won a bunch of accolades and received tons of airplay, but to quote Zoolander, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills, because the song sucks and the lyrics don’t make me feel patriotic or sympathetic in any way. The dude says in the chorus that he doesn’t know the difference between Iraq and Iran! I learned that shit in 2nd grade. In the midst of the worst tragedy ever, apparently Alan Jackson’s internal struggle was over whether to buy a gun or watch “I Love Lucy” reruns. It’s like he’s reading my mind!! And of course there was Toby Keith threatening to put a boot up terrorist’s asses, which… well… honestly Toby, that’s gonna be worse for you than it is for them.
Boost for miniature American Flag industry
Many businesses suffered after 9/11, but whatever industry makes those little flags you put on the antenna of your car was not one of them. Those things were everywhere. Some call it the golden age of miniature American Flag making. The yellow ribbon magnet industry was booming as well.
MTV played videos
No one wanted to do anything in the days following 9/11, which was understandable, but still, it made things pretty boring. Like everyone, I watched the news and was fixated on The 9/11 Movie for a couple days. But eventually you just couldn’t watch anymore. It was too depressing, plus they had shown every possible video clip and discussed every possible piece of information over and over. Everyone needed a change of pace. Fortunately MTV decided to be cool and show old music videos for about 2 weeks following 9/11. I got to see classics like Soundgarden and Nirvana, along with all kinds of rare stuff like Temple of the Dog and King Missile. Pretty much all I did in the week following 9/11 was to skip class, watch MTV and drink heavily. I mean, if I had that same week any other year, that would have been a great week. MTV also made U2’s “Walk On” the unofficial anthem for 9/11. “Walk On” was the best song off U2’s “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” album, but it had never gotten the publicity it deserved because of other hits like “Elevation.” MTV also helped promote Bruce Springsteen’s “The Rising,” which is an inspiring tune and one of my favorites by The Boss. This kind of stuff is obviously minor in the grand scheme of things, but don’t be fooled, little things like this do help people feel better during times of tragedy.
Acceptable to hate the Middle East
Let’s be honest, no one likes the Middle East. There are some good people there but the region as a whole sucks. They’re crazy conservative and they’re always fighting over piles of dirt. It’s called tolerance because we tolerate their asses, even though we all think they’re annoying. In the late 90s/early 00s, our country had gotten so PC it was ridiculous. Unless you thought the world was a paradise made of rainbows and butterflies where everyone should hold hands and sing “Kumbaya,” you were a terrible person. Then Drew Carey went on TV and called Arabs “towelheads” and Bill Maher rose to prominence with some non-PC remarks and the rest of the world followed suit and started saying what they really felt. I’m not advocating prejudice or stereotypes against any one group, I’m just saying that people should be free to express themselves and not have to worry about sugarcoating everything, and that we should build a giant bubble-dome over the entire Middle East and let the people there fight each other until they’re all dead, then turn the region into a spring break resort. That’s all I’m saying.
Ridiculously comical fear mongering
I was in college in Poughkeepsie (NY) during 9/11. My school was very liberal. In my first post-9/11 class, one of my professors said that we needed to be careful, because the terrorists could strike anywhere next, EVEN US!!! Everyone in the class nodded in agreement, except me and my one friend, who gave each other a “you have to be kidding” glance. Sure, terrorists could strike Poughkeepsie. And a football team can start off a game with a quadruple-reverse flee-flicker halfback option pass. That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Fear mongering was at an all-time high after 9/11, and people thought every U.S. city was a potential target. But in reality, not every city was in danger. And that’s one of the good things about 9/11. It finally gave people a reason to appreciate living in Poughkeepsie, NY.
Hilarious catchphrases
I still can’t figure out if “These Colors Don’t Run” refers to the U.S.’s policy of standing up to terrorism, or if it’s a reference to laundry. We may never know.
Respect for NYPD & NYFD
I like cops just slightly more than Ice Cube does, but the NYPD are the real deal. While suburban police are ticketing people for rolling through stop signs and breaking up high school parties, members of the NYPD are putting their lives at risk every day to stop real crimes and make New York the greatest city on Earth. The fact that New York has 7 million people in such a tiny area, and is still one of the safest major cities in the country, is a true testament to the fine work of the NYPD. And in my experience, no police force is better at keeping order while not harassing or trying to intimidate citizens. The NYFD is exceptional as well. Kudos to both of them.
The way people finally came together
I believe that people are genuinely good at heart (with the exception of murderers, rapists and that ilk). I think the reason people act poorly is because they become isolated from society at large and don’t have to deal with negative consequences of their actions. That’s why people are so much more vindictive online, where everything is anonymous, or why rich businessmen, who are allowed to get away with anything, often commit the worst acts. Meanwhile, people who live in a more interactive society, like a small Midwestern town for example, are much nicer. They know they’ll be held accountable for their actions, but they also genuinely care about their neighbors and friends. After 9/11, the entire country became a small town community. Everyone was nice. Everyone was patient. We all cared about each other and worked with each other and did what we could to help one another. We loved each other. Our old me-first way of thinking disappeared. Everything changed. The worst tragedy in our country’s history brought out the best in its citizens.
At least it did for like a month, until we all reverted back to our old ways and started shoving old ladies out of the way to get into the Old Country Buffet before 5PM so we could pay the lunchtime rate. Hey, I’m sorry, but fuck that bitch, I was here first.
As a writer who does lots of freelance work, I’m always paying attention to the job sites and the latest writing gigs. But lately I’ve noticed a disturbing trend. No one wants to writers anymore, because no one wants actual content anymore. Although any good marketer will tell you that “content is king,” website owners have shifted toward the idea of social media marketing.
For those of you who don’t know what social media is — we’re not all marketers after all — it’s pretty simple. Social media means sites like Facebook, MySpace and Twitter. It means themed social networks like Buzznet (for music fans) and LinkedIn (for business professionals). Basically it’s any site where the bulk of the content is provided by the site’s users, rather than employees of the site. And lately it has gone from a handful of well-designed websites like the aforementioned ones to a massive orgy of niche sites for every topic imaginable.
What this means for writers is that there are very few jobs left. The people who are hiring writers are usually paying extremely low rates while asking the writers to write about incredibly focused topics. For example, if you see a job ad looking for writers, it will probably say something like this:
“Seeking writers to write 300 word blog posts about self-cleaning oil tankers and their effect on the state of Wyoming. We will pay $2 per post. Tons of great exposure! Visit selfcleaningoiltankerwyoming.com to get a feel for our site then send us 7 free samples for our site so we can decide whether we want to hire you!”
When I first started seeing ads like this, I was frustrated. My immediate reaction was, “you mean you’re offering to pay me under minimum wage to write boring posts about something 3 people care about in order to gain ‘exposure’ on a site with half the traffic of my personal website, then rely on the comments of a bunch of people who are killing time at work to turn your site profitable?” It was annoying. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that everyone can offer an opinion on the Internet, but every tour should have a guide, you know what I’m saying?
Of course, eventually I realized I was wrong. Social media is the way of the future. Why hire one “professional” to do a job when you could get the opinions of thousands of everyday people instead? That’s why I suggest we immediately take social media marketing and translate it to other aspects of life. For example…
Social Media Movies - The problem with movies is, you didn’t write them. I didn’t write “Juno” and therefore it sucked!! Ever see “Good Will Hunting?” That movie was great, but what was up with the ending? It was all sad. What if you wanted a happy ending?! Happy endings are the best!! Well with the miracles of social media movies, you don’t have to worry about how well someone acts, or how good a script is, because you the moviegoer gets to act out the film in front of the theater and change the script however you see fit!! And if the other attendees don’t like it, they get to step in and change things. You can be whomever you want! I call dibs on being Will Smith!!! Shotgun!!!
Social Media Art - You know what sucks about Andy Warhol’s paintings? They weren’t painted by you!! But now with social media art, an artist draws a basic sketch (he gets no pay but great exposure!), and then we all take turns adding our own interpretations to the canvas. I’ll bring the finger paint if you bring the Crayolas!
Social Media Doctors - Why have one jackass doctor perform surgery on you? You’re only getting his opinion. What if he’s wrong? Everyone always talks about getting a “second opinion.” Well, how about a thousandth opinion!!! That’s right, we need a hospital where everyday folks take turns operating on you!! Hell, they can even provide the diagnosis too!! Your doctor thinks you have bronchitis? Well too bad, because our users voted in an online poll and you’re getting your foot amputated!!!
Social Media Politics - I don’t even need to explain this one because it’s already happening. Barack Obama is a walking viral YouTube video, and John McCain always talks about how he just works for the people. Joe Biden is a man’s man, and Sarah Palin gives hope to the common person that they too can be Vice President, much in the same way Kevin Federline gave hope to men everywhere that they too could marry a pop star. Who wants a jaded Washington insider anyways? Those people who have been serving the country for 30 years, they’re out of touch! We need to get the opinion of housewives in Kansas before we form our country’s legislation. We don’t need politicians, we need you! After all, you were Time Magazine’s Person of the Year in 2006!!
Social Media Construction - Everyone gets a turn at the jackhammer! Just watch out for falling debris, because by joining our team of construction experts, you have agreed to assume all responsibility for getting hit on the head with a cement block.
Social Media Piloting - Man, pilots are annoying. They just keep talking about what state you’re flying over, and when you should buckle your seatbelts. No one wants to hear that! With social media piloting, everyone gets a turn at the controls, and more importantly, at the loudspeaker. You want to tell that story about the time you beat Grand Theft Auto 3 in just twenty minutes while piloting a flight from San Francisco to Boston? You got it, buddy!!
Social Media School - You know what I hated about high school? Stupid teachers always telling you what’s right and wrong! What do they know? That’s why we need social media schools, where the students decide what’s right and what’s wrong. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves? Nope, sorry, we took a poll and it turns out it was Mike Hunt. Thanks for making our country so great, Mike Hunt! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to 8 study halls in a row. I love my schedule!!
You see how great social media can be? I can’t wait… I mean, umm, WE can’t wait for these changes to happen!!
Take a look at the guy on the left. That’s the boyfriend of Bristol Palin, who of course is the 17-year old pregnant daughter of Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin.
Over the next 60 days or so, you’re going to hear a lot of people in the media talk about the tough challenges facing Sarah Palin. You’ll hear about her lack of experience, her controversial views on issues like abortion, and whether or not she was selected as a political ploy to attract female voters. Soon enough, you’ll see stories discussing her looks. The media has avoided that topic thus far, but rest assured, before the November election, there will be headlines like “Vice President Hottie,” “Are Palin’s Looks Hurting Her With Fat Jealous Middle Aged Females?” and “Has Palin Done Enough To Secure The Horny Male Vote?” Maybe not those exact headlines, but something similar.
You’ll also hear a lot about Bristol Palin. Even though family is supposedly off-limits in this election, I can guarantee you that there will be many stories discussing the ramifications of Bristol’s pregnancy. The only thing less trustworthy than a politician is the people that report on them. You’ll hear pundits argue that Bristol’s pregnancy exposes hypocrisy within the Palin family, and soon enough — mark my words — you’ll see stories questioning Palin’s parenting skills.
I don’t necessarily agree with all of these attacks (in fact I strongly disagree with some), but I can guarantee you will see them all.
And when that happens, you’re going to be tempted to feel bad for Sarah Palin. You’re going to be tempted to feel bad for Bristol Palin.
I’m here to tell you, don’t feel bad for either of them.
Feel bad for that guy.
That boyfriend is fucked way worse than anyone in the Palin family. As a semi-young male (once a young male), I’m going to tell you exactly what’s going on in that guy’s mind. When he first found out that his 17-year old girlfriend Bristol was pregnant, his first reaction wasn’t “Don’t worry sweetheart, we’ll do the right thing.” It wasn’t, “I wonder how this will affect your mother’s political career.”
It was “Oh… fuck.”
Look at that guy. He doesn’t want a kid. He is a kid. A child is the last thing he wants. His life isn’t over, per se, but that baby is going to seriously cramp his style. I guarantee he brought up abortion at least once. I’m not saying he straight-up said, “we should have an abortion,” but he definitely threw out feelers at some point, like, “hey you know what’s pretty crazy? Abortion. How do you feel about abortion, Bristol? Oh… oh… yeah, I’m against it too. I gotta go throw up now babe, I’ll be right back.”
Now, to make matters worse, his girlfriend’s mother’s political party is using him as a pawn in their Presidential campaign. Sarah Palin represents small town family values. Which is cool; in fact it’s my favorite kind of values. Except 17-year olds getting pregnant isn’t at the top of the small town family values list. But don’t worry everyone, it’s under control. Bristol is old enough to make her own decisions, and because her and this boyfriend will eventually get married, the pregnancy isn’t that big a deal. That’s the story I’ve heard several Palin supporters make in the past couple days. The story everyone seems to be selling is, “It’s cool, because Bristol and her boyfriend are getting married and keeping the child!”
Sounds great, right? Umm, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that no one ran this story past the boyfriend. Look at that guy. That dude does not want to get married. That dude did not want a kid, but what that dude wants even less is to be married with a kid by age 18. There’s a reason most 18-year olds aren’t married with a kid, and that’s because it’s stupid. The guy wants out already. Did you see him at the Convention, chewing gum and spacing out the whole time? He doesn’t want to be there, he’d rather be at Applebee’s with his buddies, calling each other fags and talking about the chick from biology class with the awesome rack. He was about to go off to college and bang tons of hot pre-frosh ass. He was going to send Bristol 50% of his monthly check from his work-study job in the Stanford mailroom, then go funnel 12 beers at Kappa Si and hook up with drunk lacrosstitutes.* Marriage was not in the cards. But now he’s locked in, thanks to John McCain’s crafty campaign manager. If this kid even thinks about breaking up with Bristol, you can bet the CIA will swoop in and make him disappear immediately. The kid will be missing for 2 weeks until his body is eventually discovered floating in the Alaska pipeline, gaining sympathy votes for Palin while simultaneously giving her a golden opportunity to discuss the merits of offshore drilling.
Over the course of the last week, this kid’s entire life has been chosen, and he never even had a say. Now I’ve got nothing against Sarah Palin. She’s already been voted “Vice President of My Heart,” and I wish her the best of luck in the race for Actual Vice President. But to penalize this kid in the process is just not fair. He pulled out. Sometimes that shit doesn’t work. I mean, come on, kids make mistakes. You can’t take away his whole life because of it.
With all this talk about Hurricane Gustav lately, you can’t help but think about the debacle that was Hurricane Katrina. The 2005 disaster not only destroyed one of the greatest cities in America, but exposed a massive class system divide that exists in our country. Remember Kanye’s “the President doesn’t care about black people” speech? That was hilarious. Not the racial injustice; that was bad. But the speech… priceless.
Anyway, I’m not here to expose injustice in our country. In fact I’m not here to expose anything at all. It’s not my place to discuss such a difficult and complicated issue, and plus, the judge told me last month that if I expose anything else I’m going to jail for 5 years. God, that 12-year old girl was such a tattle-tailing little bitch.
Where was I? Oh yes. I want to talk about the forgotten victim of Hurricane Katrina, and how that forgotten victim illustrates the indomitable American spirit (and to a lesser extent, the spirit of Britain).
Let’s say, hypothetical, you were part of a 1980s pop band. And let’s say you have one hit song, let’s say a power-pop ballad that, oh I don’t know, was featured on the “All Dogs Go To Heaven” soundtrack. You’d need a little luck to stretch that one-hit wonder status into a full-fledged career, right? Of course you would. But then, let’s assume a natural disaster came along and wiped out one of America’s favorite towns, and that natural disaster had a name that was extremely similar to your 80s band. Now, whenever people say your band’s name, they immediately think of a disaster that killed thousands of people and tore a country apart. Crazy, right?
Well, thus is life for the members of Katrina and the Waves.
Could you imagine being in that band’s predicament? When you write a pop song as catchy as “Walking On Sunshine,” you expect to milk that shit for the rest of your life. I know I would. Ideally you’d sit around waiting for producers of a Cameron Crowe movie set in the 80s to call and request that “Walking on Sunshine” appears on the soundtrack. However, since bills tend to pile up quickly, a more realistic strategy is to loan the song out to advertisers, thus fattening your bank account and saving you from having to get a job at Burger King. It’s a great strategy, since advertisers are willing to fork over huge sums of money for a song. And since branding is everything, what advertiser wouldn’t want customers comparing their product to the feeling of walking on sunshine? It’s a beautiful feeling, one that would make any rational person want to buy Charmin toilet paper instead of the store brand.
Now, what if, all of a sudden, the greatest natural disaster the United States has ever seen occurs, and its name just happens to be shockingly similar to your band? Now, no one can think of your band or your music without equating you to a horrendous disaster. It’s like starting a band pre-2001 called “The 9/11 All Stars,” or an early 1930s jazz group called the “Burning Hot Jews.” Terrible, and terribly unfortunate. Surely, no advertiser will ever use your song again, correct? Certainly you’ll be doomed to a life of menial corporate labor as your sure-fire cash cow is set out to pasture? Right?
It is at our darkest times when we must have the most faith.
This little pop band from the U.K. taught us a valuable lesson. Did Katrina and the Waves give in and change their name, or accept new lives as secretaries? No. They forged ahead, continuing to offer “Walking on Sunshine” to any advertiser looking for a bright, vibrant brand image. And did America give in and banish the song from radio and TV? Hell no we didn’t. Since Hurricane Katrina, Katrina and the Waves have been featured in a number of ad campaigns (guess which song!), for companies like Huggies and Claritin. “Walking on Sunshine” is also being used for an upcoming line of ads for the new Ford Flex crossover SUV.
I think it goes to show the real power of this country, and how we refuse to give up in the face of danger or disaster. Oh sure, Huggies could have chosen another 80s power-pop anthem for their ad campaign. They could’ve told you how Huggies flex-grip diapers provide an “Invisible Touch” that prevents them from sliding around on your baby’s bottom. Right now, you could be watching Ford Flex commercials where Billy Ocean tells you to get out of his dreams and into his car for only $1,000 down, now through Labor Day! But that’s not the American way, dammit! We don’t let a little thing like a natural disaster stop us from using bands with extremely similar names to said natural disaster in ad campaigns for prescription-strength over-the-counter medication! That’s something the Swiss would do! Those neutral pussies!
You know what? Throughout the course of America’s history, we haven’t always been walking on sunshine.
But damned if we’re not trying.
Fuck you, Switzerland. “Walking on Sunshine” would be perfect for Swiss Truffles, and you know it.
Fall Out Boy Sucks
