In the mid-90s, an East Coast vs. West Coast feud developed in rap music, focusing mainly around Tupac (from California) and Notorious BIG (from New York). The feud started with verbal sparring, then evolved into shootings, then into diss tracks, and finally the death of both rappers.
Only in rap would diss tracks be considered worse than shootings, but whatever, the point is that this feud defined rap music in the 90s. Unfortunately other rappers took notice of the popularity Tupac and Biggie gained during their feud. Though feuding did decline somewhat, a number of up-and-coming rappers began adopting a gangsta attitude and creating their own feuds so as to emulate the success of Biggie and Pac.
There has never been another feud quite like the East Coast-West Coast feud in rap music. Oh sure, VH1’s “Top Feuds” countdown show will tell you that Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff’s catfight over the love of Aaron Carter was worse, but I disagree. Call me a feuding purist, but when guys get killed in drive-bys, I consider that worse than two skanks fighting over a white boy band rapper. What can I say, I’m old fashioned like that. Oh by the way, I’m not making this up, VH1 really did call Lohan-Duff a worse feud than Biggie-Pac. But that’s irrelevant.
The reason I bring this up is because I believe we are headed toward another massive feud involving prominent figures in the media world. Only this time, it’s going to be an all-out, verbally sparring, diss track making, blood-shedding, East Coast-West Coast feud… between journalists.
Oh yes, journalists are the new gangsta rappers.
There used to be a time when being a journalist meant checking with multiple sources and reporting facts in an unbiased manner. Those days are over. Newspapers are cutting staff and traditional journalism is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. However, despite what some people might tell you, journalism is not going to die. There will always be a demand for news. In fact, I would argue people these days have a more insatiable appetite for news than ever. In the age of the Internet, when everything is old after 24 hours, we need new news and we need it more than ever. Blogs can be interesting, but most of them just take a story from a more traditional news outlet and then put their spin on it or make stupid jokes. You still need journalism. After all, you can’t write a blog post about Barack Obama gaining in the polls and gettin’ ready to leave Michelle for a white girl if someone doesn’t first report on Barack gaining in the polls.
On the other hand, people don’t want journalistic integrity. They say they do, but their actions don’t reflect it. People just want someone to tell them what they already believe. Look at the news shows that have gained popularity in recent years: The Daily Show, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Maher, Hannity & Combs, etc etc. All these shows do is take news and frame it in a way where it perfectly matches their audience’s worldview. You technically get the news, but mostly you’re just being entertained or listening to someone you agree with.
So here’s what the field of journalism is coming to: Reporters that are half traditional journalist and half opinionated blogger. They go out and do the research and find out the facts, then spin those facts to appease their audience while making a bunch of jokes about Britney Spears and Kegel exercises. They’re half Bob Woodward and half Jon Stewart. Half journalist and half blogger.
And that’s how the bloodshed begins. I don’t know if you know this, but bloggers are some of the cockiest people on Earth. They think they’re part of some awesome movement, they think they’re single-handedly responsible for killing the newspaper industry, they think that every time they call Ted Stevens a douchebag they are literally performing the most important act ever, and that yet, despite all of this, they still think they are vastly under appreciated. And here’s the thing: Bloggers don’t actually do anything. Trust me, it used to be my job. It’s a joke. You set up an RSS feed for all the major news sites, then every day when you get to work at 10:30AM, you scan through the list to see if anything is conducive to dick joke making. Then you write a couple posts in between watching every new music video on YouTube and claiming it’s for “research.” That’s your job.
So if bloggers think they’re so great now, wait until they’re actually reporting on something. Wait until they are doing the legwork and discovering the facts and breaking exclusive stories. The hubris will be off the charts. Not to mention these new journalist/bloggers are gaining more mainstream attention by the day. Soon blogger ego will be equivalent to Tupac ego in 1996. And since we know that bloggers love to rip everything to shreds, and nothing is off-limits, including other bloggers, it’s only a matter of time until one of these new age journalists says something over the line and begins a feud with another journalist. It might even start with something innocent. Journalist A, of the L.A. Times, questions one of Journalist B’s articles in the Washington Post. Journalist B gets pissed and writes in his online blog that Journalist A sucks and has no business questioning him. Journalist A releases a podcast saying that Journalist B isn’t even on his level, and then Journalist B responds with a magnus opus in the Sunday paper titled “Journalist A is an Incompetent Reporter, and That’s Why I Fucked His Bitch.” This causes Journalist A to unleash a cryptic viral video that’s just a picture of a Glock with gunshot noises and the words “You Done Fucked Up Now, Mothafucka.” Next thing you know, Journalist A is found dead, covered in screenshot print-outs of his original article, Journalist B goes missing, only to have pictures of his bloody corpse surface on a social networking website 3 days later, and we’re engaged in a full-scale East Coast-West Coast journalism feud. Reporters from the New York Times refuse to travel to California to cover stories, and employees of the Oakland Tribune know not to cross the Mississippi. Reporters in Houston are forced to pick sides and staffs are divided, brother against brother. Editors at the Portland Oregonian start to publish pre-emptive obituaries for editors at the Raleigh News & Observer, and vice versa. Deaths within the journalism world skyrocket as parents blame reporting for their kids’ problems, while talking about the good old days when newspapers used to talk about something real instead of just bragging about guns, cars and bitches.
My point is, all you kids out there who are just entering college, you might want to consider a career in accounting. New age media ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.
I don’t know if you pay close attention to NASA and our country’s space program. If not, you should be, because space exploration is one of the most intriguing and relevant topics facing our society today.
I’m just kidding. Outer space sucks. It’s nothing but a bunch of blackness, flying rocks and flashing lights. If you want to see that, you… well we all know there’s a Source Awards joke coming here so let’s just move on…
I stumbled across an article recently that claimed scientists are close to discovering Earth’s “twin planets.” According to legend, there are a few yet-to-be-discovered planets in the galaxy that closely resemble Earth in terms of atmospheric properties and proximity to stars. Not sure why they’re called “twins” if there’s a bunch of them, but whatever. The point is, this news brings us one step closer to discovering alien life, every NASA employee’s wet dream.
Everyone thinks the discovery of aliens is going to be so awesome. We’ve seen so many movies like ET and Independence Day, we assume discovering aliens will lead to either hyper intelligent beings helping us to advance or own society, or an interstellar war for domination of the galaxy. We think aliens will show us amazing new technology or use amazing new technology to blow us up. Either way, we think that’s cool.
I don’t doubt that there could be life on other planets. I’m not saying it’s definite, but it’s possible. Given the vastness of the universe and the fact that all planets essentially formed in the same manner — rocks crashing together — it’s highly possible that somewhere out there, some planets have an atmosphere that will sustain life. They’ve found water on one of Saturn’s moons, so there could be aquatic life (or maybe it was Jupiter; who gives a fuck?). Aliens could definitely exist.
However, I think we have seriously underestimated the odds of those aliens sucking. We search for life on other planets, but we don’t consider the possibly that maybe we don’t want to meet whatever’s out there. Aliens could be annoying. They could be dicks that try to attack us. They could see Earthlings, and believe that we’re the evil aliens, and attack us in self-defense.
Most likely, they’ll just be boring. There’s a very good chance that aliens aren’t as advanced as humans. Maybe they’re primitive creatures that can’t communicate. We’d essentially be traveling 50,000 light years to find a groundhog. Even if aliens are as advanced as, more advanced than, or exactly like humans, they’re not gonna speak English. Best case scenario, they’ll communicate through a series of clicks, like those African tribes. Then we’ll have to take 30 more years to fly an African click language translator over to galaxy XQ78, star 3B, planet 14. In reality, if aliens do communicate, they’ll probably have some method of communication that we could never possibly understand. Like maybe in alien culture, blinking seven times in rapid succession means “go to the bathroom before we head over to Uncle Steve’s house.” Or maybe waving hello and reaching for a handshake is their international sign for “I come to destroy your culture, you worthless fucks.” I don’t know why we expect to walk right up to aliens and start talking about their life. Communicating with aliens is going to be like talking to a coyote or a tennis ball.
Furthermore, evolution is such a crazy process that no other planet could possibly have undergone the same exact pattern as Earth. So likely these alien forms aren’t even something we could try communicating with. Hell, we might not even realize they’re alive. Keep in mind, plants are living things. If an alien came to Earth, would he try talking to a tree? No, he’d just assume it was no different than a rock. In fact he’d probably think, “look at that tall rock with leaves on it!” He’d say that sentence in his alien language, but you get the point. What if alien “life” is like a plant? What if aliens are blobs of gel that slither around at .01 MPH? What if aliens are the exact same as clock radios, only they have a spleen instead of an AM/FM switch? I’m telling you, it’s gonna suck when we cross the entire galaxy and spend $50 billion to find a clock radio that performs photosynthesis.
Let’s assume we’re going to find aliens one day. The odds of there being unfathomable and unbreakable communication barriers between us and them, or no communication at all, thus rendering our discovery worthless, is 92%. The odds of an intergalactic war is 7%. The odds of them being really cool and telling us how to fix Earth’s problems is 0.00000001%. The remaining odds say they’ll be pretty decent, but have a few annoying quirks, like telling the same stories over and over and never getting to the stuff about laser beam technology.
Now, scientists are going to tell you that we can study and learn from alien life, regardless of what that life is. Don’t believe the hype. We’ve studied dolphins for like 30 years, and what have we learned? Nothing. Oh sure, we figured out that they communicate through some kind of sonar or sonic booms or whatever, but nothing we’ve learned is applicable to life in any way. It’s like my grandfather used to say, “Ain’t no dolphin gonna pay my electric bill.” My grandfather was an illiterate man, but his message was clear. We’re spending millions of dollars on our space program when the average American can’t afford their mortgage. And for what? To discover aliens who are going to inevitably suck? Screw that. Aliens are assholes. Oh, you might meet an alien, but then you give them your phone number and they never call.
1984 is one of the most famous novels ever written. It’s one of those books you don’t even have to read, because it has been referenced so often in print and TV that we all already know the entire novel. The book, written by George Orwell in the 1940s, portrays a future dystopia in which the government controls every aspect of life. History is edited to the government’s liking, citizens are inundated with propaganda, and everyone is under surveillance all of the time.
It’s now 2008, and it’s safe to say that Orwell’s vision hasn’t yet come true. You could argue that the seeds of 1984’s prophecy have been planted, and that Big Brother is prevalent (and not just in the form of a shitty reality show). That’s debatable. It’s also very safe to say that 1984 was an arbitrary date, and that Orwell was depicting a future that could still happen at any point. That’s less debatable. If there’s one problem that all depictions of the future share, it’s that they always pick a time in the too near present. If you don’t believe me, ask yourself this: Where are the hoverboards? That’s right, we were supposed to have that shit, like, eight years ago. I haven’t forgotten about that, Michael J. Fox, now give me my goddamn hoverboard.
I understand what Orwell was doing. A book called 2372 wouldn’t have instilled the same fear in people as 1984. Orwell knew the deal. But at the same time, the whole world doesn’t change in 40 years. Unless of course you live in the Middle East. Cause, you know, they always get new music 10 years late, and that means that Britney Spears and boy bands are about to sweep the region. Watch out, Middle East, shit’s about to go down.
Here’s the thing about 1984: I think it’s slowly happening. I think that by 2084, we could see a reality that’s very similar to Orwell’s vision.
BUT…
I don’t blame the government. I don’t think some secret society is trying to change history or keep us down. I don’t think some ultimate leader is sitting in front of a TV screen, controlling our futures, Matrix-style.
I think we’re doing it to ourselves.
How much of your personal information is on Facebook? MySpace? Twitter, Instant Messenger, chat rooms, blogs, etc etc? How many embarrassing pictures of you are there online? Every day, employers are looking up potential employees on Google and social media sites and disqualifying them based on what they find. Every day, people are searching for information on potential boyfriends/girlfriends and disqualifying them based on lists of their interests and favorite movies, or messages that they received from other guys/girls. Cell phones and Sidekicks are easily hacked. Even Sarah Palin’s private email was made public. So much of our daily communication is available to anyone with a computer. You can find something incriminating on anyone, if you really want to. And if not, then hey, just Photoshop something.
With Google Maps, you can get a glimpse of your own house from space. How long until Google Bedroom allows you to get a satellite view into the room of your favorite cheerleader? How long until Google Upskirt lets you sneak a peek at some young Madison Avenue professionals on their lunch hour? How long until Google Package gives you a look at the football team’s shower sessions, you pervert? How long until people wear electronic rings that automatically upload their every movement onto StalkMe.com? Don’t tell me these things wouldn’t be popular. And don’t tell me moral obligations would prevent someone out there from capturing a good business opportunity.
What about fashion? If you have a corporate job, there’s only so much leeway you have as far as your wardrobe. And have you been out to a bar lately? Everyone either wears A) jeans and a striped shirt, or B) a Vinnie Chase-style fashionable tight long sleeve or t-shirt. Frat guys all look the same (cargo shorts, t-shirt, baseball hat). Hipsters all look the same (thrift store clothing, hours put into making it look like they don’t care). Emo kids all look the same (black clothing, weird makeup, cuts on the wrists). Parents all look the same (and they just don’t understand). Now I’m not criticizing; It’s just that, when you consider that most of the country has only a few clothing stores to pick from, everyone’s going to end up looking the same. You’re an Old Navy guy or a Hot Topic chick, and there’s no other choice.
What about beliefs? Every day the number of extreme personalities seems to grow, while the number of people who consider various viewpoints declines. Democrats get their news from the Daily Show and never consider that maybe abortion might possibly be wrong. Republicans get their news from Bill O’Reilly and never consider that maybe gay people deserve to be married. Christians read those Revelations books and rest assured that God is coming back soon to save them from this heathen world. Kids who want to seem cool and intelligent bash Nickelback, ignoring the fact that they sound like every other “cool” and “intelligent” kid (and ignoring the fact that, while “Photograph” may be the worst song of the decade, “Breathe” and “Saving Me” are pretty decent). Everyone thinks that “Arrested Development” was the best TV show ever and that wearing a popped collar makes you a douchebag (the latter may be true, but the former is certainly up for debate). Everyone has an opinion, except those opinions are all the same.
We’re a long, long way from the dystopia of 1984. But the bottom line is, technology is advancing at an incredible rate, voyeurism is spiraling out of control and the general public piggybacks off of the opinions of a select few. The evidence points to a world where our entire lives are on display for the world to see. It points to a world where we know everything about everyone, even if we don’t care. It points to a world where people will be disqualified from jobs due to any slight imperfection, and average people will go to extreme lengths to avoid standing out from the crowd in any way. Those who do stand out will be ridiculed and called douchebags. It points to a world where we all watch reality TV, and then we all complain about how much we hate it. It points to a world where politicians and TV personalities re-write history, and then turn on the applause sign to the delight of their faithful followers. It points to a world where we applaud the amazing rate at which our society is advancing, and yet I still don’t have a goddamn hoverboard.
To many people, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama represents an incredible step forward for this country. It’s not only that he’s the first African-American to ever gain the Presidential nomination; it’s his visionary ideas and the way he attempts to bring a forward-thinking agenda into our nation’s traditionally conservative and unchanging capital. Barack Obama represents a whole new way of thinking.
Or so people think.
I, on the other hand, do not consider Barack Obama’s ideas to be visionary. Sure, he has some good ideas for America, but they’ve been said before. Specifically, they were said in the 90s, by Tupac Shakur, in a song called “Changes.”
“Changes” was recorded sometime in the early-to-mid-1990s, but wasn’t released until 1998, after 2Pac had already passed on (or faked his own death, depending on your perspective). It was famously featured on Tupac’s Greatest Hits album, unarguably the greatest rap CD ever released. “Changes” calls for sweeping change in America, citing many of our nation’s problems that could be eliminated with a new collective mindset. And it sounds eerily familiar to the ideas of one Barack Obama. In fact, you might even go as far as to say Obama stole his entire campaign from “Changes.” Don’t believe me? Let’s analyze some of Obama’s positions against lyrics from “Changes.” It’s Barack vs. Pac…
Barack says:
Obama believes that the rich are currently running our country, looking out for their own interests while the poor are hung out to dry. He believes this class structure is responsible for many of America’s problems.
Pac said:
I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself
Is life worth living, should I blast myself?
I’m tired of bein’ poor & even worse I’m black
My stomach hurts so I’m lookin’ for a purse to snatch
Barack says:
Obama has stressed multiple times in his campaign that both parties need to overcome their differences and work together. Party politics are destroying Washington and the nation. Obama believes that it is time for everyone to metaphorically reach across the aisle, because the only way America can progress is if we all swallow our pride and work together.
Pac said:
I got love for my brother
But we can never go nowhere unless we share with each other
We gotta start makin’ changes
Learn to see me as a brother instead of 2 distant strangers
Barack says:
John McCain and the Republican Party constantly talk about traditional values and getting this country back to a time when things were better. Obama bashes the Republicans for spreading propaganda about a nostalgic “golden age” that never actually existed. Obama believes in progressing as a nation rather than trying to go backwards.
Pac said:
I’d love to go back to when we played as kids
But things change, that’s the way it is
Barack says:
Obama bashes McCain for being out of touch with the common man. He says that McCain’s wealth and his 26 years in Washington have put him in a state of mind where he cannot understand the average American’s struggles. On the other hand, Obama came from a difficult background, worked in inner cities and feels a strong connection with Americans, especially those in impoverished areas. In other words, he’s an outsider.
Pac said:
Yes I am gonna say that I’m a thug
That’s because I came from the gutter
And I’m still here!!
Barack says:
Obama stresses the importance of ignoring cultural differences and working together. We all remember Obama’s famous line about how “this isn’t black America or white America, it’s the United States of America!”
Pac said:
Take the evil out the people they’ll be acting right
’cause both black and white is smokin’ crack tonight
Barack says:
Obama is hypercritical of the Republican party for accepting money from big business, especially the oil companies. He preaches integrity and not kowtowing to the almighty dollar.
Pac said:
You gotta operate the easy way
“I made a G today”
But you made it in a sleazy way
Sellin’ crack to the kids.
“I gotta get paid”
Well hey, well that’s the way it is
Barack says:
Obama tells us that true change requires a major commitment. He says we have to completely overhaul Washington. He refers to John McCain as “more of the same” — a reference to McCain’s alliances with Bush — and demands that we chose a totally new direction for America.
Pac said:
It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live
And let’s change the way we treat each other
You see the old way wasn’t working so it’s on us to do
What we gotta do to survive
Barack says:
Obama opposes the Iraq War, stating that it is distracting from some of our country’s other, more important objectives.
Pac said:
And still I see no changes can’t a brother get a little peace
It’s war on the streets & the war in the Middle East
Instead of war on poverty
They got a war on drugs so the police can bother me
Barack says:
Despite his penchant for helping the lower class, Obama constantly preaches personal responsibility.
Pac said:
Don’t let ‘em jack you up, back you up,
Crack you up and pimp smack you up
You gotta learn to hold ya own
They get jealous when they see ya wit cha mobile phone
Barack says:
Obama was raised by a single mother, who taught him to shoot for the stars and gave him an incredible work ethic. Everything he does, he credits to his mother’s strength and parenting.
Pac said:
Tell the cops they can’t touch this
I don’t trust this
When they try to rush I bust this
That’s the sound of my tool
You say it ain’t cool
My mama didn’t raise no fool
As you can see, Barack Obama and Tupac Shakur are basically the same person. If you vote for Obama this November, you are essentially voting Pac into office. I don’t know if that hurts or strengthens Obama’s case. Ah who am I kidding? It definitely strengthens his case. Tupac was the best. So there you have it people. Vote Pac, I mean Barack, in 2008. You see, the old way isn’t working, so it’s on us to do what we gotta do to survive. It’s time to start makin’ changes.
Since I’m the All-American Guy (copyright 2003), I’ve obviously spent the bulk of my free time over the past week watching the Olympics. From the United States’ gymnastic performances to the Americans edging out the French in the swim relay, it’s been an exciting thrill ride.
However, one thing has disappointed me about the Olympics, besides the judges’ blatant favoritism of all China teams:
The synchronized diving.
Don’t get me wrong, I think synchronized diving is impressive. It’s exciting to watch two people become one, diving off a platform the equivalent of a 3-story building in unison. I couldn’t do a normal dive off the platform, let alone a double-twist-double-backflip. Honestly, if someone asked me to do a jackknife off the platform, I’d probably just curl up into the fetal position while crying and screaming “WHY COULDN’T I JUST DO ARCHERY?!?!?”
Here’s the thing about synchronized diving: It’s not fair to capitalists. The communist countries have a huge advantage. Just look at the teams that have dominated synchronized diving. China, Germany, Russia. Commie bastards, all of them. And of course they’ll have the edge. These people don’t just dive in unison, they live in unison. Every communist is like a gear in a giant machine; they’re used to having their actions being part of a larger synchronized movement. They’re used to having common goals. They’re used to moving together. Hell, communists are only one step above penguins. Meanwhile, the capitalist way of life is doing your own thing and kicking your mother in the head to get a nickel. We don’t work together, unless it’s part of a larger plan to eventually stab your alliance in the back (a la “Survivor”). How are we supposed to compete in synchronized diving? The event is second nature for the Communists. It’s like letting dolphins compete in the 400-meter freestyle. Now you might say that this is a tiny and inconsequential benefit to having their human rights violated on a massive scale, or that of the countries I mentioned, only China is truly Communist. But to that I would respond, “you’re just gonna let those fuckers have the gold? Maybe you’re a Communist too!” Then I’ll call up my friends in Congress and have you sent away on “vacation.”
If we’re going to just give these Commies a few free medals with synchronized diving, I think it’s only fair to add a few sports that capitalists can dominate. Something that requires capitalistic ideals like independent thought, artistic expression, free market and individualism. Like, I don’t know, an event where people run a quarter-marathon while writing a creative essay and convincing the crowd to give them money. And if an American doesn’t win the 10K Literary Panhandling Marathon in the 2012 Olympics, well then I’ll apologize and we can go back to the way it is.
(This obviously applies to synchronized swimming as well.)
The 2008 Presidential Election is one of the most highly anticipated elections ever. Certainly it’s the biggest election of our lifetimes (“our” meaning young people).
Over the next few months, as the election draws nearer and nearer, you’re going to hear a lot of talk about how important voting is. I’m sure you’re familiar with past campaigns such as “Vote or Die,” “Choose or Lose,” “Rock the Vote,” etc, that tried to encourage and inspire people to go out and vote. This year will be no different. In fact, I would anticipate that in the coming months we’ll see the most intense and far-reaching voter registration campaigns this country has ever seen. You’ll be inundated with information about the importance of voting, and how voting is one of your civic duties.
I’m here to offer a slightly different take:
Don’t vote.
Seriously.
Now before you jump to conclusions or start screaming about how it’s our duty as an American to vote, hear me out…
Voting is an incredibly important responsibility. The Presidents we elect not only must rule this country, but they become de facto leaders for the entire world. Furthermore, the person we elect this coming November may face a more difficult predicament than any President in history. We live in a time of economic and social crisis. It’s an age of terrorism and war, where the reputation of the U.S. is constantly slipping downward. There has never been a more important election than this. And since living in a Democracy means that people choose the leader, that means all the power lies with you. Voting is a huge responsibility.
You’re not worthy of that responsibility.
Why? Because you’re an idiot.
Now don’t take that personally. I don’t mean you’re Corky from “Life Goes On” retarded or anything. I just mean that you lack the necessary information to cast an intelligent vote. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you have all the facts, and you’re ready to get out and rock the vote this November. If so, hey, congratulations. You’re part of a vast, vast minority in this country that knows what they’re doing. The U.S. has about 300 million citizens, and of those, 16 are qualified to vote. Alright, so I made that number up, but seriously, it’s really low. Even if it’s half (150 million), which I think is extremely generous, that means there are a ton of unqualified people out there tainting the voting pool every election.
Each election, a lot of Americans don’t vote.
And that, my friends, is a good thing.
I have a friend, who shall remain nameless. The other day she told me she was originally planning to vote for Barack Obama, but since he has worn a few ugly ties recently, she’s thinking of changing her vote. This is a girl who is basing her upcoming vote on a candidate’s choice of ties. Her vote counts exactly the same as yours.
A few years ago, Britney Spears gave an interview in which she said, “I love seeing my fans overseas, especially in Canada.” Britney Spears gets to vote this November, and her vote will count exactly the same amount as every other American’s. James Carville is a political mastermind who might know more about politics than anyone on Earth, but his vote will count exactly the same as Britney Spears’.
I once heard a story of someone voting for John Kerry because Ben Affleck said to. I know someone who said they’ll always vote Republican regardless of candidate because they’re anti-abortion, and when I asked them if they’d still vote Republican even if Hitler were running for the party, they just shrugged and said “I don’t know.”
We’re going out of our way to get these people to vote?
I know what you’re thinking: These are extreme examples, and these people are idiots. That’s where you’re wrong. All of the people mentioned in the previous examples are normal people of average to above-average intelligence. Well, except for Britney Spears. But still, you think you’re better or smarter than them. Maybe, but most people aren’t. Two-thirds of people can’t find Iraq on a map; 33% can’t find Louisiana. There are people that don’t even know who the current President is. OK, so we all know there are some true idiots out there, and you’re light years beyond them… but how much do you really know about the election? Can you tell me where Barack Obama stands on various issues without looking it up on Google? Can you name 4 things that John McCain wants to accomplish if he’s elected? Can you tell me your stance on anything without copying something you heard on “The Daily Show” or “Fox News?”
I don’t think you can. Well, maybe YOU can, because if you read this website you’re obviously really smart, but can everyone in this country really be trusted with a vote?
The upcoming election involves many important issues. All of these issues require a complex examination. There are no easy answers. Solutions vary from week to week as the world changes and new circumstances arise. To understand politics requires not only a certain initial mental capacity; it requires that you pay constant attention as well.
Based on the news lately, here are some thing your average citizen is concerned about when it comes to the ’08 election: John McCain’s age, something Barack Obama’s minister once said, some quote Obama’s wife said awhile back, whether McCain’s wife was addicted to pills… the list of pseudo-issues goes on.
Some of that stuff might matter a little, but the point is this: People with diehard party allegiances aside, most voters just pick based on a gut feeling. And unless we’re incredibly knowledgeable about politics, unless we’ve spent countless hours studying the positions and policies of BOTH candidates, unless we have an in-depth knowledge of all the issues and what it will take to solve them, unless we’re unbiased and free from personal agendas or vendettas, then our gut feeling is going to be wrong. You could pick the better person, but unless you picked them for the right reasons, it’s not Democracy, it’s just luck. The average person who goes to a voting booth is like a blindfolded kid swatting at a piñata at a Cinco de Mayo party. You might get some candy, but you also might whack Uncle Jimmy in the temple with a baseball bat. Is that how we should pick the most powerful man on the planet? You might as well put two bowl of cat food on a table, with one candidate’s name on each, and let a kitten decide.
What we need is a pre-voting test. Everyone who wants to vote should be forced to take a test when registering. People who score well enough and know what they’re doing get one vote. People with an exceptional political knowledge — like say James Carville — get two votes. People who cast their votes based on wardrobes, celebrity advice, or any other retarded reason get zero. People who can’t name the President get shipped off to Cuba on a raft. And not the nice part of Cuba, either. The bad part.
Unfortunately in a Democracy we have to treat everyone as equal, even when they’re not, so that will never happen. So, the next best and most honorable thing you can do as a voter is to admit when you don’t know shit, and concede that you shouldn’t vote. Then follow through with that thought, and instead of voting this November, sit on your ass and watch “Simpsons” reruns. Because dammit, that’s something you are qualified for!
This isn’t about preventing anyone from voting. I would never do that. This is about giving up the quest to make every single person vote. This is about encouraging the unqualified to take some personal responsibility and realize that they shouldn’t be in a voting booth this November. Regardless of what the activists tell you, there’s no shame in not voting. It’s a hell of a lot tougher to admit your limitations and skip the election than to be a lemming and cast an uneducated vote because it’s the “right” thing to do.
Anyone can claim that his or her vote matters.
It takes a real man (or woman) to admit that their vote doesn’t mean dick.
If you’re not educated about politics, don’t vote. If you’re unaware of the issues, don’t vote. If you have no strong feelings about either candidate, don’t vote. If you’re voting for someone you don’t care about simply because he’s the lesser of two evils, don’t vote. If you’re voting for someone because of gender or race, don’t vote. If your candidate lost the primary and you’re just voting for whoever won the nomination for their party, don’t vote. If you’re voting for someone because they’re taller or better looking than the other guy, don’t vote. If you’re voting because someone told you “if you don’t vote, you can’t complain,” don’t vote (and then complain anyways)! If you’re voting for someone because your favorite celebrity endorses them, for God’s sake, DON’T VOTE! ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER TO NOT VOTE THIS ELECTION!!!
Those of you who are well educated, understand the political process, realize what each candidate brings to the table, and then make a rational decision based on the information at hand, good for you. Enjoy casting your vote this November.
The rest of us, let’s just tell the boss we’re going to vote and go catch a matinée of Batman instead. It’s better for society, and let’s be honest, we’ll enjoy it way more.
I was reading an article on MSN earlier titled “Will Our Kids Be Dumb & Broke?,” and it really made me think about… umm… something, I guess. I don’t know, I was too busy sending my bank account info to this chick Natasha. She’s from Russia, we met on Craigslist. She’s totally hot for me, but she can’t afford a plane ticket to America. So she asked if I could loan her $2000… I know, I know, it’s a lot of money, but the minute her plane lands in New York I’m sure it’ll seem like a small price to pay for discovering true love. Anyway, I didn’t completely grasp the idea of this article, but I think it was something about how young people make unwise decisions with money.
This is a topic that most people can relate to. Older people always talk about how they wish they made smarter decisions when they were younger. Most of the time this is just old people being jealous of young people and trying to trick us into acting “responsible.” Responsibility is just old person speak for “lame,” so it’s usually best to ignore the advice of your elders at all times. But once in awhile, adults are right about stuff. And one piece of advice that most adults agree on is that you need to save money starting right after college. If you wait until your 30s or later to start saving, you’ve already missed your greatest chance to build wealth.
The problem with this concept, of course, is that stuff is expensive. Everything costs money. Think about it: You can barely leave the house without paying. It costs money to drive anywhere. You can’t go to bars or restaurants without running up a solid tab. Movies are expensive, as is a cable bill. There is nothing free you can do for fun (at least nothing worth doing). Even when something is free, like say going to a public beach, they’ll hit you up for parking or find another way to get money out of you. Oh sure, technically there are free things you can do, like going for a walk, but if walking was so great then why did God invent cars? Yeah, exactly.
They say you should budget 50% of your income for fixed bills – rent, car payments, insurance, student loans, etc – and save the rest for leisure activities, food and emergencies. For most young people, especially those of us who live in urban areas, that’s just not realistic. Rent and the costs of owning a car are especially high these days, so even on a decent income, after they’ve paid fixed bills, many people have far less than 50% left over. Finding money to save usually means cutting into your disposable income; in other words, it cuts into your fun.
But I’m not complaining. I make a reasonable living and my life is non-stop fun, so I’m in no position to complain. This is just a set up for another one of my crazy theories.
Here it is: I don’t think fun should be treated as a bonus, reserved for times when you have enough disposable income. I think fun is a necessary cost of living. I think spending money on fun is as important – if not more – than things like rent and car payments. Now, you can’t be stupid about it. You have to have a place to live, and you have to buy food. But if I had a choice between a great apartment and a boring social life, or an average apartment and a great social life, I’ll take the latter every time. And when it comes down to either saving for retirement in your 20s, or being able to go out and have fun whenever you want, I think you have to go with fun.
Sure, you could cost yourself hundreds of thousands of potential dollars in your 401K by not saving right out of college, but if you’re sitting at home all the time doing nothing so that you can save for the future, what’s the point? You’re costing yourself life, dammit! Sorry, I couldn’t think of a way to make that sound not cheesy. But seriously, how do you know there won’t be another financial scandal that leaves you broke? How do you know you won’t get mauled by a bear? How do you know you won’t get a huge promotion or marry some rich old man/woman or win the lottery and be set for life, thus rendering that time spent saving worthless? No one has ever looked back on their life and said, “Man, I wish I never had all those awesome times when I was young!”
Like on Memorial Day, I spent several hundred dollars to get wasted all day and see Stone Temple Pilots on their reunion tour. I didn’t have to spend that much. I didn’t have to get VIP seats. I didn’t have to get a hotel room and stay over after the show. But I did. Those few hundred dollars could’ve went toward retirement, but then I wouldn’t have seen Scott Weiland wearing a poncho, yelling into a megaphone and doing the Weiland Dance. A lot of people would call my spending frivolous, and say that in the long run, I’d be better off cutting back on my leisure expenses and putting more money toward my future. To which I would respond, “have you heard Crackerman?”
Those who can afford to save money and still live it up are fortunate. If you can only afford one of the two, I don’t think you can take a pass on enjoying your twenties just so that you can be financially secure when you’re 70. You can always work to increase your savings. You can never replace missed experiences.
PS – When I’m fifty and have a retirement fund worth $300, and you find me face down in a ditch with a bottle of Colt 45 screaming “Why, WHYYY?!?!” ask me if I’ll reconsider my position. Then get out of the way before I stab you. Keep in mind I’m a Comm. Major and an Econ. Minor, so I have a history of choosing fun over money.
[Ed. Note: This story was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in June of 2007.]
In 10,500 BC, the continent of Africa was a fertile valley, perfect for crop growth. But then, due to climate shifts, Africa began to dry out. The resulting deserts were terrible for farming, and a crop shortage ensued. Colonization of the continent over the past thousand years has caused a great deal of territorialism and civil war. What’s more, the recent spread of HIV/AIDS has left Africa crippled. Modern Africa is defined by poverty, disease and war. Times are tough. At the same time, the rest of the world seems callous to this fact. Americans especially seem to ignore the plight of Africa, opting instead for their Nintendo Wiis and Grand Slam Breakfasts. Sure, foreign governments and international organizations have tried to help Africa, but nothing seems to work.
And that’s why musicians had to step in.
With Africa in a state of disarray, it was important for the likes of Bono and Alicia Keys to step up to the plate and inspire a change. World leaders might get slowed down by politics and red tape, but musicians have instant access to the people. Inspire the people, and only then can you see change. In fact, with the way musicians are promoting Africa lately, it’s only a matter of time until things turn around for that continent.
We’re only up to mid-2007 right now, but a simple extrapolation of the timeline shows that Africa is in for a bright future. And it’s all thanks to musicians.
Let’s take a look…
1985 - Held on July 13th, Bob Geldorf’s massive Live Aid rock concerts were seen by 1.5 billion people worldwide, raising awareness of the long-suffering continent. Millions of dollars are raised. Legendary singer Bob Dylan — known for his social activism — suggests we used a portion of the money raised to help farmers in America. He is staunchly criticized by both Geldorf and the media.
1995 - The popular movie Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls takes place in Africa. This does little for the continent’s survival; however, it does provide society with the hilarious line, “Pretty hot in these rhinos.”
2004 - The United States falls behind Japan and China in trade. The U.S., which was also a leader in the field of education, continues to slip in that regard as well. Somewhere, a young Chinese boy calls an American boy a “retard,” and instead of replying with a witty remark like, “Did you mean to call me a ‘Letald?,’” the American boy is left speechless.
2005 - Twenty years after the fact, the effects of Live Aid are still unclear. U2 singer Bono goes on “Meet the Press” to talk about Africa, in what will become a recurring trend. Bono mentions that corruption, not poverty or starvation, is Africa’s biggest problem. Bono goes on to spend much of his time working in politics, completely resisting the urge to write good music in the process. Seriously, that “Vertigo” song sucks. In tragic news, Hurricane Katrina strikes the city of New Orleans, leaving the city destroyed and thousands homeless. The U.S. government promises to fix the situation ASAP.
February 2007 - R&B superstar Akon purchases a South African diamond mine, in a move that he claims will save lives being lost in the deadly African diamond trade (as seen in the movie Blood Diamond). However, many people believe that Akon simply bought the diamond mine to be “ballin’, son.”
March 2007 - Singer Joss Stone tells a magazine that society needs to focus on the children of Africa. She claims that people are obsessed with celebrities and don’t pay enough attention to the injustices across the world. Says Stone: “They steal young children from their parents while they’re sleeping or whatever. They steal them at the ages of three and four and they basically turn them into killing machines and they make them eat each other. And then you talk about Britney’s shaved head.”
May 2007 - Bono pushes the nation of Germany to send financial aid to Africa. Around this same time, Pete Wentz of the Fall Out Boy travels to Uganda to take part in a protest against the mistreatment of Ugandan refugees. 14 year old Ugandan girls turn out in record numbers.
June 2007 - United States President George W. Bush asks for $30 billion to fight AIDS in Africa, to the praises of Bono. In response, the city of New Orleans releases a statement reading, “Hi… still here.” At the same time, the magazine Vanity Fair prints 20 different covers of a special “Africa” issue, each one featuring a different celebrity or musician. Many stars of the music world, including Jay-Z, Alicia Keys and — of course — Bono, are photographed for the various covers.
July 2007 - Al Gore’s Live Earth concert series is held to a massive audience across the globe. Though they are meant to raise awareness for global warming, the concerts unintentionally spark more interest in human rights issues, especially the situation in Africa. Money is donated in record numbers to the continent. Meanwhile, people continue to destroy the environment at will.
May 2008 - Hollaback Mobile, a new cell phone company, donates proceeds from its new campaign (”Holla at Rwanda”) to African relief. Christina Aguilera acts as the face and breasts of the campaign. Assisted by the support of various other musicians, Africans begin to take rudimentary steps toward a better life. People can now afford the basics, such as food and clothing, and condoms are distributed, greatly reducing the spread of HIV/AIDS. Around the same time, riots break out in the American city of Detroit, causing chaos and leaving the city uninhabitable.
January 2009 - Money continues to pour in. Africans are now able to afford basic housing and filtered water. Bono holds a summit in London to announce that, “even though we have made great strides in Africa, the job is not even close to finished.” A month later, U2 releases a crappy CD.
August 2010 - Because of the country’s dependence on foreign oil, many U.S. citizens are going broke paying for gasoline, which is now $14 a gallon. Though hybrid cars are readily available, no one buys them because they’re really lame. The people of New Orleans completely give up and just start trading in their cars for boats. Non-hybrid boats, of course.
March 2012 - The American educational system slips a little more, putting it just below Indonesia in the ranks. Meanwhile, royalties from a new album called Clap Your Hands for Africa — a collection of Eric Clapton covers — provides Africa with the money to afford schools and roadways. African plants sharply increase the production of low-cost, electric-powered vehicles.
June 2014 - It is discovered that Sally Struthers was embezzling funds, which finally explains why her “Save Africa” commercials were on all the time and yet had no effect whatsoever. Millions of dollars are recovered and sent to the continent. With all of its people’s basic needs taken care of, African officials begin to strategically loan out and invest the money. Back in America, the Chicago Cubs win the World Series for the first time in 106 years, and during the celebration, the entire city of Chicago is accidentally burned to the ground.
February 2016 - Bono, Chester Bennington of Linkin Park (which is now a contemporary jazz band) and uber-political activist Jojo hold a telethon for Africa. Bono explains, “even though the seeds have been planted and have started to grow, they still need water to become a full-bloomed flower.” Americans, who currently read at a 4th grade level, nod and write checks. The telethon, which included a much-talked-about appearance from a coked-out Haley Joel Osment, receives the best Internet TV ratings of the year, barely edging out the country’s most popular game show, “Guess Which Hand the Coin Is In.” A month later, U2 releases another crappy CD.
January 2022 - After years where it seemed like no progress was being made, Africa hits a jackpot in the stock market with all its previously invested money. The continent can now afford luxuries such as parks, stadiums and museums. AIDS is virtually non-existent, and for those few people that do contract the disease, it turns out Magic Johnson donated the cure during a telethon.
September 2024 - After spending off all its tax money on a new baseball stadium, the American city of Houston goes bankrupt and dissolves. Similar scenarios occur in Pittsburgh, St. Louis and Denver.
March 2025 - An album called AfriCabo Wabo — a collection of Sammy Hagar covers — donates proceeds towards African relief. Bono issues the following statement: “We must continue to look after Africa. We’ve watched it burst through its cocoon and evolve into a fully-grown butterfly. And now that it is spreading its wings and leaving the nest, we must continue to support it in its eternal journey, so that it is not caught in the net of relapse and placed into the jar of despair.” Americans nod, write checks, and go back to watching the popular game show “How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?” A month later, U2 releases a new CD. It’s not bad, but because of his activism, Bono failed to realize that CDs had gone extinct 8 years earlier. Meanwhile, the entire city of New Orleans, which has since relocated to Birmingham, Alabama, is destroyed by a tornado. The government promises to fix the situation ASAP.
October 2028 - Thanks to a strange climate shift brought on by hairspray containers, for the first time in 10,000 years, Africa is a fertile valley again, while the Western Hemisphere has begun to dry up into a desert-like state. African farmland, which is managed by robots, is incredible. Africans are not only self-sufficient, but they are able to provide for the entire continent of Asia as well. Thanks to its superior athlete training facilities, Africa dominates the 2028 Olympics and gains every endorsement known to man. The money goes toward providing each citizen with a hoverboard, after African officials watch a copy of Back to the Future and think, “why didn’t America make this happen already?”
December 2031 - Crime in America has risen to astronomical levels. Murder rates are especially out of hand. Many European experts — America no longer has experts — blame the popular rap song, “Stop Rattin’ and Start Muthafuckin’ Shootin’” by the artist Yung Assazzin. The entire city of Baltimore is murdered. As an act of solidarity, the African government removes thousands of ancient tribal shields from its museums and sends them to America for protection.
May 2034 - Bono, Ryan Cabrera (now a senator from California) and Kingston Stefani hold a press conference for African relief. Bono makes the following statement: “Even though Africa has surpassed both America and Europe as a society, it is important that we continue to support the continent. The only way we can improve our countries is by improving our souls, and the only way we can improve our souls is to show the goodness of our hearts through charitable donation.” Americans nod, write checks, reapply their Tyson Chicken-flavored feeding tubes, and turn back to the popular game show “Is This A Man Or A Kitten?” A month later, U2 releases a CD with absolutely nothing on it.
January 2038 - Inspired by Bono’s words, but too lazy to act on them for 4 years, Americans go out in record numbers to buy the album A Nickel and a Creed: Doing What We Can to Support Africa. The album — a collection of Nickelback and Creed covers — costs only a nickel. Even though America recently decided to make its nickels out of solid gold in order to be as flashy as possible, they still have 1/1,000th the monetary value of the African penny. Africa accepts this gift as a show of good faith (and because it’s gold). Meanwhile, the city of New Orleaningham, which has relocated to Lexington, Kentucky, is destroyed by a 97-foot tall, chemically-enhanced cockroach. The cockroach continues its rampage through much of the Midwest. The government promises to take care of the cockroach ASAP.
November 2042 - African scientists, regarded as the best in the world, develop the technology that allows humans to fly. A small chip is installed in each African citizen’s arm that, in addition to the powers of flight, allows them all of the same abilities as the chick in Terminator 3. Meanwhile, in the American city of Las Vegas, a man loses $400 on one hand of blackjack, snaps, chokes the dealer, and then goes on a massive killing spree that leaves everyone in the entire state of Nevada and half of Utah dead.
June 2047 - Always proactive, Africa decides to take the stockpile of America’s gold nickels and melt them down, then coat the entire continent with liquid gold. After the process is complete, Africa is made of solid gold, with 50-foot golden walls going around the entire continent. Angelina Jolie’s 32 adopted African children ask their mom if they can go back home.
August 2050 - Pollution proves deadly, as the polar icecaps melt and unleash a massive tidal wave throughout the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. The Pacific tidal wave blankets America’s west coast, leaving everything west of the Rocky Mountains under water. The Atlantic tidal wave heads directly at Africa; however, it bounces off Africa’s 50-foot solid gold wall and heads back at America with twice its original velocity. The waves engulf America’s east coast, all the way to the Mississippi River. New York, Boston, Miami and all other major eastern cities are lost. The city of New Orlexingtoninham, which has recently relocated to Cincinnati, is totally flooded. The government says, “bahhdfldahf ahghaldgkd ndal;fjda hhdka lahdldahgd” (the government is now under water; that loosely translates to “we’ll take care of it ASAP”). All surviving Americans are forced to go underground to survive, except for born-again Christians and emo fans, both of whom embrace the pending apocalypse.
*****
2100 - An American, who was in Europe during the Great Flood of 2050, takes a vacation to Africa’s Paradise Coast (formerly known as Somalia). While staying in his 6-star resort on a beach with sand made of tiny platinum shards, he turns on the TV (TVs now exist in thin air and can be turned on by the mind). A commercial comes on with a woman holding a dying child.
A narrator reads the following message:
“For just pennies a day, you can help save this impoverished American boy’s life. Each day, thousands of Americans die due to illness, starvation, and disease. They can’t even afford the basic necessities like food and water. It’s a life that you couldn’t possibly comprehend. But you can make a difference. Won’t you please donate?”
The man sheds a single tear, then teleports down to the beach.
[Ed. Note: This story was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in late 2007.]
Back in the 1970s, Jimmy Page and Led Zeppelin had mass commercial appeal, but were constantly bashed by rock critics. Page brushed off these criticisms by declaring that the band was a year ahead of its time, and that people would eventually catch up.
In the late 90s, Billy Corgan and the Smashing Pumpkins released an album called Adore. The album represented the band’s transition away from rock and into electronic music. It was a commercial and critical disaster. Corgan brushed off criticism by declaring that Adore was ten years ahead of its time, and that people wouldn’t truly understand its greatness without the passage of time.
Last year, ex-Blink182 singer Tom DeLonge started releasing music with a new band called Angels & Airwaves. DeLonge’s A&A project was a vast departure from Blink, and fans and critics didn’t immediately warm up to it. DeLonge brushed off criticism by declaring that A&A was partaking in a 30-year plan to change lives, and that the full effect of A&A’s music won’t be seen until three decades from now.
As technology evolves more rapidly than ever, people are forced to keep up with the changing times, and geniuses are no exception. A true genius is always ahead of his time. But how far ahead must he be? In the 70s, people communicated through the postal service and rotary phones, and Jimmy Page only needed to be one year ahead of everyone else. By the time the 90s came around, the Internet and email gave people access to instant information and communication. Therefore, a genius like Billy Corgan needed to stay 10 years ahead of his time, lest he risk the embarrassment of falling in line with the general public. These days, new technology grows by the minute, and you never know when the next great discovery can advance our society by ten years overnight. As a result, it’s crucial that a genius like Tom DeLonge stay a minimum of 30 years ahead of his time, otherwise Apple could put out an amazing new phone and make him look stupid.
Now, I don’t want to sound arrogant here, but I consider myself somewhat of a genius. I’ve always had the suspicion that something was wrong with me, because I just couldn’t understand the logic behind so much of what was going on in the world around me. Why do people divide themselves into political parties instead of working together toward common goals? Why are so many people angry at their lives, when it’s often their negative attitude that keeps them down in the first place? Why do people think “Everybody Loves Raymond” is a good show, when it clearly sucks? Questions like these kept me awake at night. I thought it was because I just didn’t understand the common person. Well, it turns out the common person just doesn’t understand me.
Why? Because I am 110 years ahead of my time. That’s right, I’m so far ahead of my time that I consider Tom DeLonge and Billy Corgan to be way behind. In fact, I frequently call up Corgan and ask him if he remembered to wear his “special helmet and shoes,” cause by my standards, he might as well be riding the short bus every day. It’s really hard for me to explain my genius to the average person — even when I dumb things down, I’m still 35-40 years ahead of my time — but allow me to try.
When I put together Shoutmouth’s list of The 50 Hottest Women in Music, there were complaints that it objectified women. What people didn’t understand is that I wasn’t objectifying anyone. Quite the opposite, in fact; I had identified an emerging trend of reverse beauty-based discrimination, and I was already working towards stopping it. Sure, everyone knows that beauty doesn’t equal talent, but now there’s an underlying belief amongst the public that beautiful people can’t be talented. Just because someone is attractive, does that mean they are unable to possess musical ability? It sounds ridiculous, but that seems to be the general thought process in this country. And that’s why I made that list. It was an undercover operation to prove that music fans were biased against the beautiful, and it worked perfectly. Of course, no one will understand this for about 58 years. But one day, you’ll see.
Or how about a story I wrote awhile back, about the Plain White T’s hit song, “Hey There Delilah?” I told the story behind the song, and called the band’s singer a stalker. Many people were upset over this. But what they didn’t realize is that I was giving the singer a compliment. You see, with websites like MySpace, Facebook and various other voyeuristic sites taking over the world, it’s clear that stalking is quickly becoming a talent rather than a creepy behavior. Have you ever heard a group of girls talking about a guy they met the night before, and one of the girls was bragging about how she was able to locate the guy online and find out his favorite movies and whether or not he wants children one day? Happens all the time. Imagine what things will be like in a few decades, when technological advancements allow you to see into someone’s bedroom from outer space, without ever leaving your home office. Stalking will soon be a widely-desired skill, with the best stalkers getting into the best colleges and receiving the best job offers. In other words, I wasn’t making fun of the Plain White T’s; I was calling their singer a talented guy. Sadly, you won’t grasp this concept for approximately 76 years.
And while we’re on this topic, just the other day, my roommate said hello to me, and I immediately kicked him in the balls. Now, some people might say that kicking your roommate in the balls for no apparent reason is a total dick move, but what they don’t understand is, I did have a reason. The latest scientific studies have proven that humans consume an insufficient amount of oxygen, primarily due to unhealthy and unkempt homes, workplaces, buses, trains, airplanes, etc. By kicking my roommate in the balls, I caused him to gasp for air, thus increasing his oxygen intake, and in the long term, saving his life. It’s too bad he won’t appreciate my gesture for at least 93 years. One day he’ll find me in heaven and thank me, though.
It’s not easy being a genius. You put in hours and hours of work to achieve perfection, and go out of your way to try and improve society. Yet much of your finest work is still misunderstood by the general public. Sometimes it gets frustrating, and you wonder why people can’t comprehend the world on the same level that you do. But alas, I’ve become accustomed to this life, and I rest easy knowing that in 110 years from now, the world will finally understand my genius.
Unfortunately, you’ll all be long dead by then. But three generations from now… Those guys will totally get it.
The Impending East Coast-West Coast Journalism Feud
