So this is going to sound really gay, but while surfing the web the other day, I stumbled upon an article from Cosmo Online titled “Summer Looks Guys Will Go Gaga For.” The funniest thing about women’s magazines, by far, is how they always have articles about things guys like… except it’s obvious no guys were consulted for these articles.

Let’s go through the list of “Summer Looks Guys Will Go Gaga For,” and I’ll show you exactly what I’m talking about.

1) Sparkly Lids

What the fuck is that? - This is when girls do their eyelids with “a neutral peach, beige, or taupe base and are flecked with gold or silver glimmer,” according to makeup artist Eric Polito, who I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess isn’t a big fan of vagina.

Why would any guy care? - According to the article, “sparkling eyes communicate a sparkling personality.”

You’re joking, right? - You know what communicates a sparkling personality? A sparkling personality. Apparently according to women’s magazines, Eva Braun could come back to life and slap on some glitter eyeliner and I’d instantly want to do her. “You say you dated Hitler and assisted in his plan to eliminate an entire religion and form a master race? Wow, you sound like a real wild child! Come here, baby, tell me more!”

2) Coral Cheeks

What the fuck is that? - Orange blush around the cheeks is “fire on the red carpet” according to Cosmo. I for one don’t think “fire on the red carpet” sounds particularly sexy. I once hooked up with a girl who had that going on and let me tell you, the repeated doctors trips were not worth the one night of ecstasy.

Why would any guy care? - Allegedly, “men interpret being flushed (in any color) as a green light.”

You’re joking, right? - You see, Your Honor, I told you that chick was asking for it! Now can I please get my sentence reduced? No? Aww, come on man, she was wearing orange blush! Orange!!

3) Baby Fine Highlights

What the fuck is that? - “Dainty, bright streaks” in a girl’s hair.

Why would any guy care? - It makes girls seem youthful.

You’re joking, right? - I don’t really want to associate babies with sexiness. Babies can’t talk, they’re always spitting up on themselves, they’re a mess. Granted, a lot of the girls I bring home are like that too, but at least they have their wisdom teeth. I’ve got a certain portion of my brain reserved for sexiness, and I don’t want babies clogging up that space. It’s only like 47% of my brain. There’s no room to spare.

4) Subtly Sun-Kissed Skin

What the fuck is that? - Ignore the clever alliteration; this is basically another term for “tan.”

Why would any guy care? - It shows a girl is active, healthy and enjoys doing things outdoors.

You’re joking, right? - Actually, I’ll give them this. Everyone looks hotter when they’re tan. Unless of course you do the fake-n-bake and turn orange, then you usually end up looking like some sort of goblin, like a reject Batman villain. I don’t know why girls think that orange look is hot. I used to go to school with one girl who fake tanned so often, that when she took a weeklong vacation to Florida one year, she actually came back whiter than when she left. It was as funny as it sounds.

I don’t mean to pick on Cosmo or any other women’s magazine here. OK, maybe I do. But my point is, I have a lot of close female friends, so it pains me to see this kind of superficial advice in every magazine. I wish women could be confident with themselves, realize true beauty comes from within, and not worry about stupid things like make-up and hair.

Nah, I’m just kidding. I’m all about superficiality. I just wish they’d give more useful tips. Orange blush? Come on. No guy has ever talked about a girl with his buddies and said, “you know, I wasn’t sure about Jenny, but her coral cheeks really won me over!”

Whatever. Hot chicks are hot. If you put a hot chick in a miniskirt, she looks great, but if you kill a deer and wrap that same hot chick in deer carcass, she’s still going to look pretty solid. Meanwhile you can put an ugly girl in a million dollar designer dress and, while she might look better than before, there’s still a ceiling. If you gave me a choice of dating an ugly girl dressed in the most expensive clothes and make-up in the world, or Megan Fox wrapped in cow entrails, well, not only will I choose Fox, but I’ll try to make hot dogs out of her dress for dinner. I love hot dogs, so it’s a win-win. I’m not saying you should give in to materialism and make beauty the most important thing in your life. I mean I won’t judge you if you do, but, umm, yeah, wait, I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, the best way to improve your looks and improve your chances of landing a great guy is to make yourself hotter. I’m sure that sounds pretty sexist, but hey, not everyone loved Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech at first either. So there you go. Everyone, try to look like Megan Fox. Oh yeah, and I guess respect yourself. Or something. Also, wear boy shorts as often as possible, cause those look really good.

(I’m aware you could give similar advice to guys, but seriously, who gives a fuck about them?)