In the mid-90s, an East Coast vs. West Coast feud developed in rap music, focusing mainly around Tupac (from California) and Notorious BIG (from New York). The feud started with verbal sparring, then evolved into shootings, then into diss tracks, and finally the death of both rappers.
Only in rap would diss tracks be considered worse than shootings, but whatever, the point is that this feud defined rap music in the 90s. Unfortunately other rappers took notice of the popularity Tupac and Biggie gained during their feud. Though feuding did decline somewhat, a number of up-and-coming rappers began adopting a gangsta attitude and creating their own feuds so as to emulate the success of Biggie and Pac.
There has never been another feud quite like the East Coast-West Coast feud in rap music. Oh sure, VH1’s “Top Feuds” countdown show will tell you that Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff’s catfight over the love of Aaron Carter was worse, but I disagree. Call me a feuding purist, but when guys get killed in drive-bys, I consider that worse than two skanks fighting over a white boy band rapper. What can I say, I’m old fashioned like that. Oh by the way, I’m not making this up, VH1 really did call Lohan-Duff a worse feud than Biggie-Pac. But that’s irrelevant.
The reason I bring this up is because I believe we are headed toward another massive feud involving prominent figures in the media world. Only this time, it’s going to be an all-out, verbally sparring, diss track making, blood-shedding, East Coast-West Coast feud… between journalists.
Oh yes, journalists are the new gangsta rappers.
There used to be a time when being a journalist meant checking with multiple sources and reporting facts in an unbiased manner. Those days are over. Newspapers are cutting staff and traditional journalism is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. However, despite what some people might tell you, journalism is not going to die. There will always be a demand for news. In fact, I would argue people these days have a more insatiable appetite for news than ever. In the age of the Internet, when everything is old after 24 hours, we need new news and we need it more than ever. Blogs can be interesting, but most of them just take a story from a more traditional news outlet and then put their spin on it or make stupid jokes. You still need journalism. After all, you can’t write a blog post about Barack Obama gaining in the polls and gettin’ ready to leave Michelle for a white girl if someone doesn’t first report on Barack gaining in the polls.
On the other hand, people don’t want journalistic integrity. They say they do, but their actions don’t reflect it. People just want someone to tell them what they already believe. Look at the news shows that have gained popularity in recent years: The Daily Show, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Maher, Hannity & Combs, etc etc. All these shows do is take news and frame it in a way where it perfectly matches their audience’s worldview. You technically get the news, but mostly you’re just being entertained or listening to someone you agree with.
So here’s what the field of journalism is coming to: Reporters that are half traditional journalist and half opinionated blogger. They go out and do the research and find out the facts, then spin those facts to appease their audience while making a bunch of jokes about Britney Spears and Kegel exercises. They’re half Bob Woodward and half Jon Stewart. Half journalist and half blogger.
And that’s how the bloodshed begins. I don’t know if you know this, but bloggers are some of the cockiest people on Earth. They think they’re part of some awesome movement, they think they’re single-handedly responsible for killing the newspaper industry, they think that every time they call Ted Stevens a douchebag they are literally performing the most important act ever, and that yet, despite all of this, they still think they are vastly under appreciated. And here’s the thing: Bloggers don’t actually do anything. Trust me, it used to be my job. It’s a joke. You set up an RSS feed for all the major news sites, then every day when you get to work at 10:30AM, you scan through the list to see if anything is conducive to dick joke making. Then you write a couple posts in between watching every new music video on YouTube and claiming it’s for “research.” That’s your job.
So if bloggers think they’re so great now, wait until they’re actually reporting on something. Wait until they are doing the legwork and discovering the facts and breaking exclusive stories. The hubris will be off the charts. Not to mention these new journalist/bloggers are gaining more mainstream attention by the day. Soon blogger ego will be equivalent to Tupac ego in 1996. And since we know that bloggers love to rip everything to shreds, and nothing is off-limits, including other bloggers, it’s only a matter of time until one of these new age journalists says something over the line and begins a feud with another journalist. It might even start with something innocent. Journalist A, of the L.A. Times, questions one of Journalist B’s articles in the Washington Post. Journalist B gets pissed and writes in his online blog that Journalist A sucks and has no business questioning him. Journalist A releases a podcast saying that Journalist B isn’t even on his level, and then Journalist B responds with a magnus opus in the Sunday paper titled “Journalist A is an Incompetent Reporter, and That’s Why I Fucked His Bitch.” This causes Journalist A to unleash a cryptic viral video that’s just a picture of a Glock with gunshot noises and the words “You Done Fucked Up Now, Mothafucka.” Next thing you know, Journalist A is found dead, covered in screenshot print-outs of his original article, Journalist B goes missing, only to have pictures of his bloody corpse surface on a social networking website 3 days later, and we’re engaged in a full-scale East Coast-West Coast journalism feud. Reporters from the New York Times refuse to travel to California to cover stories, and employees of the Oakland Tribune know not to cross the Mississippi. Reporters in Houston are forced to pick sides and staffs are divided, brother against brother. Editors at the Portland Oregonian start to publish pre-emptive obituaries for editors at the Raleigh News & Observer, and vice versa. Deaths within the journalism world skyrocket as parents blame reporting for their kids’ problems, while talking about the good old days when newspapers used to talk about something real instead of just bragging about guns, cars and bitches.
My point is, all you kids out there who are just entering college, you might want to consider a career in accounting. New age media ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.
I don’t know if you pay close attention to NASA and our country’s space program. If not, you should be, because space exploration is one of the most intriguing and relevant topics facing our society today.
I’m just kidding. Outer space sucks. It’s nothing but a bunch of blackness, flying rocks and flashing lights. If you want to see that, you… well we all know there’s a Source Awards joke coming here so let’s just move on…
I stumbled across an article recently that claimed scientists are close to discovering Earth’s “twin planets.” According to legend, there are a few yet-to-be-discovered planets in the galaxy that closely resemble Earth in terms of atmospheric properties and proximity to stars. Not sure why they’re called “twins” if there’s a bunch of them, but whatever. The point is, this news brings us one step closer to discovering alien life, every NASA employee’s wet dream.
Everyone thinks the discovery of aliens is going to be so awesome. We’ve seen so many movies like ET and Independence Day, we assume discovering aliens will lead to either hyper intelligent beings helping us to advance or own society, or an interstellar war for domination of the galaxy. We think aliens will show us amazing new technology or use amazing new technology to blow us up. Either way, we think that’s cool.
I don’t doubt that there could be life on other planets. I’m not saying it’s definite, but it’s possible. Given the vastness of the universe and the fact that all planets essentially formed in the same manner — rocks crashing together — it’s highly possible that somewhere out there, some planets have an atmosphere that will sustain life. They’ve found water on one of Saturn’s moons, so there could be aquatic life (or maybe it was Jupiter; who gives a fuck?). Aliens could definitely exist.
However, I think we have seriously underestimated the odds of those aliens sucking. We search for life on other planets, but we don’t consider the possibly that maybe we don’t want to meet whatever’s out there. Aliens could be annoying. They could be dicks that try to attack us. They could see Earthlings, and believe that we’re the evil aliens, and attack us in self-defense.
Most likely, they’ll just be boring. There’s a very good chance that aliens aren’t as advanced as humans. Maybe they’re primitive creatures that can’t communicate. We’d essentially be traveling 50,000 light years to find a groundhog. Even if aliens are as advanced as, more advanced than, or exactly like humans, they’re not gonna speak English. Best case scenario, they’ll communicate through a series of clicks, like those African tribes. Then we’ll have to take 30 more years to fly an African click language translator over to galaxy XQ78, star 3B, planet 14. In reality, if aliens do communicate, they’ll probably have some method of communication that we could never possibly understand. Like maybe in alien culture, blinking seven times in rapid succession means “go to the bathroom before we head over to Uncle Steve’s house.” Or maybe waving hello and reaching for a handshake is their international sign for “I come to destroy your culture, you worthless fucks.” I don’t know why we expect to walk right up to aliens and start talking about their life. Communicating with aliens is going to be like talking to a coyote or a tennis ball.
Furthermore, evolution is such a crazy process that no other planet could possibly have undergone the same exact pattern as Earth. So likely these alien forms aren’t even something we could try communicating with. Hell, we might not even realize they’re alive. Keep in mind, plants are living things. If an alien came to Earth, would he try talking to a tree? No, he’d just assume it was no different than a rock. In fact he’d probably think, “look at that tall rock with leaves on it!” He’d say that sentence in his alien language, but you get the point. What if alien “life” is like a plant? What if aliens are blobs of gel that slither around at .01 MPH? What if aliens are the exact same as clock radios, only they have a spleen instead of an AM/FM switch? I’m telling you, it’s gonna suck when we cross the entire galaxy and spend $50 billion to find a clock radio that performs photosynthesis.
Let’s assume we’re going to find aliens one day. The odds of there being unfathomable and unbreakable communication barriers between us and them, or no communication at all, thus rendering our discovery worthless, is 92%. The odds of an intergalactic war is 7%. The odds of them being really cool and telling us how to fix Earth’s problems is 0.00000001%. The remaining odds say they’ll be pretty decent, but have a few annoying quirks, like telling the same stories over and over and never getting to the stuff about laser beam technology.
Now, scientists are going to tell you that we can study and learn from alien life, regardless of what that life is. Don’t believe the hype. We’ve studied dolphins for like 30 years, and what have we learned? Nothing. Oh sure, we figured out that they communicate through some kind of sonar or sonic booms or whatever, but nothing we’ve learned is applicable to life in any way. It’s like my grandfather used to say, “Ain’t no dolphin gonna pay my electric bill.” My grandfather was an illiterate man, but his message was clear. We’re spending millions of dollars on our space program when the average American can’t afford their mortgage. And for what? To discover aliens who are going to inevitably suck? Screw that. Aliens are assholes. Oh, you might meet an alien, but then you give them your phone number and they never call.
1984 is one of the most famous novels ever written. It’s one of those books you don’t even have to read, because it has been referenced so often in print and TV that we all already know the entire novel. The book, written by George Orwell in the 1940s, portrays a future dystopia in which the government controls every aspect of life. History is edited to the government’s liking, citizens are inundated with propaganda, and everyone is under surveillance all of the time.
It’s now 2008, and it’s safe to say that Orwell’s vision hasn’t yet come true. You could argue that the seeds of 1984’s prophecy have been planted, and that Big Brother is prevalent (and not just in the form of a shitty reality show). That’s debatable. It’s also very safe to say that 1984 was an arbitrary date, and that Orwell was depicting a future that could still happen at any point. That’s less debatable. If there’s one problem that all depictions of the future share, it’s that they always pick a time in the too near present. If you don’t believe me, ask yourself this: Where are the hoverboards? That’s right, we were supposed to have that shit, like, eight years ago. I haven’t forgotten about that, Michael J. Fox, now give me my goddamn hoverboard.
I understand what Orwell was doing. A book called 2372 wouldn’t have instilled the same fear in people as 1984. Orwell knew the deal. But at the same time, the whole world doesn’t change in 40 years. Unless of course you live in the Middle East. Cause, you know, they always get new music 10 years late, and that means that Britney Spears and boy bands are about to sweep the region. Watch out, Middle East, shit’s about to go down.
Here’s the thing about 1984: I think it’s slowly happening. I think that by 2084, we could see a reality that’s very similar to Orwell’s vision.
BUT…
I don’t blame the government. I don’t think some secret society is trying to change history or keep us down. I don’t think some ultimate leader is sitting in front of a TV screen, controlling our futures, Matrix-style.
I think we’re doing it to ourselves.
How much of your personal information is on Facebook? MySpace? Twitter, Instant Messenger, chat rooms, blogs, etc etc? How many embarrassing pictures of you are there online? Every day, employers are looking up potential employees on Google and social media sites and disqualifying them based on what they find. Every day, people are searching for information on potential boyfriends/girlfriends and disqualifying them based on lists of their interests and favorite movies, or messages that they received from other guys/girls. Cell phones and Sidekicks are easily hacked. Even Sarah Palin’s private email was made public. So much of our daily communication is available to anyone with a computer. You can find something incriminating on anyone, if you really want to. And if not, then hey, just Photoshop something.
With Google Maps, you can get a glimpse of your own house from space. How long until Google Bedroom allows you to get a satellite view into the room of your favorite cheerleader? How long until Google Upskirt lets you sneak a peek at some young Madison Avenue professionals on their lunch hour? How long until Google Package gives you a look at the football team’s shower sessions, you pervert? How long until people wear electronic rings that automatically upload their every movement onto StalkMe.com? Don’t tell me these things wouldn’t be popular. And don’t tell me moral obligations would prevent someone out there from capturing a good business opportunity.
What about fashion? If you have a corporate job, there’s only so much leeway you have as far as your wardrobe. And have you been out to a bar lately? Everyone either wears A) jeans and a striped shirt, or B) a Vinnie Chase-style fashionable tight long sleeve or t-shirt. Frat guys all look the same (cargo shorts, t-shirt, baseball hat). Hipsters all look the same (thrift store clothing, hours put into making it look like they don’t care). Emo kids all look the same (black clothing, weird makeup, cuts on the wrists). Parents all look the same (and they just don’t understand). Now I’m not criticizing; It’s just that, when you consider that most of the country has only a few clothing stores to pick from, everyone’s going to end up looking the same. You’re an Old Navy guy or a Hot Topic chick, and there’s no other choice.
What about beliefs? Every day the number of extreme personalities seems to grow, while the number of people who consider various viewpoints declines. Democrats get their news from the Daily Show and never consider that maybe abortion might possibly be wrong. Republicans get their news from Bill O’Reilly and never consider that maybe gay people deserve to be married. Christians read those Revelations books and rest assured that God is coming back soon to save them from this heathen world. Kids who want to seem cool and intelligent bash Nickelback, ignoring the fact that they sound like every other “cool” and “intelligent” kid (and ignoring the fact that, while “Photograph” may be the worst song of the decade, “Breathe” and “Saving Me” are pretty decent). Everyone thinks that “Arrested Development” was the best TV show ever and that wearing a popped collar makes you a douchebag (the latter may be true, but the former is certainly up for debate). Everyone has an opinion, except those opinions are all the same.
We’re a long, long way from the dystopia of 1984. But the bottom line is, technology is advancing at an incredible rate, voyeurism is spiraling out of control and the general public piggybacks off of the opinions of a select few. The evidence points to a world where our entire lives are on display for the world to see. It points to a world where we know everything about everyone, even if we don’t care. It points to a world where people will be disqualified from jobs due to any slight imperfection, and average people will go to extreme lengths to avoid standing out from the crowd in any way. Those who do stand out will be ridiculed and called douchebags. It points to a world where we all watch reality TV, and then we all complain about how much we hate it. It points to a world where politicians and TV personalities re-write history, and then turn on the applause sign to the delight of their faithful followers. It points to a world where we applaud the amazing rate at which our society is advancing, and yet I still don’t have a goddamn hoverboard.
As you already know, today is the 7th anniversary of 9/11. Today you will be inundated by TV, radio and Internet stories reflecting on the tragedy. You’ll hear plenty of tales of grief, as well as stories about the American spirit and overcoming tragedy.
9/11 is the worst thing to ever happen to our country. However, there were a few small bright spots amongst the massive dark clouds. We’re a country that believes in hope, so today, while you’re mourning the tragedy, I think it’s important to remember that a few positives did come out of 9/11. Such as…
Our country started taking defense seriously
Before 9/11 you could sail a ship made of dynamite into any U.S. port and have 30 terrorists walk off carrying warheads and firing AK47s in the air while screaming in tongues, and no one would notice or care. After 9/11 we wised up and locked down our ports. We started looking after our bridges and tunnels, much to the delight of guidos from New Jersey who wanted to go clubbing in Manhattan on Saturday nights and totally couldn’t hook up cause “that bitch was ice cold.” We tightened airport security and gave “random” searches to every suspicious looking person (tough break, foreigners!). You can never be 100% safe but we’re better off than we were.
Hilarious country songs
Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You” is hands down the funniest song in the history of country music. It would probably be the funniest song ever if not for “Popular” by Nada Surf. Read the lyrics. Aside from the fact that he’s exploiting a national tragedy to get a hit song, which is funny in a “you’re a terrible person” sort of way, it’s also some of the worst lyrics ever written. The song won a bunch of accolades and received tons of airplay, but to quote Zoolander, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills, because the song sucks and the lyrics don’t make me feel patriotic or sympathetic in any way. The dude says in the chorus that he doesn’t know the difference between Iraq and Iran! I learned that shit in 2nd grade. In the midst of the worst tragedy ever, apparently Alan Jackson’s internal struggle was over whether to buy a gun or watch “I Love Lucy” reruns. It’s like he’s reading my mind!! And of course there was Toby Keith threatening to put a boot up terrorist’s asses, which… well… honestly Toby, that’s gonna be worse for you than it is for them.
Boost for miniature American Flag industry
Many businesses suffered after 9/11, but whatever industry makes those little flags you put on the antenna of your car was not one of them. Those things were everywhere. Some call it the golden age of miniature American Flag making. The yellow ribbon magnet industry was booming as well.
MTV played videos
No one wanted to do anything in the days following 9/11, which was understandable, but still, it made things pretty boring. Like everyone, I watched the news and was fixated on The 9/11 Movie for a couple days. But eventually you just couldn’t watch anymore. It was too depressing, plus they had shown every possible video clip and discussed every possible piece of information over and over. Everyone needed a change of pace. Fortunately MTV decided to be cool and show old music videos for about 2 weeks following 9/11. I got to see classics like Soundgarden and Nirvana, along with all kinds of rare stuff like Temple of the Dog and King Missile. Pretty much all I did in the week following 9/11 was to skip class, watch MTV and drink heavily. I mean, if I had that same week any other year, that would have been a great week. MTV also made U2’s “Walk On” the unofficial anthem for 9/11. “Walk On” was the best song off U2’s “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” album, but it had never gotten the publicity it deserved because of other hits like “Elevation.” MTV also helped promote Bruce Springsteen’s “The Rising,” which is an inspiring tune and one of my favorites by The Boss. This kind of stuff is obviously minor in the grand scheme of things, but don’t be fooled, little things like this do help people feel better during times of tragedy.
Acceptable to hate the Middle East
Let’s be honest, no one likes the Middle East. There are some good people there but the region as a whole sucks. They’re crazy conservative and they’re always fighting over piles of dirt. It’s called tolerance because we tolerate their asses, even though we all think they’re annoying. In the late 90s/early 00s, our country had gotten so PC it was ridiculous. Unless you thought the world was a paradise made of rainbows and butterflies where everyone should hold hands and sing “Kumbaya,” you were a terrible person. Then Drew Carey went on TV and called Arabs “towelheads” and Bill Maher rose to prominence with some non-PC remarks and the rest of the world followed suit and started saying what they really felt. I’m not advocating prejudice or stereotypes against any one group, I’m just saying that people should be free to express themselves and not have to worry about sugarcoating everything, and that we should build a giant bubble-dome over the entire Middle East and let the people there fight each other until they’re all dead, then turn the region into a spring break resort. That’s all I’m saying.
Ridiculously comical fear mongering
I was in college in Poughkeepsie (NY) during 9/11. My school was very liberal. In my first post-9/11 class, one of my professors said that we needed to be careful, because the terrorists could strike anywhere next, EVEN US!!! Everyone in the class nodded in agreement, except me and my one friend, who gave each other a “you have to be kidding” glance. Sure, terrorists could strike Poughkeepsie. And a football team can start off a game with a quadruple-reverse flee-flicker halfback option pass. That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Fear mongering was at an all-time high after 9/11, and people thought every U.S. city was a potential target. But in reality, not every city was in danger. And that’s one of the good things about 9/11. It finally gave people a reason to appreciate living in Poughkeepsie, NY.
Hilarious catchphrases
I still can’t figure out if “These Colors Don’t Run” refers to the U.S.’s policy of standing up to terrorism, or if it’s a reference to laundry. We may never know.
Respect for NYPD & NYFD
I like cops just slightly more than Ice Cube does, but the NYPD are the real deal. While suburban police are ticketing people for rolling through stop signs and breaking up high school parties, members of the NYPD are putting their lives at risk every day to stop real crimes and make New York the greatest city on Earth. The fact that New York has 7 million people in such a tiny area, and is still one of the safest major cities in the country, is a true testament to the fine work of the NYPD. And in my experience, no police force is better at keeping order while not harassing or trying to intimidate citizens. The NYFD is exceptional as well. Kudos to both of them.
The way people finally came together
I believe that people are genuinely good at heart (with the exception of murderers, rapists and that ilk). I think the reason people act poorly is because they become isolated from society at large and don’t have to deal with negative consequences of their actions. That’s why people are so much more vindictive online, where everything is anonymous, or why rich businessmen, who are allowed to get away with anything, often commit the worst acts. Meanwhile, people who live in a more interactive society, like a small Midwestern town for example, are much nicer. They know they’ll be held accountable for their actions, but they also genuinely care about their neighbors and friends. After 9/11, the entire country became a small town community. Everyone was nice. Everyone was patient. We all cared about each other and worked with each other and did what we could to help one another. We loved each other. Our old me-first way of thinking disappeared. Everything changed. The worst tragedy in our country’s history brought out the best in its citizens.
At least it did for like a month, until we all reverted back to our old ways and started shoving old ladies out of the way to get into the Old Country Buffet before 5PM so we could pay the lunchtime rate. Hey, I’m sorry, but fuck that bitch, I was here first.
As a writer who does lots of freelance work, I’m always paying attention to the job sites and the latest writing gigs. But lately I’ve noticed a disturbing trend. No one wants to writers anymore, because no one wants actual content anymore. Although any good marketer will tell you that “content is king,” website owners have shifted toward the idea of social media marketing.
For those of you who don’t know what social media is — we’re not all marketers after all — it’s pretty simple. Social media means sites like Facebook, MySpace and Twitter. It means themed social networks like Buzznet (for music fans) and LinkedIn (for business professionals). Basically it’s any site where the bulk of the content is provided by the site’s users, rather than employees of the site. And lately it has gone from a handful of well-designed websites like the aforementioned ones to a massive orgy of niche sites for every topic imaginable.
What this means for writers is that there are very few jobs left. The people who are hiring writers are usually paying extremely low rates while asking the writers to write about incredibly focused topics. For example, if you see a job ad looking for writers, it will probably say something like this:
“Seeking writers to write 300 word blog posts about self-cleaning oil tankers and their effect on the state of Wyoming. We will pay $2 per post. Tons of great exposure! Visit selfcleaningoiltankerwyoming.com to get a feel for our site then send us 7 free samples for our site so we can decide whether we want to hire you!”
When I first started seeing ads like this, I was frustrated. My immediate reaction was, “you mean you’re offering to pay me under minimum wage to write boring posts about something 3 people care about in order to gain ‘exposure’ on a site with half the traffic of my personal website, then rely on the comments of a bunch of people who are killing time at work to turn your site profitable?” It was annoying. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that everyone can offer an opinion on the Internet, but every tour should have a guide, you know what I’m saying?
Of course, eventually I realized I was wrong. Social media is the way of the future. Why hire one “professional” to do a job when you could get the opinions of thousands of everyday people instead? That’s why I suggest we immediately take social media marketing and translate it to other aspects of life. For example…
Social Media Movies - The problem with movies is, you didn’t write them. I didn’t write “Juno” and therefore it sucked!! Ever see “Good Will Hunting?” That movie was great, but what was up with the ending? It was all sad. What if you wanted a happy ending?! Happy endings are the best!! Well with the miracles of social media movies, you don’t have to worry about how well someone acts, or how good a script is, because you the moviegoer gets to act out the film in front of the theater and change the script however you see fit!! And if the other attendees don’t like it, they get to step in and change things. You can be whomever you want! I call dibs on being Will Smith!!! Shotgun!!!
Social Media Art - You know what sucks about Andy Warhol’s paintings? They weren’t painted by you!! But now with social media art, an artist draws a basic sketch (he gets no pay but great exposure!), and then we all take turns adding our own interpretations to the canvas. I’ll bring the finger paint if you bring the Crayolas!
Social Media Doctors - Why have one jackass doctor perform surgery on you? You’re only getting his opinion. What if he’s wrong? Everyone always talks about getting a “second opinion.” Well, how about a thousandth opinion!!! That’s right, we need a hospital where everyday folks take turns operating on you!! Hell, they can even provide the diagnosis too!! Your doctor thinks you have bronchitis? Well too bad, because our users voted in an online poll and you’re getting your foot amputated!!!
Social Media Politics - I don’t even need to explain this one because it’s already happening. Barack Obama is a walking viral YouTube video, and John McCain always talks about how he just works for the people. Joe Biden is a man’s man, and Sarah Palin gives hope to the common person that they too can be Vice President, much in the same way Kevin Federline gave hope to men everywhere that they too could marry a pop star. Who wants a jaded Washington insider anyways? Those people who have been serving the country for 30 years, they’re out of touch! We need to get the opinion of housewives in Kansas before we form our country’s legislation. We don’t need politicians, we need you! After all, you were Time Magazine’s Person of the Year in 2006!!
Social Media Construction - Everyone gets a turn at the jackhammer! Just watch out for falling debris, because by joining our team of construction experts, you have agreed to assume all responsibility for getting hit on the head with a cement block.
Social Media Piloting - Man, pilots are annoying. They just keep talking about what state you’re flying over, and when you should buckle your seatbelts. No one wants to hear that! With social media piloting, everyone gets a turn at the controls, and more importantly, at the loudspeaker. You want to tell that story about the time you beat Grand Theft Auto 3 in just twenty minutes while piloting a flight from San Francisco to Boston? You got it, buddy!!
Social Media School - You know what I hated about high school? Stupid teachers always telling you what’s right and wrong! What do they know? That’s why we need social media schools, where the students decide what’s right and what’s wrong. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves? Nope, sorry, we took a poll and it turns out it was Mike Hunt. Thanks for making our country so great, Mike Hunt! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to 8 study halls in a row. I love my schedule!!
You see how great social media can be? I can’t wait… I mean, umm, WE can’t wait for these changes to happen!!
With all this talk about Hurricane Gustav lately, you can’t help but think about the debacle that was Hurricane Katrina. The 2005 disaster not only destroyed one of the greatest cities in America, but exposed a massive class system divide that exists in our country. Remember Kanye’s “the President doesn’t care about black people” speech? That was hilarious. Not the racial injustice; that was bad. But the speech… priceless.
Anyway, I’m not here to expose injustice in our country. In fact I’m not here to expose anything at all. It’s not my place to discuss such a difficult and complicated issue, and plus, the judge told me last month that if I expose anything else I’m going to jail for 5 years. God, that 12-year old girl was such a tattle-tailing little bitch.
Where was I? Oh yes. I want to talk about the forgotten victim of Hurricane Katrina, and how that forgotten victim illustrates the indomitable American spirit (and to a lesser extent, the spirit of Britain).
Let’s say, hypothetical, you were part of a 1980s pop band. And let’s say you have one hit song, let’s say a power-pop ballad that, oh I don’t know, was featured on the “All Dogs Go To Heaven” soundtrack. You’d need a little luck to stretch that one-hit wonder status into a full-fledged career, right? Of course you would. But then, let’s assume a natural disaster came along and wiped out one of America’s favorite towns, and that natural disaster had a name that was extremely similar to your 80s band. Now, whenever people say your band’s name, they immediately think of a disaster that killed thousands of people and tore a country apart. Crazy, right?
Well, thus is life for the members of Katrina and the Waves.
Could you imagine being in that band’s predicament? When you write a pop song as catchy as “Walking On Sunshine,” you expect to milk that shit for the rest of your life. I know I would. Ideally you’d sit around waiting for producers of a Cameron Crowe movie set in the 80s to call and request that “Walking on Sunshine” appears on the soundtrack. However, since bills tend to pile up quickly, a more realistic strategy is to loan the song out to advertisers, thus fattening your bank account and saving you from having to get a job at Burger King. It’s a great strategy, since advertisers are willing to fork over huge sums of money for a song. And since branding is everything, what advertiser wouldn’t want customers comparing their product to the feeling of walking on sunshine? It’s a beautiful feeling, one that would make any rational person want to buy Charmin toilet paper instead of the store brand.
Now, what if, all of a sudden, the greatest natural disaster the United States has ever seen occurs, and its name just happens to be shockingly similar to your band? Now, no one can think of your band or your music without equating you to a horrendous disaster. It’s like starting a band pre-2001 called “The 9/11 All Stars,” or an early 1930s jazz group called the “Burning Hot Jews.” Terrible, and terribly unfortunate. Surely, no advertiser will ever use your song again, correct? Certainly you’ll be doomed to a life of menial corporate labor as your sure-fire cash cow is set out to pasture? Right?
It is at our darkest times when we must have the most faith.
This little pop band from the U.K. taught us a valuable lesson. Did Katrina and the Waves give in and change their name, or accept new lives as secretaries? No. They forged ahead, continuing to offer “Walking on Sunshine” to any advertiser looking for a bright, vibrant brand image. And did America give in and banish the song from radio and TV? Hell no we didn’t. Since Hurricane Katrina, Katrina and the Waves have been featured in a number of ad campaigns (guess which song!), for companies like Huggies and Claritin. “Walking on Sunshine” is also being used for an upcoming line of ads for the new Ford Flex crossover SUV.
I think it goes to show the real power of this country, and how we refuse to give up in the face of danger or disaster. Oh sure, Huggies could have chosen another 80s power-pop anthem for their ad campaign. They could’ve told you how Huggies flex-grip diapers provide an “Invisible Touch” that prevents them from sliding around on your baby’s bottom. Right now, you could be watching Ford Flex commercials where Billy Ocean tells you to get out of his dreams and into his car for only $1,000 down, now through Labor Day! But that’s not the American way, dammit! We don’t let a little thing like a natural disaster stop us from using bands with extremely similar names to said natural disaster in ad campaigns for prescription-strength over-the-counter medication! That’s something the Swiss would do! Those neutral pussies!
You know what? Throughout the course of America’s history, we haven’t always been walking on sunshine.
But damned if we’re not trying.
Fuck you, Switzerland. “Walking on Sunshine” would be perfect for Swiss Truffles, and you know it.
The 2008 Presidential Election is one of the most highly anticipated elections ever. Certainly it’s the biggest election of our lifetimes (“our” meaning young people).
Over the next few months, as the election draws nearer and nearer, you’re going to hear a lot of talk about how important voting is. I’m sure you’re familiar with past campaigns such as “Vote or Die,” “Choose or Lose,” “Rock the Vote,” etc, that tried to encourage and inspire people to go out and vote. This year will be no different. In fact, I would anticipate that in the coming months we’ll see the most intense and far-reaching voter registration campaigns this country has ever seen. You’ll be inundated with information about the importance of voting, and how voting is one of your civic duties.
I’m here to offer a slightly different take:
Don’t vote.
Seriously.
Now before you jump to conclusions or start screaming about how it’s our duty as an American to vote, hear me out…
Voting is an incredibly important responsibility. The Presidents we elect not only must rule this country, but they become de facto leaders for the entire world. Furthermore, the person we elect this coming November may face a more difficult predicament than any President in history. We live in a time of economic and social crisis. It’s an age of terrorism and war, where the reputation of the U.S. is constantly slipping downward. There has never been a more important election than this. And since living in a Democracy means that people choose the leader, that means all the power lies with you. Voting is a huge responsibility.
You’re not worthy of that responsibility.
Why? Because you’re an idiot.
Now don’t take that personally. I don’t mean you’re Corky from “Life Goes On” retarded or anything. I just mean that you lack the necessary information to cast an intelligent vote. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you have all the facts, and you’re ready to get out and rock the vote this November. If so, hey, congratulations. You’re part of a vast, vast minority in this country that knows what they’re doing. The U.S. has about 300 million citizens, and of those, 16 are qualified to vote. Alright, so I made that number up, but seriously, it’s really low. Even if it’s half (150 million), which I think is extremely generous, that means there are a ton of unqualified people out there tainting the voting pool every election.
Each election, a lot of Americans don’t vote.
And that, my friends, is a good thing.
I have a friend, who shall remain nameless. The other day she told me she was originally planning to vote for Barack Obama, but since he has worn a few ugly ties recently, she’s thinking of changing her vote. This is a girl who is basing her upcoming vote on a candidate’s choice of ties. Her vote counts exactly the same as yours.
A few years ago, Britney Spears gave an interview in which she said, “I love seeing my fans overseas, especially in Canada.” Britney Spears gets to vote this November, and her vote will count exactly the same amount as every other American’s. James Carville is a political mastermind who might know more about politics than anyone on Earth, but his vote will count exactly the same as Britney Spears’.
I once heard a story of someone voting for John Kerry because Ben Affleck said to. I know someone who said they’ll always vote Republican regardless of candidate because they’re anti-abortion, and when I asked them if they’d still vote Republican even if Hitler were running for the party, they just shrugged and said “I don’t know.”
We’re going out of our way to get these people to vote?
I know what you’re thinking: These are extreme examples, and these people are idiots. That’s where you’re wrong. All of the people mentioned in the previous examples are normal people of average to above-average intelligence. Well, except for Britney Spears. But still, you think you’re better or smarter than them. Maybe, but most people aren’t. Two-thirds of people can’t find Iraq on a map; 33% can’t find Louisiana. There are people that don’t even know who the current President is. OK, so we all know there are some true idiots out there, and you’re light years beyond them… but how much do you really know about the election? Can you tell me where Barack Obama stands on various issues without looking it up on Google? Can you name 4 things that John McCain wants to accomplish if he’s elected? Can you tell me your stance on anything without copying something you heard on “The Daily Show” or “Fox News?”
I don’t think you can. Well, maybe YOU can, because if you read this website you’re obviously really smart, but can everyone in this country really be trusted with a vote?
The upcoming election involves many important issues. All of these issues require a complex examination. There are no easy answers. Solutions vary from week to week as the world changes and new circumstances arise. To understand politics requires not only a certain initial mental capacity; it requires that you pay constant attention as well.
Based on the news lately, here are some thing your average citizen is concerned about when it comes to the ’08 election: John McCain’s age, something Barack Obama’s minister once said, some quote Obama’s wife said awhile back, whether McCain’s wife was addicted to pills… the list of pseudo-issues goes on.
Some of that stuff might matter a little, but the point is this: People with diehard party allegiances aside, most voters just pick based on a gut feeling. And unless we’re incredibly knowledgeable about politics, unless we’ve spent countless hours studying the positions and policies of BOTH candidates, unless we have an in-depth knowledge of all the issues and what it will take to solve them, unless we’re unbiased and free from personal agendas or vendettas, then our gut feeling is going to be wrong. You could pick the better person, but unless you picked them for the right reasons, it’s not Democracy, it’s just luck. The average person who goes to a voting booth is like a blindfolded kid swatting at a piñata at a Cinco de Mayo party. You might get some candy, but you also might whack Uncle Jimmy in the temple with a baseball bat. Is that how we should pick the most powerful man on the planet? You might as well put two bowl of cat food on a table, with one candidate’s name on each, and let a kitten decide.
What we need is a pre-voting test. Everyone who wants to vote should be forced to take a test when registering. People who score well enough and know what they’re doing get one vote. People with an exceptional political knowledge — like say James Carville — get two votes. People who cast their votes based on wardrobes, celebrity advice, or any other retarded reason get zero. People who can’t name the President get shipped off to Cuba on a raft. And not the nice part of Cuba, either. The bad part.
Unfortunately in a Democracy we have to treat everyone as equal, even when they’re not, so that will never happen. So, the next best and most honorable thing you can do as a voter is to admit when you don’t know shit, and concede that you shouldn’t vote. Then follow through with that thought, and instead of voting this November, sit on your ass and watch “Simpsons” reruns. Because dammit, that’s something you are qualified for!
This isn’t about preventing anyone from voting. I would never do that. This is about giving up the quest to make every single person vote. This is about encouraging the unqualified to take some personal responsibility and realize that they shouldn’t be in a voting booth this November. Regardless of what the activists tell you, there’s no shame in not voting. It’s a hell of a lot tougher to admit your limitations and skip the election than to be a lemming and cast an uneducated vote because it’s the “right” thing to do.
Anyone can claim that his or her vote matters.
It takes a real man (or woman) to admit that their vote doesn’t mean dick.
If you’re not educated about politics, don’t vote. If you’re unaware of the issues, don’t vote. If you have no strong feelings about either candidate, don’t vote. If you’re voting for someone you don’t care about simply because he’s the lesser of two evils, don’t vote. If you’re voting for someone because of gender or race, don’t vote. If your candidate lost the primary and you’re just voting for whoever won the nomination for their party, don’t vote. If you’re voting for someone because they’re taller or better looking than the other guy, don’t vote. If you’re voting because someone told you “if you don’t vote, you can’t complain,” don’t vote (and then complain anyways)! If you’re voting for someone because your favorite celebrity endorses them, for God’s sake, DON’T VOTE! ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER TO NOT VOTE THIS ELECTION!!!
Those of you who are well educated, understand the political process, realize what each candidate brings to the table, and then make a rational decision based on the information at hand, good for you. Enjoy casting your vote this November.
The rest of us, let’s just tell the boss we’re going to vote and go catch a matinée of Batman instead. It’s better for society, and let’s be honest, we’ll enjoy it way more.
I live in the NYC area, and the story that has been dominating the news lately is Alex Rodriguez’s divorce. For those who don’t know, the Yankee 3rd baseman allegedly cheated on his wife with Madonna. I’m not sure how the rumor started, mostly because I don’t care and I’m too lazy to look it up. But Madonna denied it (she would), and then another rumor came out that A-Rod’s wife was having an affair with Lenny Kravitz. Kravitz (obviously) denied this, but as we all know, people are going to believe an unsubstantiated rumor over a direct quote from someone involved any day of the week. I mean, this is America after all, you take your “facts” back to whatever Communist territory you came from. The result of all this A-Rod talk has been a mess of media coverage and 8 million terrible “American Woman” and “Material Girl” pun headlines. This is extremely upsetting to me, not because I give a shit about A-Rod, but because it’s another reminder that I’ve failed to achieve my calling as a bad pun headline writer. “A-Rod crosses over the Borderline with Madonna, Mrs. Rodriguez asks court for Holiday from Yankee star.” Come on, that’s gold! Why won’t anyone hire me?!
The reason this story has become so huge is because it represents a crossover between two hugely popular topics, celebrity gossip and sports. It’s similar to a hit rock song that crosses over and gets airplay on pop stations. Some might call it the “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” of extramarital affairs. The story has forced two distinct cultures — sports fans and gossip fans — to come together and form a chocolate-vanilla twist of intrigue.
I understand why celebrity gossip fans bashed A-Rod (they bash everyone). As for sports fans, at first I figured were just laughing at this story, but then I started seeing articles and TV shows about what a bad guy A-Rod is, and how this is such a horrible story. Is it that big a deal? A-Rod makes like 50 billion dollars a year, plus he’s traveling all the time. You wouldn’t cheat on your wife if you were him? Come on. Well, actually I wouldn’t, because I wouldn’t be stupid enough to get married in the first place if I was young and famous, but that’s beside the point. If I were A-Rod, I would spend every night bathing in a hot tub full of money with strippers, drinking Cristal. I’d show up wasted to every game, then throw my bat at the pitcher, and then start handing out VIP passes to attractive girls in the stands for the next cash-filled hot tub party. I love how millionaires who never had an ounce of responsibility in their whole lives are supposed to be role models. It almost makes me want to become rich and famous, just so I can actively try to be the worst role model possible. “Hi kids, I’m Tom Z, slugger for the New York Yankees. Today I want to talk to you about a very important topic: Cigarettes. They’re great. I love them. Mmmm, smoke in that tasty goodness. By the way, did everyone hear I fucked A-Rod’s wife? Yep.”
On to the main issue. This A-Rod/Madonna story is taking attention away from two much more important stories involving the Yankees, and I find it very sad. I’m not even a Yankees fan, but these stories are that great and deserve our full attention. They are…
#1 - A-Rod backing out of the Home Run Derby next week because he didn’t want it to “mess up his swing.” Everyone just sort of nodded and went along with that. The guy has been playing baseball since he was 6 years old. Is it really going to kill him to switch things up for one day? That’s like Amy Winehouse saying she doesn’t want to drink a 40 of Old English because it might mess up her crack smoking technique. This is the Home Run Derby, maybe the best part of the baseball season. It’s the final All-Star Game at the most historic stadium ever, and A-Rod is star of the home team. Him pulling out for bogus reasons is really just a “fuck you” to the fans. They might as well give out A-Rod middle finger bobble-heads to everyone. Enjoy your bobble-fingers, losers! The man’s marriage falls apart and everyone trashes him, but he gives fans the metaphorical finger and they don’t care. That’s like if some guy came to my house and raped my sister, and I was like, “s’all good bro-sama,” and then he scratched my Smashing Pumpkins CD and I shot him.
#2 - Secondly, and FAR more importantly, we are talking about A-Rod while one of the great moments in Yankees history is happening before our very eyes. That’s right, Jason Giambi’s mustache. It’s amazing. The dude looks like a 70s porn star. People are wearing fake staches to the games, the American Mustache Association is giving him an endorsement, they’re even flashing things like “The Power of the Stache” on the big screen during games. All that’s left is for them to play porn music as his batting music and it will be the funniest thing in baseball history. Imagine, Giambi walks up to the plate accompanied by two girls in bikinis as the loudspeaker is blasting “chicka chicka wah wah!” That’s history, folks. And we’re sitting here talking about A-Rod’s marriage. Priorities.
UPDATE: Apparently yesterday was “Support The Stache Day” at the Stadium. Maybe there’s hope for this country of ours after all.
I just read the most ridiculous story from the AP, and thought to myself, “I can’t believe anyone would do that.” Then I remembered this is America in 2008 and thought, “oh yeah, I’m surprised no one has tried that before.”
Let’s talk about it. A woman posted an ad on eBay, offering both her house and her hand in marriage as a package deal. Some guy agrees to buy her house, and he gets to marry her. It’s the perfect deal for a guy who wants love and a new place, right?
What makes this unbelievable is not that someone would try it (refer to paragraph 1). What’s truly amazing is how much of a rip-off this deal is. First off, the house is worth a little over $300,000, but the woman’s asking price is $500,000. So she’s looking to make quite a profit off the “love” portion of the deal. Come on lady, that’s lame. I mean, even J. Lo says her love don’t cost a thing. We all know it’s a lie, but the point is, you could at least fake it. Secondly, everyone knows this is a scam, right? Some guy is going to buy this house, then she’ll date him for like three weeks before saying that she doesn’t feel a connection, and that she’s terribly sorry for all the hardships she’s caused him throughout this ordeal, and that if he could just leave the check for the house on the dresser on his way out, that would be great. And she’ll miraculously have the world’s first ever three-week long period, so the guy won’t even get any action. Also, she’s a 42-year old divorced single mother. Which is fine, except it’s not exactly the type of resume that usually gets you a $500,000 signing bonus.
These are my favorite quotes from the story:
“I’m struggling… I don’t want to lose my house and I want to find somebody,” said Trabosh, who changed her name in the ad to Traboscia to keep people from finding her in the phone book. “So I came up with this dream plan because I’ve always dreamt about being a fairytale princess.”
“I’m not selling myself. I’m selling love”
Right. You have to love the media. The AP mentions how the woman didn’t want her name revealed, and yet reveals her name anyways. The fairytale princess thing is a reference to the title of her eBay post, which was — try not to laugh — “Marry a Princess Lost in America.” Hahahahahahaha. Oh sorry, I guess I couldn’t contain the laughter. I haven’t seen all the Disney movies, but I’m pretty sure there’s not one where Prince Charming comes from his castle on a white horse and lays down $500 G’s to marry a single mom in her 40’s and buy a South Florida condo. I’m sure there’s someone out there who is perfect for this woman, and I’m sure the house is lovely, but there has to be a better way of going about this.
Does anyone care about integrity anymore, or has the Internet made it so we all just do whatever we can to get noticed? I’ve spent the past couple years working on the Internet, and getting to know the in’s and out’s of the online business, and it’s incredible what some people will do to get attention (both individuals and businesses). Call me old-fashioned, but I’ve always thought it’s better to be a big fish in a little pond than to be a medium-sized fish in an ocean where companies have been dumping toxic waste for years and all the fish have six eyes and an arm growing out of their tail. You know what? Fuck it… I might as well jump on board. So here’s announcing, right now, the “Tom Z Ultra-Exclusive Super Special Package Deal.” For just $150,000, I will give you the rights to TakeThisSeriously.com and all of its back content with full resale rights, along with a Shoutmouth.com t-shirt, size L. Also, I will come to your house with a bottle of Yellowtail and watch a movie with you on a night of your choice. You might get a drunken hook-up out of the deal, but no promises, I’ll have to check you out first and make sure you’re a 6.5 or better. That’s the “Tom Z Ultra-Exclusive Super Special Package Deal”… just sign up below in the comments section.
[*Shirt size non-negotiable. Deal excludes weekends or holidays. Applicants not living in the tri-state area will also cover transportation costs for Tom Z’s trip to their house. Yellowtail will be provided free of charge. Movie choice is up to the applicant, but may not be anything starring Meryl Streep or Ryan Gosling. Attractive women preferred, and for God’s sake, no dudes.]
In this world of ours, there is no shortage of difficult issues. From poverty to war to an unfair class structure, there are too many troubling problems facing society today. And sadly, many young people just don’t care. Sure, they pretend to be interested in the issues, but when it comes time to take action, they simply turn away and keep a blind eye to the important topic at hand.
Fortunately, there is a way to reach the youth of the world. Yes, one method of communication has proven highly effective when it comes to reaching out and inspiring young people the world over.
And that, my friends, is rap music.
Young people are the future, and if we’re going to improve this planet of ours then we need the youth to be involved. In an effort to inspire, motivate, and solve all of the world’s most troubling issues, I have decided to get young people involved the only way I know how: By creating hot new rap lyrics.
This time we’ll tackle one of the world’s most pressing current issues…
High Gas Prices.
Hopefully the following made-up rap song will give you kids a new perspective and solve this issue once and for all.
*******************************
“F**k Gas Prices (F**k ‘em Real Good)”
by Yung Teezy
Every day I wake up and go ridin’ in my Hummer
I pass the gas station, can’t believe them fuckin’ numbers
$3.85, four dollas, $4.50 shawty
That’s a whole lotta money that I can’t spend on Bacardi
What’s a playa s’posed to do? How’s a real thug s’posed to shoot?
When an AK-47 cost less than the commute
To the gun store, where the prices always getting higher
You see them gas prices, they’s affectin’ the suppliers
To keep those trucks on the road, I’m paying extra tax on groceries
You expect me to cut back on Cristal, naw that ain’t cool B
So I stopped buying Magnums just to save a little income
Now I got 7 new mouths to feed, aww shit, son
Man fuck them gas prices
(Yeah fuck them real good!)
Man, fuck them gas prices
(Yeah fuck them real good!)
Man, fuck gas prices
Yeah fuck ‘em!!
So I complained and complained, but then I realized
Gotta shut my diamond-encrusted mouth and open my eyes
Gotta walk more, carpool, find a better way
Gotta consume less petroleum and way more Alizé
Gotta drive less, ride a bike, go out for less dinners
Gotta buy a Hybrid Escalade with some fly-ass spinners
Let’s improve our global standing, let’s stop acting like snitches
Let’s break our dependence on foreign oil and depend on foreign bitches
If we don’t make some changes, our money gon’ be dead
I’m-a save myself some coin by fucking ho’s on a moped
And with all these extra dollas in my pocket that keep forming
I’m-a make it rain, gonna stop global warming
We all gotta make changes, let’s all reach for the stars
Don’t want my 42 kids growin’ up in a world without cars
Let’s reject this agenda Exxon Mobil be sellin’
Let’s keep on ballin’ while we keep on yellin’…
Man fuck them gas prices
(Yeah fuck them real good!)
Man, fuck them gas prices
(Yeah fuck them real good!)
Man, fuck gas prices
Yeah fuck ‘em!!
Uhh, yeah, man, $4.08, $3.95, uhh, $4.12 up in this piece, shout out to my man corn oil, yeah, yeah, fuck them gas prices, uhh, all night long baby
The Impending East Coast-West Coast Journalism Feud
