Since I’m the All-American Guy (copyright 2003), I’ve obviously spent the bulk of my free time over the past week watching the Olympics. From the United States’ gymnastic performances to the Americans edging out the French in the swim relay, it’s been an exciting thrill ride.

However, one thing has disappointed me about the Olympics, besides the judges’ blatant favoritism of all China teams:

The synchronized diving.

Don’t get me wrong, I think synchronized diving is impressive. It’s exciting to watch two people become one, diving off a platform the equivalent of a 3-story building in unison. I couldn’t do a normal dive off the platform, let alone a double-twist-double-backflip. Honestly, if someone asked me to do a jackknife off the platform, I’d probably just curl up into the fetal position while crying and screaming “WHY COULDN’T I JUST DO ARCHERY?!?!?”

Here’s the thing about synchronized diving: It’s not fair to capitalists. The communist countries have a huge advantage. Just look at the teams that have dominated synchronized diving. China, Germany, Russia. Commie bastards, all of them. And of course they’ll have the edge. These people don’t just dive in unison, they live in unison. Every communist is like a gear in a giant machine; they’re used to having their actions being part of a larger synchronized movement. They’re used to having common goals. They’re used to moving together. Hell, communists are only one step above penguins. Meanwhile, the capitalist way of life is doing your own thing and kicking your mother in the head to get a nickel. We don’t work together, unless it’s part of a larger plan to eventually stab your alliance in the back (a la “Survivor”). How are we supposed to compete in synchronized diving? The event is second nature for the Communists. It’s like letting dolphins compete in the 400-meter freestyle. Now you might say that this is a tiny and inconsequential benefit to having their human rights violated on a massive scale, or that of the countries I mentioned, only China is truly Communist. But to that I would respond, “you’re just gonna let those fuckers have the gold? Maybe you’re a Communist too!” Then I’ll call up my friends in Congress and have you sent away on “vacation.”

If we’re going to just give these Commies a few free medals with synchronized diving, I think it’s only fair to add a few sports that capitalists can dominate. Something that requires capitalistic ideals like independent thought, artistic expression, free market and individualism. Like, I don’t know, an event where people run a quarter-marathon while writing a creative essay and convincing the crowd to give them money. And if an American doesn’t win the 10K Literary Panhandling Marathon in the 2012 Olympics, well then I’ll apologize and we can go back to the way it is.

(This obviously applies to synchronized swimming as well.)

I live in the NYC area, and the story that has been dominating the news lately is Alex Rodriguez’s divorce. For those who don’t know, the Yankee 3rd baseman allegedly cheated on his wife with Madonna. I’m not sure how the rumor started, mostly because I don’t care and I’m too lazy to look it up. But Madonna denied it (she would), and then another rumor came out that A-Rod’s wife was having an affair with Lenny Kravitz. Kravitz (obviously) denied this, but as we all know, people are going to believe an unsubstantiated rumor over a direct quote from someone involved any day of the week. I mean, this is America after all, you take your “facts” back to whatever Communist territory you came from. The result of all this A-Rod talk has been a mess of media coverage and 8 million terrible “American Woman” and “Material Girl” pun headlines. This is extremely upsetting to me, not because I give a shit about A-Rod, but because it’s another reminder that I’ve failed to achieve my calling as a bad pun headline writer. “A-Rod crosses over the Borderline with Madonna, Mrs. Rodriguez asks court for Holiday from Yankee star.” Come on, that’s gold! Why won’t anyone hire me?!

The reason this story has become so huge is because it represents a crossover between two hugely popular topics, celebrity gossip and sports. It’s similar to a hit rock song that crosses over and gets airplay on pop stations. Some might call it the “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” of extramarital affairs. The story has forced two distinct cultures — sports fans and gossip fans — to come together and form a chocolate-vanilla twist of intrigue.

I understand why celebrity gossip fans bashed A-Rod (they bash everyone). As for sports fans, at first I figured were just laughing at this story, but then I started seeing articles and TV shows about what a bad guy A-Rod is, and how this is such a horrible story. Is it that big a deal? A-Rod makes like 50 billion dollars a year, plus he’s traveling all the time. You wouldn’t cheat on your wife if you were him? Come on. Well, actually I wouldn’t, because I wouldn’t be stupid enough to get married in the first place if I was young and famous, but that’s beside the point. If I were A-Rod, I would spend every night bathing in a hot tub full of money with strippers, drinking Cristal. I’d show up wasted to every game, then throw my bat at the pitcher, and then start handing out VIP passes to attractive girls in the stands for the next cash-filled hot tub party. I love how millionaires who never had an ounce of responsibility in their whole lives are supposed to be role models. It almost makes me want to become rich and famous, just so I can actively try to be the worst role model possible. “Hi kids, I’m Tom Z, slugger for the New York Yankees. Today I want to talk to you about a very important topic: Cigarettes. They’re great. I love them. Mmmm, smoke in that tasty goodness. By the way, did everyone hear I fucked A-Rod’s wife? Yep.”

On to the main issue. This A-Rod/Madonna story is taking attention away from two much more important stories involving the Yankees, and I find it very sad. I’m not even a Yankees fan, but these stories are that great and deserve our full attention. They are…

#1 - A-Rod backing out of the Home Run Derby next week because he didn’t want it to “mess up his swing.” Everyone just sort of nodded and went along with that. The guy has been playing baseball since he was 6 years old. Is it really going to kill him to switch things up for one day? That’s like Amy Winehouse saying she doesn’t want to drink a 40 of Old English because it might mess up her crack smoking technique. This is the Home Run Derby, maybe the best part of the baseball season. It’s the final All-Star Game at the most historic stadium ever, and A-Rod is star of the home team. Him pulling out for bogus reasons is really just a “fuck you” to the fans. They might as well give out A-Rod middle finger bobble-heads to everyone. Enjoy your bobble-fingers, losers! The man’s marriage falls apart and everyone trashes him, but he gives fans the metaphorical finger and they don’t care. That’s like if some guy came to my house and raped my sister, and I was like, “s’all good bro-sama,” and then he scratched my Smashing Pumpkins CD and I shot him.

#2 - Secondly, and FAR more importantly, we are talking about A-Rod while one of the great moments in Yankees history is happening before our very eyes. That’s right, Jason Giambi’s mustache. It’s amazing. The dude looks like a 70s porn star. People are wearing fake staches to the games, the American Mustache Association is giving him an endorsement, they’re even flashing things like “The Power of the Stache” on the big screen during games. All that’s left is for them to play porn music as his batting music and it will be the funniest thing in baseball history. Imagine, Giambi walks up to the plate accompanied by two girls in bikinis as the loudspeaker is blasting “chicka chicka wah wah!” That’s history, folks. And we’re sitting here talking about A-Rod’s marriage. Priorities.

UPDATE: Apparently yesterday was “Support The Stache Day” at the Stadium. Maybe there’s hope for this country of ours after all.