-John McCain will become the 44th President of the United States, winning the 2nd closest election in history.

-There will be an unprecedented amount of voter fraud complaints, including at least one major controversy in a swing state.  However, evidence will be sketchy and no ramifications will ever result.

-Obama supporters will stage a march on Washington, the likes of which will resemble something from the Vietnam era.  Bottled waters at the march will cost $5; a Snapple will run you $7.  It won’t accomplish anything but it will be a great way for hippies to get laid.

-Regardless of who wins, the number of articles written about this election will be greater than the number of articles ever written about anything, with the exception of Britney Spears’ vagina.  At least 3 articles in major newspapers will compare the U.S. to the Roman Empire.

-John McCain will not die in office.  He will have one close call, but it won’t be related to his age or health issues.  He’ll choke on a hot dog or get his arms caught in a ceiling fan or something like that.

-McCain will do an OK job in the White House.  Not great, but OK.  He will be to the White House what Brian Griese is to the NFL.  His nickname will change from “The Maverick” to “The Game Manager.”

-Sarah Palin will never be President.  Within 6 years, Palin will be out of politics and hosting a daytime talk show opposite Rachel Ray.

-This election will ultimately do very little for racial equality, but it will prove to be a huge step forward for mediocre looking white chicks.

-When the winning electoral votes come in, and the new President is finally revealed, it will be the most text-messaged-about moment in history.  There will be 1 billion text message containing the word “obama” sent on Tuesday.

-This election will be the OJ moment of the decade.  Everyone will remember where they were when the final announcement was made.

-The 2008 election will set the record for “most people getting drunk during an election.”  At least 12 people will die.  It will go down in history as the greatest party day in political history.

-This week “election” will be the most Googled term in history, not counting porn stuff.  Counting porn stuff it will be 14,000th.

-Obama will inspire a record voter turnout from the African-American community.  Over 7% of African-Americans will vote.

-P. Diddy’s “Vote or Die” campaign will become reality this week when an overzealous liberal kills another person for not voting.

-Regardless of who wins, 100 years from now everyone will know of Barack Obama and 28% of people will know of John McCain.  If Obama loses, there will eventually be a movie about him, the moral of which is blatantly ripped off from the movie “Tin Cup.”

-Barack Obama will accomplish something great, but not in the White House.  Like Al Gore or John Edwards, he’ll be more productive as a social figure, outside of politics.  He’ll eventually become a Bono-esque figure.  He might cure AIDS.

-Over the next four years, 5 more states will approve a law that allows gay marriage.  One of them will then repeal that law.  The President will just kinda shrug.  In 40 years the country will look back on gay rights in this decade the way we look back at womens’ and blacks’ rights from the early 1900s.  “Yeah, sorry about that.”  Gays will demand reparations but will settle for free daiquiris at the Boston Pride parade.

-Anger over the results of this election will result in the formation of the Don’t Vote Party, a movement which actively tries to ruin the voting process, kinda like that Vote For The Worst campaign against “American Idol.”  The Don’t Vote Party’s 2012 candidate, Kevin Federline, will get 4% of the vote.

-The division in this country will continue to get worse and worse.  Sometime in the next 50 years, the South will try to secede from the nation again.  Except instead of the Gettysburg Address, this time the North will release a statement saying, “later bros.”

-Next Sunday night, when the New York Giants play the Philadelphia Eagles on “Sunday Night Football,” John Madden will utter the following phrase:

“You see, the thing about the election is, the guy who wins the election, is supposed to win.”

People will laugh, but over time it will prove to be the smartest thing anyone ever said about the 2008 Election.

In the mid-90s, an East Coast vs. West Coast feud developed in rap music, focusing mainly around Tupac (from California) and Notorious BIG (from New York).  The feud started with verbal sparring, then evolved into shootings, then into diss tracks, and finally the death of both rappers.

Only in rap would diss tracks be considered worse than shootings, but whatever, the point is that this feud defined rap music in the 90s.  Unfortunately other rappers took notice of the popularity Tupac and Biggie gained during their feud.  Though feuding did decline somewhat, a number of up-and-coming rappers began adopting a gangsta attitude and creating their own feuds so as to emulate the success of Biggie and Pac.

There has never been another feud quite like the East Coast-West Coast feud in rap music.  Oh sure, VH1’s “Top Feuds” countdown show will tell you that Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff’s catfight over the love of Aaron Carter was worse, but I disagree.  Call me a feuding purist, but when guys get killed in drive-bys, I consider that worse than two skanks fighting over a white boy band rapper.  What can I say, I’m old fashioned like that.  Oh by the way, I’m not making this up, VH1 really did call Lohan-Duff a worse feud than Biggie-Pac.  But that’s irrelevant.

The reason I bring this up is because I believe we are headed toward another massive feud involving prominent figures in the media world.  Only this time, it’s going to be an all-out, verbally sparring, diss track making, blood-shedding, East Coast-West Coast feud…    between journalists.

Oh yes, journalists are the new gangsta rappers.

There used to be a time when being a journalist meant checking with multiple sources and reporting facts in an unbiased manner.  Those days are over.  Newspapers are cutting staff and traditional journalism is rapidly becoming a thing of the past.  However, despite what some people might tell you, journalism is not going to die.  There will always be a demand for news.  In fact, I would argue people these days have a more insatiable appetite for news than ever.  In the age of the Internet, when everything is old after 24 hours, we need new news and we need it more than ever.  Blogs can be interesting, but most of them just take a story from a more traditional news outlet and then put their spin on it or make stupid jokes.  You still need journalism.  After all, you can’t write a blog post about Barack Obama gaining in the polls and gettin’ ready to leave Michelle for a white girl if someone doesn’t first report on Barack gaining in the polls.

On the other hand, people don’t want journalistic integrity.  They say they do, but their actions don’t reflect it.  People just want someone to tell them what they already believe.  Look at the news shows that have gained popularity in recent years:  The Daily Show, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Maher, Hannity & Combs, etc etc.  All these shows do is take news and frame it in a way where it perfectly matches their audience’s worldview.  You technically get the news, but mostly you’re just being entertained or listening to someone you agree with.

So here’s what the field of journalism is coming to:  Reporters that are half traditional journalist and half opinionated blogger.  They go out and do the research and find out the facts, then spin those facts to appease their audience while making a bunch of jokes about Britney Spears and Kegel exercises.  They’re half Bob Woodward and half Jon Stewart.  Half journalist and half blogger.

And that’s how the bloodshed begins.  I don’t know if you know this, but bloggers are some of the cockiest people on Earth.  They think they’re part of some awesome movement, they think they’re single-handedly responsible for killing the newspaper industry, they think that every time they call Ted Stevens a douchebag they are literally performing the most important act ever, and that yet, despite all of this, they still think they are vastly under appreciated.  And here’s the thing:  Bloggers don’t actually do anything.  Trust me, it used to be my job.  It’s a joke.  You set up an RSS feed for all the major news sites, then every day when you get to work at 10:30AM, you scan through the list to see if anything is conducive to dick joke making.  Then you write a couple posts in between watching every new music video on YouTube and claiming it’s for “research.”  That’s your job.

So if bloggers think they’re so great now, wait until they’re actually reporting on something.  Wait until they are doing the legwork and discovering the facts and breaking exclusive stories.  The hubris will be off the charts.  Not to mention these new journalist/bloggers are gaining more mainstream attention by the day.  Soon blogger ego will be equivalent to Tupac ego in 1996.  And since we know that bloggers love to rip everything to shreds, and nothing is off-limits, including other bloggers, it’s only a matter of time until one of these new age journalists says something over the line and begins a feud with another journalist.  It might even start with something innocent.  Journalist A, of the L.A. Times, questions one of Journalist B’s articles in the Washington Post.  Journalist B gets pissed and writes in his online blog that Journalist A sucks and has no business questioning him.  Journalist A releases a podcast saying that Journalist B isn’t even on his level, and then Journalist B responds with a magnus opus in the Sunday paper titled “Journalist A is an Incompetent Reporter, and That’s Why I Fucked His Bitch.”  This causes Journalist A to unleash a cryptic viral video that’s just a picture of a Glock with gunshot noises and the words “You Done Fucked Up Now, Mothafucka.”  Next thing you know, Journalist A is found dead, covered in screenshot print-outs of his original article, Journalist B goes missing, only to have pictures of his bloody corpse surface on a social networking website 3 days later, and we’re engaged in a full-scale East Coast-West Coast journalism feud.  Reporters from the New York Times refuse to travel to California to cover stories, and employees of the Oakland Tribune know not to cross the Mississippi.  Reporters in Houston are forced to pick sides and staffs are divided, brother against brother.  Editors at the Portland Oregonian start to publish pre-emptive obituaries for editors at the Raleigh News & Observer, and vice versa.  Deaths within the journalism world skyrocket as parents blame reporting for their kids’ problems, while talking about the good old days when newspapers used to talk about something real instead of just bragging about guns, cars and bitches.

My point is, all you kids out there who are just entering college, you might want to consider a career in accounting.  New age media ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

Money.  It’s what makes the world go round.  It’s the root of all evil.  It talks.

The reason there are so many clichés about money is because it’s one of the most talked-about topics on the planet.  Almost everyone needs money, almost everyone wants money, and absolutely everyone likes to discuss money.  Money is one of the foundations of society.

But you shouldn’t base your life around money.  Why?  Because if you do, you will eventually end up looking like these guys.  Yes, those guys in the picture above.  That picture was taken this morning on Wall Street, where the stock market made a record increase and might have just kicked off a comeback from one of the worst economic crises in history.

It’s a great thing for Wall Street and it’s a great thing for America.  But it’s not THAT great.  Check out the goofy smiles and the awkward thumbs ups.  They’re obviously screaming something too; I guarantee it involves the words “yeah” and “baby.”  Let’s cut to the chase:  They look like clowns.  Oh, that’s not a metaphor.  They actually look like circus clowns.

There are few situations in live where you’re allowed to be this over-the-top excited, and they are pretty much limited to:

-The birth of your first child
-Your son scores his first goal/touchdown/homerun/whatever to win the game
-Your daughter tells you she’s engaged to a doctor
-Your husband/wife awakes from a long coma, like in a Lifetime Movie
-You’re a Chicago Cubs fan and they finally win the World Series in 2037
-You attend a frat party and the hottest sorority on campus decides to have an impromptu wet t-shirt contest
-You get kicked in the face at a Slipknot concert and you need to let everyone know you’re alright
-Sarah Palin becomes President, your name is Todd Palin, and you just realized you’re about to have the greatest 4 years ever

That’s it.  And as you can see, none of those situations involve your portfolio having a tremendous day and slightly bouncing back from a massive previous downfall, thus leaving you still in the hole by a solid margin.

What you’re looking at are the smiles of two men who have based their entire life around money.  They’ve tied so much of their happiness to the accumulation of money that now they need money to experience even the slightest amount of joy.  I don’t care if I was living in a gutter somewhere, and out of nowhere some guy handed me a billion dollars, it still wouldn’t make me look like these guys.  Oh, I’d take his money, and I’d buy myself a yacht, and I’d hire a midget servant to pour Cristal over some naked strippers as a group of supermodels fanned me and fed me grapes.  But, and this I promise you, I would NEVER do the over-the-top smile combined with the awkward thumbs up while screaming “Yeah baby!”  Some things are more important than money, and not looking like a fucking clown is one of them.

[PS - Sorry the picture is so tiny.]

[PS 2 - What do you want to bet those guys in the picture are actually really great guys?]

I just found out Fall Out Boy has a new album coming out in a month.

Fall Out Boy sucks.

Fall Out Boy is the worst band on the planet right now.  They only appeal to 14-year old girls.  14-year old girls are idiots, so therefore Fall Out Boy is pretty much worthless.  The only good thing about Fall Out Boy is that we’ll eventually get to see them fail and then we’ll be able to laugh about what a worthless piece of shit band they were.  It’s fitting that Pete Wentz married Ashlee Simpson, because she was the only person on Earth whose lack of talent rivaled his own.  Patrick Stump is a terrible singer and looks like a huge dork.  I almost feel bad for the other two guys in the band, but then I realized that they actively chose to be part of Fall Out Boy, and then I just hate them instead.

Of course it’s not just Fall Out Boy.  They’re simply the poster children for an entire genre of shitty music, emo.  All emo bands are shit.  The only good thing about being an emo fan is that you’ll eventually cut your wrists too deep and die, thus sparing yourself from having to listen to emo music.  Unless of course there is emo music in heaven, but then again, that would pretty much make it hell, so there you go.

And it’s not just emo music, either.  All new music sucks.  You’ve got Nickelback and the 80,000 Nickelback clones growling about bar fights and pussy and other stupid shit.  If I paid 5 cents to hear Chad Kroeger sing, I’d ask for my nickel back and then stab whoever tricked me into that terrible deal in the first place.  Every band whose singer has a deep voice is terrible.  These bands like Creed and Theory of a Deadman just sound like terrible Pearl Jam rip-offs.  And Eddie Vedder was just a shitty version of Jim Morrison, so that should tell you how awful Scott Stapp is.  It’s funny that Scott Stapp always does Jesus poses, because even God hates Creed.  It’s in the Bible, look it up.

And what about rap?  All rap music is garbage.  It’s just a bunch of thugs talking about guns and cars and necklaces.  They have nothing to say.  Older rappers like Tupac and Biggie used to have something to say.  Of course they were just thugs who killed each other so they suck too.  Rap makes society dumber and it’s destroying music.  Anyone who listens to rap has an IQ of 40 and will probably shoot your children.

And how about pop music?  What a pile of dog shit that is.  Fergie sounds like she stole her lyrics from a third grader’s pop up book, making the Clumsy video incredibly appropriate.  Sean Kingston is the musical equivalent of having someone drill into your cranium and then pour rubbing alcohol through the hole.  Britney Spears is famous for being famous and Christina Aguilera used to sleep with lots of guys so she’s obviously terrible.  Pop music has always been terrible.  Madonna was a little progressive but time passed and she aged and didn’t die young or disappear so now you’re an idiot if you ever thought she was good in the first place.

Music hasn’t been relevant since 1969.  U2 sucks and Bono is an asshole.  Tom Petty, John Mellencamp and Bruce Springsteen are all populist douchebags who sing anthems for retarded frat guys and stupid sorority girls.  Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones just stole all their ideas from black people.  The Beatles are the only halfway decent band that ever existed, but they once covered a Chuck Berry song, and Michael J. Fox played that one Chuck Berry song in “Back To The Future,” and the plot of that movie was absolutely ridiculous, and Ringo Starr was an average drummer at best, so the Beatles suck.

The only good music came from way before the Beatles.  Blues musicians were OK but most of them spent all their time telling stories about selling their souls to the devil or drowning in the Mississippi River rather than focusing on the craft.  Robert Johnson was all hype.  There were old folk musicians, but they all sang about the same topics.  1800s folk musicians had no range.  And of course you had the farmers who used to whistle while they ploughed their fields.  Those guys were OK when they first came out, but their later whistling was derivative and became a bad caricature of their early work.  They never grew as artists.  Before that, you had Native Americans and their rain dances.  From a music theory standpoint they were alright, but they were really just doing it to help grow crops and maybe get a few swigs of fire water in the process.  Fuckin’ sellouts.  Music is an art form, not a method for growing squash, dickbags!  And don’t get me started on the ancient Europeans and their “Greensleeves” style ballads.  Those jackasses were only in it for the pussy.

The only credible musician in history is Steven Wallace IV, who lived in Northern Ireland in the 8th Century.  He was fleeing the British Army when he stopped and started scraping a stick against a tree.  It was a hollow twig, and he was scraping a well-aged oak tree, so the acoustics were phenomenal.  The rest of his Northern Irish brethren kept telling him, “knock off that racket, the Brits are on their way!”  But Wallace kept scraping the stick against the tree, claiming, “I don’t care about the Brits, I like the way this sounds.”  Now that guy was in it for the right reasons.  He didn’t care about the public reaction or the money or even his life, he was all about the art, man.  He continued practicing his craft even as his group left him.  Eventually he was captured and beheaded by the British Army.  What a tragedy.  That guy had so much more greatness in him.

That guy who scraped a stick against a tree in the 8th Century was the only true musician to ever live.  Everyone since him has sucked.  Especially Fall Out Boy.

My fellow Americans,

I, Tom Z, am writing to announce my candidacy for the Presidency in the year 2016.  I feel it is my civic duty to campaign for President, and I am honored to have the opportunity to win your vote.

In these times of economic and social crisis, it is imperative that we elect a leader that represents the best interests of you, the American public.  That is why I’m running for President.  Like you, I am disgusted by these Washington insiders who work solely for the special interest groups.  Our country needs massive change, a change that can only come from the outside.  The “old boys club” on Capitol Hill needs to be eliminated, and we need a President who represents the views of the common man.

I am that candidate.

Like you, I understand the pressures of a failing economy and the toll that war has taken on our great country.  Like you, I care more about being able to pay for groceries than being able to pay the big oil companies.  Like you, I’m annoyed by the greed on Wall Street which affects all of us on Main Street.  Like you, I can’t stand to see the same old party politics while so many people struggle to pay their mortgages.  Like you, I despise our shallow values and celebrity-driven culture, and I believe that Britney’s comeback totally isn’t going to work cause she’s, like, still all crazy and obsessed with Justin Timberlake.  Like you, I struggle with contractions and don’t understand the difference between “your” and “you’re.”  And like you, I care deeply about our country and you’re children’s future.

You see, I’m just like you.  I’m a man of the people.  I’m not some Washington DC fatcat who has been entrenched on Capitol Hill for years and is out of touch with the rest of the country.  I’m no Washington insider.  In fact I’ve only been to Washington once in my life, and that was when I was 13 years old, when my mom took me to see to see the Washington Monument.  And you know what?  I thought it was overrated.  I know it has great symbolic value, but it’s just a pointy statue in the middle of some park.  You can’t climb up it and it doesn’t even have a gift shop.  What’s the big deal?  And don’t get me started on the Lincoln Memorial.  What a piece of shit.

Screw Washington DC and its fancy cars and shiny marble floors and phallic-shaped “monuments.”  I don’t care about Washington.  I care about you!  And that’s why I’m running for President.  We need a leader who shares the values of the average American, and who understands the struggles that we all go through on a daily basis.  I am that leader.  I don’t go to fancy yacht parties or fact-finding missions in Darfur.  I go to work every morning and bind and collate sales reports for a marketing team at a company that sells axle-rods to the riding lawnmower industry.  I don’t read the Wall Street Journal and trade stocks; I read US Weekly and trade sarcastic barbs about Paris Hilton’s vagina.  Actually, I don’t even know how to read.  I just look at the pictures and assume the worst.  I’m not some stuck up Washington elitist who believes in rainbows and butterflies and economic stimulus packages!

I won’t try to impress you with creative speeches or clever rhetoric.  I know you’re sick of all the political spin that has dominated our country for the past two decades, so I won’t try to make your head hurt by saying lots of sentences with tons of big words in them.  I care too much about you, the American public!  Plus, I’m borderline illiterate.  Some people have called me functionally retarded, but in reality my IQ is a solid 86.2, putting me right on par with the average Walmart shopper.

Did I mention I shop at Walmart?  Yep, I’m just like you.  Oh, those Washington DC fatcats have tried to take me to fancy stores like Crate & Barrel or Pier 1, but I looked them right in the eyes and told them, “what are you, a faggot?”  Because that’s how the average American would’ve handled the situation, and I’ll be damned if I let these party politics affect me from doing my job of serving the American people!  This has earned me quite the reputation around Washington as a “renegade.”  Just as Rage Against the Machine were renegades of funk, I’m the renegade of Washington.  But that’s OK, because I know that I don’t work for other politicians or Rage Against the Machine.  I work for you!  I shop at Walmart and I buy my pretzels in 20-gallon jars because we are in a recession!

I may be running for President, but I take offense to the word politician.  I’m no politician.  I’m just an ordinary guy.  I didn’t go to politician school or pass some magical politician test.  I can’t even spell the word politician without help from my computer’s spellcheck function.  I dropped out of school in eight grade to work in my family’s shipping and packaging business, bubble-wrapping dinette sets for average Americans just like you.  And as President, I promise to bubble-wrap our country and protect you from the ill effects of an economy that has been kicked around in the back of a UPS truck.  I promise to submerge terrorists into a refrigerator box filled with Styrofoam peanuts, until they have inhaled massive amounts of asbestos and are no longer able to plot attacks against America.  I promise to hand-deliver a better America by 8AM on a Saturday morning without requesting a signature, while speaking in vague metaphors that don’t really make sense but can be interpreted however you, the American people, choose!

By electing me as President, you’ll be scoring a touchdown for progress!  Because like you, I’m a huge sports fan, and believe that athletes deserve the type of admiration and respect that hypothetically should be reserved for teachers and law enforcement.  I’m not some Washington elitist who thinks that all laws need to be upheld!  I occasionally jaywalk, just like you!  Sometimes I fall behind on my credit card bills and write them angry letters saying I never got my statement that month, even though I did get it and just couldn’t afford to pay.  One time I got hammered and drove home from the bar and struck a small child with my SUV.  I didn’t stop to see what happened, but I found out the next day that the kid had died.  Mothers Against Drunk Driving went on the local news and demanded that the perpetrator turn himself in, but I never told anyone what I did, because I don’t cater to the special interest groups!

The old boys club in Washington thinks it’s so great!  They go out to $1000 dinners and discuss politics as usual.  I, on the other hand, don’t play that game.  I usually eat cut up hot dogs that I dump into a bowl of mac and cheese, and once in awhile I treat myself to some Arby’s.  I occasionally steal the sports section of my neighbor’s newspaper, and then when he asks me about it, I play dumb, like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Jim.”  I don’t shower on Sundays and just hose myself down with Tag Body Spray if I need to go somewhere.  I’m often seen picking my nose in public and I have been known to cut in front of old ladies in line at the supermarkets.  It’s 3PM, I just woke up an hour ago, and in just a few more hours I’ll be blackout drunk on low-grade grain alcohol.  I go out to bars and hit on woman and it’s really creepy.  I don’t pay my taxes and I haven’t given my ex-wife her court-ordered alimony payments in 6 months.  I refuse to participate in such fiscal irresponsibility, and as your President, I would lower all your taxes by 50% while simultaneously investing billions of dollars into infrastructure and children.  Of course, I’ll need a calculator to figure all this economic stuff out, because like you, I fuckin’ hate math!  I think it’s boring and I never really got it.  I’m not huge on science or history, either!  This isn’t high school, it’s the school of America!

When I told a group of young parents at a diner the other day that I was running for President, one of the young mothers asked me, “Are you high?  Leave me alone!”  It’s sad that we live in a country where drug use is so prevalent that this mother just assumed I was high.  And I can’t stand the fact that our country has become so divided by party politics that this woman would sooner ask me to leave her alone than discuss the real issues facing America.  I’m running for President in order to make a change.  As President, I’ll take the lead from the American public and stop succumbing to pressure from the big drug companies.  In fact, I’ll take all medicine out of stores and lock all doctors into concentration camps.  We don’t need those fatcats charging us $75 then telling us to just rest up and take some Advil.  Not in this economy!

You might be asking, “Tom, why are you announcing your candidacy for President 8 years before the election?”  The answer is simple:  I don’t know anything about politics.  I don’t understand how the political process works or how to campaign or even how to fill out the necessary paperwork in order to officially enter the Presidential race.  That’s because I’m not some elitist Washington insider who participates in party politics or knows his own social security number.

I’m just an ordinary guy, like you.  In fact, I’m even less than you.  I’m a goddamn idiot.  And together, we can turn this country into the America we all want to see.  An America where the economy is stable, an America where everyone can afford gasoline and adequate healthcare, an America where we’re not engaged in a never-ending war, an America where pints are a dollar and everybody gets laid!

Vote Tom Z in 2016!  Together, we can make it happen!

This November on FOX…

The Scofield brothers are back…  in an all-new 9th season of Prison Break!

It’s all-new action!  All-new excitement!  All-new danger!!!  And this time, they have an all-new mission on their hands!  Oh sure, it still involves breaking out of a prison, but this time…  they’ll be breaking out of prison in a totally different fashion than they previously broke out of those other 8 prisons!

This time they break out of prison…  could be the last.

They’ve broken out of prison before.  Eight times.  They’ve even broken into prison a couple of times, with the intentions of eventually breaking out of those prisons.  One time they purposely had the police manufacture a situation in which they appeared to be arrested so they could be sent into prison under the radar…  and then break out!

But now, they must do the unthinkable…

Break all the way through a prison!

That’s right.  They’ll have to break into a prison, walk all the way through said prison without being noticed, and break out the opposite end of that prison!

Some call it their most dangerous mission ever.  Some call it a deathtrap.  Some call it certain doom.  Some call it more difficult than seasons 1, 3, 4 and 6, and not quite as difficult as seasons 2, 5 and 8.  Most agree that the difficulty of this particular prison break is on par with the brothers’ prison break from season 7.

They thought about retiring.  They realized breaking out of prisons wasn’t technically a job, and retracted on those retirement promises, only to consider quitting instead.  They were told not to do it again.  They were told that, THIS TIME, breaking out of prison meant certain death.  They were even told by one guy that, although breaking out of prisons will never be a failsafe task, they’ve done it so many times that the guy was fairly confident they would once again succeed, yet still slightly apprehensive due to the level of danger involved in any prison break.  They’ve been told that perhaps they should consider not getting into any more legal trouble, so that they wouldn’t need to break out of prison in the first place.

But they just couldn’t resist breaking out of prison one more time!!  And as previously mentioned, their next prison break… could be their last!!!  Unless of course another situation arises in which someone needs to be broken out of prison and the offer for their assistance is either too lucrative to pass up or involves someone holding their loved ones hostage and demanding their involvement in yet another prison break!!!!

Will the Scofields be able to break out of prison yet again?  Will their emotions get the best of them, thus affecting their ability to break out of prison?  Will they make it out of prison, only to be forced to return into that prison after an unforeseen turn of events involving yet another loved one?  Will this prison break be more harrowing than their previous 8 prison breaks?!!

The answers, which are all yes, are coming this November…  on an all-new 9th season of Prison Break!  Don’t miss a moment of the action…  only…  on FOX!!

I don’t know if you pay close attention to NASA and our country’s space program. If not, you should be, because space exploration is one of the most intriguing and relevant topics facing our society today.

I’m just kidding. Outer space sucks. It’s nothing but a bunch of blackness, flying rocks and flashing lights. If you want to see that, you… well we all know there’s a Source Awards joke coming here so let’s just move on…

I stumbled across an article recently that claimed scientists are close to discovering Earth’s “twin planets.” According to legend, there are a few yet-to-be-discovered planets in the galaxy that closely resemble Earth in terms of atmospheric properties and proximity to stars. Not sure why they’re called “twins” if there’s a bunch of them, but whatever. The point is, this news brings us one step closer to discovering alien life, every NASA employee’s wet dream.

Everyone thinks the discovery of aliens is going to be so awesome. We’ve seen so many movies like ET and Independence Day, we assume discovering aliens will lead to either hyper intelligent beings helping us to advance or own society, or an interstellar war for domination of the galaxy. We think aliens will show us amazing new technology or use amazing new technology to blow us up. Either way, we think that’s cool.

I don’t doubt that there could be life on other planets. I’m not saying it’s definite, but it’s possible. Given the vastness of the universe and the fact that all planets essentially formed in the same manner — rocks crashing together — it’s highly possible that somewhere out there, some planets have an atmosphere that will sustain life. They’ve found water on one of Saturn’s moons, so there could be aquatic life (or maybe it was Jupiter; who gives a fuck?). Aliens could definitely exist.

However, I think we have seriously underestimated the odds of those aliens sucking. We search for life on other planets, but we don’t consider the possibly that maybe we don’t want to meet whatever’s out there. Aliens could be annoying. They could be dicks that try to attack us. They could see Earthlings, and believe that we’re the evil aliens, and attack us in self-defense.

Most likely, they’ll just be boring. There’s a very good chance that aliens aren’t as advanced as humans. Maybe they’re primitive creatures that can’t communicate. We’d essentially be traveling 50,000 light years to find a groundhog. Even if aliens are as advanced as, more advanced than, or exactly like humans, they’re not gonna speak English. Best case scenario, they’ll communicate through a series of clicks, like those African tribes. Then we’ll have to take 30 more years to fly an African click language translator over to galaxy XQ78, star 3B, planet 14. In reality, if aliens do communicate, they’ll probably have some method of communication that we could never possibly understand. Like maybe in alien culture, blinking seven times in rapid succession means “go to the bathroom before we head over to Uncle Steve’s house.” Or maybe waving hello and reaching for a handshake is their international sign for “I come to destroy your culture, you worthless fucks.” I don’t know why we expect to walk right up to aliens and start talking about their life. Communicating with aliens is going to be like talking to a coyote or a tennis ball.

Furthermore, evolution is such a crazy process that no other planet could possibly have undergone the same exact pattern as Earth. So likely these alien forms aren’t even something we could try communicating with. Hell, we might not even realize they’re alive. Keep in mind, plants are living things. If an alien came to Earth, would he try talking to a tree? No, he’d just assume it was no different than a rock. In fact he’d probably think, “look at that tall rock with leaves on it!” He’d say that sentence in his alien language, but you get the point. What if alien “life” is like a plant? What if aliens are blobs of gel that slither around at .01 MPH? What if aliens are the exact same as clock radios, only they have a spleen instead of an AM/FM switch? I’m telling you, it’s gonna suck when we cross the entire galaxy and spend $50 billion to find a clock radio that performs photosynthesis.

Let’s assume we’re going to find aliens one day. The odds of there being unfathomable and unbreakable communication barriers between us and them, or no communication at all, thus rendering our discovery worthless, is 92%. The odds of an intergalactic war is 7%. The odds of them being really cool and telling us how to fix Earth’s problems is 0.00000001%. The remaining odds say they’ll be pretty decent, but have a few annoying quirks, like telling the same stories over and over and never getting to the stuff about laser beam technology.

Now, scientists are going to tell you that we can study and learn from alien life, regardless of what that life is. Don’t believe the hype. We’ve studied dolphins for like 30 years, and what have we learned? Nothing. Oh sure, we figured out that they communicate through some kind of sonar or sonic booms or whatever, but nothing we’ve learned is applicable to life in any way. It’s like my grandfather used to say, “Ain’t no dolphin gonna pay my electric bill.” My grandfather was an illiterate man, but his message was clear. We’re spending millions of dollars on our space program when the average American can’t afford their mortgage. And for what? To discover aliens who are going to inevitably suck? Screw that. Aliens are assholes. Oh, you might meet an alien, but then you give them your phone number and they never call.

1984 is one of the most famous novels ever written.  It’s one of those books you don’t even have to read, because it has been referenced so often in print and TV that we all already know the entire novel.  The book, written by George Orwell in the 1940s, portrays a future dystopia in which the government controls every aspect of life.  History is edited to the government’s liking, citizens are inundated with propaganda, and everyone is under surveillance all of the time.

It’s now 2008, and it’s safe to say that Orwell’s vision hasn’t yet come true.  You could argue that the seeds of 1984’s prophecy have been planted, and that Big Brother is prevalent (and not just in the form of a shitty reality show).  That’s debatable.  It’s also very safe to say that 1984 was an arbitrary date, and that Orwell was depicting a future that could still happen at any point.  That’s less debatable.  If there’s one problem that all depictions of the future share, it’s that they always pick a time in the too near present.  If you don’t believe me, ask yourself this:  Where are the hoverboards?  That’s right, we were supposed to have that shit, like, eight years ago.  I haven’t forgotten about that, Michael J. Fox, now give me my goddamn hoverboard.

I understand what Orwell was doing.  A book called 2372 wouldn’t have instilled the same fear in people as 1984.  Orwell knew the deal.  But at the same time, the whole world doesn’t change in 40 years.  Unless of course you live in the Middle East.  Cause, you know, they always get new music 10 years late, and that means that Britney Spears and boy bands are about to sweep the region.  Watch out, Middle East, shit’s about to go down.

Here’s the thing about 1984:  I think it’s slowly happening.  I think that by 2084, we could see a reality that’s very similar to Orwell’s vision.

BUT…

I don’t blame the government.  I don’t think some secret society is trying to change history or keep us down.  I don’t think some ultimate leader is sitting in front of a TV screen, controlling our futures, Matrix-style.

I think we’re doing it to ourselves.

How much of your personal information is on Facebook?  MySpace?  Twitter, Instant Messenger, chat rooms, blogs, etc etc?  How many embarrassing pictures of you are there online?  Every day, employers are looking up potential employees on Google and social media sites and disqualifying them based on what they find.  Every day, people are searching for information on potential boyfriends/girlfriends and disqualifying them based on lists of their interests and favorite movies, or messages that they received from other guys/girls.  Cell phones and Sidekicks are easily hacked.  Even Sarah Palin’s private email was made public.  So much of our daily communication is available to anyone with a computer.  You can find something incriminating on anyone, if you really want to.  And if not, then hey, just Photoshop something.

With Google Maps, you can get a glimpse of your own house from space.  How long until Google Bedroom allows you to get a satellite view into the room of your favorite cheerleader?  How long until Google Upskirt lets you sneak a peek at some young Madison Avenue professionals on their lunch hour?  How long until Google Package gives you a look at the football team’s shower sessions, you pervert?  How long until people wear electronic rings that automatically upload their every movement onto StalkMe.com?  Don’t tell me these things wouldn’t be popular.  And don’t tell me moral obligations would prevent someone out there from capturing a good business opportunity.

What about fashion?  If you have a corporate job, there’s only so much leeway you have as far as your wardrobe.  And have you been out to a bar lately?  Everyone either wears A) jeans and a striped shirt, or B) a Vinnie Chase-style fashionable tight long sleeve or t-shirt.  Frat guys all look the same (cargo shorts, t-shirt, baseball hat).  Hipsters all look the same (thrift store clothing, hours put into making it look like they don’t care).  Emo kids all look the same (black clothing, weird makeup, cuts on the wrists).  Parents all look the same (and they just don’t understand).  Now I’m not criticizing; It’s just that, when you consider that most of the country has only a few clothing stores to pick from, everyone’s going to end up looking the same.  You’re an Old Navy guy or a Hot Topic chick, and there’s no other choice.

What about beliefs?  Every day the number of extreme personalities seems to grow, while the number of people who consider various viewpoints declines.  Democrats get their news from the Daily Show and never consider that maybe abortion might possibly be wrong.  Republicans get their news from Bill O’Reilly and never consider that maybe gay people deserve to be married.  Christians read those Revelations books and rest assured that God is coming back soon to save them from this heathen world.  Kids who want to seem cool and intelligent bash Nickelback, ignoring the fact that they sound like every other “cool” and “intelligent” kid (and ignoring the fact that, while “Photograph” may be the worst song of the decade, “Breathe” and “Saving Me” are pretty decent).  Everyone thinks that “Arrested Development” was the best TV show ever and that wearing a popped collar makes you a douchebag (the latter may be true, but the former is certainly up for debate).  Everyone has an opinion, except those opinions are all the same.

We’re a long, long way from the dystopia of 1984.  But the bottom line is, technology is advancing at an incredible rate, voyeurism is spiraling out of control and the general public piggybacks off of the opinions of a select few.  The evidence points to a world where our entire lives are on display for the world to see.  It points to a world where we know everything about everyone, even if we don’t care.  It points to a world where people will be disqualified from jobs due to any slight imperfection, and average people will go to extreme lengths to avoid standing out from the crowd in any way.  Those who do stand out will be ridiculed and called douchebags.  It points to a world where we all watch reality TV, and then we all complain about how much we hate it.  It points to a world where politicians and TV personalities re-write history, and then turn on the applause sign to the delight of their faithful followers.  It points to a world where we applaud the amazing rate at which our society is advancing, and yet I still don’t have a goddamn hoverboard.

Sounds a lot like this one book I never read.

Seriously, I want that fucking hoverboard.

To many people, Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama represents an incredible step forward for this country. It’s not only that he’s the first African-American to ever gain the Presidential nomination; it’s his visionary ideas and the way he attempts to bring a forward-thinking agenda into our nation’s traditionally conservative and unchanging capital. Barack Obama represents a whole new way of thinking.

Or so people think.

I, on the other hand, do not consider Barack Obama’s ideas to be visionary. Sure, he has some good ideas for America, but they’ve been said before. Specifically, they were said in the 90s, by Tupac Shakur, in a song called “Changes.”

“Changes” was recorded sometime in the early-to-mid-1990s, but wasn’t released until 1998, after 2Pac had already passed on (or faked his own death, depending on your perspective). It was famously featured on Tupac’s Greatest Hits album, unarguably the greatest rap CD ever released. “Changes” calls for sweeping change in America, citing many of our nation’s problems that could be eliminated with a new collective mindset. And it sounds eerily familiar to the ideas of one Barack Obama. In fact, you might even go as far as to say Obama stole his entire campaign from “Changes.” Don’t believe me? Let’s analyze some of Obama’s positions against lyrics from “Changes.” It’s Barack vs. Pac…

Barack says:

Obama believes that the rich are currently running our country, looking out for their own interests while the poor are hung out to dry. He believes this class structure is responsible for many of America’s problems.

Pac said:

I see no changes wake up in the morning and I ask myself
Is life worth living, should I blast myself?
I’m tired of bein’ poor & even worse I’m black
My stomach hurts so I’m lookin’ for a purse to snatch

Barack says:

Obama has stressed multiple times in his campaign that both parties need to overcome their differences and work together. Party politics are destroying Washington and the nation. Obama believes that it is time for everyone to metaphorically reach across the aisle, because the only way America can progress is if we all swallow our pride and work together.

Pac said:

I got love for my brother
But we can never go nowhere unless we share with each other
We gotta start makin’ changes
Learn to see me as a brother instead of 2 distant strangers

Barack says:

John McCain and the Republican Party constantly talk about traditional values and getting this country back to a time when things were better. Obama bashes the Republicans for spreading propaganda about a nostalgic “golden age” that never actually existed. Obama believes in progressing as a nation rather than trying to go backwards.

Pac said:

I’d love to go back to when we played as kids
But things change, that’s the way it is

Barack says:

Obama bashes McCain for being out of touch with the common man. He says that McCain’s wealth and his 26 years in Washington have put him in a state of mind where he cannot understand the average American’s struggles. On the other hand, Obama came from a difficult background, worked in inner cities and feels a strong connection with Americans, especially those in impoverished areas. In other words, he’s an outsider.

Pac said:

Yes I am gonna say that I’m a thug
That’s because I came from the gutter
And I’m still here!!

Barack says:

Obama stresses the importance of ignoring cultural differences and working together. We all remember Obama’s famous line about how “this isn’t black America or white America, it’s the United States of America!”

Pac said:

Take the evil out the people they’ll be acting right
’cause both black and white is smokin’ crack tonight

Barack says:

Obama is hypercritical of the Republican party for accepting money from big business, especially the oil companies. He preaches integrity and not kowtowing to the almighty dollar.

Pac said:

You gotta operate the easy way
“I made a G today”
But you made it in a sleazy way
Sellin’ crack to the kids.
“I gotta get paid”
Well hey, well that’s the way it is

Barack says:

Obama tells us that true change requires a major commitment. He says we have to completely overhaul Washington. He refers to John McCain as “more of the same” — a reference to McCain’s alliances with Bush — and demands that we chose a totally new direction for America.

Pac said:

It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes
Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live
And let’s change the way we treat each other
You see the old way wasn’t working so it’s on us to do
What we gotta do to survive

Barack says:

Obama opposes the Iraq War, stating that it is distracting from some of our country’s other, more important objectives.

Pac said:

And still I see no changes can’t a brother get a little peace
It’s war on the streets & the war in the Middle East
Instead of war on poverty
They got a war on drugs so the police can bother me

Barack says:

Despite his penchant for helping the lower class, Obama constantly preaches personal responsibility.

Pac said:

Don’t let ‘em jack you up, back you up,
Crack you up and pimp smack you up
You gotta learn to hold ya own
They get jealous when they see ya wit cha mobile phone

Barack says:

Obama was raised by a single mother, who taught him to shoot for the stars and gave him an incredible work ethic. Everything he does, he credits to his mother’s strength and parenting.

Pac said:

Tell the cops they can’t touch this
I don’t trust this
When they try to rush I bust this
That’s the sound of my tool
You say it ain’t cool
My mama didn’t raise no fool

As you can see, Barack Obama and Tupac Shakur are basically the same person. If you vote for Obama this November, you are essentially voting Pac into office. I don’t know if that hurts or strengthens Obama’s case. Ah who am I kidding? It definitely strengthens his case. Tupac was the best. So there you have it people. Vote Pac, I mean Barack, in 2008. You see, the old way isn’t working, so it’s on us to do what we gotta do to survive. It’s time to start makin’ changes.

As you already know, today is the 7th anniversary of 9/11.  Today you will be inundated by TV, radio and Internet stories reflecting on the tragedy.  You’ll hear plenty of tales of grief, as well as stories about the American spirit and overcoming tragedy.

9/11 is the worst thing to ever happen to our country.  However, there were a few small bright spots amongst the massive dark clouds.  We’re a country that believes in hope, so today, while you’re mourning the tragedy, I think it’s important to remember that a few positives did come out of 9/11.  Such as…

Our country started taking defense seriously

Before 9/11 you could sail a ship made of dynamite into any U.S. port and have 30 terrorists walk off carrying warheads and firing AK47s in the air while screaming in tongues, and no one would notice or care.  After 9/11 we wised up and locked down our ports.  We started looking after our bridges and tunnels, much to the delight of guidos from New Jersey who wanted to go clubbing in Manhattan on Saturday nights and totally couldn’t hook up cause “that bitch was ice cold.”  We tightened airport security and gave “random” searches to every suspicious looking person (tough break, foreigners!).  You can never be 100% safe but we’re better off than we were.

Hilarious country songs

Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You” is hands down the funniest song in the history of country music.  It would probably be the funniest song ever if not for “Popular” by Nada Surf.  Read the lyrics.  Aside from the fact that he’s exploiting a national tragedy to get a hit song, which is funny in a “you’re a terrible person” sort of way, it’s also some of the worst lyrics ever written.  The song won a bunch of accolades and received tons of airplay, but to quote Zoolander, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills, because the song sucks and the lyrics don’t make me feel patriotic or sympathetic in any way.  The dude says in the chorus that he doesn’t know the difference between Iraq and Iran!  I learned that shit in 2nd grade.  In the midst of the worst tragedy ever, apparently Alan Jackson’s internal struggle was over whether to buy a gun or watch “I Love Lucy” reruns.  It’s like he’s reading my mind!!  And of course there was Toby Keith threatening to put a boot up terrorist’s asses, which…  well…  honestly Toby, that’s gonna be worse for you than it is for them.

Boost for miniature American Flag industry

Many businesses suffered after 9/11, but whatever industry makes those little flags you put on the antenna of your car was not one of them.  Those things were everywhere.  Some call it the golden age of miniature American Flag making.  The yellow ribbon magnet industry was booming as well.

MTV played videos

No one wanted to do anything in the days following 9/11, which was understandable, but still, it made things pretty boring.  Like everyone, I watched the news and was fixated on The 9/11 Movie for a couple days.  But eventually you just couldn’t watch anymore.  It was too depressing, plus they had shown every possible video clip and discussed every possible piece of information over and over.  Everyone needed a change of pace.  Fortunately MTV decided to be cool and show old music videos for about 2 weeks following 9/11.  I got to see classics like Soundgarden and Nirvana, along with all kinds of rare stuff like Temple of the Dog and King Missile.  Pretty much all I did in the week following 9/11 was to skip class, watch MTV and drink heavily.  I mean, if I had that same week any other year, that would have been a great week.  MTV also made U2’s “Walk On” the unofficial anthem for 9/11.  “Walk On” was the best song off U2’s “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” album, but it had never gotten the publicity it deserved because of other hits like “Elevation.”  MTV also helped promote Bruce Springsteen’s “The Rising,” which is an inspiring tune and one of my favorites by The Boss.  This kind of stuff is obviously minor in the grand scheme of things, but don’t be fooled, little things like this do help people feel better during times of tragedy.

Acceptable to hate the Middle East

Let’s be honest, no one likes the Middle East.  There are some good people there but the region as a whole sucks.  They’re crazy conservative and they’re always fighting over piles of dirt.  It’s called tolerance because we tolerate their asses, even though we all think they’re annoying.  In the late 90s/early 00s, our country had gotten so PC it was ridiculous.  Unless you thought the world was a paradise made of rainbows and butterflies where everyone should hold hands and sing “Kumbaya,” you were a terrible person.  Then Drew Carey went on TV and called Arabs “towelheads” and Bill Maher rose to prominence with some non-PC remarks and the rest of the world followed suit and started saying what they really felt.  I’m not advocating prejudice or stereotypes against any one group, I’m just saying that people should be free to express themselves and not have to worry about sugarcoating everything, and that we should build a giant bubble-dome over the entire Middle East and let the people there fight each other until they’re all dead, then turn the region into a spring break resort.  That’s all I’m saying.

Ridiculously comical fear mongering

I was in college in Poughkeepsie (NY) during 9/11.  My school was very liberal.  In my first post-9/11 class, one of my professors said that we needed to be careful, because the terrorists could strike anywhere next, EVEN US!!!  Everyone in the class nodded in agreement, except me and my one friend, who gave each other a “you have to be kidding” glance.  Sure, terrorists could strike Poughkeepsie.  And a football team can start off a game with a quadruple-reverse flee-flicker halfback option pass.  That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.  Fear mongering was at an all-time high after 9/11, and people thought every U.S. city was a potential target.  But in reality, not every city was in danger.  And that’s one of the good things about 9/11.  It finally gave people a reason to appreciate living in Poughkeepsie, NY.

Hilarious catchphrases

I still can’t figure out if “These Colors Don’t Run” refers to the U.S.’s policy of standing up to terrorism, or if it’s a reference to laundry.  We may never know.

Respect for NYPD & NYFD

I like cops just slightly more than Ice Cube does, but the NYPD are the real deal.  While suburban police are ticketing people for rolling through stop signs and breaking up high school parties, members of the NYPD are putting their lives at risk every day to stop real crimes and make New York the greatest city on Earth.  The fact that New York has 7 million people in such a tiny area, and is still one of the safest major cities in the country, is a true testament to the fine work of the NYPD.  And in my experience, no police force is better at keeping order while not harassing or trying to intimidate citizens.  The NYFD is exceptional as well.  Kudos to both of them.

The way people finally came together

I believe that people are genuinely good at heart (with the exception of murderers, rapists and that ilk).  I think the reason people act poorly is because they become isolated from society at large and don’t have to deal with negative consequences of their actions.  That’s why people are so much more vindictive online, where everything is anonymous, or why rich businessmen, who are allowed to get away with anything, often commit the worst acts.  Meanwhile, people who live in a more interactive society, like a small Midwestern town for example, are much nicer.  They know they’ll be held accountable for their actions, but they also genuinely care about their neighbors and friends.  After 9/11, the entire country became a small town community.  Everyone was nice.  Everyone was patient.  We all cared about each other and worked with each other and did what we could to help one another.  We loved each other.  Our old me-first way of thinking disappeared.  Everything changed.  The worst tragedy in our country’s history brought out the best in its citizens.

At least it did for like a month, until we all reverted back to our old ways and started shoving old ladies out of the way to get into the Old Country Buffet before 5PM so we could pay the lunchtime rate.  Hey, I’m sorry, but fuck that bitch, I was here first.

Never forget.