I was reading an article on MSN earlier titled “Will Our Kids Be Dumb & Broke?,” and it really made me think about… umm… something, I guess. I don’t know, I was too busy sending my bank account info to this chick Natasha. She’s from Russia, we met on Craigslist. She’s totally hot for me, but she can’t afford a plane ticket to America. So she asked if I could loan her $2000… I know, I know, it’s a lot of money, but the minute her plane lands in New York I’m sure it’ll seem like a small price to pay for discovering true love. Anyway, I didn’t completely grasp the idea of this article, but I think it was something about how young people make unwise decisions with money.

This is a topic that most people can relate to. Older people always talk about how they wish they made smarter decisions when they were younger. Most of the time this is just old people being jealous of young people and trying to trick us into acting “responsible.” Responsibility is just old person speak for “lame,” so it’s usually best to ignore the advice of your elders at all times. But once in awhile, adults are right about stuff. And one piece of advice that most adults agree on is that you need to save money starting right after college. If you wait until your 30s or later to start saving, you’ve already missed your greatest chance to build wealth.

The problem with this concept, of course, is that stuff is expensive. Everything costs money. Think about it: You can barely leave the house without paying. It costs money to drive anywhere. You can’t go to bars or restaurants without running up a solid tab. Movies are expensive, as is a cable bill. There is nothing free you can do for fun (at least nothing worth doing). Even when something is free, like say going to a public beach, they’ll hit you up for parking or find another way to get money out of you. Oh sure, technically there are free things you can do, like going for a walk, but if walking was so great then why did God invent cars? Yeah, exactly.

They say you should budget 50% of your income for fixed bills – rent, car payments, insurance, student loans, etc – and save the rest for leisure activities, food and emergencies. For most young people, especially those of us who live in urban areas, that’s just not realistic. Rent and the costs of owning a car are especially high these days, so even on a decent income, after they’ve paid fixed bills, many people have far less than 50% left over. Finding money to save usually means cutting into your disposable income; in other words, it cuts into your fun.

But I’m not complaining. I make a reasonable living and my life is non-stop fun, so I’m in no position to complain. This is just a set up for another one of my crazy theories.

Here it is: I don’t think fun should be treated as a bonus, reserved for times when you have enough disposable income. I think fun is a necessary cost of living. I think spending money on fun is as important – if not more – than things like rent and car payments. Now, you can’t be stupid about it. You have to have a place to live, and you have to buy food. But if I had a choice between a great apartment and a boring social life, or an average apartment and a great social life, I’ll take the latter every time. And when it comes down to either saving for retirement in your 20s, or being able to go out and have fun whenever you want, I think you have to go with fun.

Sure, you could cost yourself hundreds of thousands of potential dollars in your 401K by not saving right out of college, but if you’re sitting at home all the time doing nothing so that you can save for the future, what’s the point? You’re costing yourself life, dammit! Sorry, I couldn’t think of a way to make that sound not cheesy. But seriously, how do you know there won’t be another financial scandal that leaves you broke? How do you know you won’t get mauled by a bear? How do you know you won’t get a huge promotion or marry some rich old man/woman or win the lottery and be set for life, thus rendering that time spent saving worthless? No one has ever looked back on their life and said, “Man, I wish I never had all those awesome times when I was young!”

Like on Memorial Day, I spent several hundred dollars to get wasted all day and see Stone Temple Pilots on their reunion tour. I didn’t have to spend that much. I didn’t have to get VIP seats. I didn’t have to get a hotel room and stay over after the show. But I did. Those few hundred dollars could’ve went toward retirement, but then I wouldn’t have seen Scott Weiland wearing a poncho, yelling into a megaphone and doing the Weiland Dance. A lot of people would call my spending frivolous, and say that in the long run, I’d be better off cutting back on my leisure expenses and putting more money toward my future. To which I would respond, “have you heard Crackerman?”

Those who can afford to save money and still live it up are fortunate. If you can only afford one of the two, I don’t think you can take a pass on enjoying your twenties just so that you can be financially secure when you’re 70. You can always work to increase your savings. You can never replace missed experiences.

PS – When I’m fifty and have a retirement fund worth $300, and you find me face down in a ditch with a bottle of Colt 45 screaming “Why, WHYYY?!?!” ask me if I’ll reconsider my position. Then get out of the way before I stab you. Keep in mind I’m a Comm. Major and an Econ. Minor, so I have a history of choosing fun over money.

Some news stories are ridiculous, and some are funny. This is both. Rachel Ray filmed a recent commercial for Dunkin Donuts in which she wore a white scarf. DD just pulled the ad, because – this is the good part – a news anchor claimed that the scarf was part of a terrorist uniform.

Dunkin Donuts obviously denied this, then added:

“We are no longer using the online ad because the possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee.”

I find stuff like this hilarious, which is the main reason I started this website. “Hey, Bin Laden once wore a white scarf, that means Rachel Ray is a terrorist! She also tells people to leave small tips! She’s a witch!! Burn her!!” First off, we all know Islamic extremist clothing was played out by spring 2006. I mean, come on, you can get that shit in Old Navy now. Rachel Ray is on the cutting edge of style, so there’s no way this was a true terrorist scarf. Maybe it was the new “urban terrorist scarf,” but that’s just a Madison Avenue creation, it’s not in the Koran, so what’s the big deal? Sounds like this news anchor has no eye for fashion. Also, so what if it was a terrorist scarf? I wear a Buffalo Bills jersey sometimes, that doesn’t mean I go around tackling Tom Brady. Alright, I did that one time, but come on man, he never returned my letters! Stop trying to make me jealous with that model, Tom! You and I both know we’re meant to be together!

There was big news in the Philadelphia this week, when four police officers were fired because of their role in a May 5th fight. Twelve officers attacked three suspects following a pursuit, and apparently beat the living shit out of them. The CNN article made it sound pretty bad, but when I tried watching the news chopper footage, I found out I’d have to sit through a 15-second Marriott Hotels ad first, so I guess we’ll never know. I mean, really, I just want to see some police brutality, don’t try to make me watch commercials.

The reason this story is big – as you may have guessed – is because of race. Of the 12 officers, most were white. All of the suspects who got beat up were black.

Now, I don’t know who was right and who was wrong in this situation. I don’t know whether the suspects instigated the fight, or if the police failed to exercise proper restraint.

What I do know is this: Any time race comes into the picture, whether it’s this or any other situation, things get a little sticky.

We like to think we’ve come a long way since the 1950s, but there’s still a good deal of racial tension in our country. As a white guy, I’m hesitant to say anything about this story, because I fear that my words could be misinterpreted. Race is such a touchy subject, and it feels like we’re all constantly walking on eggshells. That’s why I have a strict policy to never say anything bad about a black person under any circumstances. In fact, I won’t even say anything that could be considered remotely controversial. Actually, just to be safe, I don’t like to talk about black people at all. Or to them. I know how easily words can be misinterpreted, so I make sure that I never say a word to a black person ever. I also prefer not to look at them, just in case my look is misinterpreted as some bigoted glance. So whenever a black guy walks by me on the street and smiles or says hello, I immediately look away, then scoff and mutter “my God,” in order to display my displeasure with the social stigmas that create these horrible barriers between the races. Then I usually say something to the effect of “there goes the neighborhood,” because I think it’s unfortunate that I live in a neighborhood where black and white people can’t live in harmony. Then I duck my head straight down and hustle away as quickly as possible. Cause, you know, I don’t want anyone to think I’m racist.

[Ed. Note:  This story was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in June of 2007.]

In 10,500 BC, the continent of Africa was a fertile valley, perfect for crop growth. But then, due to climate shifts, Africa began to dry out. The resulting deserts were terrible for farming, and a crop shortage ensued. Colonization of the continent over the past thousand years has caused a great deal of territorialism and civil war. What’s more, the recent spread of HIV/AIDS has left Africa crippled. Modern Africa is defined by poverty, disease and war. Times are tough. At the same time, the rest of the world seems callous to this fact. Americans especially seem to ignore the plight of Africa, opting instead for their Nintendo Wiis and Grand Slam Breakfasts. Sure, foreign governments and international organizations have tried to help Africa, but nothing seems to work.

And that’s why musicians had to step in.

With Africa in a state of disarray, it was important for the likes of Bono and Alicia Keys to step up to the plate and inspire a change. World leaders might get slowed down by politics and red tape, but musicians have instant access to the people. Inspire the people, and only then can you see change. In fact, with the way musicians are promoting Africa lately, it’s only a matter of time until things turn around for that continent.

We’re only up to mid-2007 right now, but a simple extrapolation of the timeline shows that Africa is in for a bright future. And it’s all thanks to musicians.

Let’s take a look…

1985 - Held on July 13^th, Bob Geldorf’s massive Live Aid rock concerts were seen by 1.5 billion people worldwide, raising awareness of the long-suffering continent. Millions of dollars are raised. Legendary singer Bob Dylan — known for his social activism — suggests we used a portion of the money raised to help farmers in America. He is staunchly criticized by both Geldorf and the media.

1995 - The popular movie Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls takes place in Africa. This does little for the continent’s survival; however, it does provide society with the hilarious line, “Pretty hot in these rhinos.”

2004 - The United States falls behind Japan and China in trade. The U.S., which was also a leader in the field of education, continues to slip in that regard as well. Somewhere, a young Chinese boy calls an American boy a “retard,” and instead of replying with a witty remark like, “Did you mean to call me a ‘Letald?,’” the American boy is left speechless.

2005 - Twenty years after the fact, the effects of Live Aid are still unclear. U2 singer Bono goes on “Meet the Press” to talk about Africa, in what will become a recurring trend. Bono mentions that corruption, not poverty or starvation, is Africa’s biggest problem. Bono goes on to spend much of his time working in politics, completely resisting the urge to write good music in the process. Seriously, that “Vertigo” song sucks. In tragic news, Hurricane Katrina strikes the city of New Orleans, leaving the city destroyed and thousands homeless. The U.S. government promises to fix the situation ASAP.

February 2007 - R&B superstar Akon purchases a South African diamond mine, in a move that he claims will save lives being lost in the deadly African diamond trade (as seen in the movie Blood Diamond). However, many people believe that Akon simply bought the diamond mine to be “ballin’, son.”

March 2007 - Singer Joss Stone tells a magazine that society needs to focus on the children of Africa. She claims that people are obsessed with celebrities and don’t pay enough attention to the injustices across the world. Says Stone: “They steal young children from their parents while they’re sleeping or whatever. They steal them at the ages of three and four and they basically turn them into killing machines and they make them eat each other. And then you talk about Britney’s shaved head.”

May 2007 - Bono pushes the nation of Germany to send financial aid to Africa. Around this same time, Pete Wentz of the Fall Out Boy travels to Uganda to take part in a protest against the mistreatment of Ugandan refugees. 14 year old Ugandan girls turn out in record numbers.

June 2007 - United States President George W. Bush asks for $30 billion to fight AIDS in Africa, to the praises of Bono. In response, the city of New Orleans releases a statement reading, “Hi… still here.” At the same time, the magazine Vanity Fair prints 20 different covers of a special “Africa” issue, each one featuring a different celebrity or musician. Many stars of the music world, including Jay-Z, Alicia Keys and — of course — Bono, are photographed for the various covers.

July 2007 - Al Gore’s Live Earth concert series is held to a massive audience across the globe. Though they are meant to raise awareness for global warming, the concerts unintentionally spark more interest in human rights issues, especially the situation in Africa. Money is donated in record numbers to the continent. Meanwhile, people continue to destroy the environment at will.

May 2008 - Hollaback Mobile, a new cell phone company, donates proceeds from its new campaign (”Holla at Rwanda”) to African relief. Christina Aguilera acts as the face and breasts of the campaign. Assisted by the support of various other musicians, Africans begin to take rudimentary steps toward a better life. People can now afford the basics, such as food and clothing, and condoms are distributed, greatly reducing the spread of HIV/AIDS. Around the same time, riots break out in the American city of Detroit, causing chaos and leaving the city uninhabitable.

January 2009 - Money continues to pour in. Africans are now able to afford basic housing and filtered water. Bono holds a summit in London to announce that, “even though we have made great strides in Africa, the job is not even close to finished.” A month later, U2 releases a crappy CD.

August 2010 - Because of the country’s dependence on foreign oil, many U.S. citizens are going broke paying for gasoline, which is now $14 a gallon. Though hybrid cars are readily available, no one buys them because they’re really lame. The people of New Orleans completely give up and just start trading in their cars for boats. Non-hybrid boats, of course.

March 2012 - The American educational system slips a little more, putting it just below Indonesia in the ranks. Meanwhile, royalties from a new album called Clap Your Hands for Africa — a collection of Eric Clapton covers — provides Africa with the money to afford schools and roadways. African plants sharply increase the production of low-cost, electric-powered vehicles.

June 2014 - It is discovered that Sally Struthers was embezzling funds, which finally explains why her “Save Africa” commercials were on all the time and yet had no effect whatsoever. Millions of dollars are recovered and sent to the continent. With all of its people’s basic needs taken care of, African officials begin to strategically loan out and invest the money. Back in America, the Chicago Cubs win the World Series for the first time in 106 years, and during the celebration, the entire city of Chicago is accidentally burned to the ground.

February 2016 - Bono, Chester Bennington of Linkin Park (which is now a contemporary jazz band) and uber-political activist Jojo hold a telethon for Africa. Bono explains, “even though the seeds have been planted and have started to grow, they still need water to become a full-bloomed flower.” Americans, who currently read at a 4^th grade level, nod and write checks. The telethon, which included a much-talked-about appearance from a coked-out Haley Joel Osment, receives the best Internet TV ratings of the year, barely edging out the country’s most popular game show, “Guess Which Hand the Coin Is In.” A month later, U2 releases another crappy CD.

January 2022 - After years where it seemed like no progress was being made, Africa hits a jackpot in the stock market with all its previously invested money. The continent can now afford luxuries such as parks, stadiums and museums. AIDS is virtually non-existent, and for those few people that do contract the disease, it turns out Magic Johnson donated the cure during a telethon.

September 2024 - After spending off all its tax money on a new baseball stadium, the American city of Houston goes bankrupt and dissolves. Similar scenarios occur in Pittsburgh, St. Louis and Denver.

March 2025 - An album called AfriCabo Wabo — a collection of Sammy Hagar covers — donates proceeds towards African relief. Bono issues the following statement: “We must continue to look after Africa. We’ve watched it burst through its cocoon and evolve into a fully-grown butterfly. And now that it is spreading its wings and leaving the nest, we must continue to support it in its eternal journey, so that it is not caught in the net of relapse and placed into the jar of despair.” Americans nod, write checks, and go back to watching the popular game show “How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?” A month later, U2 releases a new CD. It’s not bad, but because of his activism, Bono failed to realize that CDs had gone extinct 8 years earlier. Meanwhile, the entire city of New Orleans, which has since relocated to Birmingham, Alabama, is destroyed by a tornado. The government promises to fix the situation ASAP.

October 2028 - Thanks to a strange climate shift brought on by hairspray containers, for the first time in 10,000 years, Africa is a fertile valley again, while the Western Hemisphere has begun to dry up into a desert-like state. African farmland, which is managed by robots, is incredible. Africans are not only self-sufficient, but they are able to provide for the entire continent of Asia as well. Thanks to its superior athlete training facilities, Africa dominates the 2028 Olympics and gains every endorsement known to man. The money goes toward providing each citizen with a hoverboard, after African officials watch a copy of Back to the Future and think, “why didn’t America make this happen already?”

December 2031 - Crime in America has risen to astronomical levels. Murder rates are especially out of hand. Many European experts — America no longer has experts — blame the popular rap song, “Stop Rattin’ and Start Muthafuckin’ Shootin’” by the artist Yung Assazzin. The entire city of Baltimore is murdered. As an act of solidarity, the African government removes thousands of ancient tribal shields from its museums and sends them to America for protection.

May 2034 - Bono, Ryan Cabrera (now a senator from California) and Kingston Stefani hold a press conference for African relief. Bono makes the following statement: “Even though Africa has surpassed both America and Europe as a society, it is important that we continue to support the continent. The only way we can improve our countries is by improving our souls, and the only way we can improve our souls is to show the goodness of our hearts through charitable donation.” Americans nod, write checks, reapply their Tyson Chicken-flavored feeding tubes, and turn back to the popular game show “Is This A Man Or A Kitten?” A month later, U2 releases a CD with absolutely nothing on it.

January 2038 - Inspired by Bono’s words, but too lazy to act on them for 4 years, Americans go out in record numbers to buy the album A Nickel and a Creed: Doing What We Can to Support Africa. The album — a collection of Nickelback and Creed covers — costs only a nickel. Even though America recently decided to make its nickels out of solid gold in order to be as flashy as possible, they still have 1/1,000^th the monetary value of the African penny. Africa accepts this gift as a show of good faith (and because it’s gold). Meanwhile, the city of New Orleaningham, which has relocated to Lexington, Kentucky, is destroyed by a 97-foot tall, chemically-enhanced cockroach. The cockroach continues its rampage through much of the Midwest. The government promises to take care of the cockroach ASAP.

November 2042 - African scientists, regarded as the best in the world, develop the technology that allows humans to fly. A small chip is installed in each African citizen’s arm that, in addition to the powers of flight, allows them all of the same abilities as the chick in Terminator 3. Meanwhile, in the American city of Las Vegas, a man loses $400 on one hand of blackjack, snaps, chokes the dealer, and then goes on a massive killing spree that leaves everyone in the entire state of Nevada and half of Utah dead.

June 2047 - Always proactive, Africa decides to take the stockpile of America’s gold nickels and melt them down, then coat the entire continent with liquid gold. After the process is complete, Africa is made of solid gold, with 50-foot golden walls going around the entire continent. Angelina Jolie’s 32 adopted African children ask their mom if they can go back home.

August 2050 - Pollution proves deadly, as the polar icecaps melt and unleash a massive tidal wave throughout the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. The Pacific tidal wave blankets America’s west coast, leaving everything west of the Rocky Mountains under water. The Atlantic tidal wave heads directly at Africa; however, it bounces off Africa’s 50-foot solid gold wall and heads back at America with twice its original velocity. The waves engulf America’s east coast, all the way to the Mississippi River. New York, Boston, Miami and all other major eastern cities are lost. The city of New Orlexingtoninham, which has recently relocated to Cincinnati, is totally flooded. The government says, “bahhdfldahf ahghaldgkd ndal;fjda hhdka lahdldahgd” (the government is now under water; that loosely translates to “we’ll take care of it ASAP”). All surviving Americans are forced to go underground to survive, except for born-again Christians and emo fans, both of whom embrace the pending apocalypse.

*****

2100 - An American, who was in Europe during the Great Flood of 2050, takes a vacation to Africa’s Paradise Coast (formerly known as Somalia). While staying in his 6-star resort on a beach with sand made of tiny platinum shards, he turns on the TV (TVs now exist in thin air and can be turned on by the mind). A commercial comes on with a woman holding a dying child.

A narrator reads the following message:

“For just pennies a day, you can help save this impoverished American boy’s life. Each day, thousands of Americans die due to illness, starvation, and disease. They can’t even afford the basic necessities like food and water. It’s a life that you couldn’t possibly comprehend. But you can make a difference. Won’t you please donate?”

The man sheds a single tear, then teleports down to the beach.

[Ed. Note:  This story was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in late 2007.]

Back in the 1970s, Jimmy Page and Led Zeppelin had mass commercial appeal, but were constantly bashed by rock critics. Page brushed off these criticisms by declaring that the band was a year ahead of its time, and that people would eventually catch up.

In the late 90s, Billy Corgan and the Smashing Pumpkins released an album called Adore. The album represented the band’s transition away from rock and into electronic music. It was a commercial and critical disaster. Corgan brushed off criticism by declaring that Adore was ten years ahead of its time, and that people wouldn’t truly understand its greatness without the passage of time.

Last year, ex-Blink182 singer Tom DeLonge started releasing music with a new band called Angels & Airwaves. DeLonge’s A&A project was a vast departure from Blink, and fans and critics didn’t immediately warm up to it. DeLonge brushed off criticism by declaring that A&A was partaking in a 30-year plan to change lives, and that the full effect of A&A’s music won’t be seen until three decades from now.

As technology evolves more rapidly than ever, people are forced to keep up with the changing times, and geniuses are no exception. A true genius is always ahead of his time. But how far ahead must he be? In the 70s, people communicated through the postal service and rotary phones, and Jimmy Page only needed to be one year ahead of everyone else. By the time the 90s came around, the Internet and email gave people access to instant information and communication. Therefore, a genius like Billy Corgan needed to stay 10 years ahead of his time, lest he risk the embarrassment of falling in line with the general public. These days, new technology grows by the minute, and you never know when the next great discovery can advance our society by ten years overnight. As a result, it’s crucial that a genius like Tom DeLonge stay a minimum of 30 years ahead of his time, otherwise Apple could put out an amazing new phone and make him look stupid.

Now, I don’t want to sound arrogant here, but I consider myself somewhat of a genius. I’ve always had the suspicion that something was wrong with me, because I just couldn’t understand the logic behind so much of what was going on in the world around me. Why do people divide themselves into political parties instead of working together toward common goals? Why are so many people angry at their lives, when it’s often their negative attitude that keeps them down in the first place? Why do people think “Everybody Loves Raymond” is a good show, when it clearly sucks? Questions like these kept me awake at night. I thought it was because I just didn’t understand the common person. Well, it turns out the common person just doesn’t understand me.

Why? Because I am 110 years ahead of my time. That’s right, I’m so far ahead of my time that I consider Tom DeLonge and Billy Corgan to be way behind. In fact, I frequently call up Corgan and ask him if he remembered to wear his “special helmet and shoes,” cause by my standards, he might as well be riding the short bus every day. It’s really hard for me to explain my genius to the average person — even when I dumb things down, I’m still 35-40 years ahead of my time — but allow me to try.

When I put together Shoutmouth’s list of The 50 Hottest Women in Music, there were complaints that it objectified women. What people didn’t understand is that I wasn’t objectifying anyone. Quite the opposite, in fact; I had identified an emerging trend of reverse beauty-based discrimination, and I was already working towards stopping it. Sure, everyone knows that beauty doesn’t equal talent, but now there’s an underlying belief amongst the public that beautiful people can’t be talented. Just because someone is attractive, does that mean they are unable to possess musical ability? It sounds ridiculous, but that seems to be the general thought process in this country. And that’s why I made that list. It was an undercover operation to prove that music fans were biased against the beautiful, and it worked perfectly. Of course, no one will understand this for about 58 years. But one day, you’ll see.

Or how about a story I wrote awhile back, about the Plain White T’s hit song, “Hey There Delilah?” I told the story behind the song, and called the band’s singer a stalker. Many people were upset over this. But what they didn’t realize is that I was giving the singer a compliment. You see, with websites like MySpace, Facebook and various other voyeuristic sites taking over the world, it’s clear that stalking is quickly becoming a talent rather than a creepy behavior. Have you ever heard a group of girls talking about a guy they met the night before, and one of the girls was bragging about how she was able to locate the guy online and find out his favorite movies and whether or not he wants children one day? Happens all the time. Imagine what things will be like in a few decades, when technological advancements allow you to see into someone’s bedroom from outer space, without ever leaving your home office. Stalking will soon be a widely-desired skill, with the best stalkers getting into the best colleges and receiving the best job offers. In other words, I wasn’t making fun of the Plain White T’s; I was calling their singer a talented guy. Sadly, you won’t grasp this concept for approximately 76 years.

And while we’re on this topic, just the other day, my roommate said hello to me, and I immediately kicked him in the balls. Now, some people might say that kicking your roommate in the balls for no apparent reason is a total dick move, but what they don’t understand is, I did have a reason. The latest scientific studies have proven that humans consume an insufficient amount of oxygen, primarily due to unhealthy and unkempt homes, workplaces, buses, trains, airplanes, etc. By kicking my roommate in the balls, I caused him to gasp for air, thus increasing his oxygen intake, and in the long term, saving his life. It’s too bad he won’t appreciate my gesture for at least 93 years. One day he’ll find me in heaven and thank me, though.

It’s not easy being a genius. You put in hours and hours of work to achieve perfection, and go out of your way to try and improve society. Yet much of your finest work is still misunderstood by the general public. Sometimes it gets frustrating, and you wonder why people can’t comprehend the world on the same level that you do. But alas, I’ve become accustomed to this life, and I rest easy knowing that in 110 years from now, the world will finally understand my genius.

Unfortunately, you’ll all be long dead by then. But three generations from now… Those guys will totally get it.

[Ed. Note: This article was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in November of 2007.]

I am going to be the worst parent ever. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll love my kids very dearly, but when they ask for shit like Hannah Montana tickets, I’m going to try Ticketmaster once, find out the concert is sold out, and then tell them to shut the hell up and play with blocks like I used to when I was growing up (blatantly disregarding the fact that I grew up with Super Nintendo).

And that’s why Jody Powell, despite his effeminate name, is twice the father I’ll ever be. The 35-year old Powell just won his 7-year old daughter tickets to next week’s Hannah Montana concert in Tampa by… get this… holding onto a statue for 6 days straight.

Now granted, he did get a bathroom break every 3 hours, and they did bring him meals. And the prize included $5,000 and backstage passes. But still, this guy spent the majority of six straight days with his hand on a giant Hannah Montana statue. Oh yeah, did I mention that part? It was a 12-foot statue of Hannah Montana. He couldn’t read books, talk on the phone, or use an iPod. Books suck, so whatever, but no phone calls or iPods? That’s horrible. If I had the choice between holding a statue for 6 days with no iPod, or getting stabbed, I’d have to seriously think about it.

Here’s how bad it got: The second place finisher, a woman named Lara Padgett, lost on the sixth day when the Florida sun drained all of her energy and she had to be TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL and treated. This woman almost died to get her kid Hannah Montana tickets. Which, to me, proves one thing…

Some people go to insane lengths to make their children happy.

Well, here’s the thing. Happiness is a state of mind. So when you take a week off from work and almost kill yourself to get Hannah Montana tickets, what’s next? Kids aren’t really the appreciative type; they’ll just expect that same kind of dedication the next time they want something. “Mommy, why can’t I see Bee Movie? I don’t care if it’s sold out!!! Why won’t you hold a statue again and win tickets?!?!?! AAAHHHH!!!!” Then the crying starts, and you have to lock the kid in the car, and of course that’s when your neighbor comes over to borrow a rake and things get really awkward.

That’s why, when I’m a father, much in the same way that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, I’m going to bring discipline back. I’m not as marketable as JT, but I think this will catch on. Kids these days have it too easy and it’s time for parents to take back control. What’s the point in spoiling your kid when they won’t even remember it in ten years anyway? If I have a daughter… well, she’s getting locked in the basement til she’s 30, so that won’t be an issue. But if I have a son, he’s just going to have to learn some hard lessons, like “you can’t always get what you want” and “daddy doesn’t hold onto statues for six days because it cuts into his drinking.”

Which brings us to our question of the day. What would it take for you to hold on to a statue for six straight days? I mean, obviously you’re going to do it for a new house or a million dollars, but for concert tickets? What about the chance to meet someone famous? Even for the chance to meet my idol, Eddie Vedder, I could probably make it, like, 3 hours. After that I’d say “fuck this, I’d rather just listen to the CD” and give up.

Is there any concert that would inspire you to hold a statue for 6 days straight? Is there any famous person who you’d hold a statue for six days to meet? And why do kids get whatever they want?

The questions keep piling up.

[Ed. Note: This story was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in November of 2007.]

Green Day front man Billie Joe Armstrong recently interviewed with Rolling Stone, and the questions turned political. For those who — somehow — don’t know, Green Day released an album called American Idiot in 2004. You may have heard this album when it was being played on radio, on TV, online, in grocery stores, at bowling alleys, at your grandma’s house, at the DMV, or in some cases, when it was being streamed directly into your brain. The album was extremely anti-George Bush, prompting this question/answer exchange:

Do you think selling nearly 6 million copies of that album might have an effect on the 2008 election? A kid who bought it at fifteen will be voting age next year.

I hope so. I made it to give people a reason to think for themselves. It was supposed to be a catalyst. Maybe that’s one reason why it’s difficult for me to write about politics now. A lot of things on that record are still relevant. What needs to happen is a complete change, a person coming from the outside with a new perspective on all the fucked-up problems we have.

RS also asked Billie Joe what kind of future he expected for his children, and Armstrong responded that the Iraq War had to end before any major improvements could take place. He added that the lack of a draft is why kids didn’t “give a shit” and would “rather watch videos on YouTube.”

Umm, nice try, but I looked up Iraq War on YouTube and found this video that had 473,257 views. Don’t hate our generation just because we know how to have our cake and eat it too. Of course, the video only had 6 comments, so maybe Armstrong has a point, although personally I think it just needed a better background song or a piano-playing cat.

On a political note, do you realize that, if things happen a certain way, there could be 28-year olds in 2016 who have never seen a President not named Bush or Clinton? I don’t really care, I just think that’s interesting. When asked who he supports in the 2008 race, Armstrong said he’s leaning toward Barack Obama right now, but that it’s still too early for him to make a decision. That’s the thing about these elections; they start out with a bunch of people, you get attached to one, and then your candidate loses the primary and disappears from your life forever. It’s kind of like dating George Clooney. That’s right, Clooney, I know your game, and if you don’t call my sister back then I will never buy a hybrid car.

Hi. My name is Tom. From 2006 until earlier this year, I wrote about music for the website Shoutmouth.com. Unfortunately that site changed formats and stopped covering music, and my dream of being the world’s least influential music writer came to an end. But luckily, the time I spent writing there helped me realize what is perhaps my greatest talent in life: Taking important and serious topics and making jokes about them. Yes, discussing society’s most pressing issues in an inappropriate, flippant and usually offensive manner is my specialty. In addition, I also like to discuss hot chicks and throw in references to 90s rock bands whenever possible.

Take This Seriously is about that. It’s about life, society, the news, world issues, hot chicks, inappropriate jokes, and Candlebox.

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