In the mid-90s, an East Coast vs. West Coast feud developed in rap music, focusing mainly around Tupac (from California) and Notorious BIG (from New York).  The feud started with verbal sparring, then evolved into shootings, then into diss tracks, and finally the death of both rappers.

Only in rap would diss tracks be considered worse than shootings, but whatever, the point is that this feud defined rap music in the 90s.  Unfortunately other rappers took notice of the popularity Tupac and Biggie gained during their feud.  Though feuding did decline somewhat, a number of up-and-coming rappers began adopting a gangsta attitude and creating their own feuds so as to emulate the success of Biggie and Pac.

There has never been another feud quite like the East Coast-West Coast feud in rap music.  Oh sure, VH1’s “Top Feuds” countdown show will tell you that Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff’s catfight over the love of Aaron Carter was worse, but I disagree.  Call me a feuding purist, but when guys get killed in drive-bys, I consider that worse than two skanks fighting over a white boy band rapper.  What can I say, I’m old fashioned like that.  Oh by the way, I’m not making this up, VH1 really did call Lohan-Duff a worse feud than Biggie-Pac.  But that’s irrelevant.

The reason I bring this up is because I believe we are headed toward another massive feud involving prominent figures in the media world.  Only this time, it’s going to be an all-out, verbally sparring, diss track making, blood-shedding, East Coast-West Coast feud…    between journalists.

Oh yes, journalists are the new gangsta rappers.

There used to be a time when being a journalist meant checking with multiple sources and reporting facts in an unbiased manner.  Those days are over.  Newspapers are cutting staff and traditional journalism is rapidly becoming a thing of the past.  However, despite what some people might tell you, journalism is not going to die.  There will always be a demand for news.  In fact, I would argue people these days have a more insatiable appetite for news than ever.  In the age of the Internet, when everything is old after 24 hours, we need new news and we need it more than ever.  Blogs can be interesting, but most of them just take a story from a more traditional news outlet and then put their spin on it or make stupid jokes.  You still need journalism.  After all, you can’t write a blog post about Barack Obama gaining in the polls and gettin’ ready to leave Michelle for a white girl if someone doesn’t first report on Barack gaining in the polls.

On the other hand, people don’t want journalistic integrity.  They say they do, but their actions don’t reflect it.  People just want someone to tell them what they already believe.  Look at the news shows that have gained popularity in recent years:  The Daily Show, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Maher, Hannity & Combs, etc etc.  All these shows do is take news and frame it in a way where it perfectly matches their audience’s worldview.  You technically get the news, but mostly you’re just being entertained or listening to someone you agree with.

So here’s what the field of journalism is coming to:  Reporters that are half traditional journalist and half opinionated blogger.  They go out and do the research and find out the facts, then spin those facts to appease their audience while making a bunch of jokes about Britney Spears and Kegel exercises.  They’re half Bob Woodward and half Jon Stewart.  Half journalist and half blogger.

And that’s how the bloodshed begins.  I don’t know if you know this, but bloggers are some of the cockiest people on Earth.  They think they’re part of some awesome movement, they think they’re single-handedly responsible for killing the newspaper industry, they think that every time they call Ted Stevens a douchebag they are literally performing the most important act ever, and that yet, despite all of this, they still think they are vastly under appreciated.  And here’s the thing:  Bloggers don’t actually do anything.  Trust me, it used to be my job.  It’s a joke.  You set up an RSS feed for all the major news sites, then every day when you get to work at 10:30AM, you scan through the list to see if anything is conducive to dick joke making.  Then you write a couple posts in between watching every new music video on YouTube and claiming it’s for “research.”  That’s your job.

So if bloggers think they’re so great now, wait until they’re actually reporting on something.  Wait until they are doing the legwork and discovering the facts and breaking exclusive stories.  The hubris will be off the charts.  Not to mention these new journalist/bloggers are gaining more mainstream attention by the day.  Soon blogger ego will be equivalent to Tupac ego in 1996.  And since we know that bloggers love to rip everything to shreds, and nothing is off-limits, including other bloggers, it’s only a matter of time until one of these new age journalists says something over the line and begins a feud with another journalist.  It might even start with something innocent.  Journalist A, of the L.A. Times, questions one of Journalist B’s articles in the Washington Post.  Journalist B gets pissed and writes in his online blog that Journalist A sucks and has no business questioning him.  Journalist A releases a podcast saying that Journalist B isn’t even on his level, and then Journalist B responds with a magnus opus in the Sunday paper titled “Journalist A is an Incompetent Reporter, and That’s Why I Fucked His Bitch.”  This causes Journalist A to unleash a cryptic viral video that’s just a picture of a Glock with gunshot noises and the words “You Done Fucked Up Now, Mothafucka.”  Next thing you know, Journalist A is found dead, covered in screenshot print-outs of his original article, Journalist B goes missing, only to have pictures of his bloody corpse surface on a social networking website 3 days later, and we’re engaged in a full-scale East Coast-West Coast journalism feud.  Reporters from the New York Times refuse to travel to California to cover stories, and employees of the Oakland Tribune know not to cross the Mississippi.  Reporters in Houston are forced to pick sides and staffs are divided, brother against brother.  Editors at the Portland Oregonian start to publish pre-emptive obituaries for editors at the Raleigh News & Observer, and vice versa.  Deaths within the journalism world skyrocket as parents blame reporting for their kids’ problems, while talking about the good old days when newspapers used to talk about something real instead of just bragging about guns, cars and bitches.

My point is, all you kids out there who are just entering college, you might want to consider a career in accounting.  New age media ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

Money.  It’s what makes the world go round.  It’s the root of all evil.  It talks.

The reason there are so many clichés about money is because it’s one of the most talked-about topics on the planet.  Almost everyone needs money, almost everyone wants money, and absolutely everyone likes to discuss money.  Money is one of the foundations of society.

But you shouldn’t base your life around money.  Why?  Because if you do, you will eventually end up looking like these guys.  Yes, those guys in the picture above.  That picture was taken this morning on Wall Street, where the stock market made a record increase and might have just kicked off a comeback from one of the worst economic crises in history.

It’s a great thing for Wall Street and it’s a great thing for America.  But it’s not THAT great.  Check out the goofy smiles and the awkward thumbs ups.  They’re obviously screaming something too; I guarantee it involves the words “yeah” and “baby.”  Let’s cut to the chase:  They look like clowns.  Oh, that’s not a metaphor.  They actually look like circus clowns.

There are few situations in live where you’re allowed to be this over-the-top excited, and they are pretty much limited to:

-The birth of your first child
-Your son scores his first goal/touchdown/homerun/whatever to win the game
-Your daughter tells you she’s engaged to a doctor
-Your husband/wife awakes from a long coma, like in a Lifetime Movie
-You’re a Chicago Cubs fan and they finally win the World Series in 2037
-You attend a frat party and the hottest sorority on campus decides to have an impromptu wet t-shirt contest
-You get kicked in the face at a Slipknot concert and you need to let everyone know you’re alright
-Sarah Palin becomes President, your name is Todd Palin, and you just realized you’re about to have the greatest 4 years ever

That’s it.  And as you can see, none of those situations involve your portfolio having a tremendous day and slightly bouncing back from a massive previous downfall, thus leaving you still in the hole by a solid margin.

What you’re looking at are the smiles of two men who have based their entire life around money.  They’ve tied so much of their happiness to the accumulation of money that now they need money to experience even the slightest amount of joy.  I don’t care if I was living in a gutter somewhere, and out of nowhere some guy handed me a billion dollars, it still wouldn’t make me look like these guys.  Oh, I’d take his money, and I’d buy myself a yacht, and I’d hire a midget servant to pour Cristal over some naked strippers as a group of supermodels fanned me and fed me grapes.  But, and this I promise you, I would NEVER do the over-the-top smile combined with the awkward thumbs up while screaming “Yeah baby!”  Some things are more important than money, and not looking like a fucking clown is one of them.

[PS - Sorry the picture is so tiny.]

[PS 2 - What do you want to bet those guys in the picture are actually really great guys?]

As a writer who does lots of freelance work, I’m always paying attention to the job sites and the latest writing gigs.  But lately I’ve noticed a disturbing trend.  No one wants to writers anymore, because no one wants actual content anymore.  Although any good marketer will tell you that “content is king,” website owners have shifted toward the idea of social media marketing.

For those of you who don’t know what social media is — we’re not all marketers after all — it’s pretty simple.  Social media means sites like Facebook, MySpace and Twitter.  It means themed social networks like Buzznet (for music fans) and LinkedIn (for business professionals).  Basically it’s any site where the bulk of the content is provided by the site’s users, rather than employees of the site.  And lately it has gone from a handful of well-designed websites like the aforementioned ones to a massive orgy of niche sites for every topic imaginable.

What this means for writers is that there are very few jobs left.  The people who are hiring writers are usually paying extremely low rates while asking the writers to write about incredibly focused topics.  For example, if you see a job ad looking for writers, it will probably say something like this:

“Seeking writers to write 300 word blog posts about self-cleaning oil tankers and their effect on the state of Wyoming.  We will pay $2 per post.  Tons of great exposure!  Visit selfcleaningoiltankerwyoming.com to get a feel for our site then send us 7 free samples for our site so we can decide whether we want to hire you!”

When I first started seeing ads like this, I was frustrated.  My immediate reaction was, “you mean you’re offering to pay me under minimum wage to write boring posts about something 3 people care about in order to gain ‘exposure’ on a site with half the traffic of my personal website, then rely on the comments of a bunch of people who are killing time at work to turn your site profitable?”  It was annoying.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that everyone can offer an opinion on the Internet, but every tour should have a guide, you know what I’m saying?

Of course, eventually I realized I was wrong.  Social media is the way of the future.  Why hire one “professional” to do a job when you could get the opinions of thousands of everyday people instead?  That’s why I suggest we immediately take social media marketing and translate it to other aspects of life.  For example…

Social Media Movies - The problem with movies is, you didn’t write them.  I didn’t write “Juno” and therefore it sucked!!  Ever see “Good Will Hunting?”  That movie was great, but what was up with the ending?  It was all sad.  What if you wanted a happy ending?!  Happy endings are the best!!  Well with the miracles of social media movies, you don’t have to worry about how well someone acts, or how good a script is, because you the moviegoer gets to act out the film in front of the theater and change the script however you see fit!!  And if the other attendees don’t like it, they get to step in and change things.  You can be whomever you want!  I call dibs on being Will Smith!!!  Shotgun!!!

Social Media Art - You know what sucks about Andy Warhol’s paintings?  They weren’t painted by you!!  But now with social media art, an artist draws a basic sketch (he gets no pay but great exposure!), and then we all take turns adding our own interpretations to the canvas.  I’ll bring the finger paint if you bring the Crayolas!

Social Media Doctors - Why have one jackass doctor perform surgery on you?  You’re only getting his opinion.  What if he’s wrong?  Everyone always talks about getting a “second opinion.”  Well, how about a thousandth opinion!!!  That’s right, we need a hospital where everyday folks take turns operating on you!!  Hell, they can even provide the diagnosis too!!  Your doctor thinks you have bronchitis?  Well too bad, because our users voted in an online poll and you’re getting your foot amputated!!!

Social Media Politics - I don’t even need to explain this one because it’s already happening.  Barack Obama is a walking viral YouTube video, and John McCain always talks about how he just works for the people.  Joe Biden is a man’s man, and Sarah Palin gives hope to the common person that they too can be Vice President, much in the same way Kevin Federline gave hope to men everywhere that they too could marry a pop star.  Who wants a jaded Washington insider anyways?  Those people who have been serving the country for 30 years, they’re out of touch!  We need to get the opinion of housewives in Kansas before we form our country’s legislation.  We don’t need politicians, we need you!  After all, you were Time Magazine’s Person of the Year in 2006!!

Social Media Construction - Everyone gets a turn at the jackhammer!  Just watch out for falling debris, because by joining our team of construction experts, you have agreed to assume all responsibility for getting hit on the head with a cement block.

Social Media Piloting - Man, pilots are annoying.  They just keep talking about what state you’re flying over, and when you should buckle your seatbelts.  No one wants to hear that!  With social media piloting, everyone gets a turn at the controls, and more importantly, at the loudspeaker.  You want to tell that story about the time you beat Grand Theft Auto 3 in just twenty minutes while piloting a flight from San Francisco to Boston?  You got it, buddy!!

Social Media School - You know what I hated about high school?  Stupid teachers always telling you what’s right and wrong!  What do they know?  That’s why we need social media schools, where the students decide what’s right and what’s wrong.  Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves?  Nope, sorry, we took a poll and it turns out it was Mike Hunt.  Thanks for making our country so great, Mike Hunt!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to 8 study halls in a row.  I love my schedule!!

You see how great social media can be?  I can’t wait…  I mean, umm, WE can’t wait for these changes to happen!!

My friend Ray works for one of the “big three” accounting firms (PriceWaterhouseCoopers), and was recently asked if he would appear in a recruiting brochure targeted toward recent college grads. The brochure will feature his picture along with some “words of wisdom” to the grads.

Because he didn’t want to represent himself with some boring clichéd quote, or maybe because he’s just lazy, Ray asked me to write the words of wisdom for him.

Here’s what I sent him:

“The key to succeeding in the real world is networking. And there’s no
better place to network than at happy hour. In fact, I got my job by
networking quite frequently. I think. I can’t really remember.”

“All of your classes are important, but you should especially pay attention in math. Great math skills are critical in the real world. 5/4 of people don’t understand that.”

“Just because your college days are coming to an end doesn’t mean your
education has to stop. Life is a constant pursuit of knowledge. For
example, yesterday I learned that I could shake the PWC vending machine and get free Snickers. I never knew that before.”

“Despite what you hear, I think you’ll find that the real world is actually a step up from college. First off, you can finally begin pursuing the dreams that you’ve had since childhood. Secondly, you can stop drinking Natty Light.”

And here are a couple more I just made up:

“If you thought picking up college girls was easy in college, you can’t imagine how easy it is once you have a good job like the ones here at PWC. All you have to do is flash an open wallet with $80 in it and the bitches will be all over you. Don’t get me wrong, the drunkenness still helps, but the job is key. And don’t worry about being able to find college girls in the real world. We have interns. Lots of them.”

“You probably think that sleeping until noon every day, partying 5 nights a week, and hanging out all day doing nothing is way better than working life will ever be. And you’re right. But unfortunately you don’t have a choice, so shut the hell up and get a job… at PWC!!”

It’s important that these kids have some guidance, don’t you think?

I was reading an article on MSN earlier titled “Will Our Kids Be Dumb & Broke?,” and it really made me think about… umm… something, I guess. I don’t know, I was too busy sending my bank account info to this chick Natasha. She’s from Russia, we met on Craigslist. She’s totally hot for me, but she can’t afford a plane ticket to America. So she asked if I could loan her $2000… I know, I know, it’s a lot of money, but the minute her plane lands in New York I’m sure it’ll seem like a small price to pay for discovering true love. Anyway, I didn’t completely grasp the idea of this article, but I think it was something about how young people make unwise decisions with money.

This is a topic that most people can relate to. Older people always talk about how they wish they made smarter decisions when they were younger. Most of the time this is just old people being jealous of young people and trying to trick us into acting “responsible.” Responsibility is just old person speak for “lame,” so it’s usually best to ignore the advice of your elders at all times. But once in awhile, adults are right about stuff. And one piece of advice that most adults agree on is that you need to save money starting right after college. If you wait until your 30s or later to start saving, you’ve already missed your greatest chance to build wealth.

The problem with this concept, of course, is that stuff is expensive. Everything costs money. Think about it: You can barely leave the house without paying. It costs money to drive anywhere. You can’t go to bars or restaurants without running up a solid tab. Movies are expensive, as is a cable bill. There is nothing free you can do for fun (at least nothing worth doing). Even when something is free, like say going to a public beach, they’ll hit you up for parking or find another way to get money out of you. Oh sure, technically there are free things you can do, like going for a walk, but if walking was so great then why did God invent cars? Yeah, exactly.

They say you should budget 50% of your income for fixed bills – rent, car payments, insurance, student loans, etc – and save the rest for leisure activities, food and emergencies. For most young people, especially those of us who live in urban areas, that’s just not realistic. Rent and the costs of owning a car are especially high these days, so even on a decent income, after they’ve paid fixed bills, many people have far less than 50% left over. Finding money to save usually means cutting into your disposable income; in other words, it cuts into your fun.

But I’m not complaining. I make a reasonable living and my life is non-stop fun, so I’m in no position to complain. This is just a set up for another one of my crazy theories.

Here it is: I don’t think fun should be treated as a bonus, reserved for times when you have enough disposable income. I think fun is a necessary cost of living. I think spending money on fun is as important – if not more – than things like rent and car payments. Now, you can’t be stupid about it. You have to have a place to live, and you have to buy food. But if I had a choice between a great apartment and a boring social life, or an average apartment and a great social life, I’ll take the latter every time. And when it comes down to either saving for retirement in your 20s, or being able to go out and have fun whenever you want, I think you have to go with fun.

Sure, you could cost yourself hundreds of thousands of potential dollars in your 401K by not saving right out of college, but if you’re sitting at home all the time doing nothing so that you can save for the future, what’s the point? You’re costing yourself life, dammit! Sorry, I couldn’t think of a way to make that sound not cheesy. But seriously, how do you know there won’t be another financial scandal that leaves you broke? How do you know you won’t get mauled by a bear? How do you know you won’t get a huge promotion or marry some rich old man/woman or win the lottery and be set for life, thus rendering that time spent saving worthless? No one has ever looked back on their life and said, “Man, I wish I never had all those awesome times when I was young!”

Like on Memorial Day, I spent several hundred dollars to get wasted all day and see Stone Temple Pilots on their reunion tour. I didn’t have to spend that much. I didn’t have to get VIP seats. I didn’t have to get a hotel room and stay over after the show. But I did. Those few hundred dollars could’ve went toward retirement, but then I wouldn’t have seen Scott Weiland wearing a poncho, yelling into a megaphone and doing the Weiland Dance. A lot of people would call my spending frivolous, and say that in the long run, I’d be better off cutting back on my leisure expenses and putting more money toward my future. To which I would respond, “have you heard Crackerman?”

Those who can afford to save money and still live it up are fortunate. If you can only afford one of the two, I don’t think you can take a pass on enjoying your twenties just so that you can be financially secure when you’re 70. You can always work to increase your savings. You can never replace missed experiences.

PS – When I’m fifty and have a retirement fund worth $300, and you find me face down in a ditch with a bottle of Colt 45 screaming “Why, WHYYY?!?!” ask me if I’ll reconsider my position. Then get out of the way before I stab you. Keep in mind I’m a Comm. Major and an Econ. Minor, so I have a history of choosing fun over money.