-John McCain will become the 44th President of the United States, winning the 2nd closest election in history.
-There will be an unprecedented amount of voter fraud complaints, including at least one major controversy in a swing state. However, evidence will be sketchy and no ramifications will ever result.
-Obama supporters will stage a march on Washington, the likes of which will resemble something from the Vietnam era. Bottled waters at the march will cost $5; a Snapple will run you $7. It won’t accomplish anything but it will be a great way for hippies to get laid.
-Regardless of who wins, the number of articles written about this election will be greater than the number of articles ever written about anything, with the exception of Britney Spears’ vagina. At least 3 articles in major newspapers will compare the U.S. to the Roman Empire.
-John McCain will not die in office. He will have one close call, but it won’t be related to his age or health issues. He’ll choke on a hot dog or get his arms caught in a ceiling fan or something like that.
-McCain will do an OK job in the White House. Not great, but OK. He will be to the White House what Brian Griese is to the NFL. His nickname will change from “The Maverick” to “The Game Manager.”
-Sarah Palin will never be President. Within 6 years, Palin will be out of politics and hosting a daytime talk show opposite Rachel Ray.
-This election will ultimately do very little for racial equality, but it will prove to be a huge step forward for mediocre looking white chicks.
-When the winning electoral votes come in, and the new President is finally revealed, it will be the most text-messaged-about moment in history. There will be 1 billion text message containing the word “obama” sent on Tuesday.
-This election will be the OJ moment of the decade. Everyone will remember where they were when the final announcement was made.
-The 2008 election will set the record for “most people getting drunk during an election.” At least 12 people will die. It will go down in history as the greatest party day in political history.
-This week “election” will be the most Googled term in history, not counting porn stuff. Counting porn stuff it will be 14,000th.
-Obama will inspire a record voter turnout from the African-American community. Over 7% of African-Americans will vote.
-P. Diddy’s “Vote or Die” campaign will become reality this week when an overzealous liberal kills another person for not voting.
-Regardless of who wins, 100 years from now everyone will know of Barack Obama and 28% of people will know of John McCain. If Obama loses, there will eventually be a movie about him, the moral of which is blatantly ripped off from the movie “Tin Cup.”
-Barack Obama will accomplish something great, but not in the White House. Like Al Gore or John Edwards, he’ll be more productive as a social figure, outside of politics. He’ll eventually become a Bono-esque figure. He might cure AIDS.
-Over the next four years, 5 more states will approve a law that allows gay marriage. One of them will then repeal that law. The President will just kinda shrug. In 40 years the country will look back on gay rights in this decade the way we look back at womens’ and blacks’ rights from the early 1900s. “Yeah, sorry about that.” Gays will demand reparations but will settle for free daiquiris at the Boston Pride parade.
-Anger over the results of this election will result in the formation of the Don’t Vote Party, a movement which actively tries to ruin the voting process, kinda like that Vote For The Worst campaign against “American Idol.” The Don’t Vote Party’s 2012 candidate, Kevin Federline, will get 4% of the vote.
-The division in this country will continue to get worse and worse. Sometime in the next 50 years, the South will try to secede from the nation again. Except instead of the Gettysburg Address, this time the North will release a statement saying, “later bros.”
-Next Sunday night, when the New York Giants play the Philadelphia Eagles on “Sunday Night Football,” John Madden will utter the following phrase:
“You see, the thing about the election is, the guy who wins the election, is supposed to win.”
People will laugh, but over time it will prove to be the smartest thing anyone ever said about the 2008 Election.
I, Tom Z, am writing to announce my candidacy for the Presidency in the year 2016. I feel it is my civic duty to campaign for President, and I am honored to have the opportunity to win your vote.
In these times of economic and social crisis, it is imperative that we elect a leader that represents the best interests of you, the American public. That is why I’m running for President. Like you, I am disgusted by these Washington insiders who work solely for the special interest groups. Our country needs massive change, a change that can only come from the outside. The “old boys club” on Capitol Hill needs to be eliminated, and we need a President who represents the views of the common man.
I am that candidate.
Like you, I understand the pressures of a failing economy and the toll that war has taken on our great country. Like you, I care more about being able to pay for groceries than being able to pay the big oil companies. Like you, I’m annoyed by the greed on Wall Street which affects all of us on Main Street. Like you, I can’t stand to see the same old party politics while so many people struggle to pay their mortgages. Like you, I despise our shallow values and celebrity-driven culture, and I believe that Britney’s comeback totally isn’t going to work cause she’s, like, still all crazy and obsessed with Justin Timberlake. Like you, I struggle with contractions and don’t understand the difference between “your” and “you’re.” And like you, I care deeply about our country and you’re children’s future.
You see, I’m just like you. I’m a man of the people. I’m not some Washington DC fatcat who has been entrenched on Capitol Hill for years and is out of touch with the rest of the country. I’m no Washington insider. In fact I’ve only been to Washington once in my life, and that was when I was 13 years old, when my mom took me to see to see the Washington Monument. And you know what? I thought it was overrated. I know it has great symbolic value, but it’s just a pointy statue in the middle of some park. You can’t climb up it and it doesn’t even have a gift shop. What’s the big deal? And don’t get me started on the Lincoln Memorial. What a piece of shit.
Screw Washington DC and its fancy cars and shiny marble floors and phallic-shaped “monuments.” I don’t care about Washington. I care about you! And that’s why I’m running for President. We need a leader who shares the values of the average American, and who understands the struggles that we all go through on a daily basis. I am that leader. I don’t go to fancy yacht parties or fact-finding missions in Darfur. I go to work every morning and bind and collate sales reports for a marketing team at a company that sells axle-rods to the riding lawnmower industry. I don’t read the Wall Street Journal and trade stocks; I read US Weekly and trade sarcastic barbs about Paris Hilton’s vagina. Actually, I don’t even know how to read. I just look at the pictures and assume the worst. I’m not some stuck up Washington elitist who believes in rainbows and butterflies and economic stimulus packages!
I won’t try to impress you with creative speeches or clever rhetoric. I know you’re sick of all the political spin that has dominated our country for the past two decades, so I won’t try to make your head hurt by saying lots of sentences with tons of big words in them. I care too much about you, the American public! Plus, I’m borderline illiterate. Some people have called me functionally retarded, but in reality my IQ is a solid 86.2, putting me right on par with the average Walmart shopper.
Did I mention I shop at Walmart? Yep, I’m just like you. Oh, those Washington DC fatcats have tried to take me to fancy stores like Crate & Barrel or Pier 1, but I looked them right in the eyes and told them, “what are you, a faggot?” Because that’s how the average American would’ve handled the situation, and I’ll be damned if I let these party politics affect me from doing my job of serving the American people! This has earned me quite the reputation around Washington as a “renegade.” Just as Rage Against the Machine were renegades of funk, I’m the renegade of Washington. But that’s OK, because I know that I don’t work for other politicians or Rage Against the Machine. I work for you! I shop at Walmart and I buy my pretzels in 20-gallon jars because we are in a recession!
I may be running for President, but I take offense to the word politician. I’m no politician. I’m just an ordinary guy. I didn’t go to politician school or pass some magical politician test. I can’t even spell the word politician without help from my computer’s spellcheck function. I dropped out of school in eight grade to work in my family’s shipping and packaging business, bubble-wrapping dinette sets for average Americans just like you. And as President, I promise to bubble-wrap our country and protect you from the ill effects of an economy that has been kicked around in the back of a UPS truck. I promise to submerge terrorists into a refrigerator box filled with Styrofoam peanuts, until they have inhaled massive amounts of asbestos and are no longer able to plot attacks against America. I promise to hand-deliver a better America by 8AM on a Saturday morning without requesting a signature, while speaking in vague metaphors that don’t really make sense but can be interpreted however you, the American people, choose!
By electing me as President, you’ll be scoring a touchdown for progress! Because like you, I’m a huge sports fan, and believe that athletes deserve the type of admiration and respect that hypothetically should be reserved for teachers and law enforcement. I’m not some Washington elitist who thinks that all laws need to be upheld! I occasionally jaywalk, just like you! Sometimes I fall behind on my credit card bills and write them angry letters saying I never got my statement that month, even though I did get it and just couldn’t afford to pay. One time I got hammered and drove home from the bar and struck a small child with my SUV. I didn’t stop to see what happened, but I found out the next day that the kid had died. Mothers Against Drunk Driving went on the local news and demanded that the perpetrator turn himself in, but I never told anyone what I did, because I don’t cater to the special interest groups!
The old boys club in Washington thinks it’s so great! They go out to $1000 dinners and discuss politics as usual. I, on the other hand, don’t play that game. I usually eat cut up hot dogs that I dump into a bowl of mac and cheese, and once in awhile I treat myself to some Arby’s. I occasionally steal the sports section of my neighbor’s newspaper, and then when he asks me about it, I play dumb, like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Jim.” I don’t shower on Sundays and just hose myself down with Tag Body Spray if I need to go somewhere. I’m often seen picking my nose in public and I have been known to cut in front of old ladies in line at the supermarkets. It’s 3PM, I just woke up an hour ago, and in just a few more hours I’ll be blackout drunk on low-grade grain alcohol. I go out to bars and hit on woman and it’s really creepy. I don’t pay my taxes and I haven’t given my ex-wife her court-ordered alimony payments in 6 months. I refuse to participate in such fiscal irresponsibility, and as your President, I would lower all your taxes by 50% while simultaneously investing billions of dollars into infrastructure and children. Of course, I’ll need a calculator to figure all this economic stuff out, because like you, I fuckin’ hate math! I think it’s boring and I never really got it. I’m not huge on science or history, either! This isn’t high school, it’s the school of America!
When I told a group of young parents at a diner the other day that I was running for President, one of the young mothers asked me, “Are you high? Leave me alone!” It’s sad that we live in a country where drug use is so prevalent that this mother just assumed I was high. And I can’t stand the fact that our country has become so divided by party politics that this woman would sooner ask me to leave her alone than discuss the real issues facing America. I’m running for President in order to make a change. As President, I’ll take the lead from the American public and stop succumbing to pressure from the big drug companies. In fact, I’ll take all medicine out of stores and lock all doctors into concentration camps. We don’t need those fatcats charging us $75 then telling us to just rest up and take some Advil. Not in this economy!
You might be asking, “Tom, why are you announcing your candidacy for President 8 years before the election?” The answer is simple: I don’t know anything about politics. I don’t understand how the political process works or how to campaign or even how to fill out the necessary paperwork in order to officially enter the Presidential race. That’s because I’m not some elitist Washington insider who participates in party politics or knows his own social security number.
I’m just an ordinary guy, like you. In fact, I’m even less than you. I’m a goddamn idiot. And together, we can turn this country into the America we all want to see. An America where the economy is stable, an America where everyone can afford gasoline and adequate healthcare, an America where we’re not engaged in a never-ending war, an America where pints are a dollar and everybody gets laid!
Vote Tom Z in 2016! Together, we can make it happen!
To many people, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama represents an incredible step forward for this country. It’s not only that he’s the first African-American to ever gain the Presidential nomination; it’s his visionary ideas and the way he attempts to bring a forward-thinking agenda into our nation’s traditionally conservative and unchanging capital. Barack Obama represents a whole new way of thinking.
Or so people think.
I, on the other hand, do not consider Barack Obama’s ideas to be visionary. Sure, he has some good ideas for America, but they’ve been said before. Specifically, they were said in the 90s, by Tupac Shakur, in a song called “Changes.”
“Changes” was recorded sometime in the early-to-mid-1990s, but wasn’t released until 1998, after 2Pac had already passed on (or faked his own death, depending on your perspective). It was famously featured on Tupac’s Greatest Hits album, unarguably the greatest rap CD ever released. “Changes” calls for sweeping change in America, citing many of our nation’s problems that could be eliminated with a new collective mindset. And it sounds eerily familiar to the ideas of one Barack Obama. In fact, you might even go as far as to say Obama stole his entire campaign from “Changes.” Don’t believe me? Let’s analyze some of Obama’s positions against lyrics from “Changes.” It’s Barack vs. Pac…
Barack says:
Obama believes that the rich are currently running our country, looking out for their own interests while the poor are hung out to dry. He believes this class structure is responsible for many of America’s problems.
Pac said:
I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself
Is life worth living, should I blast myself?
I’m tired of bein’ poor & even worse I’m black
My stomach hurts so I’m lookin’ for a purse to snatch
Barack says:
Obama has stressed multiple times in his campaign that both parties need to overcome their differences and work together. Party politics are destroying Washington and the nation. Obama believes that it is time for everyone to metaphorically reach across the aisle, because the only way America can progress is if we all swallow our pride and work together.
Pac said:
I got love for my brother
But we can never go nowhere unless we share with each other
We gotta start makin’ changes
Learn to see me as a brother instead of 2 distant strangers
Barack says:
John McCain and the Republican Party constantly talk about traditional values and getting this country back to a time when things were better. Obama bashes the Republicans for spreading propaganda about a nostalgic “golden age” that never actually existed. Obama believes in progressing as a nation rather than trying to go backwards.
Pac said:
I’d love to go back to when we played as kids
But things change, that’s the way it is
Barack says:
Obama bashes McCain for being out of touch with the common man. He says that McCain’s wealth and his 26 years in Washington have put him in a state of mind where he cannot understand the average American’s struggles. On the other hand, Obama came from a difficult background, worked in inner cities and feels a strong connection with Americans, especially those in impoverished areas. In other words, he’s an outsider.
Pac said:
Yes I am gonna say that I’m a thug
That’s because I came from the gutter
And I’m still here!!
Barack says:
Obama stresses the importance of ignoring cultural differences and working together. We all remember Obama’s famous line about how “this isn’t black America or white America, it’s the United States of America!”
Pac said:
Take the evil out the people they’ll be acting right
’cause both black and white is smokin’ crack tonight
Barack says:
Obama is hypercritical of the Republican party for accepting money from big business, especially the oil companies. He preaches integrity and not kowtowing to the almighty dollar.
Pac said:
You gotta operate the easy way
“I made a G today”
But you made it in a sleazy way
Sellin’ crack to the kids.
“I gotta get paid”
Well hey, well that’s the way it is
Barack says:
Obama tells us that true change requires a major commitment. He says we have to completely overhaul Washington. He refers to John McCain as “more of the same” — a reference to McCain’s alliances with Bush — and demands that we chose a totally new direction for America.
Pac said:
It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live
And let’s change the way we treat each other
You see the old way wasn’t working so it’s on us to do
What we gotta do to survive
Barack says:
Obama opposes the Iraq War, stating that it is distracting from some of our country’s other, more important objectives.
Pac said:
And still I see no changes can’t a brother get a little peace
It’s war on the streets & the war in the Middle East
Instead of war on poverty
They got a war on drugs so the police can bother me
Barack says:
Despite his penchant for helping the lower class, Obama constantly preaches personal responsibility.
Pac said:
Don’t let ‘em jack you up, back you up,
Crack you up and pimp smack you up
You gotta learn to hold ya own
They get jealous when they see ya wit cha mobile phone
Barack says:
Obama was raised by a single mother, who taught him to shoot for the stars and gave him an incredible work ethic. Everything he does, he credits to his mother’s strength and parenting.
Pac said:
Tell the cops they can’t touch this
I don’t trust this
When they try to rush I bust this
That’s the sound of my tool
You say it ain’t cool
My mama didn’t raise no fool
As you can see, Barack Obama and Tupac Shakur are basically the same person. If you vote for Obama this November, you are essentially voting Pac into office. I don’t know if that hurts or strengthens Obama’s case. Ah who am I kidding? It definitely strengthens his case. Tupac was the best. So there you have it people. Vote Pac, I mean Barack, in 2008. You see, the old way isn’t working, so it’s on us to do what we gotta do to survive. It’s time to start makin’ changes.
Take a look at the guy on the left. That’s the boyfriend of Bristol Palin, who of course is the 17-year old pregnant daughter of Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin.
Over the next 60 days or so, you’re going to hear a lot of people in the media talk about the tough challenges facing Sarah Palin. You’ll hear about her lack of experience, her controversial views on issues like abortion, and whether or not she was selected as a political ploy to attract female voters. Soon enough, you’ll see stories discussing her looks. The media has avoided that topic thus far, but rest assured, before the November election, there will be headlines like “Vice President Hottie,” “Are Palin’s Looks Hurting Her With Fat Jealous Middle Aged Females?” and “Has Palin Done Enough To Secure The Horny Male Vote?” Maybe not those exact headlines, but something similar.
You’ll also hear a lot about Bristol Palin. Even though family is supposedly off-limits in this election, I can guarantee you that there will be many stories discussing the ramifications of Bristol’s pregnancy. The only thing less trustworthy than a politician is the people that report on them. You’ll hear pundits argue that Bristol’s pregnancy exposes hypocrisy within the Palin family, and soon enough — mark my words — you’ll see stories questioning Palin’s parenting skills.
I don’t necessarily agree with all of these attacks (in fact I strongly disagree with some), but I can guarantee you will see them all.
And when that happens, you’re going to be tempted to feel bad for Sarah Palin. You’re going to be tempted to feel bad for Bristol Palin.
I’m here to tell you, don’t feel bad for either of them.
Feel bad for that guy.
That boyfriend is fucked way worse than anyone in the Palin family. As a semi-young male (once a young male), I’m going to tell you exactly what’s going on in that guy’s mind. When he first found out that his 17-year old girlfriend Bristol was pregnant, his first reaction wasn’t “Don’t worry sweetheart, we’ll do the right thing.” It wasn’t, “I wonder how this will affect your mother’s political career.”
It was “Oh… fuck.”
Look at that guy. He doesn’t want a kid. He is a kid. A child is the last thing he wants. His life isn’t over, per se, but that baby is going to seriously cramp his style. I guarantee he brought up abortion at least once. I’m not saying he straight-up said, “we should have an abortion,” but he definitely threw out feelers at some point, like, “hey you know what’s pretty crazy? Abortion. How do you feel about abortion, Bristol? Oh… oh… yeah, I’m against it too. I gotta go throw up now babe, I’ll be right back.”
Now, to make matters worse, his girlfriend’s mother’s political party is using him as a pawn in their Presidential campaign. Sarah Palin represents small town family values. Which is cool; in fact it’s my favorite kind of values. Except 17-year olds getting pregnant isn’t at the top of the small town family values list. But don’t worry everyone, it’s under control. Bristol is old enough to make her own decisions, and because her and this boyfriend will eventually get married, the pregnancy isn’t that big a deal. That’s the story I’ve heard several Palin supporters make in the past couple days. The story everyone seems to be selling is, “It’s cool, because Bristol and her boyfriend are getting married and keeping the child!”
Sounds great, right? Umm, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that no one ran this story past the boyfriend. Look at that guy. That dude does not want to get married. That dude did not want a kid, but what that dude wants even less is to be married with a kid by age 18. There’s a reason most 18-year olds aren’t married with a kid, and that’s because it’s stupid. The guy wants out already. Did you see him at the Convention, chewing gum and spacing out the whole time? He doesn’t want to be there, he’d rather be at Applebee’s with his buddies, calling each other fags and talking about the chick from biology class with the awesome rack. He was about to go off to college and bang tons of hot pre-frosh ass. He was going to send Bristol 50% of his monthly check from his work-study job in the Stanford mailroom, then go funnel 12 beers at Kappa Si and hook up with drunk lacrosstitutes.* Marriage was not in the cards. But now he’s locked in, thanks to John McCain’s crafty campaign manager. If this kid even thinks about breaking up with Bristol, you can bet the CIA will swoop in and make him disappear immediately. The kid will be missing for 2 weeks until his body is eventually discovered floating in the Alaska pipeline, gaining sympathy votes for Palin while simultaneously giving her a golden opportunity to discuss the merits of offshore drilling.
Over the course of the last week, this kid’s entire life has been chosen, and he never even had a say. Now I’ve got nothing against Sarah Palin. She’s already been voted “Vice President of My Heart,” and I wish her the best of luck in the race for Actual Vice President. But to penalize this kid in the process is just not fair. He pulled out. Sometimes that shit doesn’t work. I mean, come on, kids make mistakes. You can’t take away his whole life because of it.
One thing I love about the news is how they always use lame pun headlines, no matter how important or serious the story.
As we all know, the big story for the next week — and probably the next few months — will be Barack Obama. I figured I would help out our nation’s media outlets by providing the following Barack-themed bad pun headlines, free of charge. After all, solid journalism is very important to me.
“Barack the Vote: Obama Encourages Young People to Vote”
“Barack Around the Clock: Obama Embarks on Non-Stop Campaign Tour”
Since I’m the All-American Guy (copyright 2003), I’ve obviously spent the bulk of my free time over the past week watching the Olympics. From the United States’ gymnastic performances to the Americans edging out the French in the swim relay, it’s been an exciting thrill ride.
However, one thing has disappointed me about the Olympics, besides the judges’ blatant favoritism of all China teams:
The synchronized diving.
Don’t get me wrong, I think synchronized diving is impressive. It’s exciting to watch two people become one, diving off a platform the equivalent of a 3-story building in unison. I couldn’t do a normal dive off the platform, let alone a double-twist-double-backflip. Honestly, if someone asked me to do a jackknife off the platform, I’d probably just curl up into the fetal position while crying and screaming “WHY COULDN’T I JUST DO ARCHERY?!?!?”
Here’s the thing about synchronized diving: It’s not fair to capitalists. The communist countries have a huge advantage. Just look at the teams that have dominated synchronized diving. China, Germany, Russia. Commie bastards, all of them. And of course they’ll have the edge. These people don’t just dive in unison, they live in unison. Every communist is like a gear in a giant machine; they’re used to having their actions being part of a larger synchronized movement. They’re used to having common goals. They’re used to moving together. Hell, communists are only one step above penguins. Meanwhile, the capitalist way of life is doing your own thing and kicking your mother in the head to get a nickel. We don’t work together, unless it’s part of a larger plan to eventually stab your alliance in the back (a la “Survivor”). How are we supposed to compete in synchronized diving? The event is second nature for the Communists. It’s like letting dolphins compete in the 400-meter freestyle. Now you might say that this is a tiny and inconsequential benefit to having their human rights violated on a massive scale, or that of the countries I mentioned, only China is truly Communist. But to that I would respond, “you’re just gonna let those fuckers have the gold? Maybe you’re a Communist too!” Then I’ll call up my friends in Congress and have you sent away on “vacation.”
If we’re going to just give these Commies a few free medals with synchronized diving, I think it’s only fair to add a few sports that capitalists can dominate. Something that requires capitalistic ideals like independent thought, artistic expression, free market and individualism. Like, I don’t know, an event where people run a quarter-marathon while writing a creative essay and convincing the crowd to give them money. And if an American doesn’t win the 10K Literary Panhandling Marathon in the 2012 Olympics, well then I’ll apologize and we can go back to the way it is.
(This obviously applies to synchronized swimming as well.)
The 2008 Presidential Election is one of the most highly anticipated elections ever. Certainly it’s the biggest election of our lifetimes (“our” meaning young people).
Over the next few months, as the election draws nearer and nearer, you’re going to hear a lot of talk about how important voting is. I’m sure you’re familiar with past campaigns such as “Vote or Die,” “Choose or Lose,” “Rock the Vote,” etc, that tried to encourage and inspire people to go out and vote. This year will be no different. In fact, I would anticipate that in the coming months we’ll see the most intense and far-reaching voter registration campaigns this country has ever seen. You’ll be inundated with information about the importance of voting, and how voting is one of your civic duties.
I’m here to offer a slightly different take:
Don’t vote.
Seriously.
Now before you jump to conclusions or start screaming about how it’s our duty as an American to vote, hear me out…
Voting is an incredibly important responsibility. The Presidents we elect not only must rule this country, but they become de facto leaders for the entire world. Furthermore, the person we elect this coming November may face a more difficult predicament than any President in history. We live in a time of economic and social crisis. It’s an age of terrorism and war, where the reputation of the U.S. is constantly slipping downward. There has never been a more important election than this. And since living in a Democracy means that people choose the leader, that means all the power lies with you. Voting is a huge responsibility.
You’re not worthy of that responsibility.
Why? Because you’re an idiot.
Now don’t take that personally. I don’t mean you’re Corky from “Life Goes On” retarded or anything. I just mean that you lack the necessary information to cast an intelligent vote. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you have all the facts, and you’re ready to get out and rock the vote this November. If so, hey, congratulations. You’re part of a vast, vast minority in this country that knows what they’re doing. The U.S. has about 300 million citizens, and of those, 16 are qualified to vote. Alright, so I made that number up, but seriously, it’s really low. Even if it’s half (150 million), which I think is extremely generous, that means there are a ton of unqualified people out there tainting the voting pool every election.
Each election, a lot of Americans don’t vote.
And that, my friends, is a good thing.
I have a friend, who shall remain nameless. The other day she told me she was originally planning to vote for Barack Obama, but since he has worn a few ugly ties recently, she’s thinking of changing her vote. This is a girl who is basing her upcoming vote on a candidate’s choice of ties. Her vote counts exactly the same as yours.
A few years ago, Britney Spears gave an interview in which she said, “I love seeing my fans overseas, especially in Canada.” Britney Spears gets to vote this November, and her vote will count exactly the same amount as every other American’s. James Carville is a political mastermind who might know more about politics than anyone on Earth, but his vote will count exactly the same as Britney Spears’.
I once heard a story of someone voting for John Kerry because Ben Affleck said to. I know someone who said they’ll always vote Republican regardless of candidate because they’re anti-abortion, and when I asked them if they’d still vote Republican even if Hitler were running for the party, they just shrugged and said “I don’t know.”
We’re going out of our way to get these people to vote?
I know what you’re thinking: These are extreme examples, and these people are idiots. That’s where you’re wrong. All of the people mentioned in the previous examples are normal people of average to above-average intelligence. Well, except for Britney Spears. But still, you think you’re better or smarter than them. Maybe, but most people aren’t. Two-thirds of people can’t find Iraq on a map; 33% can’t find Louisiana. There are people that don’t even know who the current President is. OK, so we all know there are some true idiots out there, and you’re light years beyond them… but how much do you really know about the election? Can you tell me where Barack Obama stands on various issues without looking it up on Google? Can you name 4 things that John McCain wants to accomplish if he’s elected? Can you tell me your stance on anything without copying something you heard on “The Daily Show” or “Fox News?”
I don’t think you can. Well, maybe YOU can, because if you read this website you’re obviously really smart, but can everyone in this country really be trusted with a vote?
The upcoming election involves many important issues. All of these issues require a complex examination. There are no easy answers. Solutions vary from week to week as the world changes and new circumstances arise. To understand politics requires not only a certain initial mental capacity; it requires that you pay constant attention as well.
Based on the news lately, here are some thing your average citizen is concerned about when it comes to the ’08 election: John McCain’s age, something Barack Obama’s minister once said, some quote Obama’s wife said awhile back, whether McCain’s wife was addicted to pills… the list of pseudo-issues goes on.
Some of that stuff might matter a little, but the point is this: People with diehard party allegiances aside, most voters just pick based on a gut feeling. And unless we’re incredibly knowledgeable about politics, unless we’ve spent countless hours studying the positions and policies of BOTH candidates, unless we have an in-depth knowledge of all the issues and what it will take to solve them, unless we’re unbiased and free from personal agendas or vendettas, then our gut feeling is going to be wrong. You could pick the better person, but unless you picked them for the right reasons, it’s not Democracy, it’s just luck. The average person who goes to a voting booth is like a blindfolded kid swatting at a piñata at a Cinco de Mayo party. You might get some candy, but you also might whack Uncle Jimmy in the temple with a baseball bat. Is that how we should pick the most powerful man on the planet? You might as well put two bowl of cat food on a table, with one candidate’s name on each, and let a kitten decide.
What we need is a pre-voting test. Everyone who wants to vote should be forced to take a test when registering. People who score well enough and know what they’re doing get one vote. People with an exceptional political knowledge — like say James Carville — get two votes. People who cast their votes based on wardrobes, celebrity advice, or any other retarded reason get zero. People who can’t name the President get shipped off to Cuba on a raft. And not the nice part of Cuba, either. The bad part.
Unfortunately in a Democracy we have to treat everyone as equal, even when they’re not, so that will never happen. So, the next best and most honorable thing you can do as a voter is to admit when you don’t know shit, and concede that you shouldn’t vote. Then follow through with that thought, and instead of voting this November, sit on your ass and watch “Simpsons” reruns. Because dammit, that’s something you are qualified for!
This isn’t about preventing anyone from voting. I would never do that. This is about giving up the quest to make every single person vote. This is about encouraging the unqualified to take some personal responsibility and realize that they shouldn’t be in a voting booth this November. Regardless of what the activists tell you, there’s no shame in not voting. It’s a hell of a lot tougher to admit your limitations and skip the election than to be a lemming and cast an uneducated vote because it’s the “right” thing to do.
Anyone can claim that his or her vote matters.
It takes a real man (or woman) to admit that their vote doesn’t mean dick.
If you’re not educated about politics, don’t vote. If you’re unaware of the issues, don’t vote. If you have no strong feelings about either candidate, don’t vote. If you’re voting for someone you don’t care about simply because he’s the lesser of two evils, don’t vote. If you’re voting for someone because of gender or race, don’t vote. If your candidate lost the primary and you’re just voting for whoever won the nomination for their party, don’t vote. If you’re voting for someone because they’re taller or better looking than the other guy, don’t vote. If you’re voting because someone told you “if you don’t vote, you can’t complain,” don’t vote (and then complain anyways)! If you’re voting for someone because your favorite celebrity endorses them, for God’s sake, DON’T VOTE! ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER TO NOT VOTE THIS ELECTION!!!
Those of you who are well educated, understand the political process, realize what each candidate brings to the table, and then make a rational decision based on the information at hand, good for you. Enjoy casting your vote this November.
The rest of us, let’s just tell the boss we’re going to vote and go catch a matinée of Batman instead. It’s better for society, and let’s be honest, we’ll enjoy it way more.
According to a new story on CNN, men will be the deciding demographic in the 2008 election. You may recall the last election in 2004, when soccer moms were declared the most important demographic for politicians.
Now, it’s the men’s turn. And I say, it’s about goddamn time. Seems like women have been deciding elections since this country was formed. At least I think that’s what I learned in history class. I don’t know. I’ll be honest, I spent most of my time in that class staring at Lisa Woods. We were just freshmen but her breasts were already developing at a sophomore level. I’ll always remember you, Lisa.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, men will decide the election.
I’m a man, and my vote is still up for grabs. So with that in mind, I submit to both candidates the following questions. These are about issues that I believe all men are interested in. If men are truly going to decide the ’08 election, I suggest you candidates think long and hard about your stance on these critical issues…
-What’s the best “Seinfeld” episode?
-Golden Tee or Buck Hunter?
-Jessica Simpson x3 or Carrie Underwood x4?
-Do you believe in the merits of changing your own oil or do you feel that advances in technology and customer service have made quick-change franchises like Valvoline more efficient and thus a viable alternative?
-True or false: Using Axe Body Spray instead of showering on a Sunday is perfectly acceptable.
-Let’s say Girl A is a 10 personality and a 6 in looks and Girl B is a perfect 10 in looks but a 4 for personality. Who would you rather date, and why?
-Tom Brady: Big douche or coolest guy ever?
-What is your stance on cockblocking? Do you agree with the longstanding traditional belief that cockblocking is unacceptable under any circumstances, or do you think it becomes OK when the chick is, like, really ugly?
-If you could play any one 1990s one-hit wonder rap song to get a party started, which one would it be?
-What is your opinion on the current BCS system versus a potential playoff? When answering, please discuss how the outcome of the 2004 season would have been better or worse given your solution.
-You’re at the bar and you have $10 dollars left in your wallet. Beers are $4 and a cab ride home is $7. What do you do?
-True or false: “Road House” is the greatest movie ever
Answer wisely, gentlemen. And yes, there are wrong answers.
Liberals across America are annoyed at Fox News this week. Wait, no, that doesn’t sound right. I better double-check my source. Hmm, yep, apparently that’s right, liberals are annoyed at Fox News. Surprising.
Anyway, the reason people are upset is because, during its coverage of the 2008 Presidential Race, Fox News referred to Barack Obama’s wife Michelle as “Obama’s Baby Mama.”
You can watch the video here, but it’s really a waste of time because the reporter never even says the phrase. It’s the caption – pictured above – that is getting everyone fired up. I watched the whole 4-minute video before realizing the caption was even there, and lucky for me the anchor is pretty hot (she kinda looks like the chick from “Knocked Up”) otherwise that would’ve been the biggest waste of time ever. I mean, who wants to watch a news anchor and a blogger have a discussion? If I cared about that, I would have called that NY1 anchor back and agreed to do that piece on pedophilia. Wait, was that out loud? Shit.
People will decry the “Obama’s Baby Mama” caption as unprofessional and possibly even racist. But I took a few classes on the subject, and I have say, it’s actually solid journalism. You see, they teach aspiring writers about things like alliteration and clever word play, and it doesn’t get any more clever than “Obama’s Baby Mama.” Take a look at the repetition of letters and vowel sounds, and note the way the phrase really slides off the tongue. “Obama’s Baby Mama.” It’s fun to say. Try it. “Obama’s Baby Mama.” See, doesn’t that feel good? Yeah. You love it. Oh sure, Michelle Obama is an intelligent, independent woman, not the type of skank for whom the term “baby mama” is generally reserved. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from politics, it’s that you should just go along with what sounds good and not worry about stupid things like “meanings” and “facts.” Plus, I was listening to this Kanye West song, and from what I gathered, once Barack Obama wins the Presidency, he’s going to leave Michelle for a white girl, so, you know, she could become a “baby mama” yet. Fox News: Unprofessional, or visionary? Stay tuned.
[Ed. Note: This story was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in November of 2007.]
Green Day front man Billie Joe Armstrong recently interviewed with Rolling Stone, and the questions turned political. For those who — somehow — don’t know, Green Day released an album called American Idiot in 2004. You may have heard this album when it was being played on radio, on TV, online, in grocery stores, at bowling alleys, at your grandma’s house, at the DMV, or in some cases, when it was being streamed directly into your brain. The album was extremely anti-George Bush, prompting this question/answer exchange:
Do you think selling nearly 6 million copies of that album might have an effect on the 2008 election? A kid who bought it at fifteen will be voting age next year.
I hope so. I made it to give people a reason to think for themselves. It was supposed to be a catalyst. Maybe that’s one reason why it’s difficult for me to write about politics now. A lot of things on that record are still relevant. What needs to happen is a complete change, a person coming from the outside with a new perspective on all the fucked-up problems we have.
RS also asked Billie Joe what kind of future he expected for his children, and Armstrong responded that the Iraq War had to end before any major improvements could take place. He added that the lack of a draft is why kids didn’t “give a shit” and would “rather watch videos on YouTube.”
Umm, nice try, but I looked up Iraq War on YouTube and found this video that had 473,257 views. Don’t hate our generation just because we know how to have our cake and eat it too. Of course, the video only had 6 comments, so maybe Armstrong has a point, although personally I think it just needed a better background song or a piano-playing cat.
On a political note, do you realize that, if things happen a certain way, there could be 28-year olds in 2016 who have never seen a President not named Bush or Clinton? I don’t really care, I just think that’s interesting. When asked who he supports in the 2008 race, Armstrong said he’s leaning toward Barack Obama right now, but that it’s still too early for him to make a decision. That’s the thing about these elections; they start out with a bunch of people, you get attached to one, and then your candidate loses the primary and disappears from your life forever. It’s kind of like dating George Clooney. That’s right, Clooney, I know your game, and if you don’t call my sister back then I will never buy a hybrid car.
Predictions For The 2008 Election
