McDonald’s is a landmark of this great nation of ours, but it seems like recently, the tide has been turning against the fast food giant. America is emerged in a health craze, and Micky D’s has become public enemy #1.

It also doesn’t help that, a few years ago, the movie “Super Size Me” gave an extremely unflattering look at the company and the negative ramifications that come with eating too much of its food.

Well I think it’s time to take a stand against this negativity. I love McDonald’s. It’s quick, it’s cheap and it’s delicious. But it seems like every time I sit down to eat a feast from the Golden Arches, someone tries to deter me from enjoying my meal. They all say the same thing:

“How can you eat that stuff? You need to watch that movie Super Size Me. You’ll never want to touch McDonald’s again!”

My response is always the same:

“I’ll eat McDonald’s while I watch that movie. Then when it’s over, I’ll eat more. Now get out of here.”

I’m not going to stand around while some “documentary” filmmaker and a bunch of health nuts tarnish an American tradition. Here are 8 reasons why I love McDonald’s…

1- The Dollar Menu

The Dollar Menu isn’t just the cheapest food at McDonald’s. It’s also the best. The McChicken sandwich is amazing, the cheeseburgers are great, the mozzarella sticks are sublime. Even that thing that looks like a little gyro is solid (I don’t know what it is and I don’t care). You can get a full meal for 3 bucks; at some places you can’t even get a bottled water for that much.

2- McFlurry’s

McFlurry’s are delicious. Oreo McFlurry’s are the best, but M&M McFlurry’s are no slouch either. Eating a McFlurry is like being in a fairytale where you’re sitting on a unicorn next to a naked supermodel. Except better, because everyone knows that people in fairytales never get to fuck. In conclusion, they should have never gotten rid of the Reese’s Pieces McFlurry.

3- The Employees

Laugh if you want, but McDonald’s employees are light years beyond the employees at all other fast food restaurants. You go to Taco Bell or KFC and it’s 50/50 the person even understood your order. You said you wanted “2 chalupa’s and one soft taco,” and all they heard was “get me a Pepsi with some urine please.” Not cause they’re the type of rude employees that would urinate in a soda, but because their English is honestly that bad. McDonald’s employees, on the other hand, are like machines. I don’t know what the training regimen at Mickey D’s entails, but when compared to the legion of other fast food chains, those guys have their shit together. McDonald’s employees work as a perfect assembly line, quickly churning out burgers and obeying the orders of their amazing master, you, the customer. McDonald’s employees are what the Nazi’s would have been like if they were using their powers toward deliciousness instead of evil.

4- Double Cheeseburgers

Eating one is good. Eating two is incredible. Eating three will literally kill you. I always eat two. Except that one time, when I ate three and went into a coma for 20 minutes. Luckily I had ordered four, and I gave the last one to God in exchange for a second chance at life. God was all like, “what, no fries,” but I said “hey man, I only had four bucks!” I totally had more though. Whatever, screw that guy.

5- The Game Room

Sure, you’re probably too old now, but remember how much fun McDonald’s was as a kid? You don’t get to go down a slide into a pile of plastic balls at Applebee’s, I’ll tell you that much. Some McDonald’s franchises even have video games now. You go for lunch, you get to play Xbox. Amazing, right? As a kid, you can’t pass up that kind of opportunity. And it’s genius on the part of McDonald’s, because that’s how they hook so many kids on the food for life. I actually tried a similar business plan when I put a Nintendo Wii on top of a cigarette dispenser. It was working pretty well until these two guys from the government showed up and took all the cigarettes away. Our government just doesn’t support small businesses, man.

6- They’re everywhere

If I have to drive 2 miles to find a McDonald’s, that probably means I’m at the North Pole. Anywhere else, you can throw a football and hit one — if not two — McDonald’s franchises. That means Mickey D’s is always an option. I could be starving in a strange town in Nova Scotia, but it doesn’t matter, cause I know there’s at least one familiar option in town. “Hmm, what should I have tonight… how about McDonald’s?” Those words have been uttered many times by many wise men. Confucius had his journey of 1,000 miles. Moses had his trip through the desert. Neither of them died of starvation, did they? Why do think that is? Cause there are McDonald’s fucking everywhere. And it’s all the same. The chicken nuggets meal in Hollywood is the same as the chicken nuggets meal in New York. McDonald’s is like a nice warm fireplace, making you feel right at home, even if you’re lost in some shithole in the Dakotas.

7- The food is terrible for you

Here’s why I hate that “Super Size Me” movie. First off, the guy only got one shot at making the film. A movie where he turned out fine would have been boring, so you know he’s hamming it up the whole time. More importantly, he eats McDonald’s every meal for a month. Well of course you’re going to nearly die. McDonald’s is a treat, meant to be enjoyed only on occasion. It’s supposed to be bad, that’s the point. You get it when you’re in a rush, or are traveling, or just don’t feel like cooking. But not every day. I mean, if you went around having unprotected sex every day, you wouldn’t complain when you caught the clap, would you? Of course not, you’d realize you’re an idiot and stop it. All intelligent people know that it’s best to have McDonald’s and unprotected sex once or twice a week, max.

8- It makes stupid people fat

This ties into the point above. Some people are too dumb to realize that McDonald’s should be enjoyed in moderation. And you know what happens to those people? You guessed it. They get fat. There’s no need for anyone to complain about McDonald’s, because it’s already got its own built-in punishment. You eat too much, you get fat. You eat even more, you have a heart attack and die. It’s natural selection at its finest.

And that’s why I love McDonald’s. Because McFlurry’s taste good and it kills fat people. The end.

If you’ve ever been to New York City, you’ve probably seen the street vendors that sell hot dogs.

If not, there are two things you need to know about these hot dogs:

1) They’re delicious.

2) They’re most likely made of rat.

One might think that rat meat in the form of a hot dog would be disgusting, but to the contrary, few dining experiences match the ecstasy that is eating a rat dog.

The reason for this is two-fold. First off, no one ever gets a rat dog because they were in the mood. It’s what you eat when you’re starving, and you’re pressed for time, and you just happen to pass a vendor. Say you have to catch a train, and there’s no time for dinner. Or maybe you got out of work incredibly late, you don’t feel like cooking, and you pass a vendor on the way home. No one ever seeks out the rat dog. But the rat dog is always there, beckoning to the hungry like a beautiful Siren singing its sweet, sweet song. Thus it becomes a tremendous experience, a lifeboat rescuing you from the harsh sea of hunger.

Secondly, they really do taste good.

Now here’s the problem: Although the rat dog is absolutely delicious going down, it makes you feel like death shortly afterwards. Once you eat a rat dog, you have about a 30-minute window before your insides start to reject the rat meat and your stomach starts turning itself inside out to spew the vile hazard from your system. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a glorious 30 minutes, but then you feel like crap for the rest of the day.

So knowing the dire after-effects of the rat dog, people are apt to avoid it, right?

Of course not. People devour rat dogs. Rat dogs are consumed in mass quantities on a daily basis. And don’t think it’s only naïve tourists eating these rat dogs. Oh no. Veteran New Yorkers love them as well. They willingly accept the death-like feeling just to have those fleeting minutes of joy that come along with eating a rat dog.

This is why the rat dog is a metaphor for life. We all know the rat dog is terrible for you. We all know that, when you consume a rat dog, the feeling of death is inevitable. And yet, so many of us eat the rat dog on a regular basis anyway. The rat dog represents the choice of smart planning vs. instant gratification.

Everyone wants to make the smart decision. We all want to do what’s best for ourselves in the long run. We all want to save for retirement, develop an exercise plan, go to church on Sundays, work with a charity and become a better person. But when it comes down to it, what do we do? We blow all our money on things we don’t need, we eat a bunch of ice cream, we get drunk on Saturday nights and sleep in late, we watch reality TV and we stay the exact same person we always have been. Why? Because it’s easier. It’s quicker. It offers an immediate result. The long-term plan might be smarter overall, but it doesn’t help us right now.

So what are we supposed to do? Do we choose instant gratification, or the more rewarding long-term plan? What will you do next time you’re put in a difficult predicament? Will you take the easy way out, or will you sacrifice short-term pleasures for a better and more meaningful existence? Will you eat the rat and ravage your stomach, or will you go hungry and save your soul?

I think I speak for all Americans when I say: I really want a fucking hot dog right now.

[Note: Most of the NYC street vendors also sell rat-flavored chicken strips. Those are somewhat better for you. You can get those instead of a hot dog, if you’re a pussy.]