I just read the most ridiculous story from the AP, and thought to myself, “I can’t believe anyone would do that.” Then I remembered this is America in 2008 and thought, “oh yeah, I’m surprised no one has tried that before.”

Let’s talk about it. A woman posted an ad on eBay, offering both her house and her hand in marriage as a package deal. Some guy agrees to buy her house, and he gets to marry her. It’s the perfect deal for a guy who wants love and a new place, right?

What makes this unbelievable is not that someone would try it (refer to paragraph 1). What’s truly amazing is how much of a rip-off this deal is. First off, the house is worth a little over $300,000, but the woman’s asking price is $500,000. So she’s looking to make quite a profit off the “love” portion of the deal. Come on lady, that’s lame. I mean, even J. Lo says her love don’t cost a thing. We all know it’s a lie, but the point is, you could at least fake it. Secondly, everyone knows this is a scam, right? Some guy is going to buy this house, then she’ll date him for like three weeks before saying that she doesn’t feel a connection, and that she’s terribly sorry for all the hardships she’s caused him throughout this ordeal, and that if he could just leave the check for the house on the dresser on his way out, that would be great. And she’ll miraculously have the world’s first ever three-week long period, so the guy won’t even get any action. Also, she’s a 42-year old divorced single mother. Which is fine, except it’s not exactly the type of resume that usually gets you a $500,000 signing bonus.

These are my favorite quotes from the story:

“I’m struggling… I don’t want to lose my house and I want to find somebody,” said Trabosh, who changed her name in the ad to Traboscia to keep people from finding her in the phone book. “So I came up with this dream plan because I’ve always dreamt about being a fairytale princess.”

“I’m not selling myself. I’m selling love”

Right. You have to love the media. The AP mentions how the woman didn’t want her name revealed, and yet reveals her name anyways. The fairytale princess thing is a reference to the title of her eBay post, which was — try not to laugh — “Marry a Princess Lost in America.” Hahahahahahaha. Oh sorry, I guess I couldn’t contain the laughter. I haven’t seen all the Disney movies, but I’m pretty sure there’s not one where Prince Charming comes from his castle on a white horse and lays down $500 G’s to marry a single mom in her 40’s and buy a South Florida condo. I’m sure there’s someone out there who is perfect for this woman, and I’m sure the house is lovely, but there has to be a better way of going about this.

Does anyone care about integrity anymore, or has the Internet made it so we all just do whatever we can to get noticed? I’ve spent the past couple years working on the Internet, and getting to know the in’s and out’s of the online business, and it’s incredible what some people will do to get attention (both individuals and businesses). Call me old-fashioned, but I’ve always thought it’s better to be a big fish in a little pond than to be a medium-sized fish in an ocean where companies have been dumping toxic waste for years and all the fish have six eyes and an arm growing out of their tail. You know what? Fuck it… I might as well jump on board. So here’s announcing, right now, the “Tom Z Ultra-Exclusive Super Special Package Deal.” For just $150,000, I will give you the rights to TakeThisSeriously.com and all of its back content with full resale rights, along with a Shoutmouth.com t-shirt, size L. Also, I will come to your house with a bottle of Yellowtail and watch a movie with you on a night of your choice. You might get a drunken hook-up out of the deal, but no promises, I’ll have to check you out first and make sure you’re a 6.5 or better. That’s the “Tom Z Ultra-Exclusive Super Special Package Deal”… just sign up below in the comments section.

[*Shirt size non-negotiable. Deal excludes weekends or holidays. Applicants not living in the tri-state area will also cover transportation costs for Tom Z’s trip to their house. Yellowtail will be provided free of charge. Movie choice is up to the applicant, but may not be anything starring Meryl Streep or Ryan Gosling. Attractive women preferred, and for God’s sake, no dudes.]

According to a new story on CNN, men will be the deciding demographic in the 2008 election. You may recall the last election in 2004, when soccer moms were declared the most important demographic for politicians.

Now, it’s the men’s turn. And I say, it’s about goddamn time. Seems like women have been deciding elections since this country was formed. At least I think that’s what I learned in history class. I don’t know. I’ll be honest, I spent most of my time in that class staring at Lisa Woods. We were just freshmen but her breasts were already developing at a sophomore level. I’ll always remember you, Lisa.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, men will decide the election.

I’m a man, and my vote is still up for grabs. So with that in mind, I submit to both candidates the following questions. These are about issues that I believe all men are interested in. If men are truly going to decide the ’08 election, I suggest you candidates think long and hard about your stance on these critical issues…

-What’s the best “Seinfeld” episode?

-Golden Tee or Buck Hunter?

-Jessica Simpson x3 or Carrie Underwood x4?

-Do you believe in the merits of changing your own oil or do you feel that advances in technology and customer service have made quick-change franchises like Valvoline more efficient and thus a viable alternative?

-True or false: Using Axe Body Spray instead of showering on a Sunday is perfectly acceptable.

-Let’s say Girl A is a 10 personality and a 6 in looks and Girl B is a perfect 10 in looks but a 4 for personality. Who would you rather date, and why?

-Tom Brady: Big douche or coolest guy ever?

-What is your stance on cockblocking? Do you agree with the longstanding traditional belief that cockblocking is unacceptable under any circumstances, or do you think it becomes OK when the chick is, like, really ugly?

-If you could play any one 1990s one-hit wonder rap song to get a party started, which one would it be?

-What is your opinion on the current BCS system versus a potential playoff? When answering, please discuss how the outcome of the 2004 season would have been better or worse given your solution.

-You’re at the bar and you have $10 dollars left in your wallet. Beers are $4 and a cab ride home is $7. What do you do?

-True or false: “Road House” is the greatest movie ever

Answer wisely, gentlemen. And yes, there are wrong answers.

In this world of ours, there is no shortage of difficult issues. From poverty to war to an unfair class structure, there are too many troubling problems facing society today. And sadly, many young people just don’t care. Sure, they pretend to be interested in the issues, but when it comes time to take action, they simply turn away and keep a blind eye to the important topic at hand.

Fortunately, there is a way to reach the youth of the world. Yes, one method of communication has proven highly effective when it comes to reaching out and inspiring young people the world over.

And that, my friends, is rap music.

Young people are the future, and if we’re going to improve this planet of ours then we need the youth to be involved. In an effort to inspire, motivate, and solve all of the world’s most troubling issues, I have decided to get young people involved the only way I know how: By creating hot new rap lyrics.

This time we’ll tackle one of the world’s most pressing current issues…

High Gas Prices.

Hopefully the following made-up rap song will give you kids a new perspective and solve this issue once and for all.

*******************************

“F**k Gas Prices (F**k ‘em Real Good)”
by Yung Teezy

Every day I wake up and go ridin’ in my Hummer
I pass the gas station, can’t believe them fuckin’ numbers
$3.85, four dollas, $4.50 shawty
That’s a whole lotta money that I can’t spend on Bacardi
What’s a playa s’posed to do? How’s a real thug s’posed to shoot?
When an AK-47 cost less than the commute
To the gun store, where the prices always getting higher
You see them gas prices, they’s affectin’ the suppliers
To keep those trucks on the road, I’m paying extra tax on groceries
You expect me to cut back on Cristal, naw that ain’t cool B
So I stopped buying Magnums just to save a little income
Now I got 7 new mouths to feed, aww shit, son

Man fuck them gas prices
(Yeah fuck them real good!)
Man, fuck them gas prices
(Yeah fuck them real good!)
Man, fuck gas prices
Yeah fuck ‘em!!

So I complained and complained, but then I realized
Gotta shut my diamond-encrusted mouth and open my eyes
Gotta walk more, carpool, find a better way
Gotta consume less petroleum and way more Alizé
Gotta drive less, ride a bike, go out for less dinners
Gotta buy a Hybrid Escalade with some fly-ass spinners
Let’s improve our global standing, let’s stop acting like snitches
Let’s break our dependence on foreign oil and depend on foreign bitches
If we don’t make some changes, our money gon’ be dead
I’m-a save myself some coin by fucking ho’s on a moped
And with all these extra dollas in my pocket that keep forming
I’m-a make it rain, gonna stop global warming
We all gotta make changes, let’s all reach for the stars
Don’t want my 42 kids growin’ up in a world without cars
Let’s reject this agenda Exxon Mobil be sellin’
Let’s keep on ballin’ while we keep on yellin’…

Man fuck them gas prices
(Yeah fuck them real good!)
Man, fuck them gas prices
(Yeah fuck them real good!)
Man, fuck gas prices
Yeah fuck ‘em!!

Uhh, yeah, man, $4.08, $3.95, uhh, $4.12 up in this piece, shout out to my man corn oil, yeah, yeah, fuck them gas prices, uhh, all night long baby

A 24-year old woman from Colorado was hiking in Germany last week, when she got lost in the mountains during a storm.

Luckily, it turns out she was the smartest woman ever, and she was able to get help by taking off her sports bra and using it as a signal to get help. She attached the bra to a timber company’s cable and after a bunch of lumberjacks discovered it, a rescue helicopter was sent in.

Ladies, I think the lesson is clear: If you’re ever lost or in danger, just get naked.

Is it a coincidence that this woman spent three full days lost in the mountains, and then was discovered after removing her bra? I think not. Or what about the fact that an 80-person search and rescue team was scouring the mountains for this girl with little success, but after the removing of her sports bra, a helicopter was able to rush in and sweep her away to safety? You can’t argue with history, girls. I think it’s imperative that, next time you find yourself unsure of which direction to go, you immediately take off your top.

I used to live in Manhattan, and while I was there, many people asked me for directions. A lot of these people were women. None of them ever removed their bras. And guess what? None of them ever figured out which way to go. Now, some would say that’s because I was still relatively new to the city, and didn’t own a car, and therefore didn’t know dick about giving quick and accurate directions to the West Side Highway, so I ended up inadvertently sending everyone to Spanish Harlem. That’s one theory. But let’s keep in mind, one of the main reasons so many people asked me for directions is because I’m a friendly guy from Upstate NY. It’s tough to get anyone’s attention in New York City because everyone is so busy and hesitant to offer assistance or even stop for a second. If you want directions, you need to get someone’s attention first. And how do you get attention? You guessed it. By taking off your top. I guarantee if those women asking me for directions disrobed, a bunch of guys would have come running over, and one of them would have known the correct directions to wherever that woman was going.

It’s just common sense.

And don’t think this advice is limited to actual scenarios in which you are lost. Even when you’re feeling emotionally or mentally lost, it helps to take off your bra. Let’s say you’re feeling metaphorically lost, and you need someone to talk to. Well, nobody wants to hear about your issues or struggles. Sorry, but we have our own problems. However, if you make the first move by taking off your bra, you’ll undoubtedly find people willing to sit with you and listen as you sort out your life crises. One hand washes the other, and you have to give a little to take a little.

This is Philosophy 101, ladies.

And you know what? You don’t even have to stop there. Why wait until you’re lost to get nude? What about being proactive with your bra removal? If taking off a bra can do such great things for someone in trouble, imagine what it can do for someone who’s already doing fine. Girls, try taking off your bras in different social settings and see what happens. Why, you could end up getting that big promotion, or winning the lottery, or reuniting with the daughter you gave up for adoption eighteen years ago, or maybe even getting those royalty checks from the Lifetime movie that was made about your aforementioned dilemma with your daughter. Anything’s possible, and the sky is the limit! Plus, who wants to wear a bra anyway? Those things aren’t comfortable, and why own a Lamborghini if you’re going to keep it in the garage, you know what I mean?

Taking off your bra works. Let’s go back to the lost hiker. Even if those lumberjacks didn’t see the actual bra attached to the cable, they still would have found the girl quickly. Lumberjacks are the construction workers of the forest, and they’re trained to sniff out attractive women with little or no clothes like police dogs sniffing out a pound of cocaine. In fact, police are also well known for finding attractive scantily-clad women in peril. It’s in the police handbook. “Always save hot semi-nude women quickly and with due diligence.” That’s actually listed ahead of many traffic laws. The point is, if you’re an attractive chick and you get lost, get naked.

Which brings us to another important lesson: Always be attractive.

A wise man once said, “if you’re ugly and you get lost in the woods, just eat random berries until you die, because no one’s coming to help you anyways.” It might have been Confucius, I can’t remember. The lost hiker in this story was training for a marathon, so she was likely in amazing shape. Getting naked works tremendously for good-looking people. But be warned, under no circumstances should an ugly person attempt it. If you’re ugly and you’re lost, please, ignore my previous advice and just use MapQuest.

I hope we all learned something here. Ladies, you can thank me for the advice by… well, I think you know.

Growing up, my grandfather Joe was an inspiration to me. My three other grandparents had all been killed in (separate) car accidents, so he was the only remaining elder in my life. Oh sure, I had my parents, but sometimes as a child you spend so much time arguing with your parents and fighting with them over various stupid issues that you aren’t able to absorb the knowledge they have to offer. On the other hand, Grandpa Joe never had to worry about disciplining me, so he was able to spend time spoiling me and passing along precious nuggets of wisdom. My grandfather was both a source of constant inspiration as well as a fountain of unending knowledge.

Some people only see their grandparents on holidays or at the occasional family get-together, but such was not the case for me. Grandpa Joe and I spent a ton of time together. When I was just a small child, I used to help him with yard work, and then we would always go inside and play a game of chess (or two). As he taught me how to use a knight advantageously, he also taught me dozens of other important life lessons. It was from him that I learned most of the wisdom and lessons that shaped me into the person I am today. My grandfather was not only a great friend; he was my hero.

Sadly, when I was 18 years old, my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He fought the disease tooth and nail, but eventually it spread to other organs and began to slowly wear down his body. He passed away a year and a half later. On his final day, I went to visit him in the hospital for what would be the last time. I can still remember the moment vividly. As I sat there watching a story about the Bosnian civil war on the evening news, my grandfather summoned for me to move closer. He said to me, “I have something very important to tell you.” I leaned in close and he began to whisper in my ear. For as long as I live, I’ll never forget what he said: “Tom, first, I just want to say that spending time with you over these past 19 years has been one of the best and most fulfilling things in my entire life. I know I tried to teach you a lot of stuff when you were younger. Some of it was probably good advice, and some of it was probably not that great. Well, what I’m about to tell you is hands down the most important lesson I could ever wish to share with you. You’re a great kid, and I can tell you’re going to go on to big things. But if you want to have an amazing and truly fulfilling life, the most important thing you could ever know is…”

Oh, by the way, before I continue with this story, did anyone see those pictures of Paris Hilton from yesterday? Oh man! Is it just me or does she look totally pregnant? Do you think she’s faking it? She’s wearing one of those maternity shirts, but those are kinda the style right now, ya know? I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s faking though. She’s such a publicity whore! I know this girl who hung out with her once, and she told me that Paris is a total bitch! But what if it’s true? I can’t believe Benji Madden would knock that up!! Isn’t it so weird, it’s like, 5 years ago he sang about how rich and famous people suck, and now he’s rich and famous himself!!! OMG, it’s like, so crazy!!! He should totally have to give the profits from that song to charity now!!! WTF, bro!!

Anyway, where was I? Hmm, I can’t remember. Oh well, I’m sure it was nothing important.

The Killers’ “When You Were Young” sounds like a Bruce Springsteen song.

Also, I just wrote an article about The Killers for the music website Icons of Punk. Here’s the link:

http://www.iconsofpunk.com/A_KillersEffect.htm

This article is about The Killers, but it’s also about so much more. For instance, it mentions Coldplay. And it has cool pictures. So go check it out.

Anytime I think of The Killers, it makes me think of that terrible feud they had with The Bravery for like 5 minutes back in the early part of the decade. I hate doing a post that’s just a link, so if you’ll bear with me, I’d like to go through the 5 Worst Feuds in Music…

5) The Killers vs. The Bravery

The Killers were one of the biggest bands in the world during this feud, and The Bravery were relatively unknown. It looked like The Bravery was going to become huge, which gave this feud potential, but it never came to fruition. In a related story, there’s this bar in Manhattan called The Bravest, and every time I go there I call it The Bravery by accident. Once the bartender heard me and got really mad. Sorry lady, but if you name your bar something similar to a little-known rock band, I’m going to mess it up. The same thing happens when I go to the bar Dishwallo.

4) Oasis vs. Blur

Oasis was literally the biggest band in the world in the mid-90s. Blur is a great band, but to 95% of people they’re just “that band that sings that Woo-Hoo song.”

3) Marilyn Manson vs. Everyone

When Manson was promoting his latest album, he tried to pick a fight with a bunch of people to stir up controversy (and sell albums). My Chemical Romance got the majority of his wrath. My general rule of thumb is, when two dudes who wear make-up are fighting, you don’t pick sides, you just walk away. Manson also tried to pick a fight with Virginia Tech, saying that he didn’t want to get blamed for the shooting. It was funny because nobody ever blamed him in the first place. I used to have a running joke that Marilyn Manson would just show up wherever there was controversy and yell, “Don’t blame me!” In fact I’m pretty sure he was in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina doing a Steve Urkel pose and going, “Did I do thaaaaat?!?”

2) Toby Keith vs. The Dixie Chicks

Who do you root for in this one? Toby Keith fans bring Confederate flags to his shows (true story – I’ve seen it), and the Dixie Chicks are the Dixie Chicks. I don’t know who won this feud, but I can tell you who lost: America.

1) Hilary Duff vs. Lindsay Lohan

This feud was ranked above Biggie-Tupac by VH1 (on a list of Greatest Feuds). The purpose of lists is to start arguments, but that’s just insane. If I recall correctly, these two were fighting for the love of Aaron Carter, which makes this roughly 10,000 times lamer. I’ve seen people fight over a Pop-Tart and it was more interesting than this “feud.” Of course, 27 people died in The Great Binghamton Pop-Tart Tragedy of 1997, so I probably shouldn’t make jokes about it. It was a horrible tragedy. Never forget.

Anyone who knows a girl knows that there’s a “Sex and the City” movie currently in theatres. For the rest of you, I’m telling you right now, there’s a “Sex and the City” movie currently in theatres.

This movie has become a smash hit. It has already made over $200 million dollars worldwide according Wikipedia. Of course, Wikipedia once said that I dated Carrie Underwood, so perhaps it’s not the most reliable source (unless stuff that happened in my dreams counts as fact), but whatever the actual number, “Sex and the City” is a behemoth.

Sarah Jessica Parker wakes up and puts on a giant green dress made from alligator skin, with the alligator head still sticking out of the side. Then she goes out to get a coffee, and while she’s walking through the streets of Manhattan, she becomes smitten with a man when he gets hit by a cab and flies through the air, landing on top of her. The teeth on the alligator dress pierce a hole in the man’s abdomen region, so Sarah Jessica offers to buy him a coffee as an apology. While they’re at the coffee shop, the man says he likes John Grisham novels, and since Sarah Jessica Parker likes John Grisham novels too, she knows that this man is her soulmate. Then she goes to the bar for Cosmo’s with her three friends. Her red-haired lesbian-looking friend tells her how upset she is that her husband doesn’t want her using her Blackberry during sex. Her hotter brunette friend talks about converting to a radical Islamic faith for this new guy she’s dating. Then her OK-looking-but-kinda-old blond friend starts to tell a story about banging her drycleaner, but leaves halfway through to go bang the bartender. Sarah Jessica goes home, changes into a new dress made from a giraffe, then goes out for dinner with the guy from the coffee shop. Twenty minutes later things are getting hot and heavy at his apartment, when the man sadly – yet quite ironically – gets his dick stuck in a coffee maker. Sarah Jessica leaves and meets up with her friends at another bar for Manhattans, and the movie ends with a cheesy Sarah Jessica voiceover, something like, “Even though our relationship started out hotter and sweeter than Starbucks, it ended black and harsher than the decaf thermos at a Hess station. But luckily, I learned an important lesson. In the coffee shop of life, you can’t rely on a barista to make your decisions. You have to add your own Splenda to your relationship, otherwise you’ll just hit the wall and end up more tired than you were before.”

I might be missing a subplot or two but I’m 98% certain that’s the movie. Now, as you can probably guess from my summation above, I saw many episodes of “Sex and the City” when it was on TV. Alright, let’s be honest, I’ve actually seen every episode. Don’t judge me… I lived with a girl and we had no cable for 3 weeks and those were the only DVDs we/she owned. And she was hot, so I did whatever she said. I’m just a man, dammit!

The point to all this nonsense is that I don’t understand why people are so surprised by the success of the “Sex and the City” movie. It seems like every show I watch or every website I check has a story like “Sex and the City is a Surprising Box Office Hit!” No one can seem to believe that this huge hit TV show that every girl loved would translate to a huge hit movie that every girl wanted to see. Come to think of it, the same thing happened with “Borat”; everyone was shocked that the funniest show on TV translated into a really funny movie.

Who exactly did this surprise? My grandma? I find that hard to believe, cause my grandma is always up on the latest trends (she’s such a Carrie). So then the lesson here is simple: First off, don’t let your girlfriend trick you into seeing this movie, and secondly, if something is hugely popular as a TV show on a channel only 10% of people get, well, it’s probably going to be popular as a movie that anyone can go see. When “Curb Your Enthusiasm” becomes a hit movie, let’s all try to remain calm.

Liberals across America are annoyed at Fox News this week. Wait, no, that doesn’t sound right. I better double-check my source. Hmm, yep, apparently that’s right, liberals are annoyed at Fox News. Surprising.

Anyway, the reason people are upset is because, during its coverage of the 2008 Presidential Race, Fox News referred to Barack Obama’s wife Michelle as “Obama’s Baby Mama.”

You can watch the video here, but it’s really a waste of time because the reporter never even says the phrase. It’s the caption – pictured above – that is getting everyone fired up. I watched the whole 4-minute video before realizing the caption was even there, and lucky for me the anchor is pretty hot (she kinda looks like the chick from “Knocked Up”) otherwise that would’ve been the biggest waste of time ever. I mean, who wants to watch a news anchor and a blogger have a discussion? If I cared about that, I would have called that NY1 anchor back and agreed to do that piece on pedophilia. Wait, was that out loud? Shit.

People will decry the “Obama’s Baby Mama” caption as unprofessional and possibly even racist. But I took a few classes on the subject, and I have say, it’s actually solid journalism. You see, they teach aspiring writers about things like alliteration and clever word play, and it doesn’t get any more clever than “Obama’s Baby Mama.” Take a look at the repetition of letters and vowel sounds, and note the way the phrase really slides off the tongue. “Obama’s Baby Mama.” It’s fun to say. Try it. “Obama’s Baby Mama.” See, doesn’t that feel good? Yeah. You love it. Oh sure, Michelle Obama is an intelligent, independent woman, not the type of skank for whom the term “baby mama” is generally reserved. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from politics, it’s that you should just go along with what sounds good and not worry about stupid things like “meanings” and “facts.” Plus, I was listening to this Kanye West song, and from what I gathered, once Barack Obama wins the Presidency, he’s going to leave Michelle for a white girl, so, you know, she could become a “baby mama” yet. Fox News: Unprofessional, or visionary? Stay tuned.

My friend Ray works for one of the “big three” accounting firms (PriceWaterhouseCoopers), and was recently asked if he would appear in a recruiting brochure targeted toward recent college grads. The brochure will feature his picture along with some “words of wisdom” to the grads.

Because he didn’t want to represent himself with some boring clichéd quote, or maybe because he’s just lazy, Ray asked me to write the words of wisdom for him.

Here’s what I sent him:

“The key to succeeding in the real world is networking. And there’s no
better place to network than at happy hour. In fact, I got my job by
networking quite frequently. I think. I can’t really remember.”

“All of your classes are important, but you should especially pay attention in math. Great math skills are critical in the real world. 5/4 of people don’t understand that.”

“Just because your college days are coming to an end doesn’t mean your
education has to stop. Life is a constant pursuit of knowledge. For
example, yesterday I learned that I could shake the PWC vending machine and get free Snickers. I never knew that before.”

“Despite what you hear, I think you’ll find that the real world is actually a step up from college. First off, you can finally begin pursuing the dreams that you’ve had since childhood. Secondly, you can stop drinking Natty Light.”

And here are a couple more I just made up:

“If you thought picking up college girls was easy in college, you can’t imagine how easy it is once you have a good job like the ones here at PWC. All you have to do is flash an open wallet with $80 in it and the bitches will be all over you. Don’t get me wrong, the drunkenness still helps, but the job is key. And don’t worry about being able to find college girls in the real world. We have interns. Lots of them.”

“You probably think that sleeping until noon every day, partying 5 nights a week, and hanging out all day doing nothing is way better than working life will ever be. And you’re right. But unfortunately you don’t have a choice, so shut the hell up and get a job… at PWC!!”

It’s important that these kids have some guidance, don’t you think?