Money.  It’s what makes the world go round.  It’s the root of all evil.  It talks.

The reason there are so many clichés about money is because it’s one of the most talked-about topics on the planet.  Almost everyone needs money, almost everyone wants money, and absolutely everyone likes to discuss money.  Money is one of the foundations of society.

But you shouldn’t base your life around money.  Why?  Because if you do, you will eventually end up looking like these guys.  Yes, those guys in the picture above.  That picture was taken this morning on Wall Street, where the stock market made a record increase and might have just kicked off a comeback from one of the worst economic crises in history.

It’s a great thing for Wall Street and it’s a great thing for America.  But it’s not THAT great.  Check out the goofy smiles and the awkward thumbs ups.  They’re obviously screaming something too; I guarantee it involves the words “yeah” and “baby.”  Let’s cut to the chase:  They look like clowns.  Oh, that’s not a metaphor.  They actually look like circus clowns.

There are few situations in live where you’re allowed to be this over-the-top excited, and they are pretty much limited to:

-The birth of your first child
-Your son scores his first goal/touchdown/homerun/whatever to win the game
-Your daughter tells you she’s engaged to a doctor
-Your husband/wife awakes from a long coma, like in a Lifetime Movie
-You’re a Chicago Cubs fan and they finally win the World Series in 2037
-You attend a frat party and the hottest sorority on campus decides to have an impromptu wet t-shirt contest
-You get kicked in the face at a Slipknot concert and you need to let everyone know you’re alright
-Sarah Palin becomes President, your name is Todd Palin, and you just realized you’re about to have the greatest 4 years ever

That’s it.  And as you can see, none of those situations involve your portfolio having a tremendous day and slightly bouncing back from a massive previous downfall, thus leaving you still in the hole by a solid margin.

What you’re looking at are the smiles of two men who have based their entire life around money.  They’ve tied so much of their happiness to the accumulation of money that now they need money to experience even the slightest amount of joy.  I don’t care if I was living in a gutter somewhere, and out of nowhere some guy handed me a billion dollars, it still wouldn’t make me look like these guys.  Oh, I’d take his money, and I’d buy myself a yacht, and I’d hire a midget servant to pour Cristal over some naked strippers as a group of supermodels fanned me and fed me grapes.  But, and this I promise you, I would NEVER do the over-the-top smile combined with the awkward thumbs up while screaming “Yeah baby!”  Some things are more important than money, and not looking like a fucking clown is one of them.

[PS - Sorry the picture is so tiny.]

[PS 2 - What do you want to bet those guys in the picture are actually really great guys?]

As you already know, today is the 7th anniversary of 9/11.  Today you will be inundated by TV, radio and Internet stories reflecting on the tragedy.  You’ll hear plenty of tales of grief, as well as stories about the American spirit and overcoming tragedy.

9/11 is the worst thing to ever happen to our country.  However, there were a few small bright spots amongst the massive dark clouds.  We’re a country that believes in hope, so today, while you’re mourning the tragedy, I think it’s important to remember that a few positives did come out of 9/11.  Such as…

Our country started taking defense seriously

Before 9/11 you could sail a ship made of dynamite into any U.S. port and have 30 terrorists walk off carrying warheads and firing AK47s in the air while screaming in tongues, and no one would notice or care.  After 9/11 we wised up and locked down our ports.  We started looking after our bridges and tunnels, much to the delight of guidos from New Jersey who wanted to go clubbing in Manhattan on Saturday nights and totally couldn’t hook up cause “that bitch was ice cold.”  We tightened airport security and gave “random” searches to every suspicious looking person (tough break, foreigners!).  You can never be 100% safe but we’re better off than we were.

Hilarious country songs

Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You” is hands down the funniest song in the history of country music.  It would probably be the funniest song ever if not for “Popular” by Nada Surf.  Read the lyrics.  Aside from the fact that he’s exploiting a national tragedy to get a hit song, which is funny in a “you’re a terrible person” sort of way, it’s also some of the worst lyrics ever written.  The song won a bunch of accolades and received tons of airplay, but to quote Zoolander, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills, because the song sucks and the lyrics don’t make me feel patriotic or sympathetic in any way.  The dude says in the chorus that he doesn’t know the difference between Iraq and Iran!  I learned that shit in 2nd grade.  In the midst of the worst tragedy ever, apparently Alan Jackson’s internal struggle was over whether to buy a gun or watch “I Love Lucy” reruns.  It’s like he’s reading my mind!!  And of course there was Toby Keith threatening to put a boot up terrorist’s asses, which…  well…  honestly Toby, that’s gonna be worse for you than it is for them.

Boost for miniature American Flag industry

Many businesses suffered after 9/11, but whatever industry makes those little flags you put on the antenna of your car was not one of them.  Those things were everywhere.  Some call it the golden age of miniature American Flag making.  The yellow ribbon magnet industry was booming as well.

MTV played videos

No one wanted to do anything in the days following 9/11, which was understandable, but still, it made things pretty boring.  Like everyone, I watched the news and was fixated on The 9/11 Movie for a couple days.  But eventually you just couldn’t watch anymore.  It was too depressing, plus they had shown every possible video clip and discussed every possible piece of information over and over.  Everyone needed a change of pace.  Fortunately MTV decided to be cool and show old music videos for about 2 weeks following 9/11.  I got to see classics like Soundgarden and Nirvana, along with all kinds of rare stuff like Temple of the Dog and King Missile.  Pretty much all I did in the week following 9/11 was to skip class, watch MTV and drink heavily.  I mean, if I had that same week any other year, that would have been a great week.  MTV also made U2’s “Walk On” the unofficial anthem for 9/11.  “Walk On” was the best song off U2’s “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” album, but it had never gotten the publicity it deserved because of other hits like “Elevation.”  MTV also helped promote Bruce Springsteen’s “The Rising,” which is an inspiring tune and one of my favorites by The Boss.  This kind of stuff is obviously minor in the grand scheme of things, but don’t be fooled, little things like this do help people feel better during times of tragedy.

Acceptable to hate the Middle East

Let’s be honest, no one likes the Middle East.  There are some good people there but the region as a whole sucks.  They’re crazy conservative and they’re always fighting over piles of dirt.  It’s called tolerance because we tolerate their asses, even though we all think they’re annoying.  In the late 90s/early 00s, our country had gotten so PC it was ridiculous.  Unless you thought the world was a paradise made of rainbows and butterflies where everyone should hold hands and sing “Kumbaya,” you were a terrible person.  Then Drew Carey went on TV and called Arabs “towelheads” and Bill Maher rose to prominence with some non-PC remarks and the rest of the world followed suit and started saying what they really felt.  I’m not advocating prejudice or stereotypes against any one group, I’m just saying that people should be free to express themselves and not have to worry about sugarcoating everything, and that we should build a giant bubble-dome over the entire Middle East and let the people there fight each other until they’re all dead, then turn the region into a spring break resort.  That’s all I’m saying.

Ridiculously comical fear mongering

I was in college in Poughkeepsie (NY) during 9/11.  My school was very liberal.  In my first post-9/11 class, one of my professors said that we needed to be careful, because the terrorists could strike anywhere next, EVEN US!!!  Everyone in the class nodded in agreement, except me and my one friend, who gave each other a “you have to be kidding” glance.  Sure, terrorists could strike Poughkeepsie.  And a football team can start off a game with a quadruple-reverse flee-flicker halfback option pass.  That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.  Fear mongering was at an all-time high after 9/11, and people thought every U.S. city was a potential target.  But in reality, not every city was in danger.  And that’s one of the good things about 9/11.  It finally gave people a reason to appreciate living in Poughkeepsie, NY.

Hilarious catchphrases

I still can’t figure out if “These Colors Don’t Run” refers to the U.S.’s policy of standing up to terrorism, or if it’s a reference to laundry.  We may never know.

Respect for NYPD & NYFD

I like cops just slightly more than Ice Cube does, but the NYPD are the real deal.  While suburban police are ticketing people for rolling through stop signs and breaking up high school parties, members of the NYPD are putting their lives at risk every day to stop real crimes and make New York the greatest city on Earth.  The fact that New York has 7 million people in such a tiny area, and is still one of the safest major cities in the country, is a true testament to the fine work of the NYPD.  And in my experience, no police force is better at keeping order while not harassing or trying to intimidate citizens.  The NYFD is exceptional as well.  Kudos to both of them.

The way people finally came together

I believe that people are genuinely good at heart (with the exception of murderers, rapists and that ilk).  I think the reason people act poorly is because they become isolated from society at large and don’t have to deal with negative consequences of their actions.  That’s why people are so much more vindictive online, where everything is anonymous, or why rich businessmen, who are allowed to get away with anything, often commit the worst acts.  Meanwhile, people who live in a more interactive society, like a small Midwestern town for example, are much nicer.  They know they’ll be held accountable for their actions, but they also genuinely care about their neighbors and friends.  After 9/11, the entire country became a small town community.  Everyone was nice.  Everyone was patient.  We all cared about each other and worked with each other and did what we could to help one another.  We loved each other.  Our old me-first way of thinking disappeared.  Everything changed.  The worst tragedy in our country’s history brought out the best in its citizens.

At least it did for like a month, until we all reverted back to our old ways and started shoving old ladies out of the way to get into the Old Country Buffet before 5PM so we could pay the lunchtime rate.  Hey, I’m sorry, but fuck that bitch, I was here first.

Never forget.

So this is going to sound really gay, but while surfing the web the other day, I stumbled upon an article from Cosmo Online titled “Summer Looks Guys Will Go Gaga For.” The funniest thing about women’s magazines, by far, is how they always have articles about things guys like… except it’s obvious no guys were consulted for these articles.

Let’s go through the list of “Summer Looks Guys Will Go Gaga For,” and I’ll show you exactly what I’m talking about.

1) Sparkly Lids

What the fuck is that? - This is when girls do their eyelids with “a neutral peach, beige, or taupe base and are flecked with gold or silver glimmer,” according to makeup artist Eric Polito, who I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess isn’t a big fan of vagina.

Why would any guy care? - According to the article, “sparkling eyes communicate a sparkling personality.”

You’re joking, right? - You know what communicates a sparkling personality? A sparkling personality. Apparently according to women’s magazines, Eva Braun could come back to life and slap on some glitter eyeliner and I’d instantly want to do her. “You say you dated Hitler and assisted in his plan to eliminate an entire religion and form a master race? Wow, you sound like a real wild child! Come here, baby, tell me more!”

2) Coral Cheeks

What the fuck is that? - Orange blush around the cheeks is “fire on the red carpet” according to Cosmo. I for one don’t think “fire on the red carpet” sounds particularly sexy. I once hooked up with a girl who had that going on and let me tell you, the repeated doctors trips were not worth the one night of ecstasy.

Why would any guy care? - Allegedly, “men interpret being flushed (in any color) as a green light.”

You’re joking, right? - You see, Your Honor, I told you that chick was asking for it! Now can I please get my sentence reduced? No? Aww, come on man, she was wearing orange blush! Orange!!

3) Baby Fine Highlights

What the fuck is that? - “Dainty, bright streaks” in a girl’s hair.

Why would any guy care? - It makes girls seem youthful.

You’re joking, right? - I don’t really want to associate babies with sexiness. Babies can’t talk, they’re always spitting up on themselves, they’re a mess. Granted, a lot of the girls I bring home are like that too, but at least they have their wisdom teeth. I’ve got a certain portion of my brain reserved for sexiness, and I don’t want babies clogging up that space. It’s only like 47% of my brain. There’s no room to spare.

4) Subtly Sun-Kissed Skin

What the fuck is that? - Ignore the clever alliteration; this is basically another term for “tan.”

Why would any guy care? - It shows a girl is active, healthy and enjoys doing things outdoors.

You’re joking, right? - Actually, I’ll give them this. Everyone looks hotter when they’re tan. Unless of course you do the fake-n-bake and turn orange, then you usually end up looking like some sort of goblin, like a reject Batman villain. I don’t know why girls think that orange look is hot. I used to go to school with one girl who fake tanned so often, that when she took a weeklong vacation to Florida one year, she actually came back whiter than when she left. It was as funny as it sounds.

I don’t mean to pick on Cosmo or any other women’s magazine here. OK, maybe I do. But my point is, I have a lot of close female friends, so it pains me to see this kind of superficial advice in every magazine. I wish women could be confident with themselves, realize true beauty comes from within, and not worry about stupid things like make-up and hair.

Nah, I’m just kidding. I’m all about superficiality. I just wish they’d give more useful tips. Orange blush? Come on. No guy has ever talked about a girl with his buddies and said, “you know, I wasn’t sure about Jenny, but her coral cheeks really won me over!”

Whatever. Hot chicks are hot. If you put a hot chick in a miniskirt, she looks great, but if you kill a deer and wrap that same hot chick in deer carcass, she’s still going to look pretty solid. Meanwhile you can put an ugly girl in a million dollar designer dress and, while she might look better than before, there’s still a ceiling. If you gave me a choice of dating an ugly girl dressed in the most expensive clothes and make-up in the world, or Megan Fox wrapped in cow entrails, well, not only will I choose Fox, but I’ll try to make hot dogs out of her dress for dinner. I love hot dogs, so it’s a win-win. I’m not saying you should give in to materialism and make beauty the most important thing in your life. I mean I won’t judge you if you do, but, umm, yeah, wait, I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, the best way to improve your looks and improve your chances of landing a great guy is to make yourself hotter. I’m sure that sounds pretty sexist, but hey, not everyone loved Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech at first either. So there you go. Everyone, try to look like Megan Fox. Oh yeah, and I guess respect yourself. Or something. Also, wear boy shorts as often as possible, cause those look really good.

(I’m aware you could give similar advice to guys, but seriously, who gives a fuck about them?)

I just read the most ridiculous story from the AP, and thought to myself, “I can’t believe anyone would do that.” Then I remembered this is America in 2008 and thought, “oh yeah, I’m surprised no one has tried that before.”

Let’s talk about it. A woman posted an ad on eBay, offering both her house and her hand in marriage as a package deal. Some guy agrees to buy her house, and he gets to marry her. It’s the perfect deal for a guy who wants love and a new place, right?

What makes this unbelievable is not that someone would try it (refer to paragraph 1). What’s truly amazing is how much of a rip-off this deal is. First off, the house is worth a little over $300,000, but the woman’s asking price is $500,000. So she’s looking to make quite a profit off the “love” portion of the deal. Come on lady, that’s lame. I mean, even J. Lo says her love don’t cost a thing. We all know it’s a lie, but the point is, you could at least fake it. Secondly, everyone knows this is a scam, right? Some guy is going to buy this house, then she’ll date him for like three weeks before saying that she doesn’t feel a connection, and that she’s terribly sorry for all the hardships she’s caused him throughout this ordeal, and that if he could just leave the check for the house on the dresser on his way out, that would be great. And she’ll miraculously have the world’s first ever three-week long period, so the guy won’t even get any action. Also, she’s a 42-year old divorced single mother. Which is fine, except it’s not exactly the type of resume that usually gets you a $500,000 signing bonus.

These are my favorite quotes from the story:

“I’m struggling… I don’t want to lose my house and I want to find somebody,” said Trabosh, who changed her name in the ad to Traboscia to keep people from finding her in the phone book. “So I came up with this dream plan because I’ve always dreamt about being a fairytale princess.”

“I’m not selling myself. I’m selling love”

Right. You have to love the media. The AP mentions how the woman didn’t want her name revealed, and yet reveals her name anyways. The fairytale princess thing is a reference to the title of her eBay post, which was — try not to laugh — “Marry a Princess Lost in America.” Hahahahahahaha. Oh sorry, I guess I couldn’t contain the laughter. I haven’t seen all the Disney movies, but I’m pretty sure there’s not one where Prince Charming comes from his castle on a white horse and lays down $500 G’s to marry a single mom in her 40’s and buy a South Florida condo. I’m sure there’s someone out there who is perfect for this woman, and I’m sure the house is lovely, but there has to be a better way of going about this.

Does anyone care about integrity anymore, or has the Internet made it so we all just do whatever we can to get noticed? I’ve spent the past couple years working on the Internet, and getting to know the in’s and out’s of the online business, and it’s incredible what some people will do to get attention (both individuals and businesses). Call me old-fashioned, but I’ve always thought it’s better to be a big fish in a little pond than to be a medium-sized fish in an ocean where companies have been dumping toxic waste for years and all the fish have six eyes and an arm growing out of their tail. You know what? Fuck it… I might as well jump on board. So here’s announcing, right now, the “Tom Z Ultra-Exclusive Super Special Package Deal.” For just $150,000, I will give you the rights to TakeThisSeriously.com and all of its back content with full resale rights, along with a Shoutmouth.com t-shirt, size L. Also, I will come to your house with a bottle of Yellowtail and watch a movie with you on a night of your choice. You might get a drunken hook-up out of the deal, but no promises, I’ll have to check you out first and make sure you’re a 6.5 or better. That’s the “Tom Z Ultra-Exclusive Super Special Package Deal”… just sign up below in the comments section.

[*Shirt size non-negotiable. Deal excludes weekends or holidays. Applicants not living in the tri-state area will also cover transportation costs for Tom Z’s trip to their house. Yellowtail will be provided free of charge. Movie choice is up to the applicant, but may not be anything starring Meryl Streep or Ryan Gosling. Attractive women preferred, and for God’s sake, no dudes.]