My friend Ray works for one of the “big three” accounting firms (PriceWaterhouseCoopers), and was recently asked if he would appear in a recruiting brochure targeted toward recent college grads. The brochure will feature his picture along with some “words of wisdom” to the grads.

Because he didn’t want to represent himself with some boring clichéd quote, or maybe because he’s just lazy, Ray asked me to write the words of wisdom for him.

Here’s what I sent him:

“The key to succeeding in the real world is networking. And there’s no
better place to network than at happy hour. In fact, I got my job by
networking quite frequently. I think. I can’t really remember.”

“All of your classes are important, but you should especially pay attention in math. Great math skills are critical in the real world. 5/4 of people don’t understand that.”

“Just because your college days are coming to an end doesn’t mean your
education has to stop. Life is a constant pursuit of knowledge. For
example, yesterday I learned that I could shake the PWC vending machine and get free Snickers. I never knew that before.”

“Despite what you hear, I think you’ll find that the real world is actually a step up from college. First off, you can finally begin pursuing the dreams that you’ve had since childhood. Secondly, you can stop drinking Natty Light.”

And here are a couple more I just made up:

“If you thought picking up college girls was easy in college, you can’t imagine how easy it is once you have a good job like the ones here at PWC. All you have to do is flash an open wallet with $80 in it and the bitches will be all over you. Don’t get me wrong, the drunkenness still helps, but the job is key. And don’t worry about being able to find college girls in the real world. We have interns. Lots of them.”

“You probably think that sleeping until noon every day, partying 5 nights a week, and hanging out all day doing nothing is way better than working life will ever be. And you’re right. But unfortunately you don’t have a choice, so shut the hell up and get a job… at PWC!!”

It’s important that these kids have some guidance, don’t you think?