I just found out Fall Out Boy has a new album coming out in a month.

Fall Out Boy sucks.

Fall Out Boy is the worst band on the planet right now.  They only appeal to 14-year old girls.  14-year old girls are idiots, so therefore Fall Out Boy is pretty much worthless.  The only good thing about Fall Out Boy is that we’ll eventually get to see them fail and then we’ll be able to laugh about what a worthless piece of shit band they were.  It’s fitting that Pete Wentz married Ashlee Simpson, because she was the only person on Earth whose lack of talent rivaled his own.  Patrick Stump is a terrible singer and looks like a huge dork.  I almost feel bad for the other two guys in the band, but then I realized that they actively chose to be part of Fall Out Boy, and then I just hate them instead.

Of course it’s not just Fall Out Boy.  They’re simply the poster children for an entire genre of shitty music, emo.  All emo bands are shit.  The only good thing about being an emo fan is that you’ll eventually cut your wrists too deep and die, thus sparing yourself from having to listen to emo music.  Unless of course there is emo music in heaven, but then again, that would pretty much make it hell, so there you go.

And it’s not just emo music, either.  All new music sucks.  You’ve got Nickelback and the 80,000 Nickelback clones growling about bar fights and pussy and other stupid shit.  If I paid 5 cents to hear Chad Kroeger sing, I’d ask for my nickel back and then stab whoever tricked me into that terrible deal in the first place.  Every band whose singer has a deep voice is terrible.  These bands like Creed and Theory of a Deadman just sound like terrible Pearl Jam rip-offs.  And Eddie Vedder was just a shitty version of Jim Morrison, so that should tell you how awful Scott Stapp is.  It’s funny that Scott Stapp always does Jesus poses, because even God hates Creed.  It’s in the Bible, look it up.

And what about rap?  All rap music is garbage.  It’s just a bunch of thugs talking about guns and cars and necklaces.  They have nothing to say.  Older rappers like Tupac and Biggie used to have something to say.  Of course they were just thugs who killed each other so they suck too.  Rap makes society dumber and it’s destroying music.  Anyone who listens to rap has an IQ of 40 and will probably shoot your children.

And how about pop music?  What a pile of dog shit that is.  Fergie sounds like she stole her lyrics from a third grader’s pop up book, making the Clumsy video incredibly appropriate.  Sean Kingston is the musical equivalent of having someone drill into your cranium and then pour rubbing alcohol through the hole.  Britney Spears is famous for being famous and Christina Aguilera used to sleep with lots of guys so she’s obviously terrible.  Pop music has always been terrible.  Madonna was a little progressive but time passed and she aged and didn’t die young or disappear so now you’re an idiot if you ever thought she was good in the first place.

Music hasn’t been relevant since 1969.  U2 sucks and Bono is an asshole.  Tom Petty, John Mellencamp and Bruce Springsteen are all populist douchebags who sing anthems for retarded frat guys and stupid sorority girls.  Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones just stole all their ideas from black people.  The Beatles are the only halfway decent band that ever existed, but they once covered a Chuck Berry song, and Michael J. Fox played that one Chuck Berry song in “Back To The Future,” and the plot of that movie was absolutely ridiculous, and Ringo Starr was an average drummer at best, so the Beatles suck.

The only good music came from way before the Beatles.  Blues musicians were OK but most of them spent all their time telling stories about selling their souls to the devil or drowning in the Mississippi River rather than focusing on the craft.  Robert Johnson was all hype.  There were old folk musicians, but they all sang about the same topics.  1800s folk musicians had no range.  And of course you had the farmers who used to whistle while they ploughed their fields.  Those guys were OK when they first came out, but their later whistling was derivative and became a bad caricature of their early work.  They never grew as artists.  Before that, you had Native Americans and their rain dances.  From a music theory standpoint they were alright, but they were really just doing it to help grow crops and maybe get a few swigs of fire water in the process.  Fuckin’ sellouts.  Music is an art form, not a method for growing squash, dickbags!  And don’t get me started on the ancient Europeans and their “Greensleeves” style ballads.  Those jackasses were only in it for the pussy.

The only credible musician in history is Steven Wallace IV, who lived in Northern Ireland in the 8th Century.  He was fleeing the British Army when he stopped and started scraping a stick against a tree.  It was a hollow twig, and he was scraping a well-aged oak tree, so the acoustics were phenomenal.  The rest of his Northern Irish brethren kept telling him, “knock off that racket, the Brits are on their way!”  But Wallace kept scraping the stick against the tree, claiming, “I don’t care about the Brits, I like the way this sounds.”  Now that guy was in it for the right reasons.  He didn’t care about the public reaction or the money or even his life, he was all about the art, man.  He continued practicing his craft even as his group left him.  Eventually he was captured and beheaded by the British Army.  What a tragedy.  That guy had so much more greatness in him.

That guy who scraped a stick against a tree in the 8th Century was the only true musician to ever live.  Everyone since him has sucked.  Especially Fall Out Boy.