The 2008 Presidential Election is one of the most highly anticipated elections ever.  Certainly it’s the biggest election of our lifetimes (“our” meaning young people).

Over the next few months, as the election draws nearer and nearer, you’re going to hear a lot of talk about how important voting is.  I’m sure you’re familiar with past campaigns such as “Vote or Die,” “Choose or Lose,” “Rock the Vote,” etc, that tried to encourage and inspire people to go out and vote.  This year will be no different.  In fact, I would anticipate that in the coming months we’ll see the most intense and far-reaching voter registration campaigns this country has ever seen.  You’ll be inundated with information about the importance of voting, and how voting is one of your civic duties.

I’m here to offer a slightly different take:

Don’t vote.

Seriously.

Now before you jump to conclusions or start screaming about how it’s our duty as an American to vote, hear me out…

Voting is an incredibly important responsibility.  The Presidents we elect not only must rule this country, but they become de facto leaders for the entire world.  Furthermore, the person we elect this coming November may face a more difficult predicament than any President in history.  We live in a time of economic and social crisis.  It’s an age of terrorism and war, where the reputation of the U.S. is constantly slipping downward.  There has never been a more important election than this.  And since living in a Democracy means that people choose the leader, that means all the power lies with you.  Voting is a huge responsibility.

You’re not worthy of that responsibility.

Why?  Because you’re an idiot.

Now don’t take that personally.  I don’t mean you’re Corky from “Life Goes On” retarded or anything.  I just mean that you lack the necessary information to cast an intelligent vote.  Or maybe you don’t.  Maybe you have all the facts, and you’re ready to get out and rock the vote this November.  If so, hey, congratulations.  You’re part of a vast, vast minority in this country that knows what they’re doing.  The U.S. has about 300 million citizens, and of those, 16 are qualified to vote.  Alright, so I made that number up, but seriously, it’s really low.  Even if it’s half (150 million), which I think is extremely generous, that means there are a ton of unqualified people out there tainting the voting pool every election.

Each election, a lot of Americans don’t vote.

And that, my friends, is a good thing.

I have a friend, who shall remain nameless.  The other day she told me she was originally planning to vote for Barack Obama, but since he has worn a few ugly ties recently, she’s thinking of changing her vote.  This is a girl who is basing her upcoming vote on a candidate’s choice of ties.  Her vote counts exactly the same as yours.

A few years ago, Britney Spears gave an interview in which she said, “I love seeing my fans overseas, especially in Canada.”  Britney Spears gets to vote this November, and her vote will count exactly the same amount as every other American’s.  James Carville is a political mastermind who might know more about politics than anyone on Earth, but his vote will count exactly the same as Britney Spears’.

I once heard a story of someone voting for John Kerry because Ben Affleck said to.  I know someone who said they’ll always vote Republican regardless of candidate because they’re anti-abortion, and when I asked them if they’d still vote Republican even if Hitler were running for the party, they just shrugged and said “I don’t know.”

We’re going out of our way to get these people to vote?

I know what you’re thinking:  These are extreme examples, and these people are idiots.  That’s where you’re wrong.  All of the people mentioned in the previous examples are normal people of average to above-average intelligence.  Well, except for Britney Spears.  But still, you think you’re better or smarter than them.  Maybe, but most people aren’t.  Two-thirds of people can’t find Iraq on a map; 33% can’t find Louisiana.  There are people that don’t even know who the current President is.  OK, so we all know there are some true idiots out there, and you’re light years beyond them…  but how much do you really know about the election?  Can you tell me where Barack Obama stands on various issues without looking it up on Google?  Can you name 4 things that John McCain wants to accomplish if he’s elected?  Can you tell me your stance on anything without copying something you heard on “The Daily Show” or “Fox News?”

I don’t think you can.  Well, maybe YOU can, because if you read this website you’re obviously really smart, but can everyone in this country really be trusted with a vote?

The upcoming election involves many important issues.  All of these issues require a complex examination.  There are no easy answers.  Solutions vary from week to week as the world changes and new circumstances arise.  To understand politics requires not only a certain initial mental capacity; it requires that you pay constant attention as well.

Based on the news lately, here are some thing your average citizen is concerned about when it comes to the ’08 election:  John McCain’s age, something Barack Obama’s minister once said, some quote Obama’s wife said awhile back, whether McCain’s wife was addicted to pills…  the list of pseudo-issues goes on.

Some of that stuff might matter a little, but the point is this:  People with diehard party allegiances aside, most voters just pick based on a gut feeling.  And unless we’re incredibly knowledgeable about politics, unless we’ve spent countless hours studying the positions and policies of BOTH candidates, unless we have an in-depth knowledge of all the issues and what it will take to solve them, unless we’re unbiased and free from personal agendas or vendettas, then our gut feeling is going to be wrong.  You could pick the better person, but unless you picked them for the right reasons, it’s not Democracy, it’s just luck.  The average person who goes to a voting booth is like a blindfolded kid swatting at a piñata at a Cinco de Mayo party.  You might get some candy, but you also might whack Uncle Jimmy in the temple with a baseball bat.  Is that how we should pick the most powerful man on the planet?  You might as well put two bowl of cat food on a table, with one candidate’s name on each, and let a kitten decide.

What we need is a pre-voting test.  Everyone who wants to vote should be forced to take a test when registering.  People who score well enough and know what they’re doing get one vote.  People with an exceptional political knowledge — like say James Carville — get two votes.  People who cast their votes based on wardrobes, celebrity advice, or any other retarded reason get zero.  People who can’t name the President get shipped off to Cuba on a raft.  And not the nice part of Cuba, either.  The bad part.

Unfortunately in a Democracy we have to treat everyone as equal, even when they’re not, so that will never happen.  So, the next best and most honorable thing you can do as a voter is to admit when you don’t know shit, and concede that you shouldn’t vote.  Then follow through with that thought, and instead of voting this November, sit on your ass and watch “Simpsons” reruns.  Because dammit, that’s something you are qualified for!

This isn’t about preventing anyone from voting.  I would never do that.  This is about giving up the quest to make every single person vote.  This is about encouraging the unqualified to take some personal responsibility and realize that they shouldn’t be in a voting booth this November.  Regardless of what the activists tell you, there’s no shame in not voting.  It’s a hell of a lot tougher to admit your limitations and skip the election than to be a lemming and cast an uneducated vote because it’s the “right” thing to do.

Anyone can claim that his or her vote matters.

It takes a real man (or woman) to admit that their vote doesn’t mean dick.

If you’re not educated about politics, don’t vote.  If you’re unaware of the issues, don’t vote.  If you have no strong feelings about either candidate, don’t vote.  If you’re voting for someone you don’t care about simply because he’s the lesser of two evils, don’t vote.  If you’re voting for someone because of gender or race, don’t vote.  If your candidate lost the primary and you’re just voting for whoever won the nomination for their party, don’t vote.  If you’re voting for someone because they’re taller or better looking than the other guy, don’t vote.  If you’re voting because someone told you “if you don’t vote, you can’t complain,” don’t vote (and then complain anyways)!  If you’re voting for someone because your favorite celebrity endorses them, for God’s sake, DON’T VOTE!  ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER TO NOT VOTE THIS ELECTION!!!

Those of you who are well educated, understand the political process, realize what each candidate brings to the table, and then make a rational decision based on the information at hand, good for you.  Enjoy casting your vote this November.

The rest of us, let’s just tell the boss we’re going to vote and go catch a matinée of Batman instead.  It’s better for society, and let’s be honest, we’ll enjoy it way more.