Take a look at the guy on the left. That’s the boyfriend of Bristol Palin, who of course is the 17-year old pregnant daughter of Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin.

Over the next 60 days or so, you’re going to hear a lot of people in the media talk about the tough challenges facing Sarah Palin. You’ll hear about her lack of experience, her controversial views on issues like abortion, and whether or not she was selected as a political ploy to attract female voters. Soon enough, you’ll see stories discussing her looks. The media has avoided that topic thus far, but rest assured, before the November election, there will be headlines like “Vice President Hottie,” “Are Palin’s Looks Hurting Her With Fat Jealous Middle Aged Females?” and “Has Palin Done Enough To Secure The Horny Male Vote?” Maybe not those exact headlines, but something similar.

You’ll also hear a lot about Bristol Palin. Even though family is supposedly off-limits in this election, I can guarantee you that there will be many stories discussing the ramifications of Bristol’s pregnancy. The only thing less trustworthy than a politician is the people that report on them. You’ll hear pundits argue that Bristol’s pregnancy exposes hypocrisy within the Palin family, and soon enough — mark my words — you’ll see stories questioning Palin’s parenting skills.

I don’t necessarily agree with all of these attacks (in fact I strongly disagree with some), but I can guarantee you will see them all.

And when that happens, you’re going to be tempted to feel bad for Sarah Palin. You’re going to be tempted to feel bad for Bristol Palin.

I’m here to tell you, don’t feel bad for either of them.

Feel bad for that guy.

That boyfriend is fucked way worse than anyone in the Palin family. As a semi-young male (once a young male), I’m going to tell you exactly what’s going on in that guy’s mind. When he first found out that his 17-year old girlfriend Bristol was pregnant, his first reaction wasn’t “Don’t worry sweetheart, we’ll do the right thing.” It wasn’t, “I wonder how this will affect your mother’s political career.”

It was “Oh… fuck.”

Look at that guy. He doesn’t want a kid. He is a kid. A child is the last thing he wants. His life isn’t over, per se, but that baby is going to seriously cramp his style. I guarantee he brought up abortion at least once. I’m not saying he straight-up said, “we should have an abortion,” but he definitely threw out feelers at some point, like, “hey you know what’s pretty crazy? Abortion. How do you feel about abortion, Bristol? Oh… oh… yeah, I’m against it too. I gotta go throw up now babe, I’ll be right back.”

Now, to make matters worse, his girlfriend’s mother’s political party is using him as a pawn in their Presidential campaign. Sarah Palin represents small town family values. Which is cool; in fact it’s my favorite kind of values. Except 17-year olds getting pregnant isn’t at the top of the small town family values list. But don’t worry everyone, it’s under control. Bristol is old enough to make her own decisions, and because her and this boyfriend will eventually get married, the pregnancy isn’t that big a deal. That’s the story I’ve heard several Palin supporters make in the past couple days. The story everyone seems to be selling is, “It’s cool, because Bristol and her boyfriend are getting married and keeping the child!”

Sounds great, right? Umm, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that no one ran this story past the boyfriend. Look at that guy. That dude does not want to get married. That dude did not want a kid, but what that dude wants even less is to be married with a kid by age 18. There’s a reason most 18-year olds aren’t married with a kid, and that’s because it’s stupid. The guy wants out already. Did you see him at the Convention, chewing gum and spacing out the whole time? He doesn’t want to be there, he’d rather be at Applebee’s with his buddies, calling each other fags and talking about the chick from biology class with the awesome rack. He was about to go off to college and bang tons of hot pre-frosh ass. He was going to send Bristol 50% of his monthly check from his work-study job in the Stanford mailroom, then go funnel 12 beers at Kappa Si and hook up with drunk lacrosstitutes.* Marriage was not in the cards. But now he’s locked in, thanks to John McCain’s crafty campaign manager. If this kid even thinks about breaking up with Bristol, you can bet the CIA will swoop in and make him disappear immediately. The kid will be missing for 2 weeks until his body is eventually discovered floating in the Alaska pipeline, gaining sympathy votes for Palin while simultaneously giving her a golden opportunity to discuss the merits of offshore drilling.

Over the course of the last week, this kid’s entire life has been chosen, and he never even had a say. Now I’ve got nothing against Sarah Palin. She’s already been voted “Vice President of My Heart,” and I wish her the best of luck in the race for Actual Vice President. But to penalize this kid in the process is just not fair. He pulled out. Sometimes that shit doesn’t work. I mean, come on, kids make mistakes. You can’t take away his whole life because of it.

[*Is there such thing as hockey-stitutes?]

[Ed. Note: This article was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in November of 2007.]

I am going to be the worst parent ever. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll love my kids very dearly, but when they ask for shit like Hannah Montana tickets, I’m going to try Ticketmaster once, find out the concert is sold out, and then tell them to shut the hell up and play with blocks like I used to when I was growing up (blatantly disregarding the fact that I grew up with Super Nintendo).

And that’s why Jody Powell, despite his effeminate name, is twice the father I’ll ever be. The 35-year old Powell just won his 7-year old daughter tickets to next week’s Hannah Montana concert in Tampa by… get this… holding onto a statue for 6 days straight.

Now granted, he did get a bathroom break every 3 hours, and they did bring him meals. And the prize included $5,000 and backstage passes. But still, this guy spent the majority of six straight days with his hand on a giant Hannah Montana statue. Oh yeah, did I mention that part? It was a 12-foot statue of Hannah Montana. He couldn’t read books, talk on the phone, or use an iPod. Books suck, so whatever, but no phone calls or iPods? That’s horrible. If I had the choice between holding a statue for 6 days with no iPod, or getting stabbed, I’d have to seriously think about it.

Here’s how bad it got: The second place finisher, a woman named Lara Padgett, lost on the sixth day when the Florida sun drained all of her energy and she had to be TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL and treated. This woman almost died to get her kid Hannah Montana tickets. Which, to me, proves one thing…

Some people go to insane lengths to make their children happy.

Well, here’s the thing. Happiness is a state of mind. So when you take a week off from work and almost kill yourself to get Hannah Montana tickets, what’s next? Kids aren’t really the appreciative type; they’ll just expect that same kind of dedication the next time they want something. “Mommy, why can’t I see Bee Movie? I don’t care if it’s sold out!!! Why won’t you hold a statue again and win tickets?!?!?! AAAHHHH!!!!” Then the crying starts, and you have to lock the kid in the car, and of course that’s when your neighbor comes over to borrow a rake and things get really awkward.

That’s why, when I’m a father, much in the same way that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, I’m going to bring discipline back. I’m not as marketable as JT, but I think this will catch on. Kids these days have it too easy and it’s time for parents to take back control. What’s the point in spoiling your kid when they won’t even remember it in ten years anyway? If I have a daughter… well, she’s getting locked in the basement til she’s 30, so that won’t be an issue. But if I have a son, he’s just going to have to learn some hard lessons, like “you can’t always get what you want” and “daddy doesn’t hold onto statues for six days because it cuts into his drinking.”

Which brings us to our question of the day. What would it take for you to hold on to a statue for six straight days? I mean, obviously you’re going to do it for a new house or a million dollars, but for concert tickets? What about the chance to meet someone famous? Even for the chance to meet my idol, Eddie Vedder, I could probably make it, like, 3 hours. After that I’d say “fuck this, I’d rather just listen to the CD” and give up.

Is there any concert that would inspire you to hold a statue for 6 days straight? Is there any famous person who you’d hold a statue for six days to meet? And why do kids get whatever they want?

The questions keep piling up.