[Ed. Note:  This story was originally posted on Shoutmouth.com in June of 2007.]

In 10,500 BC, the continent of Africa was a fertile valley, perfect for crop growth. But then, due to climate shifts, Africa began to dry out. The resulting deserts were terrible for farming, and a crop shortage ensued. Colonization of the continent over the past thousand years has caused a great deal of territorialism and civil war. What’s more, the recent spread of HIV/AIDS has left Africa crippled. Modern Africa is defined by poverty, disease and war. Times are tough. At the same time, the rest of the world seems callous to this fact. Americans especially seem to ignore the plight of Africa, opting instead for their Nintendo Wiis and Grand Slam Breakfasts. Sure, foreign governments and international organizations have tried to help Africa, but nothing seems to work.

And that’s why musicians had to step in.

With Africa in a state of disarray, it was important for the likes of Bono and Alicia Keys to step up to the plate and inspire a change. World leaders might get slowed down by politics and red tape, but musicians have instant access to the people. Inspire the people, and only then can you see change. In fact, with the way musicians are promoting Africa lately, it’s only a matter of time until things turn around for that continent.

We’re only up to mid-2007 right now, but a simple extrapolation of the timeline shows that Africa is in for a bright future. And it’s all thanks to musicians.

Let’s take a look…

1985 - Held on July 13^th, Bob Geldorf’s massive Live Aid rock concerts were seen by 1.5 billion people worldwide, raising awareness of the long-suffering continent. Millions of dollars are raised. Legendary singer Bob Dylan — known for his social activism — suggests we used a portion of the money raised to help farmers in America. He is staunchly criticized by both Geldorf and the media.

1995 - The popular movie Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls takes place in Africa. This does little for the continent’s survival; however, it does provide society with the hilarious line, “Pretty hot in these rhinos.”

2004 - The United States falls behind Japan and China in trade. The U.S., which was also a leader in the field of education, continues to slip in that regard as well. Somewhere, a young Chinese boy calls an American boy a “retard,” and instead of replying with a witty remark like, “Did you mean to call me a ‘Letald?,’” the American boy is left speechless.

2005 - Twenty years after the fact, the effects of Live Aid are still unclear. U2 singer Bono goes on “Meet the Press” to talk about Africa, in what will become a recurring trend. Bono mentions that corruption, not poverty or starvation, is Africa’s biggest problem. Bono goes on to spend much of his time working in politics, completely resisting the urge to write good music in the process. Seriously, that “Vertigo” song sucks. In tragic news, Hurricane Katrina strikes the city of New Orleans, leaving the city destroyed and thousands homeless. The U.S. government promises to fix the situation ASAP.

February 2007 - R&B superstar Akon purchases a South African diamond mine, in a move that he claims will save lives being lost in the deadly African diamond trade (as seen in the movie Blood Diamond). However, many people believe that Akon simply bought the diamond mine to be “ballin’, son.”

March 2007 - Singer Joss Stone tells a magazine that society needs to focus on the children of Africa. She claims that people are obsessed with celebrities and don’t pay enough attention to the injustices across the world. Says Stone: “They steal young children from their parents while they’re sleeping or whatever. They steal them at the ages of three and four and they basically turn them into killing machines and they make them eat each other. And then you talk about Britney’s shaved head.”

May 2007 - Bono pushes the nation of Germany to send financial aid to Africa. Around this same time, Pete Wentz of the Fall Out Boy travels to Uganda to take part in a protest against the mistreatment of Ugandan refugees. 14 year old Ugandan girls turn out in record numbers.

June 2007 - United States President George W. Bush asks for $30 billion to fight AIDS in Africa, to the praises of Bono. In response, the city of New Orleans releases a statement reading, “Hi… still here.” At the same time, the magazine Vanity Fair prints 20 different covers of a special “Africa” issue, each one featuring a different celebrity or musician. Many stars of the music world, including Jay-Z, Alicia Keys and — of course — Bono, are photographed for the various covers.

July 2007 - Al Gore’s Live Earth concert series is held to a massive audience across the globe. Though they are meant to raise awareness for global warming, the concerts unintentionally spark more interest in human rights issues, especially the situation in Africa. Money is donated in record numbers to the continent. Meanwhile, people continue to destroy the environment at will.

May 2008 - Hollaback Mobile, a new cell phone company, donates proceeds from its new campaign (”Holla at Rwanda”) to African relief. Christina Aguilera acts as the face and breasts of the campaign. Assisted by the support of various other musicians, Africans begin to take rudimentary steps toward a better life. People can now afford the basics, such as food and clothing, and condoms are distributed, greatly reducing the spread of HIV/AIDS. Around the same time, riots break out in the American city of Detroit, causing chaos and leaving the city uninhabitable.

January 2009 - Money continues to pour in. Africans are now able to afford basic housing and filtered water. Bono holds a summit in London to announce that, “even though we have made great strides in Africa, the job is not even close to finished.” A month later, U2 releases a crappy CD.

August 2010 - Because of the country’s dependence on foreign oil, many U.S. citizens are going broke paying for gasoline, which is now $14 a gallon. Though hybrid cars are readily available, no one buys them because they’re really lame. The people of New Orleans completely give up and just start trading in their cars for boats. Non-hybrid boats, of course.

March 2012 - The American educational system slips a little more, putting it just below Indonesia in the ranks. Meanwhile, royalties from a new album called Clap Your Hands for Africa — a collection of Eric Clapton covers — provides Africa with the money to afford schools and roadways. African plants sharply increase the production of low-cost, electric-powered vehicles.

June 2014 - It is discovered that Sally Struthers was embezzling funds, which finally explains why her “Save Africa” commercials were on all the time and yet had no effect whatsoever. Millions of dollars are recovered and sent to the continent. With all of its people’s basic needs taken care of, African officials begin to strategically loan out and invest the money. Back in America, the Chicago Cubs win the World Series for the first time in 106 years, and during the celebration, the entire city of Chicago is accidentally burned to the ground.

February 2016 - Bono, Chester Bennington of Linkin Park (which is now a contemporary jazz band) and uber-political activist Jojo hold a telethon for Africa. Bono explains, “even though the seeds have been planted and have started to grow, they still need water to become a full-bloomed flower.” Americans, who currently read at a 4^th grade level, nod and write checks. The telethon, which included a much-talked-about appearance from a coked-out Haley Joel Osment, receives the best Internet TV ratings of the year, barely edging out the country’s most popular game show, “Guess Which Hand the Coin Is In.” A month later, U2 releases another crappy CD.

January 2022 - After years where it seemed like no progress was being made, Africa hits a jackpot in the stock market with all its previously invested money. The continent can now afford luxuries such as parks, stadiums and museums. AIDS is virtually non-existent, and for those few people that do contract the disease, it turns out Magic Johnson donated the cure during a telethon.

September 2024 - After spending off all its tax money on a new baseball stadium, the American city of Houston goes bankrupt and dissolves. Similar scenarios occur in Pittsburgh, St. Louis and Denver.

March 2025 - An album called AfriCabo Wabo — a collection of Sammy Hagar covers — donates proceeds towards African relief. Bono issues the following statement: “We must continue to look after Africa. We’ve watched it burst through its cocoon and evolve into a fully-grown butterfly. And now that it is spreading its wings and leaving the nest, we must continue to support it in its eternal journey, so that it is not caught in the net of relapse and placed into the jar of despair.” Americans nod, write checks, and go back to watching the popular game show “How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?” A month later, U2 releases a new CD. It’s not bad, but because of his activism, Bono failed to realize that CDs had gone extinct 8 years earlier. Meanwhile, the entire city of New Orleans, which has since relocated to Birmingham, Alabama, is destroyed by a tornado. The government promises to fix the situation ASAP.

October 2028 - Thanks to a strange climate shift brought on by hairspray containers, for the first time in 10,000 years, Africa is a fertile valley again, while the Western Hemisphere has begun to dry up into a desert-like state. African farmland, which is managed by robots, is incredible. Africans are not only self-sufficient, but they are able to provide for the entire continent of Asia as well. Thanks to its superior athlete training facilities, Africa dominates the 2028 Olympics and gains every endorsement known to man. The money goes toward providing each citizen with a hoverboard, after African officials watch a copy of Back to the Future and think, “why didn’t America make this happen already?”

December 2031 - Crime in America has risen to astronomical levels. Murder rates are especially out of hand. Many European experts — America no longer has experts — blame the popular rap song, “Stop Rattin’ and Start Muthafuckin’ Shootin’” by the artist Yung Assazzin. The entire city of Baltimore is murdered. As an act of solidarity, the African government removes thousands of ancient tribal shields from its museums and sends them to America for protection.

May 2034 - Bono, Ryan Cabrera (now a senator from California) and Kingston Stefani hold a press conference for African relief. Bono makes the following statement: “Even though Africa has surpassed both America and Europe as a society, it is important that we continue to support the continent. The only way we can improve our countries is by improving our souls, and the only way we can improve our souls is to show the goodness of our hearts through charitable donation.” Americans nod, write checks, reapply their Tyson Chicken-flavored feeding tubes, and turn back to the popular game show “Is This A Man Or A Kitten?” A month later, U2 releases a CD with absolutely nothing on it.

January 2038 - Inspired by Bono’s words, but too lazy to act on them for 4 years, Americans go out in record numbers to buy the album A Nickel and a Creed: Doing What We Can to Support Africa. The album — a collection of Nickelback and Creed covers — costs only a nickel. Even though America recently decided to make its nickels out of solid gold in order to be as flashy as possible, they still have 1/1,000^th the monetary value of the African penny. Africa accepts this gift as a show of good faith (and because it’s gold). Meanwhile, the city of New Orleaningham, which has relocated to Lexington, Kentucky, is destroyed by a 97-foot tall, chemically-enhanced cockroach. The cockroach continues its rampage through much of the Midwest. The government promises to take care of the cockroach ASAP.

November 2042 - African scientists, regarded as the best in the world, develop the technology that allows humans to fly. A small chip is installed in each African citizen’s arm that, in addition to the powers of flight, allows them all of the same abilities as the chick in Terminator 3. Meanwhile, in the American city of Las Vegas, a man loses $400 on one hand of blackjack, snaps, chokes the dealer, and then goes on a massive killing spree that leaves everyone in the entire state of Nevada and half of Utah dead.

June 2047 - Always proactive, Africa decides to take the stockpile of America’s gold nickels and melt them down, then coat the entire continent with liquid gold. After the process is complete, Africa is made of solid gold, with 50-foot golden walls going around the entire continent. Angelina Jolie’s 32 adopted African children ask their mom if they can go back home.

August 2050 - Pollution proves deadly, as the polar icecaps melt and unleash a massive tidal wave throughout the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. The Pacific tidal wave blankets America’s west coast, leaving everything west of the Rocky Mountains under water. The Atlantic tidal wave heads directly at Africa; however, it bounces off Africa’s 50-foot solid gold wall and heads back at America with twice its original velocity. The waves engulf America’s east coast, all the way to the Mississippi River. New York, Boston, Miami and all other major eastern cities are lost. The city of New Orlexingtoninham, which has recently relocated to Cincinnati, is totally flooded. The government says, “bahhdfldahf ahghaldgkd ndal;fjda hhdka lahdldahgd” (the government is now under water; that loosely translates to “we’ll take care of it ASAP”). All surviving Americans are forced to go underground to survive, except for born-again Christians and emo fans, both of whom embrace the pending apocalypse.

*****

2100 - An American, who was in Europe during the Great Flood of 2050, takes a vacation to Africa’s Paradise Coast (formerly known as Somalia). While staying in his 6-star resort on a beach with sand made of tiny platinum shards, he turns on the TV (TVs now exist in thin air and can be turned on by the mind). A commercial comes on with a woman holding a dying child.

A narrator reads the following message:

“For just pennies a day, you can help save this impoverished American boy’s life. Each day, thousands of Americans die due to illness, starvation, and disease. They can’t even afford the basic necessities like food and water. It’s a life that you couldn’t possibly comprehend. But you can make a difference. Won’t you please donate?”

The man sheds a single tear, then teleports down to the beach.