One thing I love about the news is how they always use lame pun headlines, no matter how important or serious the story.

As we all know, the big story for the next week — and probably the next few months — will be Barack Obama. I figured I would help out our nation’s media outlets by providing the following Barack-themed bad pun headlines, free of charge. After all, solid journalism is very important to me.

“Barack the Vote: Obama Encourages Young People to Vote”

“Barack Around the Clock: Obama Embarks on Non-Stop Campaign Tour”

“Plymouth Barack: Obama Campaign Visits Massachusetts”

“B-A-R-A-C-K in the U-S-A: Obama Returns to America After Canadian Visit”

“Baby You Barack My World: Obama Confirms His Love For Wife Michelle”

“Barack ‘N Roll High School: Obama Watches That Shitty High School Musical Video With His Daughters”

“Between a Barack and a Hard Place: Fox News Reporter Hit In Face By Rocks at Democratic National Convention”

“And the Cradle Will Barack: Obama Admits to Affair With White House Intern”

“Barack Out With Your Cock Out: Obama Supporters Arrested For Streaking”

“Barack-y 4: Obama to Fight Russian”

“You’s a Barack-Star Baby!: Obama Seen Doing Patron Shots With R. Kelly and Three Fourteen Year Old Girls”

“The Autistic Child Couldn’t Stop Barack-ing Back and Forth: Obama Pays Surprise Visit to Special Olympics”

“Barack-ing Horse: Check Out This Picture of Obama Next to Sarah Jessica Parker”

“Barack Hard: Obama Explains the Secret to Achieving Chiseled 6-Pack Abs”

“Barack and Roll is Dead!: Obama Assassinated”

Since I’m the All-American Guy (copyright 2003), I’ve obviously spent the bulk of my free time over the past week watching the Olympics. From the United States’ gymnastic performances to the Americans edging out the French in the swim relay, it’s been an exciting thrill ride.

However, one thing has disappointed me about the Olympics, besides the judges’ blatant favoritism of all China teams:

The synchronized diving.

Don’t get me wrong, I think synchronized diving is impressive. It’s exciting to watch two people become one, diving off a platform the equivalent of a 3-story building in unison. I couldn’t do a normal dive off the platform, let alone a double-twist-double-backflip. Honestly, if someone asked me to do a jackknife off the platform, I’d probably just curl up into the fetal position while crying and screaming “WHY COULDN’T I JUST DO ARCHERY?!?!?”

Here’s the thing about synchronized diving: It’s not fair to capitalists. The communist countries have a huge advantage. Just look at the teams that have dominated synchronized diving. China, Germany, Russia. Commie bastards, all of them. And of course they’ll have the edge. These people don’t just dive in unison, they live in unison. Every communist is like a gear in a giant machine; they’re used to having their actions being part of a larger synchronized movement. They’re used to having common goals. They’re used to moving together. Hell, communists are only one step above penguins. Meanwhile, the capitalist way of life is doing your own thing and kicking your mother in the head to get a nickel. We don’t work together, unless it’s part of a larger plan to eventually stab your alliance in the back (a la “Survivor”). How are we supposed to compete in synchronized diving? The event is second nature for the Communists. It’s like letting dolphins compete in the 400-meter freestyle. Now you might say that this is a tiny and inconsequential benefit to having their human rights violated on a massive scale, or that of the countries I mentioned, only China is truly Communist. But to that I would respond, “you’re just gonna let those fuckers have the gold? Maybe you’re a Communist too!” Then I’ll call up my friends in Congress and have you sent away on “vacation.”

If we’re going to just give these Commies a few free medals with synchronized diving, I think it’s only fair to add a few sports that capitalists can dominate. Something that requires capitalistic ideals like independent thought, artistic expression, free market and individualism. Like, I don’t know, an event where people run a quarter-marathon while writing a creative essay and convincing the crowd to give them money. And if an American doesn’t win the 10K Literary Panhandling Marathon in the 2012 Olympics, well then I’ll apologize and we can go back to the way it is.

(This obviously applies to synchronized swimming as well.)