In the mid-90s, an East Coast vs. West Coast feud developed in rap music, focusing mainly around Tupac (from California) and Notorious BIG (from New York). The feud started with verbal sparring, then evolved into shootings, then into diss tracks, and finally the death of both rappers.
Only in rap would diss tracks be considered worse than shootings, but whatever, the point is that this feud defined rap music in the 90s. Unfortunately other rappers took notice of the popularity Tupac and Biggie gained during their feud. Though feuding did decline somewhat, a number of up-and-coming rappers began adopting a gangsta attitude and creating their own feuds so as to emulate the success of Biggie and Pac.
There has never been another feud quite like the East Coast-West Coast feud in rap music. Oh sure, VH1’s “Top Feuds” countdown show will tell you that Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff’s catfight over the love of Aaron Carter was worse, but I disagree. Call me a feuding purist, but when guys get killed in drive-bys, I consider that worse than two skanks fighting over a white boy band rapper. What can I say, I’m old fashioned like that. Oh by the way, I’m not making this up, VH1 really did call Lohan-Duff a worse feud than Biggie-Pac. But that’s irrelevant.
The reason I bring this up is because I believe we are headed toward another massive feud involving prominent figures in the media world. Only this time, it’s going to be an all-out, verbally sparring, diss track making, blood-shedding, East Coast-West Coast feud… between journalists.
Oh yes, journalists are the new gangsta rappers.
There used to be a time when being a journalist meant checking with multiple sources and reporting facts in an unbiased manner. Those days are over. Newspapers are cutting staff and traditional journalism is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. However, despite what some people might tell you, journalism is not going to die. There will always be a demand for news. In fact, I would argue people these days have a more insatiable appetite for news than ever. In the age of the Internet, when everything is old after 24 hours, we need new news and we need it more than ever. Blogs can be interesting, but most of them just take a story from a more traditional news outlet and then put their spin on it or make stupid jokes. You still need journalism. After all, you can’t write a blog post about Barack Obama gaining in the polls and gettin’ ready to leave Michelle for a white girl if someone doesn’t first report on Barack gaining in the polls.
On the other hand, people don’t want journalistic integrity. They say they do, but their actions don’t reflect it. People just want someone to tell them what they already believe. Look at the news shows that have gained popularity in recent years: The Daily Show, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Maher, Hannity & Combs, etc etc. All these shows do is take news and frame it in a way where it perfectly matches their audience’s worldview. You technically get the news, but mostly you’re just being entertained or listening to someone you agree with.
So here’s what the field of journalism is coming to: Reporters that are half traditional journalist and half opinionated blogger. They go out and do the research and find out the facts, then spin those facts to appease their audience while making a bunch of jokes about Britney Spears and Kegel exercises. They’re half Bob Woodward and half Jon Stewart. Half journalist and half blogger.
And that’s how the bloodshed begins. I don’t know if you know this, but bloggers are some of the cockiest people on Earth. They think they’re part of some awesome movement, they think they’re single-handedly responsible for killing the newspaper industry, they think that every time they call Ted Stevens a douchebag they are literally performing the most important act ever, and that yet, despite all of this, they still think they are vastly under appreciated. And here’s the thing: Bloggers don’t actually do anything. Trust me, it used to be my job. It’s a joke. You set up an RSS feed for all the major news sites, then every day when you get to work at 10:30AM, you scan through the list to see if anything is conducive to dick joke making. Then you write a couple posts in between watching every new music video on YouTube and claiming it’s for “research.” That’s your job.
So if bloggers think they’re so great now, wait until they’re actually reporting on something. Wait until they are doing the legwork and discovering the facts and breaking exclusive stories. The hubris will be off the charts. Not to mention these new journalist/bloggers are gaining more mainstream attention by the day. Soon blogger ego will be equivalent to Tupac ego in 1996. And since we know that bloggers love to rip everything to shreds, and nothing is off-limits, including other bloggers, it’s only a matter of time until one of these new age journalists says something over the line and begins a feud with another journalist. It might even start with something innocent. Journalist A, of the L.A. Times, questions one of Journalist B’s articles in the Washington Post. Journalist B gets pissed and writes in his online blog that Journalist A sucks and has no business questioning him. Journalist A releases a podcast saying that Journalist B isn’t even on his level, and then Journalist B responds with a magnus opus in the Sunday paper titled “Journalist A is an Incompetent Reporter, and That’s Why I Fucked His Bitch.” This causes Journalist A to unleash a cryptic viral video that’s just a picture of a Glock with gunshot noises and the words “You Done Fucked Up Now, Mothafucka.” Next thing you know, Journalist A is found dead, covered in screenshot print-outs of his original article, Journalist B goes missing, only to have pictures of his bloody corpse surface on a social networking website 3 days later, and we’re engaged in a full-scale East Coast-West Coast journalism feud. Reporters from the New York Times refuse to travel to California to cover stories, and employees of the Oakland Tribune know not to cross the Mississippi. Reporters in Houston are forced to pick sides and staffs are divided, brother against brother. Editors at the Portland Oregonian start to publish pre-emptive obituaries for editors at the Raleigh News & Observer, and vice versa. Deaths within the journalism world skyrocket as parents blame reporting for their kids’ problems, while talking about the good old days when newspapers used to talk about something real instead of just bragging about guns, cars and bitches.
My point is, all you kids out there who are just entering college, you might want to consider a career in accounting. New age media ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.
I just found out Fall Out Boy has a new album coming out in a month.
Fall Out Boy sucks.
Fall Out Boy is the worst band on the planet right now. They only appeal to 14-year old girls. 14-year old girls are idiots, so therefore Fall Out Boy is pretty much worthless. The only good thing about Fall Out Boy is that we’ll eventually get to see them fail and then we’ll be able to laugh about what a worthless piece of shit band they were. It’s fitting that Pete Wentz married Ashlee Simpson, because she was the only person on Earth whose lack of talent rivaled his own. Patrick Stump is a terrible singer and looks like a huge dork. I almost feel bad for the other two guys in the band, but then I realized that they actively chose to be part of Fall Out Boy, and then I just hate them instead.
Of course it’s not just Fall Out Boy. They’re simply the poster children for an entire genre of shitty music, emo. All emo bands are shit. The only good thing about being an emo fan is that you’ll eventually cut your wrists too deep and die, thus sparing yourself from having to listen to emo music. Unless of course there is emo music in heaven, but then again, that would pretty much make it hell, so there you go.
And it’s not just emo music, either. All new music sucks. You’ve got Nickelback and the 80,000 Nickelback clones growling about bar fights and pussy and other stupid shit. If I paid 5 cents to hear Chad Kroeger sing, I’d ask for my nickel back and then stab whoever tricked me into that terrible deal in the first place. Every band whose singer has a deep voice is terrible. These bands like Creed and Theory of a Deadman just sound like terrible Pearl Jam rip-offs. And Eddie Vedder was just a shitty version of Jim Morrison, so that should tell you how awful Scott Stapp is. It’s funny that Scott Stapp always does Jesus poses, because even God hates Creed. It’s in the Bible, look it up.
And what about rap? All rap music is garbage. It’s just a bunch of thugs talking about guns and cars and necklaces. They have nothing to say. Older rappers like Tupac and Biggie used to have something to say. Of course they were just thugs who killed each other so they suck too. Rap makes society dumber and it’s destroying music. Anyone who listens to rap has an IQ of 40 and will probably shoot your children.
And how about pop music? What a pile of dog shit that is. Fergie sounds like she stole her lyrics from a third grader’s pop up book, making the Clumsy video incredibly appropriate. Sean Kingston is the musical equivalent of having someone drill into your cranium and then pour rubbing alcohol through the hole. Britney Spears is famous for being famous and Christina Aguilera used to sleep with lots of guys so she’s obviously terrible. Pop music has always been terrible. Madonna was a little progressive but time passed and she aged and didn’t die young or disappear so now you’re an idiot if you ever thought she was good in the first place.
Music hasn’t been relevant since 1969. U2 sucks and Bono is an asshole. Tom Petty, John Mellencamp and Bruce Springsteen are all populist douchebags who sing anthems for retarded frat guys and stupid sorority girls. Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones just stole all their ideas from black people. The Beatles are the only halfway decent band that ever existed, but they once covered a Chuck Berry song, and Michael J. Fox played that one Chuck Berry song in “Back To The Future,” and the plot of that movie was absolutely ridiculous, and Ringo Starr was an average drummer at best, so the Beatles suck.
The only good music came from way before the Beatles. Blues musicians were OK but most of them spent all their time telling stories about selling their souls to the devil or drowning in the Mississippi River rather than focusing on the craft. Robert Johnson was all hype. There were old folk musicians, but they all sang about the same topics. 1800s folk musicians had no range. And of course you had the farmers who used to whistle while they ploughed their fields. Those guys were OK when they first came out, but their later whistling was derivative and became a bad caricature of their early work. They never grew as artists. Before that, you had Native Americans and their rain dances. From a music theory standpoint they were alright, but they were really just doing it to help grow crops and maybe get a few swigs of fire water in the process. Fuckin’ sellouts. Music is an art form, not a method for growing squash, dickbags! And don’t get me started on the ancient Europeans and their “Greensleeves” style ballads. Those jackasses were only in it for the pussy.
The only credible musician in history is Steven Wallace IV, who lived in Northern Ireland in the 8th Century. He was fleeing the British Army when he stopped and started scraping a stick against a tree. It was a hollow twig, and he was scraping a well-aged oak tree, so the acoustics were phenomenal. The rest of his Northern Irish brethren kept telling him, “knock off that racket, the Brits are on their way!” But Wallace kept scraping the stick against the tree, claiming, “I don’t care about the Brits, I like the way this sounds.” Now that guy was in it for the right reasons. He didn’t care about the public reaction or the money or even his life, he was all about the art, man. He continued practicing his craft even as his group left him. Eventually he was captured and beheaded by the British Army. What a tragedy. That guy had so much more greatness in him.
That guy who scraped a stick against a tree in the 8th Century was the only true musician to ever live. Everyone since him has sucked. Especially Fall Out Boy.
To many people, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama represents an incredible step forward for this country. It’s not only that he’s the first African-American to ever gain the Presidential nomination; it’s his visionary ideas and the way he attempts to bring a forward-thinking agenda into our nation’s traditionally conservative and unchanging capital. Barack Obama represents a whole new way of thinking.
Or so people think.
I, on the other hand, do not consider Barack Obama’s ideas to be visionary. Sure, he has some good ideas for America, but they’ve been said before. Specifically, they were said in the 90s, by Tupac Shakur, in a song called “Changes.”
“Changes” was recorded sometime in the early-to-mid-1990s, but wasn’t released until 1998, after 2Pac had already passed on (or faked his own death, depending on your perspective). It was famously featured on Tupac’s Greatest Hits album, unarguably the greatest rap CD ever released. “Changes” calls for sweeping change in America, citing many of our nation’s problems that could be eliminated with a new collective mindset. And it sounds eerily familiar to the ideas of one Barack Obama. In fact, you might even go as far as to say Obama stole his entire campaign from “Changes.” Don’t believe me? Let’s analyze some of Obama’s positions against lyrics from “Changes.” It’s Barack vs. Pac…
Barack says:
Obama believes that the rich are currently running our country, looking out for their own interests while the poor are hung out to dry. He believes this class structure is responsible for many of America’s problems.
Pac said:
I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself
Is life worth living, should I blast myself?
I’m tired of bein’ poor & even worse I’m black
My stomach hurts so I’m lookin’ for a purse to snatch
Barack says:
Obama has stressed multiple times in his campaign that both parties need to overcome their differences and work together. Party politics are destroying Washington and the nation. Obama believes that it is time for everyone to metaphorically reach across the aisle, because the only way America can progress is if we all swallow our pride and work together.
Pac said:
I got love for my brother
But we can never go nowhere unless we share with each other
We gotta start makin’ changes
Learn to see me as a brother instead of 2 distant strangers
Barack says:
John McCain and the Republican Party constantly talk about traditional values and getting this country back to a time when things were better. Obama bashes the Republicans for spreading propaganda about a nostalgic “golden age” that never actually existed. Obama believes in progressing as a nation rather than trying to go backwards.
Pac said:
I’d love to go back to when we played as kids
But things change, that’s the way it is
Barack says:
Obama bashes McCain for being out of touch with the common man. He says that McCain’s wealth and his 26 years in Washington have put him in a state of mind where he cannot understand the average American’s struggles. On the other hand, Obama came from a difficult background, worked in inner cities and feels a strong connection with Americans, especially those in impoverished areas. In other words, he’s an outsider.
Pac said:
Yes I am gonna say that I’m a thug
That’s because I came from the gutter
And I’m still here!!
Barack says:
Obama stresses the importance of ignoring cultural differences and working together. We all remember Obama’s famous line about how “this isn’t black America or white America, it’s the United States of America!”
Pac said:
Take the evil out the people they’ll be acting right
’cause both black and white is smokin’ crack tonight
Barack says:
Obama is hypercritical of the Republican party for accepting money from big business, especially the oil companies. He preaches integrity and not kowtowing to the almighty dollar.
Pac said:
You gotta operate the easy way
“I made a G today”
But you made it in a sleazy way
Sellin’ crack to the kids.
“I gotta get paid”
Well hey, well that’s the way it is
Barack says:
Obama tells us that true change requires a major commitment. He says we have to completely overhaul Washington. He refers to John McCain as “more of the same” — a reference to McCain’s alliances with Bush — and demands that we chose a totally new direction for America.
Pac said:
It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live
And let’s change the way we treat each other
You see the old way wasn’t working so it’s on us to do
What we gotta do to survive
Barack says:
Obama opposes the Iraq War, stating that it is distracting from some of our country’s other, more important objectives.
Pac said:
And still I see no changes can’t a brother get a little peace
It’s war on the streets & the war in the Middle East
Instead of war on poverty
They got a war on drugs so the police can bother me
Barack says:
Despite his penchant for helping the lower class, Obama constantly preaches personal responsibility.
Pac said:
Don’t let ‘em jack you up, back you up,
Crack you up and pimp smack you up
You gotta learn to hold ya own
They get jealous when they see ya wit cha mobile phone
Barack says:
Obama was raised by a single mother, who taught him to shoot for the stars and gave him an incredible work ethic. Everything he does, he credits to his mother’s strength and parenting.
Pac said:
Tell the cops they can’t touch this
I don’t trust this
When they try to rush I bust this
That’s the sound of my tool
You say it ain’t cool
My mama didn’t raise no fool
As you can see, Barack Obama and Tupac Shakur are basically the same person. If you vote for Obama this November, you are essentially voting Pac into office. I don’t know if that hurts or strengthens Obama’s case. Ah who am I kidding? It definitely strengthens his case. Tupac was the best. So there you have it people. Vote Pac, I mean Barack, in 2008. You see, the old way isn’t working, so it’s on us to do what we gotta do to survive. It’s time to start makin’ changes.
With all this talk about Hurricane Gustav lately, you can’t help but think about the debacle that was Hurricane Katrina. The 2005 disaster not only destroyed one of the greatest cities in America, but exposed a massive class system divide that exists in our country. Remember Kanye’s “the President doesn’t care about black people” speech? That was hilarious. Not the racial injustice; that was bad. But the speech… priceless.
Anyway, I’m not here to expose injustice in our country. In fact I’m not here to expose anything at all. It’s not my place to discuss such a difficult and complicated issue, and plus, the judge told me last month that if I expose anything else I’m going to jail for 5 years. God, that 12-year old girl was such a tattle-tailing little bitch.
Where was I? Oh yes. I want to talk about the forgotten victim of Hurricane Katrina, and how that forgotten victim illustrates the indomitable American spirit (and to a lesser extent, the spirit of Britain).
Let’s say, hypothetical, you were part of a 1980s pop band. And let’s say you have one hit song, let’s say a power-pop ballad that, oh I don’t know, was featured on the “All Dogs Go To Heaven” soundtrack. You’d need a little luck to stretch that one-hit wonder status into a full-fledged career, right? Of course you would. But then, let’s assume a natural disaster came along and wiped out one of America’s favorite towns, and that natural disaster had a name that was extremely similar to your 80s band. Now, whenever people say your band’s name, they immediately think of a disaster that killed thousands of people and tore a country apart. Crazy, right?
Well, thus is life for the members of Katrina and the Waves.
Could you imagine being in that band’s predicament? When you write a pop song as catchy as “Walking On Sunshine,” you expect to milk that shit for the rest of your life. I know I would. Ideally you’d sit around waiting for producers of a Cameron Crowe movie set in the 80s to call and request that “Walking on Sunshine” appears on the soundtrack. However, since bills tend to pile up quickly, a more realistic strategy is to loan the song out to advertisers, thus fattening your bank account and saving you from having to get a job at Burger King. It’s a great strategy, since advertisers are willing to fork over huge sums of money for a song. And since branding is everything, what advertiser wouldn’t want customers comparing their product to the feeling of walking on sunshine? It’s a beautiful feeling, one that would make any rational person want to buy Charmin toilet paper instead of the store brand.
Now, what if, all of a sudden, the greatest natural disaster the United States has ever seen occurs, and its name just happens to be shockingly similar to your band? Now, no one can think of your band or your music without equating you to a horrendous disaster. It’s like starting a band pre-2001 called “The 9/11 All Stars,” or an early 1930s jazz group called the “Burning Hot Jews.” Terrible, and terribly unfortunate. Surely, no advertiser will ever use your song again, correct? Certainly you’ll be doomed to a life of menial corporate labor as your sure-fire cash cow is set out to pasture? Right?
It is at our darkest times when we must have the most faith.
This little pop band from the U.K. taught us a valuable lesson. Did Katrina and the Waves give in and change their name, or accept new lives as secretaries? No. They forged ahead, continuing to offer “Walking on Sunshine” to any advertiser looking for a bright, vibrant brand image. And did America give in and banish the song from radio and TV? Hell no we didn’t. Since Hurricane Katrina, Katrina and the Waves have been featured in a number of ad campaigns (guess which song!), for companies like Huggies and Claritin. “Walking on Sunshine” is also being used for an upcoming line of ads for the new Ford Flex crossover SUV.
I think it goes to show the real power of this country, and how we refuse to give up in the face of danger or disaster. Oh sure, Huggies could have chosen another 80s power-pop anthem for their ad campaign. They could’ve told you how Huggies flex-grip diapers provide an “Invisible Touch” that prevents them from sliding around on your baby’s bottom. Right now, you could be watching Ford Flex commercials where Billy Ocean tells you to get out of his dreams and into his car for only $1,000 down, now through Labor Day! But that’s not the American way, dammit! We don’t let a little thing like a natural disaster stop us from using bands with extremely similar names to said natural disaster in ad campaigns for prescription-strength over-the-counter medication! That’s something the Swiss would do! Those neutral pussies!
You know what? Throughout the course of America’s history, we haven’t always been walking on sunshine.
But damned if we’re not trying.
Fuck you, Switzerland. “Walking on Sunshine” would be perfect for Swiss Truffles, and you know it.
This article is about The Killers, but it’s also about so much more. For instance, it mentions Coldplay. And it has cool pictures. So go check it out.
Anytime I think of The Killers, it makes me think of that terrible feud they had with The Bravery for like 5 minutes back in the early part of the decade. I hate doing a post that’s just a link, so if you’ll bear with me, I’d like to go through the 5 Worst Feuds in Music…
5) The Killers vs. The Bravery
The Killers were one of the biggest bands in the world during this feud, and The Bravery were relatively unknown. It looked like The Bravery was going to become huge, which gave this feud potential, but it never came to fruition. In a related story, there’s this bar in Manhattan called The Bravest, and every time I go there I call it The Bravery by accident. Once the bartender heard me and got really mad. Sorry lady, but if you name your bar something similar to a little-known rock band, I’m going to mess it up. The same thing happens when I go to the bar Dishwallo.
4) Oasis vs. Blur
Oasis was literally the biggest band in the world in the mid-90s. Blur is a great band, but to 95% of people they’re just “that band that sings that Woo-Hoo song.”
3) Marilyn Manson vs. Everyone
When Manson was promoting his latest album, he tried to pick a fight with a bunch of people to stir up controversy (and sell albums). My Chemical Romance got the majority of his wrath. My general rule of thumb is, when two dudes who wear make-up are fighting, you don’t pick sides, you just walk away. Manson also tried to pick a fight with Virginia Tech, saying that he didn’t want to get blamed for the shooting. It was funny because nobody ever blamed him in the first place. I used to have a running joke that Marilyn Manson would just show up wherever there was controversy and yell, “Don’t blame me!” In fact I’m pretty sure he was in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina doing a Steve Urkel pose and going, “Did I do thaaaaat?!?”
2) Toby Keith vs. The Dixie Chicks
Who do you root for in this one? Toby Keith fans bring Confederate flags to his shows (true story – I’ve seen it), and the Dixie Chicks are the Dixie Chicks. I don’t know who won this feud, but I can tell you who lost: America.
1) Hilary Duff vs. Lindsay Lohan
This feud was ranked above Biggie-Tupac by VH1 (on a list of Greatest Feuds). The purpose of lists is to start arguments, but that’s just insane. If I recall correctly, these two were fighting for the love of Aaron Carter, which makes this roughly 10,000 times lamer. I’ve seen people fight over a Pop-Tart and it was more interesting than this “feud.” Of course, 27 people died in The Great Binghamton Pop-Tart Tragedy of 1997, so I probably shouldn’t make jokes about it. It was a horrible tragedy. Never forget.
[Ed. Note: This story was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in June of 2007.]
In 10,500 BC, the continent of Africa was a fertile valley, perfect for crop growth. But then, due to climate shifts, Africa began to dry out. The resulting deserts were terrible for farming, and a crop shortage ensued. Colonization of the continent over the past thousand years has caused a great deal of territorialism and civil war. What’s more, the recent spread of HIV/AIDS has left Africa crippled. Modern Africa is defined by poverty, disease and war. Times are tough. At the same time, the rest of the world seems callous to this fact. Americans especially seem to ignore the plight of Africa, opting instead for their Nintendo Wiis and Grand Slam Breakfasts. Sure, foreign governments and international organizations have tried to help Africa, but nothing seems to work.
And that’s why musicians had to step in.
With Africa in a state of disarray, it was important for the likes of Bono and Alicia Keys to step up to the plate and inspire a change. World leaders might get slowed down by politics and red tape, but musicians have instant access to the people. Inspire the people, and only then can you see change. In fact, with the way musicians are promoting Africa lately, it’s only a matter of time until things turn around for that continent.
We’re only up to mid-2007 right now, but a simple extrapolation of the timeline shows that Africa is in for a bright future. And it’s all thanks to musicians.
Let’s take a look…
1985 - Held on July 13th, Bob Geldorf’s massive Live Aid rock concerts were seen by 1.5 billion people worldwide, raising awareness of the long-suffering continent. Millions of dollars are raised. Legendary singer Bob Dylan — known for his social activism — suggests we used a portion of the money raised to help farmers in America. He is staunchly criticized by both Geldorf and the media.
1995 - The popular movie Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls takes place in Africa. This does little for the continent’s survival; however, it does provide society with the hilarious line, “Pretty hot in these rhinos.”
2004 - The United States falls behind Japan and China in trade. The U.S., which was also a leader in the field of education, continues to slip in that regard as well. Somewhere, a young Chinese boy calls an American boy a “retard,” and instead of replying with a witty remark like, “Did you mean to call me a ‘Letald?,’” the American boy is left speechless.
2005 - Twenty years after the fact, the effects of Live Aid are still unclear. U2 singer Bono goes on “Meet the Press” to talk about Africa, in what will become a recurring trend. Bono mentions that corruption, not poverty or starvation, is Africa’s biggest problem. Bono goes on to spend much of his time working in politics, completely resisting the urge to write good music in the process. Seriously, that “Vertigo” song sucks. In tragic news, Hurricane Katrina strikes the city of New Orleans, leaving the city destroyed and thousands homeless. The U.S. government promises to fix the situation ASAP.
February 2007 - R&B superstar Akon purchases a South African diamond mine, in a move that he claims will save lives being lost in the deadly African diamond trade (as seen in the movie Blood Diamond). However, many people believe that Akon simply bought the diamond mine to be “ballin’, son.”
March 2007 - Singer Joss Stone tells a magazine that society needs to focus on the children of Africa. She claims that people are obsessed with celebrities and don’t pay enough attention to the injustices across the world. Says Stone: “They steal young children from their parents while they’re sleeping or whatever. They steal them at the ages of three and four and they basically turn them into killing machines and they make them eat each other. And then you talk about Britney’s shaved head.”
May 2007 - Bono pushes the nation of Germany to send financial aid to Africa. Around this same time, Pete Wentz of the Fall Out Boy travels to Uganda to take part in a protest against the mistreatment of Ugandan refugees. 14 year old Ugandan girls turn out in record numbers.
June 2007 - United States President George W. Bush asks for $30 billion to fight AIDS in Africa, to the praises of Bono. In response, the city of New Orleans releases a statement reading, “Hi… still here.” At the same time, the magazine Vanity Fair prints 20 different covers of a special “Africa” issue, each one featuring a different celebrity or musician. Many stars of the music world, including Jay-Z, Alicia Keys and — of course — Bono, are photographed for the various covers.
July 2007 - Al Gore’s Live Earth concert series is held to a massive audience across the globe. Though they are meant to raise awareness for global warming, the concerts unintentionally spark more interest in human rights issues, especially the situation in Africa. Money is donated in record numbers to the continent. Meanwhile, people continue to destroy the environment at will.
May 2008 - Hollaback Mobile, a new cell phone company, donates proceeds from its new campaign (”Holla at Rwanda”) to African relief. Christina Aguilera acts as the face and breasts of the campaign. Assisted by the support of various other musicians, Africans begin to take rudimentary steps toward a better life. People can now afford the basics, such as food and clothing, and condoms are distributed, greatly reducing the spread of HIV/AIDS. Around the same time, riots break out in the American city of Detroit, causing chaos and leaving the city uninhabitable.
January 2009 - Money continues to pour in. Africans are now able to afford basic housing and filtered water. Bono holds a summit in London to announce that, “even though we have made great strides in Africa, the job is not even close to finished.” A month later, U2 releases a crappy CD.
August 2010 - Because of the country’s dependence on foreign oil, many U.S. citizens are going broke paying for gasoline, which is now $14 a gallon. Though hybrid cars are readily available, no one buys them because they’re really lame. The people of New Orleans completely give up and just start trading in their cars for boats. Non-hybrid boats, of course.
March 2012 - The American educational system slips a little more, putting it just below Indonesia in the ranks. Meanwhile, royalties from a new album called Clap Your Hands for Africa — a collection of Eric Clapton covers — provides Africa with the money to afford schools and roadways. African plants sharply increase the production of low-cost, electric-powered vehicles.
June 2014 - It is discovered that Sally Struthers was embezzling funds, which finally explains why her “Save Africa” commercials were on all the time and yet had no effect whatsoever. Millions of dollars are recovered and sent to the continent. With all of its people’s basic needs taken care of, African officials begin to strategically loan out and invest the money. Back in America, the Chicago Cubs win the World Series for the first time in 106 years, and during the celebration, the entire city of Chicago is accidentally burned to the ground.
February 2016 - Bono, Chester Bennington of Linkin Park (which is now a contemporary jazz band) and uber-political activist Jojo hold a telethon for Africa. Bono explains, “even though the seeds have been planted and have started to grow, they still need water to become a full-bloomed flower.” Americans, who currently read at a 4th grade level, nod and write checks. The telethon, which included a much-talked-about appearance from a coked-out Haley Joel Osment, receives the best Internet TV ratings of the year, barely edging out the country’s most popular game show, “Guess Which Hand the Coin Is In.” A month later, U2 releases another crappy CD.
January 2022 - After years where it seemed like no progress was being made, Africa hits a jackpot in the stock market with all its previously invested money. The continent can now afford luxuries such as parks, stadiums and museums. AIDS is virtually non-existent, and for those few people that do contract the disease, it turns out Magic Johnson donated the cure during a telethon.
September 2024 - After spending off all its tax money on a new baseball stadium, the American city of Houston goes bankrupt and dissolves. Similar scenarios occur in Pittsburgh, St. Louis and Denver.
March 2025 - An album called AfriCabo Wabo — a collection of Sammy Hagar covers — donates proceeds towards African relief. Bono issues the following statement: “We must continue to look after Africa. We’ve watched it burst through its cocoon and evolve into a fully-grown butterfly. And now that it is spreading its wings and leaving the nest, we must continue to support it in its eternal journey, so that it is not caught in the net of relapse and placed into the jar of despair.” Americans nod, write checks, and go back to watching the popular game show “How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?” A month later, U2 releases a new CD. It’s not bad, but because of his activism, Bono failed to realize that CDs had gone extinct 8 years earlier. Meanwhile, the entire city of New Orleans, which has since relocated to Birmingham, Alabama, is destroyed by a tornado. The government promises to fix the situation ASAP.
October 2028 - Thanks to a strange climate shift brought on by hairspray containers, for the first time in 10,000 years, Africa is a fertile valley again, while the Western Hemisphere has begun to dry up into a desert-like state. African farmland, which is managed by robots, is incredible. Africans are not only self-sufficient, but they are able to provide for the entire continent of Asia as well. Thanks to its superior athlete training facilities, Africa dominates the 2028 Olympics and gains every endorsement known to man. The money goes toward providing each citizen with a hoverboard, after African officials watch a copy of Back to the Future and think, “why didn’t America make this happen already?”
December 2031 - Crime in America has risen to astronomical levels. Murder rates are especially out of hand. Many European experts — America no longer has experts — blame the popular rap song, “Stop Rattin’ and Start Muthafuckin’ Shootin’” by the artist Yung Assazzin. The entire city of Baltimore is murdered. As an act of solidarity, the African government removes thousands of ancient tribal shields from its museums and sends them to America for protection.
May 2034 - Bono, Ryan Cabrera (now a senator from California) and Kingston Stefani hold a press conference for African relief. Bono makes the following statement: “Even though Africa has surpassed both America and Europe as a society, it is important that we continue to support the continent. The only way we can improve our countries is by improving our souls, and the only way we can improve our souls is to show the goodness of our hearts through charitable donation.” Americans nod, write checks, reapply their Tyson Chicken-flavored feeding tubes, and turn back to the popular game show “Is This A Man Or A Kitten?” A month later, U2 releases a CD with absolutely nothing on it.
January 2038 - Inspired by Bono’s words, but too lazy to act on them for 4 years, Americans go out in record numbers to buy the album A Nickel and a Creed: Doing What We Can to Support Africa. The album — a collection of Nickelback and Creed covers — costs only a nickel. Even though America recently decided to make its nickels out of solid gold in order to be as flashy as possible, they still have 1/1,000th the monetary value of the African penny. Africa accepts this gift as a show of good faith (and because it’s gold). Meanwhile, the city of New Orleaningham, which has relocated to Lexington, Kentucky, is destroyed by a 97-foot tall, chemically-enhanced cockroach. The cockroach continues its rampage through much of the Midwest. The government promises to take care of the cockroach ASAP.
November 2042 - African scientists, regarded as the best in the world, develop the technology that allows humans to fly. A small chip is installed in each African citizen’s arm that, in addition to the powers of flight, allows them all of the same abilities as the chick in Terminator 3. Meanwhile, in the American city of Las Vegas, a man loses $400 on one hand of blackjack, snaps, chokes the dealer, and then goes on a massive killing spree that leaves everyone in the entire state of Nevada and half of Utah dead.
June 2047 - Always proactive, Africa decides to take the stockpile of America’s gold nickels and melt them down, then coat the entire continent with liquid gold. After the process is complete, Africa is made of solid gold, with 50-foot golden walls going around the entire continent. Angelina Jolie’s 32 adopted African children ask their mom if they can go back home.
August 2050 - Pollution proves deadly, as the polar icecaps melt and unleash a massive tidal wave throughout the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. The Pacific tidal wave blankets America’s west coast, leaving everything west of the Rocky Mountains under water. The Atlantic tidal wave heads directly at Africa; however, it bounces off Africa’s 50-foot solid gold wall and heads back at America with twice its original velocity. The waves engulf America’s east coast, all the way to the Mississippi River. New York, Boston, Miami and all other major eastern cities are lost. The city of New Orlexingtoninham, which has recently relocated to Cincinnati, is totally flooded. The government says, “bahhdfldahf ahghaldgkd ndal;fjda hhdka lahdldahgd” (the government is now under water; that loosely translates to “we’ll take care of it ASAP”). All surviving Americans are forced to go underground to survive, except for born-again Christians and emo fans, both of whom embrace the pending apocalypse.
*****
2100 - An American, who was in Europe during the Great Flood of 2050, takes a vacation to Africa’s Paradise Coast (formerly known as Somalia). While staying in his 6-star resort on a beach with sand made of tiny platinum shards, he turns on the TV (TVs now exist in thin air and can be turned on by the mind). A commercial comes on with a woman holding a dying child.
A narrator reads the following message:
“For just pennies a day, you can help save this impoverished American boy’s life. Each day, thousands of Americans die due to illness, starvation, and disease. They can’t even afford the basic necessities like food and water. It’s a life that you couldn’t possibly comprehend. But you can make a difference. Won’t you please donate?”
The man sheds a single tear, then teleports down to the beach.
[Ed. Note: This story was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in late 2007.]
Back in the 1970s, Jimmy Page and Led Zeppelin had mass commercial appeal, but were constantly bashed by rock critics. Page brushed off these criticisms by declaring that the band was a year ahead of its time, and that people would eventually catch up.
In the late 90s, Billy Corgan and the Smashing Pumpkins released an album called Adore. The album represented the band’s transition away from rock and into electronic music. It was a commercial and critical disaster. Corgan brushed off criticism by declaring that Adore was ten years ahead of its time, and that people wouldn’t truly understand its greatness without the passage of time.
Last year, ex-Blink182 singer Tom DeLonge started releasing music with a new band called Angels & Airwaves. DeLonge’s A&A project was a vast departure from Blink, and fans and critics didn’t immediately warm up to it. DeLonge brushed off criticism by declaring that A&A was partaking in a 30-year plan to change lives, and that the full effect of A&A’s music won’t be seen until three decades from now.
As technology evolves more rapidly than ever, people are forced to keep up with the changing times, and geniuses are no exception. A true genius is always ahead of his time. But how far ahead must he be? In the 70s, people communicated through the postal service and rotary phones, and Jimmy Page only needed to be one year ahead of everyone else. By the time the 90s came around, the Internet and email gave people access to instant information and communication. Therefore, a genius like Billy Corgan needed to stay 10 years ahead of his time, lest he risk the embarrassment of falling in line with the general public. These days, new technology grows by the minute, and you never know when the next great discovery can advance our society by ten years overnight. As a result, it’s crucial that a genius like Tom DeLonge stay a minimum of 30 years ahead of his time, otherwise Apple could put out an amazing new phone and make him look stupid.
Now, I don’t want to sound arrogant here, but I consider myself somewhat of a genius. I’ve always had the suspicion that something was wrong with me, because I just couldn’t understand the logic behind so much of what was going on in the world around me. Why do people divide themselves into political parties instead of working together toward common goals? Why are so many people angry at their lives, when it’s often their negative attitude that keeps them down in the first place? Why do people think “Everybody Loves Raymond” is a good show, when it clearly sucks? Questions like these kept me awake at night. I thought it was because I just didn’t understand the common person. Well, it turns out the common person just doesn’t understand me.
Why? Because I am 110 years ahead of my time. That’s right, I’m so far ahead of my time that I consider Tom DeLonge and Billy Corgan to be way behind. In fact, I frequently call up Corgan and ask him if he remembered to wear his “special helmet and shoes,” cause by my standards, he might as well be riding the short bus every day. It’s really hard for me to explain my genius to the average person — even when I dumb things down, I’m still 35-40 years ahead of my time — but allow me to try.
When I put together Shoutmouth’s list of The 50 Hottest Women in Music, there were complaints that it objectified women. What people didn’t understand is that I wasn’t objectifying anyone. Quite the opposite, in fact; I had identified an emerging trend of reverse beauty-based discrimination, and I was already working towards stopping it. Sure, everyone knows that beauty doesn’t equal talent, but now there’s an underlying belief amongst the public that beautiful people can’t be talented. Just because someone is attractive, does that mean they are unable to possess musical ability? It sounds ridiculous, but that seems to be the general thought process in this country. And that’s why I made that list. It was an undercover operation to prove that music fans were biased against the beautiful, and it worked perfectly. Of course, no one will understand this for about 58 years. But one day, you’ll see.
Or how about a story I wrote awhile back, about the Plain White T’s hit song, “Hey There Delilah?” I told the story behind the song, and called the band’s singer a stalker. Many people were upset over this. But what they didn’t realize is that I was giving the singer a compliment. You see, with websites like MySpace, Facebook and various other voyeuristic sites taking over the world, it’s clear that stalking is quickly becoming a talent rather than a creepy behavior. Have you ever heard a group of girls talking about a guy they met the night before, and one of the girls was bragging about how she was able to locate the guy online and find out his favorite movies and whether or not he wants children one day? Happens all the time. Imagine what things will be like in a few decades, when technological advancements allow you to see into someone’s bedroom from outer space, without ever leaving your home office. Stalking will soon be a widely-desired skill, with the best stalkers getting into the best colleges and receiving the best job offers. In other words, I wasn’t making fun of the Plain White T’s; I was calling their singer a talented guy. Sadly, you won’t grasp this concept for approximately 76 years.
And while we’re on this topic, just the other day, my roommate said hello to me, and I immediately kicked him in the balls. Now, some people might say that kicking your roommate in the balls for no apparent reason is a total dick move, but what they don’t understand is, I did have a reason. The latest scientific studies have proven that humans consume an insufficient amount of oxygen, primarily due to unhealthy and unkempt homes, workplaces, buses, trains, airplanes, etc. By kicking my roommate in the balls, I caused him to gasp for air, thus increasing his oxygen intake, and in the long term, saving his life. It’s too bad he won’t appreciate my gesture for at least 93 years. One day he’ll find me in heaven and thank me, though.
It’s not easy being a genius. You put in hours and hours of work to achieve perfection, and go out of your way to try and improve society. Yet much of your finest work is still misunderstood by the general public. Sometimes it gets frustrating, and you wonder why people can’t comprehend the world on the same level that you do. But alas, I’ve become accustomed to this life, and I rest easy knowing that in 110 years from now, the world will finally understand my genius.
Unfortunately, you’ll all be long dead by then. But three generations from now… Those guys will totally get it.
[Ed. Note: This article was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in November of 2007.]
I am going to be the worst parent ever. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll love my kids very dearly, but when they ask for shit like Hannah Montana tickets, I’m going to try Ticketmaster once, find out the concert is sold out, and then tell them to shut the hell up and play with blocks like I used to when I was growing up (blatantly disregarding the fact that I grew up with Super Nintendo).
And that’s why Jody Powell, despite his effeminate name, is twice the father I’ll ever be. The 35-year old Powell just won his 7-year old daughter tickets to next week’s Hannah Montana concert in Tampa by… get this… holding onto a statue for 6 days straight.
Now granted, he did get a bathroom break every 3 hours, and they did bring him meals. And the prize included $5,000 and backstage passes. But still, this guy spent the majority of six straight days with his hand on a giant Hannah Montana statue. Oh yeah, did I mention that part? It was a 12-foot statue of Hannah Montana. He couldn’t read books, talk on the phone, or use an iPod. Books suck, so whatever, but no phone calls or iPods? That’s horrible. If I had the choice between holding a statue for 6 days with no iPod, or getting stabbed, I’d have to seriously think about it.
Here’s how bad it got: The second place finisher, a woman named Lara Padgett, lost on the sixth day when the Florida sun drained all of her energy and she had to be TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL and treated. This woman almost died to get her kid Hannah Montana tickets. Which, to me, proves one thing…
Some people go to insane lengths to make their children happy.
Well, here’s the thing. Happiness is a state of mind. So when you take a week off from work and almost kill yourself to get Hannah Montana tickets, what’s next? Kids aren’t really the appreciative type; they’ll just expect that same kind of dedication the next time they want something. “Mommy, why can’t I see Bee Movie? I don’t care if it’s sold out!!! Why won’t you hold a statue again and win tickets?!?!?! AAAHHHH!!!!” Then the crying starts, and you have to lock the kid in the car, and of course that’s when your neighbor comes over to borrow a rake and things get really awkward.
That’s why, when I’m a father, much in the same way that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, I’m going to bring discipline back. I’m not as marketable as JT, but I think this will catch on. Kids these days have it too easy and it’s time for parents to take back control. What’s the point in spoiling your kid when they won’t even remember it in ten years anyway? If I have a daughter… well, she’s getting locked in the basement til she’s 30, so that won’t be an issue. But if I have a son, he’s just going to have to learn some hard lessons, like “you can’t always get what you want” and “daddy doesn’t hold onto statues for six days because it cuts into his drinking.”
Which brings us to our question of the day. What would it take for you to hold on to a statue for six straight days? I mean, obviously you’re going to do it for a new house or a million dollars, but for concert tickets? What about the chance to meet someone famous? Even for the chance to meet my idol, Eddie Vedder, I could probably make it, like, 3 hours. After that I’d say “fuck this, I’d rather just listen to the CD” and give up.
Is there any concert that would inspire you to hold a statue for 6 days straight? Is there any famous person who you’d hold a statue for six days to meet? And why do kids get whatever they want?
[Ed. Note: This story was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in November of 2007.]
Green Day front man Billie Joe Armstrong recently interviewed with Rolling Stone, and the questions turned political. For those who — somehow — don’t know, Green Day released an album called American Idiot in 2004. You may have heard this album when it was being played on radio, on TV, online, in grocery stores, at bowling alleys, at your grandma’s house, at the DMV, or in some cases, when it was being streamed directly into your brain. The album was extremely anti-George Bush, prompting this question/answer exchange:
Do you think selling nearly 6 million copies of that album might have an effect on the 2008 election? A kid who bought it at fifteen will be voting age next year.
I hope so. I made it to give people a reason to think for themselves. It was supposed to be a catalyst. Maybe that’s one reason why it’s difficult for me to write about politics now. A lot of things on that record are still relevant. What needs to happen is a complete change, a person coming from the outside with a new perspective on all the fucked-up problems we have.
RS also asked Billie Joe what kind of future he expected for his children, and Armstrong responded that the Iraq War had to end before any major improvements could take place. He added that the lack of a draft is why kids didn’t “give a shit” and would “rather watch videos on YouTube.”
Umm, nice try, but I looked up Iraq War on YouTube and found this video that had 473,257 views. Don’t hate our generation just because we know how to have our cake and eat it too. Of course, the video only had 6 comments, so maybe Armstrong has a point, although personally I think it just needed a better background song or a piano-playing cat.
On a political note, do you realize that, if things happen a certain way, there could be 28-year olds in 2016 who have never seen a President not named Bush or Clinton? I don’t really care, I just think that’s interesting. When asked who he supports in the 2008 race, Armstrong said he’s leaning toward Barack Obama right now, but that it’s still too early for him to make a decision. That’s the thing about these elections; they start out with a bunch of people, you get attached to one, and then your candidate loses the primary and disappears from your life forever. It’s kind of like dating George Clooney. That’s right, Clooney, I know your game, and if you don’t call my sister back then I will never buy a hybrid car.
The Impending East Coast-West Coast Journalism Feud
